As Carrick walks into the kitchen to pour us a few drinks, the words in Tulsa are echoing in my brain. I don’t want to go back. I collapse on the couch and let out a huge groan. I don’t know if I will survive a trip back to Tulsa. This will be the ultimate test. If I’m ever going to be able to prove to Carrick than he can trust me and that I love him, I know what I have to do. Or rather, what I have to not do.

I can’t be with Taylor. I can’t do what I’ve done. I can’t be like him. I have to be better, and it will start with this next trip to Tulsa.

“So, you’re still alive,” Kate says suddenly. I hadn’t even realized she was in the room, but here she is, standing over me with a curious look on her face. “I don’t see Carrick, though, but I’m going to hope that isn’t a bad sign.”

I shake my head. “No, it’s not. He’s in the kitchen, preparing some much needed drinks. What about the kids?”

“Oh, Junia was practically asleep before we got up the stairs, so she’s in bed. I tucked Shep and put one of his cartoons in the DVD player. He’ll be out soon, too.”

“Sounds good,” I reply, scooting over to allow Kate to sit down next to me. “I’m not sure I’ll be awake much longer either. It’s been a very… long day.”

“That it has,” she replies. “But hopefully not a bad day?”

“Not as bad as I expected when I realized you had invited him over,” I admit, not meeting Kate’s eyes.

She scoots a little closer to me, either out of curiosity or in an attempt to comfort me. “How did that go, by the way? And again… I’m sorry if I made things worse.”

“You didn’t,” I reply, shaking my head. “Not really. I think we needed to talk. But like he said, we were too stubborn to do it on our own. I don’t know what the conversation really accomplished… but it gave me a lot to think about.”

“Me too,” Carrick says, suddenly appearing by the couch with not two but three drinks in hand. He glances at Kate and says, “I figured you would want one, too.”

“At least one,” she says, accepting the glass gratefully and taking a big gulp of what appears to be a screwdriver. It’s nothing fancy, but I hadn’t had anything fancier than vodka and orange juice on hand.

Carrick hands me the other drink and takes a big sip of his own. I follow suit, because it’s been a long, unexpectedly trying day, and while I’m usually more of a stoner, a stiff drink sounds like just the thing right now.

After a few sips, we all start to loosen up a bit, although the conversation doesn’t really start flowing until the third or fourth refill. I’ve seen a new side of Kate this fall, from the pot smoking to the drinking and now to questions about… my sex life. My rather homosexual sex life.

“I’m just curious,” Kate says, holding her hands up in a drunken sign of surrender. “Just trying to understand.”

“Understand… what?” Carrick asks, but not unkindly. “You’re attracted to men, right? So are we. Some of the… mechanics are a little different, but the attraction is the same, really. There’s no difference, for me, between the way I feel about women and the way I feel about men.”

“So you are bisexual,” Kate says, then turns to me. “And you..?”

“I think so,” I reply. “I mean, I was never faking it with you. Honestly. But it’s not like I had a ton of experience prior to getting together with you. I never gave myself time to really think about what I was or who I was or wasn’t attracted to. But it’s always been more about… individual people, I suppose. Not genders.”

Kate nods thoughtfully, her head bobbing for a bit longer than really necessary. Mine is spinning too, and I suppose the alcohol is to thank for that. With a slow grin, she says, “You know, you guys do make a pretty cute couple.”

I glance at Carrick, who for some reason is sitting on Kate’s other side rather than closer to me. Are we a couple? I don’t want to ask. I’m not sure I’ll like the answer.

But then he nods and gives me a smirk. “Yeah. Yeah, we are.”

“Well, I think I need a refill!” Kate exclaims, picking up her empty glass and scurrying out of the room. I’m not sure if she’s trying to give us privacy or escape the slightly awkward situation she just created, but either way, I’m kind of grateful.

“I don’t wanna… I don’t want you to feel like you have to rush back into this if you’re not ready,” I say softly.

Carrick shakes his head. “I’m ready. I’ve been ready, Zac. So ready.”

I don’t know what else to say, so I just scoot across the couch and wrap my arms around him, giving him a rather sloppy kiss. He doesn’t seem to mind, kissing me back with just as much enthusiasm. It isn’t long before I’m practically scrambling into his lap. I’ve missed him, missed this, so much. It isn’t all physical, but being without that has apparently been harder than I realized.

“Wow,” Kate breathes out, making me jump.

I wonder how long she’s been watching us. Judging by how wide her eyes are, for a while. But judging by the smile on her lips, she doesn’t really mind.

“That’s… I…” She stutters out. “That’s actually kind of hot.”

“Who are you and what have you done with my ex-wife?” I ask.

Kate just giggles and holds up the vodka and three shot glasses as an answer. “You know liquor makes me horny, Zac.”

And it makes me blush to hear her say that, but she’s right. On the handful of occasions I’ve seen my ex-wife drunk, it has nearly always resulted in sex. I don’t think that’s going to happen tonight, but… well, I’m not so sure anymore, if the way she’s staring at us as she sits down in the chair opposite the couch is anything to judge by. She only looks away to concentrate on pouring out three very full shots, handing one to each of us before holding up her own.

“To new experiences,” she says cryptically, giving me a smirk.

I throw back my shot, very aware of the fact that Kate’s eyes are glued to me. There’s something in them that I can’t place, that I’m not sure I want to place, and it makes me feel… weird. That’s as eloquent as I can manage with this much alcohol in my system. Between the way she’s looking at me and the knowledge that I have Carrick again, there’s a strange tingle going up my spine.

Carrick gives me a strange look as well, then throws back his own shot. He sets the glass down and lets his hand creep up my thigh. There’s a question in the way his eyebrow arches, and I’m not sure what it is or how to answer him. It makes me blush, though, and that causes me to look back at Kate—which I quickly realize is a mistake.

Her eyes wide, Kate runs her tongue along her bottom lip. “Can I, umm… can I watch?”

“Watch?” I ask, then shake my head. I know what she’s asking; I just can’t believe that Kate, of all people, is asking it.

But she is. I look to Carrick, as though he’s going to tell me it’s all some elaborate joke the two of them are playing on me. But he doesn’t. He just gives me a shrug and says, “I’m okay with it if you’re okay with it.”

I am anything but okay with it. But I am drunk.

Carrick makes the first move, leaning in and giving me a hesitant kiss like he’s not sure I’m really into this yet. And truthfully, I’m not sure that I am, but I am very, very into the way his tongue moves against mine. I’m even more into the way his lips feel on my neck, his teeth just barely nipping at my skin. By the time he reaches for the hem of my shirt, I’m putty in his hands. At least I don’t have to be ashamed; everyone here has already seen me naked and they apparently still like me—a lot, judging by what we’re all about to do.

Any lingering nervousness I might have felt is gone when Carrick starts to strip out of his own clothing. He’s absolutely mesmerizing. I could almost forget that Kate is present at all, if it weren’t for the sound of her shaky breathing just a few feet away.

Soon enough, Carrick and I are down to nothing but our underwear, and his hand is buried in mine. He isn’t giving Kate much of a show, but she doesn’t seem to mind. My eyes seem to have a mind of their own, flickering over to Kate just as Carrick’s hand moves farther back, one finger pressing against me. I wonder if Kate can tell what he’s doing. My face is burning hot at the realization that this is just the beginning. I clamp my eyes shut as Carrick inches my boxers down, his lips finding my dick as soon as it’s exposed.

A loud moan falls from my lips, and even I barely recognize the sound. I’ve missed this. I’ve really, really missed this. Between his mouth on my dick and his finger easing in and out of me, I’m not going to last very long at all. I’m going to come too soon and ruin this whole, crazy thing.

Carrick must know, because he stops and crawls back up my body, kissing a trail from my hip to my collarbone. His voice soft but still loud enough for Kate to hear, he says, “Are you ready, babe?”

“Yes,” I reply quickly. “No. I don’t know. But yes.”

Carrick chuckles and climbs off of me, sitting back against the couch. He lifts his lips just enough to pull his boxers off, and I think I see what he’s planning. Just to make sure I get it, he pats his thigh and gives me a slight nod. I start to climb into his lap, but he shakes his head.

“Other way around,” he says.

Facing Kate, he means. Of course. My head bowed slightly, because I’m not sure I can look at her right now, I turn around and begin to lower myself down onto him. It hurts a little, because it’s been a while and he didn’t give me a ton of preparation, but that’s okay. I like a little pain, just enough to remind me what I’m doing. Maybe that’s twisted, but everything about this situation is, so I’m not going to worry about it, at least not right now.

It takes a little time and effort to lower myself completely, and when I do, my head falls back. It feels good, too good. Out of the corner of my eye, I see movement, and against my better judgment I look at Kate. She’s curled up in the chair, clutching at her dress with white knuckles. I don’t think she realizes that her position gives me a view straight up her dress, to her girly pink panties.

And to my surprise, I like it.

Of course I like it, though. I dated this woman for a decade and was married to her for six years. You don’t commit to someone for that long if you’re not attracted to them, and I would obviously be lying if I said I wasn’t still attracted to Kate. Seeing her so turned on by something I hadn’t wanted her to even know about a few months ago… somehow, it only makes me even more attracted to her, even though I know our time together is over.

That should probably be a bittersweet thought, but nothing can really be bittersweet while I’m sitting on Carrick’s dick. He’s just holding my hips, waiting for me to make the first move. My legs shake as I begin to roll my hips, trying to find just the right rhythm. It doesn’t take long; Carrick and I just seem to work together so well, and with a little help from him, we’re soon moving together in perfect harmony.

Kate looks like she’s going to bite all the way through her bottom lip, and I know I need to do something. I’m just not sure what. Before I can formulate much of a plan, my hand is in the air, my fingers motioning for her to come closer.

She stands up and fiddles with the hem of her dress, like she’s debating something. Finally, she seems to come to a decision and lifts the dress over her head in a perfect, fluid motion. Her matching bra and panties soon join it on the floor and she’s stepping in closer and closer to me, until she’s hovering right over me.

And then she lowers herself onto me.

I can’t even remember the last time Kate and I had sex, but I’m positive it didn’t feel like this at all. Of course, I wasn’t sandwiched in between her and Carrick then, surrounded by two sets of possibly long legs and arms and so much dark hair. It was nothing like this. Really, nothing in my life up to this point has ever been like this. It’s odd but somehow hot in ways I never could have imagined.

Kate buries a hand in my hair and pulls me in for a kiss, and Carrick clamps down on the side of my neck. It’s too much. It’s all too much, being torn between the two of them like this. I don’t think I’m going to make it.

Carrick moans against my neck and I can feel the vibrations all the way through my body. That’s it; I’m done. I don’t even know who is thrusting into who anymore. All I know is at least one of us will have bruised hips tomorrow. Then there are stars exploding behind my eyes and I’m lost in pure, absolute pleasure.

After that, I don’t know anything at all but the sounds of Carrick and Kate’s moans as they both come as well. I think I black out for a few seconds, because the next thing I see and feel is Kate kissing my forehead before extracting herself from the pile of bodies we’ve become. My limbs have turned to jello, so it’s easy for Carrick to move me around until we’re both covered by the blanket that had been resting on the back of the couch.

Kate reappears some time later, now wearing soft flannel pajamas. Carrick and I are still naked under the blanket, but she doesn’t seem to notice as she climbs under it with us. We’re all silent for a few minutes until I finally ask the question we all have to be thinking.

“What the hell was that?”

“Really, really hot,” Kate replies, giggling. “And probably really embarrassing once we all sober up.”

Embarrassing, maybe. The sort of thing that’s really a once in a lifetime event. Yet out of all the insane things that have happened to me over the last few months, this ranks pretty low on the list. It’s not normal at all, but in some way, it makes sense.