Already Home
“Alright, guys!” Our manager calls out, poking his head into the green room. “Soundcheck in five.”
I groan, not moving from my position on the couch, where my legs are draped across Carrick’s lap. It’s not that I’m not excited about the first concert of the Anthem tour, because I am. Sure, we’ve played a lot of promo and even a few full concerts over the spring as we geared up for the album release. We haven’t had that many full band shows, though, and none yet with Everybody Else opening for us. Still, it feels like we’ve already been on tour for a while. It’s just that right now, laying here with my boyfriend sounds a whole lot more fun than rehashing the setlist again and playing Get The Girl Back a dozen times before we get it right.
“Go on,” Carrick says, chuckling. “I’ll be here when you guys are done.”
“But why can’t I be here with you right now?” I whine.
He chuckles more. “The concert isn’t that long.”
“Yeah, but…” I dial the whine up to eleven. “After that we’ll be crammed in that tiny little bunk, and we can’t even do anything there. I miss our bed.”
Our bed. After fighting me on the very notion of moving to California, Carrick finally gave in a month ago and moved into a larger condo, just down the road from my old one, with me. It’s nearly identical to the old one, but has three bedrooms so that Shep and Junia don’t have to share. But the best part is that Carrick is sharing with me.
“Luckily, we do get to stay in hotels every now and then,” Carrick remarks, then pats my leg reassuringly. “We’ll get to be together plenty during the tour, Zac. And afterward.”
“Forever?” I ask.
“Forever,” he repeats, patting my knee.
The door opens again, and Taylor walks in. He barely even pauses to look at us before grabbing a bottle of water from the cooler under the craft services table. Some days I still don’t know what to make of Taylor’s behavior, but I’m used to that. I’ve always been used to that. Every now and then I see another flash of something like jealousy in his eyes, but most of the time I’m not sure he even notices that I’m here. I think I actually like the latter better.
Unscrewing the cap of his water bottle and taking a drink, he finally turns back to face us. He gives a long, satisfied sigh like he just ran a mile or had marathon sex. I guess everything he does just seems erotic. I try to ignore those things, but it never really works.
“Come on, Zac,” he says, like he’s finally noticed that I’m in the room. “We’ve been looking for you. Did you ever figure out what your solo is going to be tonight?”
“I was thinking On and On,” I reply. I don’t know if Carrick knows for sure, but I wrote the song about him. He probably knows; he’s smart like that.
“Sounds good,” Taylor replies, nodding. “Let’s get this show on the road, huh?”
“Yeah, I’ll be there in a second,” I reply.
Taylor seems to accept that, walking out of the room without another word. I give Carrick another pout, and he just shakes his head.
“Think you’ll be alright without me?” I ask teasingly.
“Think you will?” He shoots back, but coming from him, it’s a little more of a serious question.
“Yeah,” I reply, looking at the door Taylor has so recently walked out. “I think I just might be.”
Things between Taylor and I… well, I don’t suppose they ever have been or ever will be normal. But we’re getting there. I may never have any clue what he actually feels for me, but that’s okay. I don’t need to know. I might be tempted by him occasionally—a feeling that Carrick knows about and swears he’d forgive me for if I gave into—but I really don’t need him. Everything I need, I’ve already got.
I have my music, which was never really gone in the first place.
I have my children, the wonderful product of a marriage that probably shouldn’t have happened in the first place, except to bless us with said children.
I have my fans, who I know are waiting impatiently outside the venue to see what we have to offer them after our long break. Some of them know, or at least think they know, about all the changes in my life. If they’re judging me for it, I don’t know and I don’t care. The divorce is public knowledge, of course, but I’ve made a point of not officially coming out. Some things just need to stay secret, not because I’m ashamed of them but because I just want them to stay mine.
And I have Carrick. The one I took for granted for so long while I stayed with someone who was better as a friend and pined after someone I never should have wanted. Finally, I’m done denying what I feel for him. While my feelings for Taylor might never truly go away, it’s my feelings for Carrick that matter now. It’s the love Carrick and I share that really matters, and it’s the only love I need.