Good Intentions
Kate ushers the kids out of the room quickly. Soon, they’re out of sight, and their voices fade away not long after, little more than a muted murmur that can’t distract at all from the awkward silence in the kitchen.
I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to fix things with Carrick, and his silence says that he doesn’t know, either.
“So,” I finally say. “I’m sorry that Kate… did this. I didn’t ask her to invite you over. I hope you know that.”
Carrick nods. “I do know that, and you don’t need to apologize. I think it’s really admirable that she’s trying to fix this, even though she has no clue. She really loves you, you know. I’m not saying that to guilt trip you or say that… that you two should still be together or anything. I just think you need to know and you need to appreciate what that really means.”
“I do,” I reply. “I really, really do. I think we’ve both only realized how much we love each other since the divorce. Which is really not how it should work, and probably not how it has worked for anyone else. But since when I have I been normal?”
Carrick laughs, but it’s a bitter sort of laugh, and I don’t have to guess what he’s thinking about.
“Anyway, I’m just… I’m trying to really appreciate that, and to appreciate everyone who really loves me… and I know who those people are. At least, I thought I knew. And I don’t want to doubt how you feel about me.”
“I don’t want you to doubt it, either,” he says softly, but there’s no question about his meaning. “You know I love you. You know that isn’t going to change. I just need to know that your feelings for me aren’t going to change.”
“How can you know that? What can I do to show you that?” I ask.
“That’s something I don’t have the answer to,” he replies. “I just have to see it. You have to show me. What form that proof will take… I don’t know.”
“But you haven’t seen it yet,” I finish for him.
He stares at me for a moment, and it makes me uncomfortable. I don’t know what he’s looking for. After a moment, he glances off into the distance, and finally, he speaks. “I see it sometimes. Little glimmers of it. But it fades. It always fades, and you always go back to him. I know he’s got this magnetic pull and he’ll always draw you back to him. I’ll never be him, Zac, but I don’t want to be. I want to be better for you and to you, but if you won’t let me… if you won’t be better to me than Taylor is to you… then I don’t know where that leaves us.”
I know he’s right. I’ve thought it myself, but never had the guts to really admit it, and never has Carrick said it before. But he’s so right. I’ve been just like Taylor. I’ve ignored his feelings, ignored my own feelings and walked all over him. I don’t deserve any better than Taylor deserves.
But maybe… just maybe… the fact that I know I’ve been so awful and don’t want to be that way… maybe that means I can change. Maybe that means there’s still hope for me… for us.
“I don’t know where it leaves us either,” I finally admit. “But I know where I don’t want it to leave us. I don’t want us to be over, Carrick. I don’t know what I need to do to keep that from happening, but I understand that it won’t happen with just words. I have to show you how much I love you. And I do. You have no idea, because, well… I haven’t shown it. But I will. I swear I will, for all that my promises mean.”
“They mean more than you think,” Carrick admits, not meeting my eyes.
“Good,” I reply. “I just… I can’t lose you. I can’t. You’re the only thing that has kept me sane over the last six months and I don’t know where I would be without you.”
“You’d still have Kate,” he points out.
“But not like that. We’re not getting back together, and I don’t think we would be getting along this well if we were together. This change in my relationship with her… it couldn’t have happened if we’d stayed in a relationship.”
Carrick nods. “See, when you say things like that, I can see how smart you are. You don’t see it; I know you don’t. But you are so intelligent, so much more than anyone has ever given you credit for. And so much more loving. And if you would start giving yourself credit for those things… I think you’d be shocked how much better everything would be. You can tell me you love me, and I do believe it, but you have to love you, too.”
“How do I do that?”
He shakes his head. “That’s another thing you’ll have to figure out for yourself. And I’m afraid that if you’re with anyone, you’ll lose yourself in them. I didn’t know you before you were with Kate, but I’ve seen you sink farther down into the pit that marriage became. I’ve watched you fade away when you’ve thrown yourself at her, at Taylor… and I don’t want to see that happen with me.”
“It won’t,” I immediately reply, but how do I really know? That’s a promise I can’t make.
“You don’t know that,” he replies, echoing my thoughts. “And I want to give you the benefit of the doubt, but it just… it scares me. I’m afraid I’ll do something wrong, too. That somehow it will be my fault that this all doesn’t work, because it’s not like I didn’t go into this knowing you’d never be one hundred percent mine.”
I shake my head. “It’s not your fault. It could never be your fault. And I want to be one hundred percent yours.”
“Then do it,” Carrick says. “As much as I enjoy talking… it’s time for action. Figure out how to show me, and then do it. It’s as simple… and as difficult… as that.”
“Yeah… sounds like a cinch,” I reply, chuckling a little.
Carrick actually cracks a smile at that, and reaches over to pat my knee. It would make me feel belittled if I didn’t enjoy that little bit of physical contact with him so much. Still smiling at me, he says, “It’ll be okay. Somehow… it will be okay.”
“I hope you’re right,” I reply. “And once again, I’m sorry that Kate set this all up.”
He shrugs. “Don’t be. We needed to talk, but I think we were both too stubborn to do it on our own.”
“Out of curiosity… what did Kate say about me? And what did you say to her?”
“She told me that she could see how much you were hurting, and that she didn’t care what had happened or whose fault it was. She just wanted to see you happy. And I told her that was all I wanted, too, but I had to believe that you wanted it, too,” he replies. After a pause, he adds, “You know I didn’t tell her anything about you and Taylor. I wouldn’t.”
I nod. “I know. I didn’t think you had. I just didn’t know… how else you could explain what happened.”
“Whatever you told her must have been enough,” he says.
“I just told her that I betrayed your trust,” I tell him. “And that I want so badly to prove to you that I won’t do it again.”
“And I think you know how to do that,” he says softly.
“Yeah,” I reply. “I do.”
He gives my knee another pat, then stands up. “I think I’m going to head out. Tell Kate thanks… for everything. And I’ll see you soon, I guess. In Tulsa.”
Even after we say goodnight and he leaves, the words in Tulsa are echoing in my brain. I don’t want to go back. I collapse on the couch and let out a huge groan. I don’t know if I will survive a trip back to Tulsa. This will be the ultimate test. If I’m ever going to be able to prove to Carrick than he can trust me and that I love him, I know what I have to do. Or rather, what I have to not do.
I can’t be with Taylor. I can’t do what I’ve done. I can’t be like him. I have to be better, and it will start with this next trip to Tulsa.
“So, you’re still alive,” Kate says suddenly. I hadn’t even realized she was in the room, but here she is, standing over me with a curious look on her face. “I don’t see Carrick, though, but I’m going to hope that isn’t a bad sign.”
I shake my head. “No, it’s not. He just went home for the night. Told me to tell you thanks for dinner and everything. What about the kids?”
“Oh, Junia was practically asleep before we got up the stairs, so she’s in bed. I tucked Shep into your bed and put one of his cartoons in the dvd player. He’ll be out soon, too.”
“Sounds good,” I reply, scooting over to allow Kate to sit down next to me. “I’m not sure I’ll be awake much longer either. It’s been a very… long day.”
“That it has,” she replies. “But hopefully not a bad day?”
“Not as bad as I expected when I realized you had invited him over,” I admit, not meeting Kate’s eyes.
She scoots a little closer to me, either out of curiosity or in an attempt to comfort me. “How did that go, by the way? And again… I’m sorry if I made things worse.”
“You didn’t,” I reply, shaking my head. “Not really. I think we needed to talk. But like he said, we were too stubborn to do it on our own. I don’t know what the conversation really accomplished… but it gave me a lot to think about.”
“Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”
I let out a soft laugh. “I guess that depends on what I do with what we talked about. Whether I actually… use it to try to fix things, fix myself, or if I just let myself stew and beat myself up.”
“Haven’t you done enough of that?”
“Of what?”
“Beating yourself up,” she says. “I know I didn’t help… I probably made you feel worse at times… but you aren’t a bad guy, Zac. You really aren’t. Whatever you did… whatever it was that hurt Carrick and you so much… I know you well enough to know it was never your intent to hurt him.”
“Good intentions only go so far,” I remark.
“Then you’ll have to go farther on your own,” Kate says with a shrug, like it’s the most obvious answer. And in a way, it is.
“I just have to figure out where to go.”
Kate leans softly against me. “You know what’s right, Zac. I know you do. Whatever’s right… wherever it feels right to go… that’s where you go and that’s what you do. Take those good intentions and do what they tell you to do. Don’t just count on them to absolve you of any wrongs.”
I nod, because what can I say to that? Without any clue what she’s really talking about, Kate has managed to be completely right. I hope she knows how lucky I feel to have her on my side now, when she has every reason not to be. At times, it feels like she’s the only one who is… but maybe, just maybe, Carrick hasn’t given up on me yet.