Talk
Dinner with Kate and the kids goes well, and I even manage to get a good nights’ sleep on my couch. That surprises me, given that it isn’t the most comfortable couch in the world, but I couldn’t sleep in my bed and force Kate to sleep on the couch. It’s a fairly meaningless gesture compared to all the things I’ve done wrong over the years, but if my relationship with Carrick has proven anything, it’s that meaningless gestures are all I’m good for.
My meaningless gesture for today is taking the kids to Disneyland. Junia was still a baby the last time we were in Florida, and neither of them have been to the west coast version, so it’s a huge adventure for all of us. When I suggested the trip, Kate looked skeptical, but by the end of the day, she seems energized while I’m exhausted. Funny how that works.
The kids are asleep before we even make it back to the apartment, and it takes both of us to get their limp, sleeping bodies tucked into bed so they can finish their afternoon nap. Once we do, we head back downstairs and I collapse onto the couch. Not Kate, though. She’s flitting around my kitchen, commenting on the lack of food and necessary cooking utensils.
“No offense, Zac, but aside from the cereal this morning, we’ve eaten out for every meal since we got here,” Kate says, slamming one of my cabinet doors. “Why don’t you run to the store and pick a few things up, and I’ll make us a nice, homemade dinner? I’m thinking spaghetti and meatballs, since you actually have the pasta. It’s one of the only non-frozen things you have, but you have it.”
“I’m thinking the kids aren’t the only ones who need naps,” I remark. “How are you still moving right now?”
Kate shrugs. “I don’t know. It feels good to do some things as a family again, though. I don’t mean to guilt trip you for moving out here or even say I want you to move back, but I just missed this. And I’m glad we can do this kind of thing again, even though we aren’t married anymore. It’s probably really weird, but it’s working, isn’t it?”
“It is,” I reply, nodding. “And you may not have been trying to guilt trip me, but it worked. Write me out a list while I go change clothes, and I’ll see what I can do.”
By the time I’ve changed into something less sweaty and relocated my phone, wallet and keys, Kate has a huge list of supplies waiting for me. The list ranges from ingredients to various utensils I hadn’t needed for my own limited cooking, and I have a feeling it’s going to take me a while. But I’ll do it. With a weak smile to Kate, I take the list and head out the door.
Sure enough, her list takes quite a while, and sends me to three separate stores before I manage to locate everything. If I didn’t know better, I would think that she was just trying to get me out of the apartment. For what purpose, though? Why could she need me gone? I’m clearly just exhausted, paranoid and not thinking straight.
When I pull back into my driveway, I notice a bicycle propped against the wall that I really don’t recall seeing earlier. It looks suspiciously like Carrick’s, but that makes no sense at all. Why would he be here? I’m almost afraid to walk inside and find out. Even though Kate and I are getting along better now, Carrick and I aren’t, so I don’t see how having the two of them in the same place can possibly be a good thing.
Hesitantly, I open the door and peek my head inside. Silence. Then, after a moment, I hear Kate’s soft laughter from the kitchen. Laughter is a good sign, I decide, and I take a few steps inside, careful not to drop the load of canvas shopping bags in my arms. Sure enough, Kate and Carrick are both in the kitchen, sharing a bottle of wine and chopping some of the vegetables Carrick had brought me on the one and only visit he made to my apartment since telling me he needed space. Like Kate, I guess he knows I can’t survive on my own. Or maybe his garden just yielded more than he could eat on his own. Either way, they’re lucky I haven’t just let the veggies rot entirely before they showed up to take care of me.
I clear my throat to let them know I’m home, since neither of them seem to have heard the door open or my footsteps. Kate looks a little guilty–or maybe it’s just the wine making her blush–when she glances up at me.
“Oh, Zac!” She says, rushing forward and grabbing a few bags. “I’m glad you’re back. We need to start on those meatballs.”
“Now I understand why I had to get frozen soy meatballs too…” I mumble, feeling like I might fall over when Carrick’s hand brushes against my arm as he too helps to relieve me of my burden.
Kate blushes more and now I know it isn’t just the wine. “I’m sorry, I probably should have told you I was planning to invite him… I just thought it would be nice to have a big dinner, that’s all. I know the kids miss him, too…”
The word too is mumbled, barely tacked onto the end of the sentence, but I know Carrick hears it. He knows that Kate knows at least some of our problems. I wonder how much they’ve talked about me while I was gone…
“Anyway, I hope you don’t mind that I stole your laptop and gave him a call on Skype. I didn’t have his number, so it was the best I could do, and luckily he didn’t have any plans…”
“Just drawing yet another version of the new album artwork, but that can wait,” Carrick says softly, and if I didn’t know better, I would think he was embarrassed that those were his Friday night plans. It’s not as though he would be doing anything more exciting if the two of us were getting along; most of our “dates” were just the two of us sitting around the apartment, watching television and eating.
“Before you start on those meatballs, do you care to help me check on the kids?” I ask Kate, making sure to look directly at her so she understands that I want her, not Carrick, to leave the room with me.
She seems to get the hint, and as soon as we’re out of the room and up the stairs, I stop walking, several feet short of the kids’ room.
“What the hell, Kate?” I ask. “You knew he wanted space. And you go behind my back and invite him over?”
“He said it himself; he was home all alone,” Kate huffs. “He doesn’t deserve that. And neither of you deserve to be without the other. So I’m sorry if I had to go behind your back to try to fix things for you. I was trying to do you a favor.”
I sigh. I can’t really be angry with her. “I know, I know. I just wish I’d had some kind of warning or something. This is really awkward, you know? We haven’t all been in the same room together since… well, since you found out.”
“And we’ve moved past that, haven’t we?” Kate asks.
“Yeah, but… I just don’t know if your plan is going to work.”
Kate gives me a weak smile. “Well, at the very least, we’re all going to have a nice dinner. As long as no one above the age of four ends up wearing their spaghetti, I’ll call it a success.”
There’s a veiled threat in her statement and I hear it. I give Kate a quick nod to acknowledge that I hear it, and she seems to accept that. She scurries back down the stairs to resume cooking and, I assume, gossiping with Carrick about me. Gossiping is a harsh word, though. I’m sure she’s only trying to get an understanding of his side of this bump in our relationship. I can only imagine what sort of story he will come up with for her. It has to be better than what I’ve told her.
Since it is what I supposedly came up here for, I decide I might as well check on the kids. When I do, I find Shepherd sitting up in bed playing with his DS while Junia is still out like a light. I decide to take the opportunity to get Shepherd cleaned up and ready for dinner, since I know I can’t handle trying to get both of them clean at the same time. Junia wanders into the bathroom anyway when I’m almost finished with Shep, and I send him off downstairs to bug his mom and Uncle Carrick.
I can handle this. It’s only a small thing to get my kids ready for dinner, but I can handle this, and it feels good to know that.
By the time I finally make it downstairs with two clean kids, Kate and Carrick are setting the table. Their conversation dies out as soon as I walk in, so I know they were still talking about me. God knows they’ve both seen the worst of me, so the fact that they’re still smiling—albeit sheepishly—is practically a miracle. The things they could say about me would have at least one of them running for the hills…
Our dinner conversation is friendlier than that, though. The kids mostly dominate it, babbling about preschool, toys, their cousins and anything else they can think of to tell Uncle Carrick about. It’s obvious that they’ve missed him. I didn’t even realize how attached to him they had become, and judging by the way he looks, I don’t think he has, either. He’s always been happy just to be an uncle to his brothers’ kids. I think his connection with my kids may be the closest he’s ever gotten to understanding fatherhood… and I hate that my stupid behavior might have gotten in the way of that. I hate that my behavior is screwing up everything.
“So, you’re almost finished with your album, right?” Kate says, and it takes me a moment to realize she’s talking to Carrick.
“Yeah,” he replies, sipping his coffee. “We just need to get all the promo stuff in order. Which I suppose will mean a trip back to Tulsa soon…”
Oh. I hadn’t thought about that. Kate doesn’t seem shocked, though. She just nods. “Well, I know the guys are going to start recording again soon, so you two can go out there together.”
“We are?” I stare at her.
“Oh, I mean…” Kate stutters out. “Well, aren’t you? It’s just, I thought I heard something about going back to El Paso to record. I mean, you guys are going to put out an album next year, aren’t you?”
“I don’t know,” I reply honestly. “And no one has said anything to me about El Paso.”
Kate pales a bit, obviously realizing she’s said too much. After a moment, she lets out a nervous laugh. “Well. I guess maybe you should talk to your brothers, then, before they record the whole thing without you.”
It’s obviously meant to be a joke, but I wouldn’t put it past them. And talking to them is so much easier said than done, but Kate can’t know that. Carrick knows, though, and the way he’s clenching his jaw says that he’s thinking about exactly that.
Seeming to sense the tension she’s accidentally created, Kate jumps up and says, “Well, why don’t we have some dessert, kids? We’ll have a little ice cream and if you guys are good, I’ll let you watch a little tv after your baths. Sound good?”
The kids agree enthusiastically, seeing nothing at all wrong or unusual about Kate’s plan, but I know what she’s doing. She’s giving me and Carrick some privacy. What she thinks we have to say to each other, I’m really not sure. Whatever we say, I have a feeling this conversation will change everything… or nothing.