Weak
My heart stops. Everything stops. There’s no point in moving, because we’ve already been caught. I knew this was stupid. I knew nothing good could come from kissing Taylor again. I knew that it would only—
Carrick. It’s Carrick.
Of all the people who could have walked into this room right now, he’s without a doubt the best option. He already knows, and he hasn’t run away yet. Still, it isn’t a good thing that he saw this. It might make me a horrible person, but I would feel much better if he didn’t know about this little indiscretion of mine. I certainly wouldn’t have told him if he hadn’t walked in.
I’m sure he can see the guilt on my face. I can’t read his face at all, though. I’m reminded of the last time he walked in on a scene like this, although it was far worse then. Or was it? I wasn’t cheating on him then, and he wasn’t so numb to such an awful sight. Now I have no excuse, no way to possibly justify the fact that I apparently can’t say no to Taylor.
“Carrick…” I whisper, but I don’t know what words could possibly follow. I have nothing to say.
He shakes his head, his lips set in a thin line. He pulls a cigarette out from behind his ear; it was, I assume, the reason for him wandering this way so late at night. Before I can think of anything to say to him, even something pointless and stupid, his long legs are carrying his across the room and out the screen door. Without even a look back at Taylor, I stand up to follow him. Immediately after I do, I hear Taylor’s footsteps.
“No,” I say as I spin around to face Taylor. “You’ve done enough here, don’t you think? Can you just let me fix this on my own?”
He scowls at me and storms out of the room. I figure that’s as close to a yes as I’m going to get.
Apparently interested in that little conversation, Carrick has frozen on the spot. He isn’t outside yet. He isn’t running yet, and so I still have a chance.
“Carrick, please…” I say, because they’re the only words that come to me.
“Please what?” He asks. “Please listen to you explain how you’re always going to go back to Taylor, and I just have to learn to live with that?”
“I’m not… going back to him,” I reply, glad that Taylor is at least a few feet away. He might still be close enough to hear this conversation, and I don’t doubt that he’s trying to hear it, knowing that it revolves entirely around him.
“But you are.” Carrick shakes his head and steps in closer to me. “You may not leave me for him, but you’ll never be one hundred percent mine. Maybe I shouldn’t ask that of you. I don’t know. All I know is that there will always be a part of you that won’t be able to resist him.”
I don’t say anything, because I can’t contradict anything he’s just said. He’s right, as much as I wish he wasn’t, and I’m sure Taylor knows he’s right, too. And I hate that Taylor knows he’s right.
“Tell me you don’t still want him. Can you tell me that, Zac?”
“I don’t want to still want him,” I say softly, staring at the floor.
Carrick puts a finger under my chin and lifts it, but before I can see the look in his eyes, he’s staring at a point over my left shoulder. I can feel Taylor’s body heat on me now. I wonder how long he’s been right there, hanging on our every word and I just didn’t notice. Of course he didn’t leave. Why would he?
“Zac… I’m…”
I shake my head, but don’t turn to look at him. “Don’t say it, Tay. You’re not sorry. You’re not. You never have been, not once in your life. I’m sorry I’m not stronger.”
“You’re stronger than you know,” Carrick says softly.
I just shake my head, because I’m not. I know I’m not, he knows I’m not and Taylor knows I’m not. That’s why, I’m sure, Taylor is inching closer to me, one hand running up and down my back and sending chills all over my body. I hate him. He knows what he’s doing. He knows he’s taking advantage of my weakness.
And he knows I’m weak enough to let him.
I swear I can actually see Carrick’s heart breaking as he watches Taylor pull me closer to him. I can’t watch this. I should stop it so that Carrick doesn’t have to see it in the first place, but he’s wrong about how strong I am. All I can do is close my eyes so I don’t have to see him lose all faith in me.
With my eyes closed, I can’t see what Taylor’s next move might be. I can’t even guess. His lips connect with my neck and it makes me jump, a fact that has Taylor chuckling against my skin in between soft kisses. It makes Carrick sigh, and the noise causes me to open my eyes. Even though I don’t want to see him, I realize that I have to know. If I’m going to hurt him, I have to know how much. I have to know how awful I am.
“I should go,” he says.
I shake my head, but my mouth is too dry to speak. I know I put Carrick through this before, but I need him here. I want Taylor, but I don’t need him the way that I do Carrick; I realize that now. I hope Carrick understands the difference, too.
Carrick doesn’t say anything, but his shoulders drop in what looks like defeat as Taylor runs his hands over my chest. Carrick’s eyes are carefully trained on mine, ignoring everything Taylor does, especially as his hands move farther south to the waistline of my pajama pants. He may be staying, but it’s clear that he doesn’t have the strength to actually watch this. I don’t blame him.
I know I’m walking a thin line here, but I reach out and run my hand down Carrick’s chest. I want to reassure him, somehow, that this is okay, even though my mind is screaming at me that it’s really not. He flinches, but doesn’t move. I run my hand back up his chest and collarbone. It comes to rest on the back of his neck, effectively holding him in place. He blinks at me, looking almost shy and hesitant, then steps in closer until the gap between us has closed entirely and his lips are pressed against mine.
The only thing between us now, literally and figuratively, is Taylor. His hand has crept down into my pants, finding the erection I didn’t realize was growing there and wrapping around it. I moan into Carrick’s mouth and to my surprise that seems to make him grow bolder. He places his hands on either side of my face, kissing me deeply and almost making me forget what Taylor’s doing to me. I guess that’s the effect he’s going for.
When Taylor pulls away, I temporarily forget how to breathe. I have to pull back from Carrick to gasp for air… and to see where Taylor is going. He slithers his way between Carrick and me, falling to the floor between us. I don’t have to guess what he has planned next, but I am surprised when Carrick helps Taylor shove my pants down further, freeing me from their confines. He runs his fingers through my hair as I watch Taylor slowly, teasingly swirl his tongue around the head of my dick before finally taking me fully into his mouth.
This is insanity. This feels too good and too wrong all at the same time, and I’m finally realizing there’s no way to fix that. I have to just let it happen.
I raise my head up again and press my lips against Carrick’s. This time, he moans into my mouth, and I have to wonder if he’s really enjoying this or only going along with it because it’s what I want. Sometimes I think that for Carrick, that’s a distinction without a difference. Either way, he’s definitely breathing heavily as we continue to kiss and Taylor continues to suck my dick. I slide my hand down Carrick’s chest and into his pants, and I’m a little bit surprised to find that he’s hard. I’m even more surprised when I feel another hand join mine and I realize it belongs to Taylor.
Pulling back from the kiss, because I have to see this, I rest my head against Carrick’s and stare down between us. Taylor’s has the biggest portion of my length in his mouth, his eyelashes fluttering as he moves back and forth. One hand is on my hip to steady himself and the other is wrapped around Carrick’s dick, stroking him at a pace that very nearly matches the one he’s using on me. A low moan fills the air and it takes me a moment to realize it came from me.
Carrick and I practically have to hold each other up as Taylor continues pulling our strings. And that’s exactly what he’s doing. Logically, I know we’re both just puppets in whatever scheme he’s working on now, but that doesn’t change how good this feels or how close I am to coming. It doesn’t stop me from planting a hand firmly in Taylor’s hair so that he can’t move until I’m done.
“Shit, Tay…” is all the warning I give him before I come, my entire body shaking as I feel him suck even harder.
He licks up every drop I have to offer him, and I finally let my hand fall away from his hair. When I do, he turns his attention to Carrick, whose fingernails are digging into my arms as Taylor draws him closer and closer to his orgasm. My mouth hangs open in shock, my body tired and overstimulated but still turned on, as I watch Taylor take Carrick into his mouth, sucking him with just as much enthusiasm as he did me. In only a matter of seconds, I feel Carrick shake all over, his moan one that I know all too well. It’s not exactly the same sound he makes with me, but I still have no doubt that Taylor has gotten him off.
When Taylor pulls away and stands up, I’m left reeling. The spell that had been cast over all of us is broken. He rushes from the room with just one tiny glance back at me that leaves me even more shaken. I have no clue what he was trying to accomplish here, and maybe he doesn’t know either. Maybe he just plays these games because it’s all he knows how to do.
I want to collapse into Carrick’s arms and let him make this all okay, but I know that he can’t. He’s pulling away from me, too, tucking himself back into his pants with his eyes averted. I do the same, then step in closer to him but there’s practically a physical wall between us. I can feel it, and I know who built it–me, albeit with a lot of help from my brother.
“Let’s get some sleep,” Carrick says softly, and I know there’s no arguing with him.
He turns to walk away and I follow him as he leads the way back to the guest room. He’s walking too fast for me to keep up with him, and by the time I make it to the bedroom, he’s already curled up with his back to me. The distance between us is only growing, and I don’t know how to fix it. All I can do is climb into bed and hope that when I wake up, all of this will have been an awful dream.