Goodbyes
Two weeks after we return from Australia, I help Austin pack to return to California. Carrick would be leaving with him, but he’s staying to help me pack. He didn’t have to do that, but he did. And so two weeks after that, after the single most depressing trip to Disneyland ever, I find myself back at my old home with Carrick and a U-Haul.
Kate and the kids are here too, and it’s really, really weird to see them all interacting with Carrick like nothing unusual is happening here. My kids, my ex-wife and my boyfriend… all together. I didn’t want to come here because I was worried it would be awkward as hell, but I knew I couldn’t avoid it, since so many of my belongings are still here. I took only what I absolutely needed when I moved into the apartment what feels like ages ago.
But it isn’t awkward. It actually feels right to see Carrick chasing Shep and Junia around while Kate tries to maintain some sense of control and help pack my boxes into the U-Haul at the same time. It’s times like these when I think I really don’t deserve either of them. As strange as it sounds, though, I don’t regret letting Kate go. We’re better now than we were together. Somehow, I think all of that badness had to happen to get us to this good place.
Well, maybe not all of it.
I don’t want to think about any of that right now, though, and luckily there’s plenty to distract me from unhappy thoughts. My whole life is being carried out of this house, one box at a time. It’s not like this is the first time I’ve ever moved; it’s not even my first cross-country move. But six moves–seven if you count moving back into the apartment–in twenty six years isn’t a lot. And somehow, this move seems a lot more final than any of the others did. That said, it’s not a bad sort of finality. Every box I carry out and place into this U-Haul is just another weight off my shoulders. I feel freer and freer by the second.
“At least he’s keeping the kids occupied,” Kate says, nodding toward Carrick who is now letting Junia and Shep chase him around the yard. “Where do you want these boxes? They’re labeled DVDs and games.”
“Better put the games in a safe spot,” I say, grinning. It is a joke and it isn’t, and Kate knows that. “Just wedge them in between these two big boxes of painting supplies.”
Kate does, with a little help from me. I’m not sure how she even managed to get these boxes out of the house; they’re easily some of the heaviest ones I’ve got, aside from all the drum equipment, some of which I need to pick up from our studio. I’m really putting that off until the last possible minute, though.
“Are you packing anything that isn’t some sort of toy?” Kate teases. “And Carrick doesn’t count.”
“Did you just imply that Carrick is my boytoy?” I gasp in mock surprise and offense.
Kate giggles. “I think I did. But you know I really do think you two are going to be happy out there. And once Shep’s preschool classes end for the year, I’ll bring the kids out to visit you.”
“I’ll be back for Thanksgiving… I hope,” I reply. We did talk about getting together in a month to start recording our next album, but Ike was the only one really pushing for it. I just don’t know if it’s going to happen… ever.
While Kate and I are talking, things go suspiciously quiet. Then I hear feet shuffling, and Carrick approaches with a huge box in his arms and both of my children following behind him, each holding a much, much smaller box. I’m not sure how he managed that, but I’m impressed. He sets his box down, then lifts Junia, box and all, into the U-Haul. She giggles and squeals as he pretends to store her amongst the boxes of my clothes.
“Does it seem to you like some of us are getting more accomplished than others?” Kate asks me, but she’s grinning enough to let me know it’s a joke.
Carrick turns around skeptically, but smiles when he sees there’s no real judgment on Kate’s face. It’s so fucking weird to see the two of them getting along, but I always wanted it to be this way. Okay, maybe not exactly this way; I couldn’t have guessed that I would divorce Kate and date Carrick. All I ever wanted was for them to get along. They were, at different times, my best friends… and my lovers. They’ve always been, aside from Taylor, the people who meant the most to me. When I imagined the three of us coexisting happily, it wasn’t like this, but that doesn’t matter now. All that matters is that we’ve all found some happiness and peace.
“You mean I’m not supposed to be packing this?” Carrick asks, picking Junia back up from her perch on top of the boxes and setting off another round of her giggles. “Sorry, baby girl. I guess you’ll have to stay in Tulsa. But remember, it was your mama’s call, not mine.”
Junia still giggles, but she clings to Kate as soon as Carrick hands her over. Kate offers her a soothing reminder that she’ll get to see Daddy again soon, and then ushers the rest of us back into the house to finish carrying out my life and loading it up.
“Alright,” I say, once we’ve stowed the last box and latched the back of the U-Haul. “Why do I suddenly feel like I’m about to face the firing squad?”
Kate laughs softly, but there’s a sympathetic look on her face. She puts a hand on my arm and says, “It’ll be fine. It won’t take long to get whichever drums and things you’re taking with you, will it?”
“I guess not,” I reply. “It’s not like I’m leaving the company or the studio or whatever. But there are a few things at the office that I need, so…”
I trail off then, and Carrick leans against me softly. He knows even better than Kate does how much I dread this trip to our office. There’s no more delaying it, though.
Kate yells for the kids to stop chasing each other and say goodbye to Daddy. The goodbyes are tearful, at least for me. It’s sad to say, but Shep and Junia are so used to Daddy leaving that they probably don’t really understand that it isn’t temporary this time. They’ll figure it out, though, and I hope it doesn’t hurt them. Of course it will hurt to have their family spread across the country, but I hope that in the same way we made it work when I was on tour, we can make this work. I guess time will tell.
Finally, I hand over the truck keys to Carrick and resolve to just go and get this over with. All of his belongings are piled into the bed of my truck, and I’m trusting him to drive it while I man the U-Haul. With one last goodbye to Kate and a promise to call her when we stop for the night in New Mexico, we start our little convoy through Tulsa to 3CG.
The office is eerily quiet, in the way it has been a lot lately. We don’t have a huge staff, so the place is rarely bustling, but there’s usually something going on. There’s usually some sense of life. Now there’s nothing, and the silence is just another reminder of how broken we are. Even though I fear running into anyone, but especially Taylor, that silence reminds me why I’m doing this. Why I have to do this if there’s any hope of saving the band… and myself.
“Come on,” Carrick says softly, his hand on my lower back to nudge me further into the office. “I’ll go load up the art supplies–if you trust me to do it–and you can get whatever you need from your desk. That way we won’t be here long.”
I nod and offer him a grateful smile. “Yeah, that’s fine. I need to grab a few things from the recording booth, too, probably. We’ll do that last.”
With a plan in place, it doesn’t take long for us to get things packed up and hauled out to the alley where we’ve parked. A few interns and such are floating around the office, and I attempt to mumble goodbyes to them. There are only a few of our employees I’m all that attached to, and I don’t even know how to say goodbye to them. I’ve already done the tearful goodbyes with everyone else, including my parents, who seem to have decided to entirely ignore Carrick’s place in my life. I don’t blame them for that; I think acting cheerfully oblivious to our relationship is probably the best reaction they could have. The only people I haven’t said goodbye to yet are my brothers, and as much of a wimp as it makes me, I haven’t made any attempt to contact either of them to do so.
Once my desk is so bare that it hardly looks like anyone has ever used it, I head into the actual studio portion of the building, and that’s where I find my two brothers standing over the mixing board, arguing. Their voices are low enough, and they go quiet so quickly after spotting me, that I have no clue what they’re arguing about, but I can’t help thinking it’s me. Then I feel silly and conceited for thinking that and try to dismiss the thought.
“Hey,” I squeak out. “I was just, umm, gonna get a few things and then we’re on our way…”
“Already?” Isaac asks.
“Yeah,” I say. “There’s just no point in delaying it. We can get a few hours in and hopefully get all the way to New Mexico tonight. I just… can’t stay here.”
The last few words are directed at Taylor, and I’m proud of myself for having the strength to look him in the eyes when I say them. I hope he realizes why I’m so anxious to leave, but I don’t really have faith in his ability to be that self aware.
“Well, if that’s the plan, that’s the plan,” Ike replies with a shrug. It’s bad that I’m surprised that he seems so reluctant to let me go. It’s even worse that he’s not the brother I wish was that reluctant. “Anyway, don’t let us get in your way if you need to pack up some stuff from here. You better not be moving out of the studio entirely, though. I still think we need to get back to work on the album after Thanksgiving.”
“We will,” I reply softly, the words not at all convincing, but it’s enough to make Ike smile.
“Good,” he says, then takes a few steps closer to me. Awkwardly, he wraps his arms around me. With his voice low enough that Taylor probably can’t hear, he says, “You be good out there, alright? Take care of yourself. Let Carrick take care of you, too. You know what I mean.”
I chuckle nervously as I hug Isaac back. “Yeah, I do know what you mean. I’ll be back to visit soon, I swear.”
“You damn well be better,” he says with a laugh, then finally lets go of me.
We stand awkwardly in front of each other for a moment, then he makes an excuse to leave the room. I suppose he thinks if he leaves me alone with Taylor, we’ll work out all our differences. If only he knew how dangerous it was for the two of us to be alone. We’ll either fuck or kill each other. Or both.
“You’re really doing this,” Taylor finally says.
“Yeah,” I reply. “I am.”
And that’s all we say. We just stare at each other. I keep waiting for him to have some huge change of heart, but of course that doesn’t happen. He doesn’t care whether I stay or go. He doesn’t care at all.
And that makes it so, so much easier to leave.
Carrick joins me a moment later, and together we ignore Taylor until he gets the hint and leaves the room. It takes us just a few minutes to pack the last few items, and then there’s nothing left for me in Tulsa but one last visit to Taco Bueno before we hit the road.
It’s still fairly early in the day when we drive our little convoy out of town, and the sun is shining down on us. I know I’ll be under the same sun in California, but it doesn’t feel like it. It doesn’t feel like anything will be the same once I cross the Oklahoma state line in just a few hours. But maybe… maybe it’s a change for the good. I can only hope so, and deep inside, it feels like it will be. It just has to be. I refuse to admit defeat and go back to the half a life I had before this summer. I’m ready for a new life. A better life.