Two Bedrooms, One Bath
If the last few months haven’t proven that I’m the king of bad decisions, then the decision I make the night before my next to last meeting with the divorce lawyers definitely proves it.
A combination of caffeine and boredom left me unable to sleep, and so I ended up browsing the internet until the early hours of the morning. Out of curiosity, I start looking at apartments in or near Silver Lake, California—Carrick’s neighborhood. There are a few nice ones, and as soon as it’s not to early to risk waking up the landlord, I call one of the complexes and manage to finagle myself a verbal agreement on a condo I haven’t even seen in person. It’s big enough and nice enough for the kids to come visit, and if Carrick actually relents and lets me move in with him, I won’t have lost too much money on however many months’ rent I have to pay before Carrick gives in. Besides, it isn’t like I don’t have money to spare; I could have gone looking at houses, but I’m convinced that Carrick will give in… eventually.
What I needed wasn’t a house or even an apartment. I just needed an address, which I have printed out along with a few color pictures of the two bedroom, one bath condo I found. They’re now clutched tightly under my arm as I walk into the lawyer’s office, ready to see what they—and Kate—have to say about my plan.
Only minutes later the whole thing is over. It feels like I’ve just walked in. Maybe I was expecting to meet more resistance to my plan, because it feels like I’ve never really been able to make my own decisions—especially none this big—before. But I am, and I did, and now the lawyers are packing up their briefcases while I’m still staring down at my creased and wrinkled printouts.
“So you’re really doing this, hmm?” Kate says.
I jump a little, not even realizing she is still in the room. Everyone else has left, their jobs easily completed. All the paperwork is done, the custody agreed upon, everything set in stone. Now we just… wait. Once I’m back from Australia, the divorce will be final and I will be packing for California.
“Yeah,” I reply. “I am. I’m really going to move out there.”
“Why aren’t you moving in with Carrick? I mean, you’re going there to be with him, I suppose.”
I look down, not wanting to look Kate in the eye when I admit, “He doesn’t want me to move.”
“What?” Kate asks. “I’m sorry, I thought you two were…”
She trails off there, and I’m glad. I don’t want to know what word she would have chosen to describe us. Still not looking up at her, I reply, “We were… are… I guess. It’s just that he thinks I’m making a really rash decision here and I’ll regret it or something.”
“It is rash,” Kate agrees, sliding my printouts toward her side of the table. “But it looks like you’ve planned this really well. You seem like you’ve got your stuff together. No offense, but I’ve never really seen you like this before. Like you finally have a grip on your own life and where you want it to go. Like you don’t actually need someone to guide it for you—which is good, because I’m finally realizing I can’t be that person.”
There’s something really bittersweet, but not angry, in Kate’s voice. She clears her throat, like she’s trying to get rid of that tone, and shuffles my papers.
“It looks like you picked out a nice place,” Kate remarks. “Bigger than the apartment you’re in now.”
“More expensive, too,” I reply, finally looking up. “But it’s two floors. The kids would have to share, but I’d give them the bigger room.”
“There would be room for Carrick to move in there, too, you know…” Kate says. “But he owns his place, doesn’t he? I mean, it’s not too hard on him to rent this place here for a while, but…”
“He probably couldn’t afford this place, and he wouldn’t let me pay for everything, even if I can,” I finish for her, nodding.
“If I hadn’t needed to be at home taking care of the kids, I wouldn’t have let you either,” Kate says. “I’m not that old fashioned, despite what everyone seems to think. Maybe I’ll actually put my degree to use now. Once both the kids are in school I could get a job.”
“You think you will?” I ask, and she nods like she’s just made up her mind. “That’s good. I think that will be good for you. The same way that moving will be good for me.”
Kate gives me a smile and slides the printouts back toward me. “Sounds like we’ve made up our minds, then. Now we just have to wait.”
“I guess so,” I reply.
“Come on,” Kate says, standing up and clapping her hands like she’s talking to the kids, not me. “Let’s go get some lunch, then get you to the studio. You can’t just sit there moping like this didn’t go well.”
“I’m not moping,” I say, pulling myself up to my feet and forcing myself to smile.
I stuff the condo papers in my pocket and walk around the table to join Kate. She holds her arm out to me, a silly smile on her face, and I accept it. Arm in arm, like an actual couple rather than one that just finalized their divorce, we walk out of the lawyer’s office.
“By the way,” she says, once we step outside. “I’m glad things are working out between you and Carrick. The moving thing is just going to be a little stumbling block. You two are too good together not to make it through this.”
“You think?” I ask, surprised that even though we are obviously happier apart, she can be so happy to see me in a new relationship.
“Yeah,” Kate replies, smirking a little. “You make such a cute couple that it would just be a shame if you didn’t make it.”
Too shocked to actually say anything in response to that, I just watch as Kate walks away and unlocks her car. Before she gets in, she gives me another smile and asks if Mexicali is fine with me. Still in shock, I can only nod.
I’m not sure what surprises me more—the fact that she is confident Carrick and I can make it or that she thinks we make a cute couple.
After lunch with Kate, where we seem to both make it a point not to mention her comments about my relationship with Carrick, I head into the studio to get a little rehearsal in. We had to schedule around my meeting with the lawyers, which I know bothered them all. Sometimes I feel like Isaac thinks I’m just trying to make things with the band harder. If he only knew the bombshell I’m about to drop on everyone…
Once I arrive at the studio, I throw my keys, phone and everything else cluttering up my pockets onto my desk and rush into our big rehearsal space-slash-art studio. Isaac and Taylor are already there, along with a few of our techs, and it’s clear they’ve all been waiting on me. I mumble a quick apology as I take my spot at the drums, and neither of them even seem to acknowledge it. Without even a glance my way, Taylor calls out the first song. I count us off and soon enough I’m lost in the music and able to put aside my worries.
It isn’t our best rehearsal ever, but it isn’t so bad. There’s just no life in us, no sense that we really want to be here, even if on a technical level, the music sounds fine. It just has no soul. When Isaac calls for a smoke break, no one complains. Even though I had been happy to escape into the music for a while, I also don’t mind taking a break from the tension of being around my brothers.
At some point, Carrick has apparently arrived. I didn’t see or hear him come in, so I must have been even more lost in the music than I thought. He’s standing back against the wall by the door and he perks up a little as I stand up from my drum kit and walk his way, but there’s something strange in the look he’s giving me.
“Hey,” he says. “I hope you don’t mind that I went through your desk, but I thought I left my lighter there…”
I shake my head to let him know that I don’t mind, and I truly don’t. I have nothing to hide from him, so I don’t know why he would think going through my desk would be a problem.
“Well, I found this,” he continues, holding up a few crumpled sheets of paper.
I don’t have to guess what they are. I already know. Maybe I did have something to hide from him after all.
“What are you thinking, Zac?”
I shrug, deciding to walk out of the room rather than continue this conversation. I know it’s childish and I don’t care. Carrick is just going to argue that I’m making a bad decision, but the decision is made. Even though it was only a verbal agreement and not an officially signed lease, I’m not backing out. I won’t. I can’t.
“So you want to move there to be closer to me, but you’re not even going to talk to me right now?” Carrick asks, obviously following right behind me as I attempt to make my retreat down the hallway. “That’s really mature, Zac.”
Kate thought I’d made a mature decision, I nearly say. I guess I only have a limited capacity for those, since my reaction to Carrick right now is not at all mature. Just before reaching our office, where he discovered my plan, I spin around.
“I’m going to California,” I say, knowing I’m only seconds away from putting my foot in my mouth but unable to stop myself. “I’m getting my own place and I’m going. I don’t see how that’s really your business.”
“Wanting what’s best for you is my business,” Carrick replies, his voice and expression softening some, and making me feel like absolute shit.
“Yeah, well, I am sometimes capable of deciding what that is on my own,” I mumble.
Carrick takes a few steps closer to me and puts his hand on my arm. “I know you are. I’m just not completely convinced this is one of those times, but if you are… if you are, then I guess I have to trust you. Even if I don’t like the decision you made.”
“I thought you’d like having me closer,” I reply, faking a pout in hopes of making him laugh.
“I do want you closer,” he says softly. “So much closer. I’m just not sure that moving to California is going to be good for you in any way other than that.”
“Moving to California?”
I don’t have to turn around to know whose voice that is, but my feet seem to have a mind of their own. I should have known better than to have this argument right next to our office, effectively in public. As I spin around, my fear is confirmed. Not only is Taylor standing there, but so is Isaac, and it’s obvious they’ve heard enough to know my plan.
“I think, umm, maybe we should talk… before we finish rehearsing,” I manage to say, my voice as weak as I feel.
“Yeah,” Isaac says, staring right through me. “Sounds like we have a lot to talk about.”
Taylor doesn’t say a word. He just falls into line behind Isaac as he leads the way to our conference room. I want to bring Carrick with me, but I know I can’t. I have to do this alone. I have to explain, just days before we leave for our latest tour, why I want to move halfway across the country.
I may not live to see that tour.