Path of Least Resistance

It takes a while to convince Carrick that Kate isn’t going to come back and kill us both, but once I do, he once again agrees to spend a few days at my apartment. I don’t dare put a date on it, because I don’t want him to ever leave. If it were possible, I would just keep him here. Carrick knows that, I think, but he doesn’t call me out on it.

He spends the entire weekend, but once Monday rolls around we have no excuse to stay in our little bubble anymore. We both have to go back to the studio, and so we do, making no attempt to hide the fact that we arrived together.

I’ve been in such a haze that although I remembered that I needed to come to the studio today, I completely forgot we were having an actual band meeting. I hate how wrapped up I’ve gotten in my stupid drama. But it isn’t all that stupid, is it? It could rip my life apart, as I’m reminded when I walk into the conference room and see Taylor pointedly staring at his cell phone rather than meeting my eyes.

Very little that’s said during the meeting actually sticks in my brain. I feel so hollow lately that I’m positive what I do hear just goes in one ear and echoes around inside me forever. The only thing that makes any impression at all is the reminder that we’re going out on the road for a week starting in just two days. How did I manage to forget that? It seems impossible, but I have no memory of all these appearances we apparently have scheduled. It’s like we’re actually still a band or something, rather than one brother who won’t speak to the other two, one who is just an empty shell of a person and one who is totally oblivious to it all living off the remains of their past success.

Maybe I’m not an empty shell. It seems this husk is full of cynicism.

When the meeting from hell finally ends, Taylor practically sprints out of the conference room. It takes a lot of self control not to roll my eyes at him and even more down to finally break down completely. What have I done to make him so determined to never be around me?

And how the hell are we going to survive a week on the road together?

I’m the last one to leave the conference room, choosing to ignore all the weird looks I get from everyone when I just sit there staring off into space. There’s nothing for me outside this room. There’s nothing for me anywhere, except maybe with Carrick, and I haven’t seen him since we arrived. Once I feel a little less depressed, maybe I’ll go look for him.

While I’m throwing myself this pity party, my phone begins to vibrate in my pocket. I can’t imagine who could be trying to contact me; nearly anyone I’d want to hear from is here except for one person, whose name I see on the screen. Kate.

As I type this, Nat is packing to leave! Finally!!!

I have to reread the message several times before I can even begin to believe it. Even though, I’m doubtful. My hands are actually shaking as I try to type my reply.

Leaving? Like for good? Where is she going?

A few seconds later, my phone buzzes again and what I see on the screen makes my stomach drop.

Back home. She’s moving in while you guys are gone but Tay knows & agreed to it.

I suppose that explains why he’s ignoring me more than ever. He’s finally decided to go along with Nat’s plan to put distance between us. I don’t understand at all. I really don’t. I know she’s insane, but what can she really do? And why doesn’t Taylor think I’m worth fighting for? I would fight for him, but he’s tied my hands. Is he completely powerless too? I have so many questions, but I know he won’t answer a single one.

I told Nat that I knew about you and Carrick btw. It just sort of slipped out – hope you’re not mad.

For a moment, I stop breathing. There is no possible way Nat could have responded well to that. I may have let Kate remain in the dark, but Nat would surely waste no time telling her that wasn’t my biggest secret. My fingers tremble as I type a text back to Kate.

What did Nat say???

It takes her longer to reply this time, which I assume means a longer message. The entire time I wait for it, my heart is pounding in my chest.

Not much. She seemed kind of surprised, but I thought she knew. Maybe she was just surprised that I wasn’t mad? Anyway, she talked to T after that & started packing to leave, so we really didn’t talk about it much.

If I thought I couldn’t breathe before, it’s nothing compared to how I feel now. How is this even happening? Why hasn’t Nat told Kate the truth, that I lied about Carrick being my big secret? She has to be playing some sort of angle, and I have no clue at all what it could be. The fact that she’s moving back in with Taylor only makes it worse, but it does at least go part of the way toward explaining why he’s pulling farther and farther away from me.

I want to be so, so angry with Taylor, but right now all I can feel is relief that Natalie has decided to keep my secret… for now.

My phone is still in my hands, and I realize I haven’t texted Kate back. Quickly, I type:

Let me know if she comes back or does anything else, k? I’ll talk to you later when I’m not at work.

That’s vague and friendly enough, I think. Hopefully it doesn’t sound suspicious. I can’t tell. When Kate’s only reply is to tell me to have a good day at work, I breathe a sigh of relief that I haven’t given myself away and finally tuck my phone back into my pocket. Now I suppose I really should go to work, even though I have no desire to see Taylor. I guess now I have a taste of how Taylor feels.

In a strange daze, I pull myself out of my chair and make my way out of the conference room. I’m moving, but I’m on autopilot, just going through the motions. That’s nothing new; except for a few shining moments, I feel like I’ve just been coasting for months now.

I coast along so aimlessly that I nearly run right into Carrick in the hallway. At least it’s him. If I had to crash into someone in this office, he’s one of the best options.

“Hey,” I breathe out, grasping his arms to steady myself.

“Hey yourself,” he replies. “If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were drunk right now.”

I shake my head. “No… no, I just… got some news.”

“News about…?” He prods, a slight smile on his face. “You gotta give me more than that.”

“Well, you know, Kate knows about us. And I guess now Natalie does, too. Kate texted to apologize for telling her, which I don’t even have the energy to be upset about right now, and to tell me that… Nat’s moving back in with Taylor.”

Carrick stares at me for a moment, blinking rapidly. Finally, he exhales and says, “Okay, well… you had to know something like that would happen eventually, right? I mean, no offense, but Taylor’s not…”

“Not what?” I ask, suddenly feeling offended and defensive. I’ve always been that way about Taylor, though; I can insult him but if anyone else does, it’s like a knife driven straight into my chest.

“He’s just not… really dependable, is he? You know he always chooses the path of least resistance. I’m not trying to insult him, but you know that’s the truth.”

Carrick isn’t wrong. I know that. Yet it still hurts to hear him say these things I’ve known about Taylor but tried my best to ignore. His words echo in my mind and I know he’s right. Ignoring me, allowing Nat to move back in… this is Taylor choosing not to fight. Just like he always has. And there’s no reason to think that he will ever do anything different.

Finally I nod. “Yeah, I know. You’re right. I just… I guess I’m too stubborn and hopeful for my own good.”

“Maybe you are,” Carrick says. “But it’s kind of what I like about you. The fact that you’re still going after everything you’ve been through… it’s a real strength. I know you feel weak, but you’re not.”

All I can do in response to that is shrug.

“Come on, what’s wrong now?” Carrick asks.

“We’re going on the road,” I reply. “Just for a week. But it’s longer than I can bear to be around Taylor when he’s like this. And it’s lame, I know, but I just… I don’t want to be away from you.”

He sighs, pulling back from my grasp, and I know that whatever he says now is going to be something I don’t want to hear. “You know we’re almost done recording the album, right? Just a few more weeks to finish and then… I mean, we never planned to stay here forever. You did know that, didn’t you?”

“I… I guess I did…” I stutter out because of course somewhere in the back of my mind I did know that. I had just let myself forget it, but now the truth is hitting me like a ton of bricks. “What does… I mean, you’re just going to leave?”

“I’m not leaving you,” he says. “It doesn’t mean this… thing… is over just because I’m not in Tulsa. I’m just saying that you’ll have to rely on that strength I know you have to stand on your own a little bit more. And you can do it.”

Again all I can do is shrug. I don’t believe him. I can’t do this on my own. A big part of me wants to be so fucking angry with him for abandoning me, but I know that’s irrational. Still, I can feel irrational anger bubbling up inside of me, threatening to spill out. When it comes out, though, I have a feeling it will be in the form of tears, not rage.

Carrick wraps me up in his arms. “We’ve got a few weeks before we have to worry about all of that, okay? You get through this trip and then we’ll figure out the future. You think you can do that for me?”

“I’ll do anything for you,” I mumble against his shoulder, not caring how stupid and cheesy it sounds.

“I know,” he says. “Ditto.”

And I believe him. It doesn’t even matter that we’re standing in the middle of the office, embracing in a way that clearly isn’t friendly. I’m not ashamed of Carrick. Everyone who I didn’t want to know about us already knows, so what reason is there to worry now?

But there is reason to worry—lots of reasons, in fact. I know Carrick is right, though. All I can do is take it one day at a time and lean on him while I still can. After that… well, I don’t really want to think about what happens after that.

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