Creeper
I honestly can’t remember a more miserable day spent in the studio since the months before we went independent. Even then, I still had someone to talk to, someone to help me get through it all. But now I’m stuck in the office, listening to Carrick and Austin’s demos, while Carrick is apparently hiding from me.
It’s funny; I started today wanting to avoid Carrick at all costs, but now he’s the one person I want to talk to. I can’t even make eye contact with Taylor for the rest of the day, not even when he leans over my shoulder to look at the computer and his breath makes the hairs on my neck stand up. Any day before today, I would have thought Taylor had no clue the effect he was having. Now I know he does, yet I’m more confused than ever.
We work late into the afternoon, until Taylor checks his watch and informs us that he has to go pick up the kids from school. Natalie and Kate won’t be home until later that evening, so Taylor’s still on daddy duty. I think he’s pretty happy to have an excuse to leave early, though, and I’m definitely not complaining, either. Austin decides to stick around for a while and play with some of the guitar tracks he’s been working on, which gives me the perfect opportunity to go to their house and see if I can talk to Carrick.
I don’t know if he’ll talk to me, and I’m still not sure why I want to talk to him, but it seems I’ve made up my mind that it’s going to happen. Even though I question my every move, I still find myself walking to my truck and driving off in the direction of his house.
I parallel park on the street, so I can’t see if their van is in the alley out back or not, but the living room light is definitely on. I feel like a real creeper trying to stare in the windows for a sign of Carrick, especially when I see the blinds get pushed back. So, he’s there and he knows I’m a creeper. Awesome.
Although putting my truck in drive and speeding off like a coward seems like a really good option, I know I can’t do it. I have to at least man up enough to walk to the door. What happens after that isn’t really up to me.
The porch steps creak so much under my feet that even if Carrick hadn’t been standing by the window, I have no doubt he would still hear my approach. I’m pretty sure the doorbell doesn’t work, so I don’t bother; I just bang my fist against the door. The blinds shift again and I step back in anticipation of the door swinging open.
It doesn’t.
I bang on the door again, then call out, “Carrick! I know you’re there.”
The blinds shift again, this time enough for me to see his eyes staring out at me, intensely blue but unreadable. I stare straight at him and mouth the word “please.” In an instant, he disappears from the window. The blinds fall back into place and I have no clue whether he’s coming to the door or hiding.
Seconds later, I have my answer.
The door swings open to reveal Carrick, shivering even though it’s a sweltering hot day. A half-smoked cigarette hangs from his mouth, ashes trailing off into the floor. I don’t remember the last time I saw him smoke a cigarette; I thought he had quit. He stares at me blankly, evidently waiting for me to make the next move or say the next words.
“Carrick,” I say. “Can I come in?”
“Probably. Should you?”
His tone isn’t as sarcastic as his words, but it still stings. I don’t understand where this is coming from at all. “Seriously… I need to talk.”
“You didn’t need to talk all weekend. Or this morning,” he replies, taking a lazy drag on his cigarette. The smoke burns my eyes but that’s the least of my concerns.
“That’s different,” I say. “I need to talk now.”
“About what?” he asks, leaning against the door frame. He just looks annoyed with my existence.
I’ve never seen Carrick this quiet, this unfriendly. It’s not like him at all and I don’t understand it. It seems forced, though. A thought passes through my mind and even though it seems absolutely ridiculous, I can’t help wondering…
“She got to you, didn’t she? She told you to stay away from me.”
Carrick looks confused, but then I see realization wash over him. “Your wife? What the hell does this have to do with – wait, did she tell you to stay away from me?”
I nod, too ashamed to admit that I hadn’t argued with her command. I think Carrick can figure that out for himself, though. My eyes are fixed firmly on the peeling paint of the porch; the admission I didn’t need to make is too shameful for me to even meet Carrick’s eyes – at least, until he speaks again.
“She didn’t tell me anything, Zac. I made my own choice to stay away from you.”
My head snaps back up. “Why would you do that? You’re my best friend.”
His eyes cloud over and he stares off into the distance. “I’ve been asking myself that all weekend.”
“You mean… about what happened after the party?”
I can’t find any more words to describe it, but Carrick nods so I know he knows what I mean. “Yeah, molesting you in your sleep isn’t exactly the friendliest thing to do.”
“I wasn’t asleep, Carrick. I woke up when I was… well…” My cheeks might actually be on fire right now. I still have no good explanation for why my body decided to act out my disgusting wet dreams on Carrick.
“That doesn’t make it any better,” he replies, blowing out an angry cloud of smoke that makes me cough. “Sorry. But just because you were awake – I mean, I didn’t ask or anything. I just thought… you needed a little relief, you know? Stupid, drunk logic.”
“But I did,” I say. “I did need… relief. God, I needed something after what Taylor did.”
“You didn’t need me to molest you.”
“Can you stop using that word?” I ask, scrunching up my nose. “You’re making it sound worse than it was. Not that it was – you know what I mean.”
I’m not sure, but I swear that makes Carrick blush. I can’t believe I almost admitted that I enjoyed getting a hand job from him, but it’s hardly the strangest thing that’s happened today. He coughs, a tiny puff of smoke escaping his lips, then finally looks me in the eyes.
“So, you don’t think I’m the creepiest creeper to ever creep?”
I shake my head. “Nah, I think I won that title a long time ago. You know, when I started thinking about fucking my brother.”
“Second creepiest, then,” he says with a wry grin.
“I’d expect nothing less from my best friend,” I reply. “I mean, if you still are…”
“Your best friend?” He finishes for me. “Of course. You can’t get rid of me that easily.”
I let out a long sigh. “Good. I don’t care what Kate says, I need you in my life. Especially right now.”
All of my energy seems to drain out of my body as I think about that morning. I wander off and collapse into the porch swing. Carrick stubs his cigarette out on the door frame and walks over to sit down next to me. He nudges my leg gently. “Taylor again?”
I nod. “Yeah. He kissed me.”
“I know; I was there.”
“No, not then,” I reply. I can’t even look up at Carrick as I try to explain it. “This morning… in the control booth.”
Carrick’s body stiffens and he pulls away from me slightly. “Yeah?”
“Yeah. And he… he went down on me.” When the words leave my mouth, they’re replaced with a strange sense of relief. It feels good, somehow, to admit it. The relief it gives me is enough for me to finally raise my head up and glance at Carrick again.
“Just, like, randomly?”
“Well, I didn’t ask him to suck my dick, if that’s what you mean,” I reply.
“What did he say?” Carrick asks, his brow furrowed.
“Not a damn thing. He just… did it. And then walked out. And then you were gone, too.”
Carrick sighs. “I’m sorry, man. I didn’t realize…”
“Then why did you leave?”
“I figured you guys were gonna fight, not…” he trails off, shaking his head a little. “I just didn’t want to be collateral damage. If I’d known he was gonna fuck with your head like that again, I would have stuck around.”
“Yeah?” I ask. There’s something in Carrick’s voice that tells me he’s more bothered by Taylor’s actions than he’s letting on.
“Yeah,” he replies solemnly. “So, explain to me again how this happened?”
I swallow hard and force myself to replay the scene in my mind again. “Well, we went to the control booth, like you saw. He just turned the music up and kissed me. Then he was on his knees and, well, you know. When it was over, he walked out without a single word. That was it. That’s all.”
“Not a word? Or even, like, a look?”
I shake my head. “No. Nothing. Just that weird look he had at the party. I don’t think he was drunk or anything, though.”
“Would he do that? Show up to work strung out?” Carrick asks, leaning in curiously.
“I wouldn’t put it past him,” I reply with a small shrug. “You didn’t really know him that well when he was still hanging out with Alex. I don’t know if he ever came to the studio high, but I couldn’t tell. I had no idea. I didn’t realize how bad it was until it was all over.”
Carrick nods, his eyes clouding over again. I know he’s friends with Alex, so it’s possible I’ve stepped over a line in practically blaming him for Taylor’s past drug habits. But surely Carrick knows what I mean; after all, he first met Taylor at one of those LA parties with Alex. Still, I feel like I should be backpedaling somehow, but I don’t even know where to start.
“I don’t know if it would even make this all better if he was getting high again. You know what I mean? That would just mean he didn’t really…”
“Want you,” Carrick finishes for me.
“Yeah.”
Carrick leans back and eyes me for a second. “You know what I’m going to tell you to do, right?”
“Probably. And I doubt I’m going to do it.”
“As long as I’ve encouraged you to, then I’ve done my job,” Carrick says. “But really, you need to talk to him. Ask him what the hell he’s thinking.”
I groan and bury my head in my hands.
“I know, I know. That’s why I’m not going to force you to do it.”
“But you won’t shut up until I do,” I reply, my voice muffled by my hands.
“Probably not,” he says with a chuckle. “But I never shut up, period.”
I sit back up and laugh, but it’s a pathetic imitation of my usual laugh. Still, it isn’t totally inauthentic. Carrick’s right; he never shuts up. It’s part of what I like about him. Not many people can keep up with my crazy rambling or fill in the silence when I’m quiet. But Carrick can. I was stupid to think that I could go on without him as my best friend.
“So, you want to come in and smoke a bowl? Calm your mind a little.”
I consider it for a second, then wiggle my cell phone out of my pocket and check the time. My heart drops a little when I realize how late it’s getting. “Wish I could. I’ve gotta go get the kids. Kate should be home soon.”
He nods. “That’s cool. Tomorrow, maybe?”
“Yeah, maybe,” I reply, even though I don’t think tomorrow will work either. Kate’s not going to be happy when she realizes I’m not sticking to my promise to avoid him outside of work. I’ve got to stand up to her about it, I know, but it won’t be easy.
Carrick nods. I’m sure he heard the hesitation in my voice and knows what it means. “Well, I’ll see you at the office, anyway.”
“Yeah. Later, man,” I say, standing up and taking a long, deep breath.
Carrick stands up, too, and runs his hand across my back reassuringly. “Later.”
With another deep breath, I walk off the porch and down the steps. I pause at the last step and spin around to face him. “Carrick? Thanks.”
I don’t really know what I’m thanking him for. Maybe it’s for listening to me today. Maybe it’s for listening to me every time I have these stupid breakdowns over Taylor. Maybe, just a little bit, it’s for the hand job. I don’t know.
He nods, though, and says, “Anytime.”
I don’t ask him which of those he’s giving the green light. I think, maybe, it’s all of them.