Let Go
Even though I’d planned to drop the kids back off with Kate the next day, it gave me a built in excuse for being late to the office. It’s all too easy to make an extra trip to one of my dealer friends before heading to the office. It isn’t much of a detour, since I’m already going out of my way to drop off the kids, and anyway, I don’t really mind going a little out of my way for Carrick.
I’m sure there are plenty of things I won’t do for Carrick, but I haven’t really found them yet. It isn’t like he’s asked that much of me, anyway. If he ever truly asks me to choose between him and Taylor, that might be a problem. But anything else, anything simpler than that? I don’t even have to think twice about doing whatever it is for him.
When I finally make it to the office, just a few minutes before lunch time, no one even bats an eyelash at how late I am. That just furthers my theory that we’re slipping away and losing touch with the band and each other, but I don’t know how to stop it. Maybe it’s my fault. I certainly feel like I’m the one who set us on this disastrous course, even though it was all three of us who decided that having Everybody Else record for our label would be a great idea. None of us could have known then that it would be a part of what unraveled our entire lives.
But then again, maybe I’m being melodramatic and they all just expected me to be running late because they know I was watching my kids last night. I don’t know. I’m beginning to suspect that I overanalyze everything and make it worse than it already is.
I decide that since everyone else seems to be ignoring me, the only thing I can do is ignore them right back. It doesn’t make a bit of difference, but it makes me feel better, in a childish sort of way. Of course, there’s one person I can never ignore, no matter how much I want to or how hard I try.
Taylor, of course.
He’s standing idly by his desk when I walk in, like he knows he’s supposed to be there but he can’t really remember why or even think of something to do to look like he’s busy. His eyes are just staring off into the distance, and he doesn’t even see me at first. It’s kind of chilling, really. His eyes are so empty that I’m not sure he would even see me if he looked right at me.
“Hey, Tay,” Ike calls out as he bursts into the room, practically knocking me over. I guess he didn’t see me either. The commotion causes Taylor to look up, but just as I predicted, his eyes remain emotionless. Ike is oblivious to it all. ‘Oh, Zac. You’re here. We’re just about to call in a lunch order, so I can take yours too if you want.”
“Yeah, that’s fine… just whatever, my usual,” I mumble, unable to tear my eyes away from Taylor’s.
Taylor just nods, which Ike seems to understand, although I’m not sure how a nod can pass for a lunch order. Whatever. It gets Ike out of the room, at least. Although with the way Taylor is acting, I think I would rather spend time with my oldest brother. At least he might actually speak to me.
We stand there in silence for a while, but I really can’t stand it much longer without exploding. I’m too impatient for Taylor’s weirdness, so finally I take a few cautious steps closer to him and say, “Tay…”
And that’s as far as I get, because I really have no clue what to say to him right now. He’s so completely baffling, more than he’s ever been before. I’ve seen him at some pretty low points, times when I didn’t think he was exaggerating at all about wanting to drive his car off a cliff or slit his wrists. I never knew how to pull him back then, but I wanted to. I always wanted to save him from himself. Now he’s so far gone, his emotions such a complete mystery to me, that I don’t even know what I want to do for him… if anything.
I’ve never felt so far away from him, yet we’re standing in the same room. It’s terrifying.
“Just… just leave me alone. Leave it alone, Zac,” he finally replies, shaking his head. His eyes are still almost entirely empty, but there’s something there… something I can’t place.
“I don’t know if I can,” I say, sounding like a pitiful, weak little child.
His face hardens then, as if just to prove to me that he could be even more emotionless. His icy cold eyes bore into me as he says, “Well, you need to learn how. You can’t have everything you want, Zac. No one can.”
With that, he’s done. He pushes past me and walks out of the office, like he’s suddenly remembered some important purpose he had far away from me. But I know that’s not true. He’s just trying to get away from me, even if it means he ends up standing pointlessly somewhere else in the office.
As for me, I don’t have any purpose either. Maybe not at all, but definitely not right at this moment. Besides, Taylor has left me too stunned to move, so I end up just standing on the spot in our office. I don’t know how long I stay like that, not moving at all, maybe not even blinking. I’m pretty sure I don’t look as emotionless and blank as Taylor did, though, because I feel seconds away from a complete meltdown. Someone needs to come along soon and peel me up off the floor, because I’m definitely going to become one with it very, very soon.
Before that happens, though, someone does walk in. Not just anyone–Carrick. Of course it would be him.
“Zac? Did you start smoking that stuff without me?” He asks, his laughter dying off the longer he looks at me. “Hey, what’s wrong? What happened?”
His tone of voice has such an urgency now that I hate myself for worrying him so much. I shake my head. “It’s nothing. There’s no emergency or anything. Just Taylor being Taylor.”
“And what did ‘Taylor being Taylor’ do this time?” He asks, not even trying to hide the venom in his voice. His feelings for Taylor, it seems, aren’t quite as mixed as mine, but why would they be?
“He just told me to let go, to leave it alone. And it’s not like it’s the first time he’s told me that nothing is going to happen between us…” I trail off, my voice cracking a little. “So why can’t I do it? Why can’t I just let go?”
“Because he’s your brother.”
At first I want to punch Carrick for pointing out the obvious, but then I realize how right he is. This isn’t like a normal breakup, where if you’re lucky, you’ll never have to see that person again. Or if you do, you can act like old friends, catch up and then be on your way. We have to work together and live together as part of the same family. There’s no escaping him. There are strings tying us together that neither of us can cut, no matter how much we may want to sometimes.
If I thought the way Taylor stared at me was terrifying, it’s nothing compared to the absolute horror that descends on me as I realize that I really will never, ever escape this.
Although I don’t actually cry, my whole body shakes with these awful, silent sobs. Carrick wraps me up in his arms and just holds me there, and even though he’s so tiny and seemingly frail, he feels so strong right now. In fact, I’m pretty sure he’s the only thing keeping me upright. And that’s true not just right now, but in general.
But what have I ever done for him? I can’t think of a single thing. I couldn’t even manage to pick up any weed for him.
At that thought, I pull back and give him a sheepish look. “I, umm, I didn’t get the stuff. He said maybe not until tomorrow or the next day…”
Carrick just shrugs. “S’no big deal. I can wait. We’ve got bigger problems than not being able to smoke for a day or two.”
“Who are you and what have you done with Carrick?” I ask, managing a slight laugh.
He chuckles, but his eyes are still full of concern, and somehow it only makes me feel guilty for not just being better to him. I have to try, and I’m not just talking about the weed. Before I can vocalize those thoughts, Carrick brushes back my hair and says, “Seriously, it’s alright. Just let me know when and I’ll be there. And that’s in general. You get the weed, I’ll be there. You just need me, I’ll be there. But you know that, right?”
“Yeah,” I reply, nodding. “I know that. And if you… need me…”
Carrick nods and smiles. “You got my back, I know.”
The look in his eyes says that he really believes that. He has more faith in me than I do. I guess one of us ought to believe in me, and I’m glad he does. If he can watch me fuck everything in my life up over and over again and still see some good in me, then it must really be there.
“Do you think…” I begin, then bite my lip and frown. “Do you think maybe you can come over and stay with me for a while? I’ll stock up and we’ll just have a big party.”
“Haven’t you been keeping your kids a lot?”
I shrug. “Well, yeah, but… I mean, just for a few days. I just feel like I haven’t seen you in forever. I just want to see you, okay? You haven’t been avoiding me, have you?”
The look on his face makes me really regret asking that question.
“I’m sorry, nevermind, you don’t have to–”
“Hey, no,” he replies. “I haven’t been ignoring you, it’s just been… things have been kind of crazy, haven’t they? But if you want me to come over for a few days, I will.”
“Just a few days,” I echo, even though the truth is I’d like for him to just move in and stay. But I can’t ask him for that.
Can I?
Of course not. It’s not like we’re even… together. I don’t even know for sure if that’s what I want, although I’m beginning to suspect that it is. But if I’m not sure, then maybe it isn’t. Maybe I’m overthinking everything again, because it feels like I’m just going around in circles. For now, I’ll stick with what I know for certain, and that’s this: Taylor wants me to let go. Carrick will be there for me no matter what.
When I put it that way, it’s not hard to figure out which of them I should cling to and which of them I should, well, let go. I’m just not sure that knowing that is going to make it easier to actually do.