Suspicious
A few days pass fairly uneventfully. I can’t complain about being bored, though, because it’s better than most of the alternatives. I would much rather things be going smoothly and boringly than still being a total clusterfuck.
Kate lets the kids stay with me a few more times, mostly because dealing with them and Natalie is a little more than she can handle. If she thinks I’m stressed right now, I don’t think she’s far behind being just as frayed and ready to break. That’s why I can’t say no any time she wants to bring the kids over to spend the night—that and the fact that I miss them, of course. I don’t like that it’s taken a divorce for me to find the paternal part of me, but I’m glad that I finally have.
When she texts me that she’s on the way, I preheat the oven and toss a couple frozen pizzas in. Not the best dinner ever, but I did at least buy some fancy organic brand. She can’t complain too much about that. Whether the kids eat something healthy at every meal is probably not all that high on Kate’s priority list right now anyway.
In fact, the second I let her in the apartment, she takes a deep breath and gives me a hopeful smile. “Do you think there’s enough pizza to go around? Someone ‘doesn’t have an appetite,’ so I just feel like a jerk every time I try to cook.”
“Well, I was going to eat the whole second one myself, but…” I reply, patting my stomach. “I think we both know I don’t need it.”
Kate rolls her eyes and gives me a shove. “I told you, you’re losing weight. But if you don’t mind…”
“Not at all,” I reply, then turn to the kids, who are already dumping out their backpacks into the floor. “You can play later, guys. Dinner’s almost ready; go wash your hands.”
While the kids get ready to eat, Kate helps me take the pizzas out and plate them. I grab a beer for myself from the refrigerator, then hold out another to her and raise an eyebrow. To my surprise, she nods eagerly and snatches it from my hand.
“You just get the one,” I tease. “Don’t want you driving back home drunk.”
She just rolls her eyes and ignores me as she hands the kids their plates. Once they’re settled into the couch, she plops down at the bar and takes a long swig of her beer. I have to blink a few times just to convince myself this is really the woman I married… and the one I’m close to divorcing.
“Your pizza’s going to get cold,” she remarks, smiling a little.
I just shake my head and take a bite of the pizza. We eat in silence for a few minutes before I can find the nerve to ask, “So is you-know-who still driving you crazy?”
Kate nods. “I don’t know how much longer I can take it, Zac. She can’t just stay with me forever, can she?”
“It looks like she’s going to try,” I reply. “Do you think… I mean, is she going to leave Taylor?”
“Nope,” she replies, shaking her head. “It’s like she wants her cake and to eat it too. She doesn’t want to be with him, she practically hates him, but she won’t divorce him, either. I just… I don’t understand why. What is she trying to gain?”
It makes no sense, but it’s some sort of power play. It has to be. She just wants Taylor to know that she still has him by the balls and she’s not going anywhere. I’m sure that message extends to me, too. She wants us both to never forget that she could ruin our lives. Why she has to drag Kate into it, though… I just don’t know and I don’t like it.
“Zac?” Kate asks, snapping me out of my trance. “Your phone is buzzing…”
“Oh,” I reply, glancing around the counter for a moment before I find my phone. Sure enough, it is buzzing to let me know about a new text. The name on the screen surprises me. Carrick. I stare at it in disbelief for a moment before opening and reading the text.
Haven’t seen you for a few days, just wanted to make sure you were alright. Think you can get me the hook up on some fresh bud? And maybe we can talk… 🙂
Although the rest of the message is fairly innocent, that smiley face at the end gives me hope. I’m not sure why. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but I can’t help being happy that Carrick wants to get together with me under any pretenses at all, even just friendly ones.
“What are you smiling about?” Kate asks.
I hadn’t even realized I was, but now that I know it, I can’t get the smile to go away. “Nothing…”
“Uh huh,” she replies. “Must have been some text…”
“Oh, it was just Carrick,” I manage to cough out, hating how suspicious I sound. But surely Kate would never suspect…
“What did he want?” She asks, her voice as neutral as if she were asking me to pass her a napkin.
“Umm, just… just to hang out,” I reply.
Kate leans in and lowers her voice. “You know you can tell me if you guys are going to get stoned. I don’t think I have any room to judge you for it anymore without being a total hypocrite.”
I stare at her for a moment, not entirely believing that she means what she says. But I don’t see a lie in her face. I don’t understand how this shift in our relationship has happened at all, but now it seems I actually have her permission to smoke—not that I need it now that we’re not together, I suppose.
Finally, I nod. “Yeah, he… he wanted to know if I could get him some, and I guess we’ll hang out and smoke it.”
“See, was that so hard?” She teases. “You don’t have to hide it from me now.”
“It feels like I should, though. I know, that’s bad. But you never liked it, and I know you never liked Carrick…”
Kate frowns slightly. “It’s not… it wasn’t anything against him personally, I guess. Just the fact that you had a friend you could share things with that you had to hide from me. We shouldn’t have had secrets, you know? And I’m not… mad at you for that. I just wished we’d had more in common, I guess.”
My mouth goes dry as she speaks, and all I can do in response is nod. If Kate had any clue about the secrets I’m keeping from her… smoking a little weed with Carrick really won’t seem like a big deal.
“I’m sorry, I’m not trying to upset you,” she adds. “I just think I’m seeing things more clearly now, you know? Whether or not you smoke pot just seems like such a non-issue now. I hate that I let it bother me so much.”
Once again, I just nod.
“You should probably text him back,” Kate says.
“Oh,” I reply. “Yeah, I guess… umm, I guess I will.”
There’s so much I want to say to Carrick, and so much that I don’t dare say while Kate is sitting just a few feet away. Even if she isn’t trying to read what I type, it still feels wrong to say a lot of the things I’m thinking with her so near. I don’t even know if Carrick would want to hear those things anyway, so I just type the most neutral response I can come up with.
Yeah I can hook you up. Maybe tomorrow night? I’ll txt and let you know
Kate eyes me after I finish typing and set my phone down, but she doesn’t ask what I said to him. I know she’s dying to, though. I can just see it on her face that she’s curious. It occurs to me that she might be jealous. Does she want to smoke with me again? I’m fine with that, but not if Carrick is here, not when he and I have so many things to talk about that I really, really don’t want Kate to know.
A few seconds later, my phone buzzes again and I hate the way I jump to answer it like pathetic puppy dog clamoring for a treat.
Tomorrow’s good, just lemme know. I do want to see you btw, not just your drugs 😉
He’s definitely flirting. There’s no other way to interpret that, and as soon as I realize it, I also realize that I’m blushing. If Kate wasn’t suspicious already, she has to be now. There’s no possible way I can play this cool. How did I ever hope to keep any of my secrets?
“So,” she says, clearing her throat. “You guys making plans to get stoned?”
I have to laugh at how silly that sounds coming out of Kate’s mouth. “Yeah, yeah that’s… that’s exactly what we were doing. And it is so weird to just tell you that.”
“I want you to be honest with me, though,” she replies. “And I’ll be honest with you. Not that I have anything to be honest about right now. But I mean… this is what we should have been doing all along. Talking about things. Maybe it’s too late to start, but…”
“But you’re right. We should be. And we should have been all along.” I’m just parroting her words. Even though she is right, I know I can’t be completely honest with her. Maybe I can be a little bit more honest, but I know where to draw the line.
Kate glances over at the kids, who have been entirely oblivious to our conversation, then back at me. “He’s not coming over tonight, is he?”
“No,” I reply, shaking my head. “You know I wouldn’t do that with the kids around. He’s coming over tomorrow.”
“I know, I’m sorry,” she says. With a sigh, she downs the rest of her beer. “I should probably go, though. I appreciate you letting me hang around as long as I have.”
“I’m not gonna kick you out, Katie.”
She frowns. “I know, that’s not what I meant. Just… ugh, I just dread going back and dealing with Nat. You know I’m stalling.”
“Stall all you want,” I reply. “I don’t blame you at all.”
She lets out a surprised laugh at that, then covers her mouth like she’s embarrassed. Even though she doesn’t really know the half of how awful her best friend really is, it feels weird to be talking about her. I feel a little twinge of guilt at the secrets I’m keeping; if Kate really knew just how bad Nat was, she would never—but no. In order for her to know that, she would also have to know the truth about me and Taylor. There’s no way to expose Nat without exposing myself, and I think that’s exactly what she’s counting on.
Every time I think about our situation, I realize just a little more about how devious my brother’s wife truly is.
“You look like you need to get some rest,” Kate says, reaching across the counter to touch my arm. “Get some sleep. And make sure the kids get in bed soon.”
“I will,” I reply, nodding absently. My mind is still elsewhere, consumed by thoughts of the monster Kate’s going home to.
“Hey,” Kate says, drawing my attention back to her. “You’ll be alright. Everything is going to be alright.”
I wish I could return her hopeful smile, but I can’t. For every small reason I can find to be happy, there are ten reasons not to be. If only Kate had any clue…
But she can’t. She might have more of a suspicion that something is wrong than I would like for her to have, but she can’t know the truth. Somehow, I have to make sure that she never does. I just don’t know how.