Just Friends
Even though she ends up falling asleep on my couch for a while, Kate doesn’t spend the entire night. I don’t have an extra bedroom to speak of—the guest room is such a mess that the kids just slept in my room—and I can’t let her sleep on the couch all night, so eventually I do have to wake her up and send her home. I can tell she’s anxious to go, anyway, even if she doesn’t really want to deal with Natalie. The longer she stays away, the more she’s just prolonging the inevitable.
The whole evening spent with Kate feels unreal. When I wake up the next morning, the nearly empty baggie of weed and the scattered dirty plates are proof that it wasn’t a dream, though. It was real. Like everything else in my life, it makes no sense at all. But at least this was one good thing in a sea of horrible things.
It isn’t enough to totally cheer me up, but it’s something.
I take my time cleaning the apartment up before I head to the studio. I’m not a tidy person by any means; it’s just a delaying tactic because I really don’t want to see Taylor or anyone else today. I don’t have anything to say to Taylor, and apparently, I no longer have Carrick to reply on, either. If it weren’t for the knowledge that I have to go, because this is my livelihood we’re talking about, I would probably just stay in my apartment all day. Or all week. Or all month.
But I can’t do that. I have to go to work.
I waste enough time that once I finally make it to the studio, everyone else is already there working on something. The office is pretty busy, which is actually a good thing. Despite my desire to be a hermit, being surrounded by lots of people is a good thing. It makes the chances of ever being alone with someone—Taylor or Carrick, for example—pretty low. Getting lost in a crowd is a good thing sometimes.
Our office is never really crowded, though, and I’ve barely even made it back to the studio before I hear Carrick calling out my name. Would it be horrible of me to just ignore him?
I can’t ignore him, though. Almost in spite of myself, I spin around to face him.
“Yeah?”
“Can we talk?” He asks. “I feel like… I don’t know, maybe I didn’t make myself clear the other day.”
I cross my arms over my chest. “I think you were very clear, actually.”
“No, but… I didn’t really say what I meant. Or I did, but I’ve been thinking about it and there’s more I need to say.”
“I don’t know if I want to hear it,” I reply.
Carrick doesn’t say anything. He just gives me this look. Even from the other end of the hallway, I can see the sadness in his eyes and I’m powerless to refuse it.
I sigh. “Alright, let’s talk.”
“I’m going out for a smoke, if you wanna join me.”
I don’t, because I don’t smoke cigarettes and he knows that, but if it’s the only place we can be alone then I don’t really have a choice but to follow behind him as he makes his way to the back of the studio and into the alley behind it.
At first, neither one of us speaks. I just watch silently as he pulls out a cigarette and lights it up. He takes a few long drags on it and some of the tension seems to fade from his shoulders and his face.
“So,” I say after he exhales a big cloud of smoke. “You wanted to talk?”
“I did,” he replies. “What I said the other day… it’s not that I didn’t mean it, but it wasn’t fair.”
“What do you mean?”
Carrick takes another drag, then sighs. “I mean, I knew from the beginning that you weren’t mine for the taking. You’re still married. You still wear your ring, you know. Even if nothing had ever happened with you and Taylor… I was never going to come first in your life, and I knew it. And I thought I was okay with it. At least I used to know it, but I guess somewhere along the way I forgot, or I convinced myself it wasn’t true.”
“I’m not sure how that makes a difference in what you said the other day,” I reply.
“I guess it doesn’t,” he says with a shrug. “But none of that… none of how I feel is your fault. I’m not blaming you for not throwing away everyone else in your life to be with me. Because I know you can’t. I know you won’t. And I’d never ask you to.”
“So what does any of that actually mean?” I ask.
“Nothing, I suppose. It doesn’t change what I said, really. I mean… we’re still not going to be together, are we? And I’m trying to be okay with that.”
I take a step closer to him. “But why aren’t we? I know you think you won’t come first, but… I still chose to be with you, didn’t I? Doesn’t that count for anything?”
“Not hardly enough,” he replies, his voice barely above a whisper.
“Then what can I do? What will be enough?”
Carrick just gives a sad shake of his head. “I don’t know. Maybe nothing. I’m not going to ask you to put me before Taylor or even Kate. I don’t think you can. And that’s fine.”
“Kate and I are getting divorced. You know that.”
“And Taylor? Can you really tell me you’re going to end things with him?”
“No,” I reply. “I thought you weren’t going to ask me to.”
“I didn’t. But in case you’ve forgotten, someone else is. Someone who has a hell of a lot less respect for your privacy and happiness than I do.”
I can’t help rolling my eyes. “Yeah, well, Nat’s gonna do whatever she wants to do. I’m not sure it even matters what Taylor and I do.”
“So you’re just going to ignore her threats?” He asks, one eyebrow raised.
“I don’t know,” I reply. “Maybe. I’m not sure Tay has decided yet. Neither choice really seems that great… it’s just a lose/lose situation, no matter what we do.”
Carrick nods. “But no matter what you do, he’s always going to come first in your mind and in your heart. You know it, and I know it.”
“He always has,” I admit. “Before Kate… before anyone. But it didn’t matter until now. I never thought anything would really happen. And if nothing had happened with him… I don’t know. I don’t know what that would have meant for you and me.”
“It doesn’t matter. I can’t compete with even the idea of him.”
“So what do you want from me?” I ask.
Carrick sighs. “Just… nothing, I guess. Just to be friends, but to understand why this is all hard for me.”
“It’s not exactly easy for me,” I huff.
“I know, I know,” he replies. “But we can be friends, right? We can do that. We did that for a long time, before I was stupid enough to want more.”
“It wasn’t stupid. I just got in over my head… wanting more than I can handle. Being selfish.”
Carrick reaches for my arm. “Don’t blame yourself, either. That’s not what I wanted you to do.”
“It’s probably what I’m gonna do,” I admit. With a sheepish look, I ask, “Can I have a cigarette?”
“You don’t smoke.”
I shrug. “Maybe I’m going to start.”
“Maybe,” he replies, then hands me a cigarette.
It’s not the first time I’ve smoked, but I definitely prefer weed. Cigarettes just make me jittery and the lingering smell is a lot worse than even the cheapest weed I’ve ever smoked. But it feels like just one tiny way I can stay connected to Carrick when he’s slipping away from me. At least we can share this moment together, even if we do nothing more than smoke our cigarettes in silence.
But the silence can’t last long. I’ve only taken a few drags when the back door opens and Taylor walks out.
“Oh,” he says, glancing back and forth between the two of us. “There you guys are.”
With little more than a second glance our way, he leans up against the side of the building and lights his own cigarette. I look at Carrick and he just offers me a shrug. Taylor has apparently decided to ignore the two of us entirely, and I’m not sure what to make of that.
It’s not an uncomfortable silence between the three of us, though. We all just stand there, smoking our cigarettes, lost in our own thoughts. It’s not so bad. It’s definitely the most comfortable I’ve been around both of them together in weeks.
So it isn’t ideal. It never will be. But why can’t it just be easy?
I know life never is, but it feels like there ought to be an easier solution to this whole clusterfuck of a situation. It’s selfish to even consider, but why can’t I have both of them? Even if Natalie hadn’t discovered us, I’m not convinced Taylor ever could or would have given me all that I need. But Carrick could. Even if he wasn’t in first place, is second really that bad? I think we could make it work.
But none of that is reasonable. I have to choose. Worse yet, the choice has been made for me. I can’t have Taylor or Carrick.
Taylor sucks down his cigarette quickly, while at some point Carrick must have lit up a second. With barely more than a little glance back at us, Taylor walks back into the building. It’s like he wasn’t even there at all, and I’m left just staring at the spot he vacated. I’m sure this is a reflection of his entire existence in my life, but I don’t feel like getting into metaphors right now.
“Zac?” Carrick says softly. “We should probably get back to work.”
I nod weakly. “Yeah… okay.”
He reaches for my hand, then quickly drops it. I can still feel the warmth of him on my flesh, though. There’s so much more of an impression of him left behind than Taylor.
“You’ll be alright,” he says. “We’ll figure this all out, whether we’re together or not. I’m not abandoning you, Zac. I’m not.”
It’s hard to believe him, when he is putting this distance between us, but the look in his eyes is sincere. We may not be together, but I haven’t lost him entirely… yet.