Hit
It doesn’t surprise me at all to watch Taylor pull farther and farther away from me during the next few days. I don’t understand it, when he had seemed so determined to fight this, but I expect it nonetheless.
With Taylor gone, what do I have? Not a hell of a lot.
I don’t hear from Kate for a few days, either, so aside from going to the studio to work, I’m effectively cut off from the entire world… again. Even when I’m surrounded by people at the office, they all seem miles away. None of them really know what’s going on in my world. The few that do are pulling away from me the fastest.
It’s really hard not to just wallow in self pity right now. If I gave in to that, I don’t think I would ever leave my bed again. Unfortunately, I have too many obligations to the band and the business for hibernation to really be an option.
That doesn’t mean I don’t consider it anyway.
When we finally do take a few days off, I decide to spend them in a haze of smoke. It’s been too long since I’ve had a break from everything, a chance to just lose myself entirely. It only takes a few phone calls and one drive to a slightly sketchy part of town to replenish my stash, and then I’m ready to relax for the weekend.
Which is why, before I’ve even managed to light up the first bowl, someone just has to press my apartment’s buzzer.
I have absolutely no clue who it could be. No one just drops by to visit me. Even the few people who have come by the apartment have always called or texted first. I rush to answer the buzzer, my mind rolling over all sorts of horrible possibilities for why someone could be looking for me.
“Hello?”
“Hey, it’s me… Kate.”
Of all the possibilities, that was probably the last one on my list. “Umm… hey. Do you need me to watch the kids?”
“No, no… it’s just me,” she replies. “Can I come up?”
There’s no way this can be good, but I can’t tell her no. I buzz her on up, and pace the apartment nervously while I wait for her. Did something happen to one of the kids? Did Nat tell her? I have no idea what could be happening, but I can’t think of a single good possibility.
Shortly, there’s a quick, insistent knock on the door. I fling it open and the sight in front of me is truly surprising. Kate is a mess. Her hair is in a bun, she’s wearing what I’m pretty sure is one of my old t-shirts and she just looks exhausted.
“She’s killing me,” she says. “I dropped the kids off at your parents. I told her I would be back soon. I lied.”
“What… what are you talking about?”
“Natalie,” she replies. “She’s insane, Zac. I know she’s my best friend, but she is driving me crazy. I don’t think she’s ever going to leave.”
Kate lets herself into my apartment, practically pushing her way past me, and all I can do is follow her. She flops down on the couch, and I just stand there awkwardly, hoping she doesn’t notice the pipe and baggie of weed on the coffee table.
“She’s just… suffocating me. She’s so angry all the time, so bitter, so… so… ugh, I don’t know.”
I think I have some idea how bad she is, but I don’t need to tell Kate that. Right now, I’m pretty sure she just needs to vent without my input.
“I understood when she needed time away from him before. But this… it’s like this is just to punish him—for what, I don’t know—but she won’t leave him. She doesn’t want to fix anything, but she’s not happy, obviously, and I just…”
She trails off, and I realize that her eyes have fallen on the coffee table.
“Is that pot?”
“Y-yeah…” I reply, glancing down at the floor like a kid who just got caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
“Can you… will you show me how to smoke it?”
What?
When I don’t reply, because I’m too much in shock to form words, Kate, sighs. “It’s good for stress, right?”
All I can do is nod.
“Well, Nat’s squatting at the house right now with no plan to leave. Tell me I’m not stressed.”
She’s got me there. Still feeling like I’ve stepped it a strange parallel universe, I take a seat on the couch next to Kate and finish packing the bowl. She watches intently as I light it up and take the first hit, all the while doing my best to explain to her how to do it. She’s a quick learner, and only barely coughs after her first hit.
This is easily the strangest thing I’ve ever done—far stranger, even, than having sex with my own brother. Kate, my straight-laced, good Christian girl wife, is getting stoned with me.
I try to take it easy on her, since it’s her first time, but soon enough we’ve smoked the whole bowl. It’s just enough to take the edge off for me, but it’s left Kate curled up in a little ball, staring at the wall.
“Are you alright?” I ask.
She nods slowly. “Yeah, I’m just… thinking. This isn’t so bad. I guess… I guess I can see why you like it.”
“It’s not so bad,” I reply with a shrug. “I thought you were morally opposed to using drugs.”
Kate sighs. “I thought I was, too. I’m just… I don’t know, I guess everything is changing lately. You, me… whatever’s going on with Nat and Tay…”
“She hasn’t told you what they’re fighting about?”
“No,” Kate replies, shaking her head. “Just… just that she doesn’t trust him, he doesn’t respect her, and so on and so far. Never anything specific, but she’s just so angry all the time.”
Angry. I can’t really imagine Nat losing her cool. I’ve seen it, but it’s been years. Once she had Taylor for good, she became this old cold shell of a person—all smiles on the outside, but nothing at all underneath. It’s hard to imagine so much anger coming from her now that it could drive Kate away from her entirely.
“You know… she said you were the same.”
I blink. “The same what?”
“The same as Taylor,” she replies. “Nat said that… that I didn’t really know you at all.”
“She… she said that?” I squeak.
Kate nods. “But I mean, she’s just angry, right? She knows you’re going to take Taylor’s side, so she’s just venting her anger at you, too. You’re not… you’re not a bad guy, Zac.”
If only she knew.
“You and me, we just aren’t compatible. That’s all. Isn’t it?”
Even though I know the lie is going to come back to bite me in the ass, I reply, “Yeah. That’s all.”
“Do you think…” Kate begins, then trails off, looking sheepish.
“What is it?” I ask, even though I’m almost afraid to know.
“Just… can I stay here for a while? Your parents have got the kids for the night, and… I just can’t go back and face Nat yet. Is that awful?”
“A little bit,” I admit. “But it’s okay. I wouldn’t want to go back and face her either.”
Kate chuckles a little at that, and soon we’re both laughing. It feels good, but strange, to be laughing and relatively happy with her. I can’t remember the last time we had a normal conversation that didn’t feel strained and forced. I like this. I can’t help thinking that it never would have happened if we weren’t separated, though. We’re better apart than we ever were together.
It’s a strange realization, maybe, but a good one. At least one thing about my life feels like it’s going the way it should.
Once our giggles settle down, Kate persuades me to pack another bowl for us. It doesn’t take much persuading, really. A few minutes later, we’re passing my pipe back and forth, and Kate’s taking hits off it like an old pro. It’s strange to see, but it kind of suits her. She’s so poised and proper, holding the glass pipe in her hand like it’s some priceless artifact, blowing out gentle puffs of smoke.
“Why haven’t we done this before?” She asks as she passes the pipe back to me with her perfectly manicured hand.
I shrug. “Because you didn’t even want me doing it?”
“Oh, right,” she replies with a giggle, as though she had actually forgotten. “Well, I think there are probably worse things you could do.”
There are. And I’ve done a few of them.
Kate seems to get lost in thought for a moment, staring off into the distance again. Finally, she glances back at me. “We’re going to be alright, aren’t we?”
“I… I don’t know,” I answer honestly. “I hope so.”
“I guess that’s good enough,” Kate replies with a weak smile. “Do you mind if I stay a little longer? Not… not all night, just a little while.”
“Not at all,” I reply, shaking my head.
The fact that I honestly don’t mind surprises even me. It’s sad to say, but I can’t remember the last time I really wanted to spend time with Kate. Then again, maybe it’s just the weed talking.
Whatever it is, I’m enjoying it. Together, we cook a few burgers and some fries, a far greasier, unhealthy dinner than I can remember seeing Kate eat since the last time she was pregnant. She even indulges in a Mountain Dew, despite the fact that she gave up soda years ago. With plates piled high with grease and empty calories, we settle in on the couch to watch a movie.
It almost feels like a date.
I know better than that, though. I’m just helping her buy some time and relax before she has to go back and face Nat again. It’s friendly, surprisingly, but not romantic. We don’t even sit that close on the couch, and we certainly don’t cuddle. We really are just like old friends. I’m glad we can be that, if nothing else.
“What are you thinking?” She asks, giving me a little nudge.
I shrug. “Just… about everything that’s changed, I guess.”
Kate nods. “It’s been a crazy summer. How can everything just… change so fast?”
“I don’t know,” I reply.
That’s a lie. I can pinpoint exactly when and how things changed. Everything changed when Carrick came to Tulsa. His arrival set into motion this strange turn of events… from kissing Taylor, to fooling around with both of them, to… everything that Nat has done.
I’m not blaming Carrick, though. I know my marriage was on thin ice before that, and I know I’d wanted Taylor for even longer. But would I have ever acted on those feelings? Would Taylor? I can’t imagine any of the rest of this happening if Carrick hadn’t moved here. Maybe it still would have happened, but differently. I don’t know.
“Hey,” Kate says, jarring me from my thoughts. “We’ll figure all of this out, okay? I promise.”
I can’t really imagine how, but knowing that she and I have found some peace gives me just a tiny little bit of hope.