Bitch
Amazingly, we all survive the day and night. Kate calls just before the kids’ bedtime and assures me that I don’t have to keep them another day. I wouldn’t have minded, but she didn’t really pack enough clothes for more than an overnight visit. We don’t make any specific plans beyond me dropping them off before I go into the studio the next day, but I think there’s a good chance that we can plan for them to stay with me more often. I’d like that.
At least, somehow, one thing in my life seems to be going right at the moment. It’s about the only thing that is.
Getting Shepherd and Junia woken up, bathed, fed and dressed isn’t as easy I would have hoped, but somehow I manage it. After an apologetic phone call to Kate to let her know I’m running late, I stuff a bagel in my mouth and head for the door with the kids in tow. Thankfully, it’s a pretty short— and fairly traffic free so late in the morning—drive back to the house I used to call home.
Once we arrive, I’m surprised by how reluctant the kids are to leave me. It’s sad that it surprises me just how much they want to spend time with me. Of course I’d like to keep them longer, too, and I promise them that next time, I will. I just wish I could tell them when that next time would be.
That’s enough reassurance for them, though, and I’m finally able to get them up the walk to the door. I still have my key, so I don’t even think twice about letting myself in. It’s only after I’ve opened the door that I realize how strange the whole situation is. The house is quiet, as usual. I suppose Nat didn’t bring the kids with her on this little visit. But even though it’s quiet, it still feels wrong. I have a feeling the unwanted guest has more to do with that than just the whole fact that it isn’t my home anymore.
The kids don’t notice the strangeness, of course. As soon as the door is open, they go flying into the house, calling out to Kate. I just sort of stand awkwardly in the doorway, not sure what I should say or do, and really, really hoping I don’t have to deal with Natalie.
As soon as that thought crosses my mind, she walks out of the kitchen, a scowl on her face.
“What’s all this commotion—oh. It’s you.” If looks could kill, I would be dead on the doormat right now.
“Just bringing my kids back,” I reply as casually and politely as I can manage, which isn’t very.
“So nice of you to play daddy for a night,” she says.
Before I can get out any sort of reply about how she’s run off yet again and left Taylor with their kids, she turns and walks back into the kitchen. It’s probably for the best. Whatever I would have said would have been cruel. Maybe she deserves that. She probably does. But I just don’t see it really helping the situation in any way.
Kate comes out a moment later, her face a picture of confusion. “Are you okay? Did the kids give you any trouble?”
“No,” I reply. “We had a good time. Went to the park, ate junk food, played video games…”
“Okay…” She replies, and I can tell she’s looking for some reason for Nat’s sour mood. As if Nat needs a reason to be a total bitch.
I sigh. “Look, I’m just gonna go, alright? I’ve gotta get to the studio.”
“Yeah, okay,” Kate replies, nodding. “I would offer you breakfast or lunch or something… but, well, Nat’s not in a really good mood.”
“I noticed.”
Kate frowns. “Did she say something to you? Because she really doesn’t need to drag you into this, even if he is your brother.”
If only she knew. But it’s a good thing that she doesn’t have any clue just how much I’m already entangled in this entire awful thing.
I shake my head and give Kate my best attempt at a smile. “No, she didn’t say anything. But I really need to get going.”
“Let me know if she does,” Kate replies. “I’ll tell her to leave you alone.”
That almost makes me laugh, because I know it won’t work. But I appreciate the thought. It’s so much more than I deserve, especially from Kate, after everything I’ve put her through. I tell her I appreciate the effort, bid her goodbye and then call out another quick goodbye to the kids. I know I should probably stick around and give them a proper goodbye, but I can’t bear the thought of facing Natalie again.
If I never have to see her again, it will be too soon.
I make it all the way to the door, my hand gripping the doorknob, when I hear Natalie’s voice. I should have just known that she wouldn’t let me leave so easily. She has to do everything she can to make my life hell.
“Zachary,” she says, and I know I don’t have a choice but to turn around and face her.
“Yes, Natalie?”
She takes a few steps closer to me and lowers her voice to little more than an intimidating whisper. “You can tell your brother that this isn’t over yet. The two of you can’t get away with this. It’s sick, Zac. You know it is.”
“So is trapping someone in a marriage they don’t want.”
My words hardly even seem to make an impression on her. She doesn’t deny it, though. How can she? She just gives a little shake of her head and a smirk. “Don’t get smart with me, Zac. I could ruin your life, and you know it.”
What can I say to that? She’s right. She could ruin everything, but like Taylor, I’m starting to want to fight back. How can we let some crazy person control our lives? It isn’t right. It isn’t fair. But what can we do?
“That’s what I thought,” she says when she sees that I’m speechless. “Just pass along that little warning to Taylor, hmm?”
With a weak nod, I turn and walk away. I don’t care if she has more to say to me. I’m done listening.
I drive to the studio in a daze, wondering what I should say to Taylor. I don’t know what kind of mood I’m going to find him in, if he shows up at all. I don’t know if he can take hearing what Natalie said to me. But he needs to know, doesn’t he? He needs to know what we’re up against. Somehow, that doesn’t make me feel any better about the possibility of talking to him.
And that’s all just assuming he even wants to talk to me. He still hasn’t answered my texts or calls, and that doesn’t make me feel any better about this entire situation.
It’s all just such a mess, and I don’t know how to fix it.
The office is already buzzing with activity when I arrive, but there’s only one person I really want to see. After a little searching, I find him bent over his keyboard, plucking out a melody like there’s nothing at all wrong in his life. Just when I think I understand Taylor, he does something that makes no sense at all. He almost seems happy right now, and I don’t understand it at all.
“Tay,” I say, just barely loud enough to be heard over the keyboard.
He jumps a little, then turns to face me. “Hmm? What’s up?”
“That’s what I was going to ask you,” I reply. “I mean, what the hell happened? You know Nat’s at my—I mean, she’s with Kate. She’s staying there or something.”
He shrugs. “We had a fight.”
“And you couldn’t bother to answer my text and tell me that?” I ask, my voice raising an octave. I didn’t want to be angry with him, but he seems so nonchalant, as though none of this is bothering him at all.
“Oh,” he says, blinking rapidly like he’s trying to think. “Oh, I, umm… I smashed my phone. Well, Nat did. Well… it just sort of went flying while we were arguing. I haven’t had a chance to get a new one yet.”
That almost seems believable. Almost. I’m still certain there’s so much that he’s not telling me.
“But what happened?” I ask.
“I told you,” he replies, crossing his arms. “We had a fight.”
I roll my eyes. “That’s very specific, Taylor. I know it concerned me, so why don’t you tell me what happened?”
“What do you want from me?” He asks. “You know she’s insane. We just… fought. Just about this whole situation. She doesn’t trust me, I think she’s fucking nuts and we can’t seem to agree on whether or not she’s going to ruin our lives. I take issue with that particular plan of hers, as you might imagine.”
He’s so strangely calm right now, and I really don’t like it. Just beneath that, though, I can tell he’s annoyed with me and I don’t understand why. What have I done wrong?
Taylor sighs. “Look, it didn’t accomplish anything, so… let’s just drop it.”
“It got her out of your house, at least,” I reply. It’s a pathetic attempt to make Taylor smile, and I’m not surprised to see it fail.
Taylor doesn’t even crack a smile. He just shakes his head. “You know she’s right, though. I mean… this is wrong, Zac. You know that. It doesn’t matter how it feels to us. You know the rest of the world won’t care.”
“And that’s why we have to keep them from finding out,” I counter, but I can already feel my own resolve faltering. If Taylor doesn’t want to keep fighting, then why should I?
“But how?” He asks. Without even giving me a chance to reply, he continues, “You know I just made it worse. The last thing I need to do is piss her off even more.”
“So you should just let her walk all over you?” I ask.
He shrugs. “What other option do we have? I’m trying to fight her, but it’s just… it’s just no use.”
“Fine. Just give up on me then. Give up on us.”
I’m practically fuming now, and I know it isn’t going to accomplish anything, but I can’t stop myself. Taylor’s just throwing everything back at me and giving up. It pisses me off. I can’t stick around and listen to this.
So I don’t.
I storm out of the room before he can say anything else. Given half a chance, he would probably start defending that bitch again, and I just don’t understand it. It doesn’t matter what would happen if she spilled the beans on us. It’s not about that anymore. It’s about the way she’s manipulating both of us, and the fact that Taylor seems almost willing to let it happen.
Why did he even bother picking a fight with her if he’s just going to roll back over and let Natalie have her way yet again?
I just can’t see the point of any of this anymore. I’ve lost my best friend. I’m losing my wife. Taylor seems to be drifting away from me, too. What am I fighting for? What can I fight for?
I thought I had hit rock bottom when Kate asked me to move out, but I was wrong. I was so, so wrong. Everything I had is slipping from my fingers now, and it doesn’t matter how hard I try to hold onto any of it, not if it doesn’t want to be held.