Babysitting
I wake up the next morning with an awful sense of dread. I don’t know what it is, but I just have a feeling that somehow, things are going to get worse. How that’s even possible, I don’t really know. All I know is that the second I wake up, I’m filled with such horrible apprehension that I can barely even convince myself to leave the bed. Maybe if I never leave my bed, whatever I’m afraid of won’t happen.
But that’s silly. I know it is.
Still, I fight this internal battle for several minutes before I can convince myself to pull my head from the pillow. Nothing in my apartment seems different. I can’t see anything to indicate that anything has gone wrong… yet. But I can still feel that strange nervous tingle up my spine, warning me that something is about to happen.
I make it almost all the way to lunch without my world falling apart, though. In fact, things are so quiet, with my phone not even chiming to alert me of a text, that it only serves to make me more nervous. It’s almost a relief when my phone finally does ring… until I look at the screen and see that it’s Kate calling.
“Hello?”
“Zac,” she says, sounding breathless. “I really, really hate to just spring this on you… but would it be alright if I brought the kids over? Could you just watch them for a little while?”
“Umm… sure,” I reply.
Kate heaves a sigh of relief that’s audible even over the phone line. “Thank you so much. I know you haven’t seen them that much lately, anyway, and I… well, I guess we should do better about that. But I really appreciate this.”
“It’s no problem,” I say, trying to digest all that she’s just said. I have a feeling there’s a lot that she’s leaving unsaid, and perhaps I can get that out of her once she gets here.
“Okay, well, just give me a few minutes to pack a little bag for them, just some of their toys, extra clothes and things, and I’ll be right over.”
She doesn’t even give me a chance to reply to that before she hangs up, and that’s how I know Kate has to be stressed out. She’s nothing if not polite. That something bad that I woke up anticipating? I’m not sure what it is, but I think it just happened.
True to her word, Kate arrives at the apartment just a few minutes later. I can only imagine how fast she must have driven, especially knowing that she had two kids to drag along with her. Something is definitely up. I buzz her in quickly and wait impatiently by the door so that I can ask her just exactly what the hell is going on.
Shepherd and Junia fly into the apartment as soon as I open the door, clinging to my legs like they haven’t seen me for weeks, rather than days. I wonder how Kate has explained my absence to them. Then again, it’s not like I haven’t been vanishing for long periods of time for their entire lives. So far, this probably hasn’t seemed like that much of a change to them. Somehow, that still doesn’t make me feel any better.
As if I needed something else to feel guilty about.
Kate gives me an apologetic look as she hands me their tiny backpacks. I wonder if she’s guessed what I’m thinking, or if she just feels bad for pawning them off on me right now.
“I went ahead and packed overnight bags for them,” she says. “I know I said just for a little while, but… well, I really don’t know how long Nat is going to hang around.”
“Nat?” I ask, feeling like I’ve missed something big.
Kate blinks, and I can almost see the wheels in her mind turning, trying to backtrack and figure out what it is that she’s left out. “Oh, right… yeah, she just came over in one of her moods. I haven’t gotten much out of her, but I guess it has something to do with that fight she and Taylor had last night. I got the distinct impression that she doesn’t want to be anywhere near him, so… I figured it was just best to get the kids out of the house, have a girls night in and try to calm her down, you know?”
I nod knowingly, because, well, I do know more about this entire situation than Kate does. And if it’s possible, I’d like to keep it that way.
“So anyway, I only packed enough for one night, maybe two,” she says, reaching out to touch my arm. “I really, really appreciate it.”
The kids have run off to start a video game, but I still lower my voice when I reply, “It’s nothing. I am their dad, after all. It’s not like I’m just… some babysitter.”
“I know,” Kate replies. “I didn’t mean that. It’s just… well, you know. This whole thing is just so messy and confusing, especially with Nat and Taylor going through… whatever it is they’re going through.”
“We’ll figure it out. All of us,” I say, trying to sound more confident and optimistic than I feel, which isn’t confident or optimistic at all. But Kate seems to buy it, judging by the smile she gives me.
“I’ll call you later and check on them, okay?”
I nod, giving her my best attempt at a smile. “We’ll be alright. Don’t worry about us.”
“I’m actually more worried about Nat,” she admits.
“Me too,” I reply, and Kate has no idea how honest of a statement it is.
A few minutes later, after bidding the kids goodbye and reminding them that all the rules at the house still apply here, Kate finally leaves me alone with them. It feels strange, and I hate that it feels strange.
For a long time, I just stand over the couch, watching as Shepherd plays one of my video games and Junia amuses herself with the doll I’m sure she begged Kate to let her bring. I’m immediately struck by how big they’ve gotten. I know that’s the sort of thing that would amaze me even if I saw them everyday, but it feels even worse knowing that I’m missing so much of this. The worst part is that it’s no one’s fault but my own. I’ve let myself get so concerned with so many other things that I’m letting my babies grow up behind my back.
And even as that occurs to me, I’m still distracted by wondering just what has driven Natalie away from Taylor today. I still can’t just focus on the kids. I have to know what’s going on with Taylor.
I take one last look at the kids to make sure they’re okay, but they barely even notice I’m there. I guess that’s a good thing, but it doesn’t make me feel much better about my parenting skills. Nevertheless, it means I have a little time to try to get some explanation out of Taylor.
With one eye still on the kids, I wander over to the kitchen area and type out a text to Taylor.
What’s the deal w/Nat? Kate brought the kids over here for me to watch
I tap my phone impatiently on the counter as I wait for a reply. Taylor’s usually glued to his phone, so I can’t imagine that it will take him very long. But five minutes pass. And then ten. After fifteen, I’m forced to admit that he isn’t going to reply—at least not soon enough for me to bother standing around waiting for him.
“Hey, kids,” I call out. “You guys ready for lunch?”
That gets a pretty enthusiastic reply, so I hope I actually have something I can feed them. Of course they have to eat lunch eventually, but it’s also a way for me to distract myself from staring at my phone for at least a few minutes.
Luckily, I have some frozen corndogs and those seem agreeable to both of them. I’m sure Kate won’t approve of those or the Mountain Dews I’m going to let them drink, but Kate isn’t here. One meal of junk food won’t kill them. If I’m completely honest, I know that stuffing them full of junk food will endear them to me a little. It’s a terribly cheap way to buy their affection, but it’s all I’ve got right now.
I can’t help checking my phone again and again as I wait for the oven to heat up and cook our frozen lunch. There’s still no text from Taylor, and I’m starting to get really antsy. It’s not a good sign at all that he hasn’t replied yet. A million horrible possibilities run through my mind, but I know I’m expecting the worst. There has to be a reasonable explanation for his silence. I just hope I find out what it is soon.
In just a few short minutes, lunch is ready and we’re all back on the couch with our plates. I’m not just trying to be the cool dad by letting them eat in front of the television; the dining room table is just too big for Junia, and Kate was obviously in too much of a hurry to pack her booster chair. But lunch in front of the tv is good enough for today, even though I’m already imagining all the stories they’re going to tell Kate about the many ways I’ve broken her rules. Oh well.
Once we’re all done with lunch, I decide I have to do something else to distract myself from my still silent cell phone. If I can come up with something that will also keep the kids occupied and happy for a while, then that’s just an extra bonus.
“Hey,” I say, once I’ve tossed their empty plates into the sink. “Why don’t you guys go clean up, and we’ll go out to the park?”
“Yeah!” They both cry out.
“Shep, help your sister wash her hands!” I call out as they disappear around the corner to the bathroom, practically racing each other there.
That was easy enough. Once again, I’ve chosen the route of being the cool dad. But it’s summer and I didn’t have a plan for the day; taking the kids to the park seems like a no-brainer. If we can make it back home without any major cuts and bruises, I think anyone would call the day a success.
A few short minutes later, we’re at a park downtown, not too far from my apartment. Shepherd has found a few boys his age to play with, while I push Junia on a swing just a few feet away. I know this is only a tiny taste of fatherhood, but I’m not doing so bad. I never do. I just have myself convinced that I can’t be a good father, but I’m not sure that I’ve ever even really tried.
I think it’s about time to change that, but I’m not really sure how. Won’t I see them even less after the divorce?
It’s hard to even think that far ahead, though, when we haven’t even met with a lawyer yet. Right now, all I can really think about are my more immediate problems. Such as why Taylor still hasn’t answered my text.
With one hand still pushing the swing, I reach into my pocket and pull my phone out yet again. It’s getting a real workout today, as I check again and again for a text that I already know isn’t coming. Sure enough, there’s still no new text from Taylor… or from anyone else.
Whatever’s happening, I’m still in the dark, and I don’t like it one bit.