Cold
We didn’t get much done in the studio that day, thanks in no small part to the fact that Taylor spent most of the day babysitting. It was obvious that Isaac and everyone else was just as annoyed as I was, although perhaps for different reasons. To make up for the lost day, we worked extra hard for the next few, leaving me precious little time to spend with Carrick. Even when we finally did decide to take a day off, I didn’t have any energy to spare. I let myself sleep in late and do nothing more than sit on my couch, eating potato chips, playing video games and occasionally texting Carrick.
The only way the day could improve would be if he was actually here.
It’s complicated, though. Isn’t my life always complicated? I sound cliché even putting it that way, but it’s true. Carrick makes me feel safe and wanted. Taylor makes me feel… all the other things I expect to feel in a relationship, even though we aren’t really in one. Of course, I do want Carrick, too. I want them both, in such different ways that I don’t know how I could ever choose.
Maybe I just won’t. Is that selfish? Of course it is.
My first instinct is to talk to Carrick about this conundrum. Then I realize that I can’t. He could help me with any other scenario, but I can’t ask him to help me choose between him and Taylor. That’s just stupid. So I don’t ask. I just continue a series of meaningless texts about the songs we’ve both been working on. I wonder if any of his are about me, but I don’t ask about that, either.
I don’t ask or say anything that really matters, because I just don’t know how.
Maybe that makes me a coward. I think I’m okay with being a coward. Cowards don’t get hurt as much as brave people who take risks and put themselves out there. I don’t know that I would undo everything that’s happened with Taylor just to avoid the pain of it all, but… maybe. Why not? Over a decade of loving him from a slight distance didn’t hurt all that bad. I was relatively happy. I had a career, friends, even a wife and kids. Granted, the marriage wasn’t all that great, but I’m sure my life could have been a lot worse. Somehow.
I just can’t seem to think of how.
After several hours spent on the couch, I finally give in to the need for food. I don’t really want to leave the little cocoon of blankets and video games that I’ve built for myself here, but my stomach is growling, so off to the kitchen I go.
I’m halfway through putting together a sandwich when the buzzer by the door goes off. That’s strange. Who would be visiting me? Carrick didn’t mention anything about coming by today, so I’m at a complete loss. I abandon my sandwich for the moment and walk to the door.
With my hand on the button, I speak into the little intercom system, “Hello?”
“Zac,” a voice says and I quickly identify it as Natalie. “I was just running a few errands and I told Kate I would drop off some of the laundry she did for you. Care to buzz me in? This basket is getting heavy.”
It’s a good thing the intercom system doesn’t have any sort of video screen. That way, Natalie can’t see the way I roll my eyes at her. She would volunteer to do something nice, then complain about it. That is absolutely her way.
“Yeah,” I say with a sigh, pressing the button that would allow her in. “Come on up.”
A nicer person would have volunteered to come downstairs and relieve her of her burden. I’m obviously not a nicer person, and where Natalie is concerned, I’m okay with that. I return to the kitchen to finish making my sandwich while she makes her way through the lobby and up to my apartment. It’s on the top floor, so I have plenty of time to panic while I wait for her. I hate that I can let my brother’s petite little wife scare me so much, but she does. I just don’t trust her and I never have. She’s never truly given me any reason to distrust her, aside from stealing Taylor away, but I still can’t shake the feeling that she’s up to no good.
I’m just grabbing some potato chips to go with my sandwich when there’s a knock at the door. For a brief moment, I consider not answering it, but of course that’s crazy. I have to answer; she already knows I’m here. I set the bag of chips down and make my way to the door.
Sure enough, when I open it, there’s Natalie with a heaping basket full of neatly folded laundry. I try to grab it from her, but before I can wrap my hand around the basket, she barges right into the apartment. I can only stand by the door, gaping at her as she scurries into the apartment and puts the laundry basket down on my couch.
“Umm,” I say. “Thanks for bringing my laundry over?”
She spins back around to face me. “You know, I’m surprised Kate’s still doing your chores for you. Doesn’t really seem fair of you to make her.”
“I didn’t make her,” I reply, crossing my arms over my chest. “I just… hadn’t gone back to get the rest of my stuff. She knew I was gonna come get more of my clothes when I had a chance.”
“Well,” Natalie says with a shrug. “Still doesn’t seem fair.”
“She could have sent them over still dirty. Or not sent them at all. And you didn’t have to volunteer to bring them.”
Natalie smirks. “Oh, but Zac… I did.”
My stomach falls to the floor. I don’t know what that smirk means, but I know it can’t possibly be anything good. All I can do is stare blankly at her, hoping she doesn’t waste any more time before explaining herself.
“See, you’re lucky I was there when Kate decided to do your laundry,” Natalie continues. “I just stopped by, on a whim, and of course I helped her. Couldn’t let her do all that work for you by herself, especially when she shouldn’t have been doing it in the first place.”
I roll my eyes. “Okay, okay. So I’m a horrible person for making her do my laundry when we’re not together anymore. Is that all?”
Natalie shakes her head, that smirk still on her lips. “Oh, no. That’s far from all. While I was sorting out clothes for her, I found a little something in one of your pockets.”
And that’s it. That’s the end of my life. I don’t even have to guess what it is she found. I know, without question, that it’s the pictures.
Without another word, she pulls them from her pocket and waves them around. I don’t need to move closer to her to know I’m right. I don’t want to see them again. The images are already committed to my memory, and I have a feeling that now they’re committed to Natalie’s, too. She’s smart enough to know what she’s looking at—first, the kisses, then my head disappearing from the frame while Taylor’s falls back against the wall in an expression of pure ecstasy. Anyone would be able to interpret that.
So why isn’t the expression on her face one of disgust?
“Nat…” I manage to gasp out. “I… I don’t…”
But that’s all I can say. Words completely fail me as I stare at her. Her lips are still turned up in a smirk, but her eyes are full of ice. I don’t know what any of it means.
“There’s nothing to try to explain,” she finally says. “I’m not dumb, Zachary. I know Taylor sleeps around. As long as he comes home to me, I can deal. And you? Well… let’s just say that I’m not surprised. I always knew there was something wrong with you.”
I can only stare dumbly at her. I want to object to everything she’s said, but I can’t. It’s all true.
“And I’m definitely not surprised that you were dumb enough to leave a trail of evidence,” she adds.
I take a cautious step toward her, my hands stretched out in front of me, pleading. “Nat… just, just give me the pics, okay?”
She throws her head back and laughs. Actually laughs. And that’s when I go from scared to terrified.
“Oh no,” she says, tucking the strip of photos inside her shirt where she knows I won’t go searching for them. “I’m keeping these. Call it… an insurance policy. One toe over the line, Zachary, just one wrong glance at Taylor, and… well, these photos won’t stay our little secret.”
“Are you… are you blackmailing me?” I ask.
“I suppose you could call it that,” she replies with a shrug. “I’m just doing what I have to do to keep my hubby. You two have always been too close, and now that I know why, it’s time to put a stop to it. So if you’re so determined to divorce my best friend, I’m just warning you. You want that divorce to go smoothly, don’t you?”
I nod dumbly, unable to believe any of this is happening. I knew Natalie was bad… I didn’t realize she was actually evil.
“I can only imagine what would happen if your wife saw these pictures… you really think you’d be allowed to ever see your children again? What if the court saw these?”
“B-but… but that would hurt Taylor, too,” I reply, hoping against hope that Nat can see reason.
She just shrugs. She fucking shrugs. “We’ve had a good run. Ten years, four kids… I could get one hell of a divorce settlement out of him if it came to that. But it won’t, will it? Because you’re not going to touch him again. Are you?”
I shake my head. It doesn’t matter if I’m telling her the truth or not, and I truly don’t know if I am. What else can I say? If I defy her, I don’t know what she might do, but it would be bad. Very bad.
“Good,” she says with a smile. “I knew you’d see things my way. I’m trying to look out for you, don’t you see? You want this to stay a secret, I’m sure. And it will. If it ends now.”
Twisted as her logic is, I can’t argue with it. Arguing will get me nowhere with someone so resolute and so… cold.
That’s the only word for Natalie. Cold. I see now, without a doubt, that she doesn’t want Taylor. She wants to be Mrs. Taylor Hanson. Failing that, she wants him to hurt. She’s got his name, his children, his money… she’ll keep those, even if she can’t keep him. It’s all so clear, and I don’t know why Taylor doesn’t see it. But maybe he does. And maybe that’s why he feels so trapped by her. Because he is, more than I ever realized until this very moment.
“Good,” she says, seeing that I’m not going to resist. She takes a few steps forward and pats me on the chest. “I’m glad we had this talk. I think we understand each other a little better now.”
“Yeah,” I choke out. “I think we do.”
“Well then, I’ll see you later. Try not to make Kate do all your chores for you from now on, okay?”
Before I can reply to that, she’s out the door. I glance around in vain, hoping that somehow she’s dropped the pictures. If I had them… if I could destroy them… it would only be her word against ours. No one would really believe her, would they?
But they would if she had the pictures. And she does.
I stare at the door, wishing that this entire afternoon had been a dream. But it hasn’t. I’ve long thought there was no way that I could really choose between Taylor and Carrick. Now I realize, as stare at the door Natalie has just walked out of, I don’t have to. The choice has been made for me. And somehow, that doesn’t make me feel better at all.