Fireworks
I let myself sleep in pretty late the next day, just because I can. That’s the one good thing about being on a semi-hiatus from the band and suddenly living entirely on my own, I guess—I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. If I want to microwave last night’s pizza and eat it for breakfast, there’s absolutely no one there to stop me. If I want to walk around the apartment naked after my shower, there’s no one at all to tell me I can’t.
Unfortunately, there’s also no food aside from that leftover pizza, so I do eventually have to put on clothes and head over to the nearest grocery store.
In addition to being a necessity, it’s also a stalling tactic. I don’t want to face my friends and family any sooner than absolutely necessary. Usually there would be a big Independence Day party at my parents’ house too, but no one has mentioned it this year, so I guess Angie and Johnny’s party is it. Or maybe they just don’t want me at the family party. I do consider that possibility for a minute or two, but ultimately I dismiss it. They don’t hate me enough to exclude me from family events. I think.
One man can only eat so many frozen dinners, though, so eventually I do have to leave the grocery store and return to my apartment. Once I’m there, the only things between me and the party are a few hours of video games and a frozen burrito.
All too soon, like the rest of the day might as well not have even happened, I’m pulling into Johnny and Angelene’s driveway. It’s already crowded, because I procrastinated as much as I could, and I’m really dismayed to see Taylor’s car amongst them all.
I really, really didn’t think he would be here.
Part of me wants to get back in my truck and just leave, but I’ve already been spotted. Johnny’s on his way out of the garage with his arms piled full of fireworks, and he shouts out a loud greeting to me. Too late to turn back now. My reply isn’t nearly as cheerful as he sounded, but it’s the best I can do right now. It’s a longshot, but maybe I can just avoid Taylor. That tiny little hope is really all I’ve got going for me, and it’s what propels me on to the backyard where I can hear the party raging.
Whatever tiny bit of optimism I managed to dredge up, it’s all gone once I round the corner of the house and see the crowd. Not only is Taylor here, but so is Natalie. She’s hanging off his arm with a beer in her other hand and a huge smile on her face. I’m not sure how she went from the grieving woman who’d just suffered a miscarriage to… this. Then again, nothing she’s done has ever really surprised me. I always expect the worst and most ridiculous from Natalie, and she delivers.
She’s the first person to turn and notice me, and for a moment, I swear her smile only gets bigger and more devious. Then it fades away into a carefully calculated sympathetic pout.
“Oh, Zac,” she says. “How are you holding up?”
I’m sure she’s referring to everything with Kate, and I’m not surprised at all that she knows. And it isn’t like she just told everyone my wife kicked me out, but with the way they’re all staring at me now, I know I’m going to have to explain myself.
“I’m fine,” I reply, not looking Natalie in the eyes but not wanting to look at any of the other people who are now staring at me, either.
“I know it must be tough, moving out and…”
Taylor cuts her off. “Moving out? What?”
“Yeah, I’m living in the old apartment now. Hadn’t you heard?” Before Taylor can do more than shake his head, I turn toward Johnny. “Have you got anything stronger than beer?”
“In the kitchen,” he replies, his eyes wide.
I should probably stick around and explain myself to everyone, not just Taylor, but I really don’t think I can handle it. Even after I turn around to walk toward the house, I know Taylor’s right there behind me, stubbornly chasing after me for answers. I don’t spin around to face him until we’re both inside the house. He practically falls backward when I do, and at any other time, I probably would have laughed at that.
“Why the hell are you staying at the apartment?”
“You know, I’m really surprised Natalie isn’t sharing all this gossip with you,” I reply.
Taylor’s mouth falls open, and then he shakes his head. “I mean, I knew things weren’t going that well, but… what, did she kick you out?”
“Something like that,” I say. “It’s not as bad as it sounds. We’re just… yeah, we’re not living together right now.”
“But you’ll work things out, right?” He asks, reaching out to put a comforting hand on my arm.
I shake his hand off. “No, Tay. You knew we were talking about a divorce. I’m not going to stay in a marriage that just isn’t working. I’m not like some people.”
“You mean me,” he replies. “You just don’t get it, do you?”
“What I don’t get is why you didn’t, at any point during that trip, feel the need to tell me that you guys were back together,” I practically hiss.
Taylor’s brow furrows. “Is that why you’re so upset with me? Zac, she’s my wife. We never broke up. She just needed time to deal with things. You know how Nat is.”
“Oh, I know how Nat is,” I reply with a bitter laugh. “I know how deep she’s got her claws in you.”
Taylor’s eyes widen. “Where the hell is this coming from, Zac? Are you saying you have a problem with my wife? With me?”
“Yeah, I guess I do have a problem… with both of you.” I turn to leave then, but Taylor grabs my arm and pulls me back.
“And what the hell is that problem?”
I roll my eyes. “I don’t know how much clearer I can make it, Tay. You don’t feel the need to tell me what’s going on in your marriage, and then you… we… do what we did during that trip.”
“So what, Zac?” He asks, chuckling. “Are you really surprised that I’m not just giving up on a ten year marriage?”
“But you’re surprised that I’m giving up on mine?” I counter, really unsure what point Taylor is trying to make.
“I guess I shouldn’t be,” he replies. “I mean, you’re sleeping with me, you’re sleeping with Carrick… you let your wife run off to Georgia and it doesn’t even seem to bother you at all that she’s gone. Just means you don’t even have to sneak around, I guess.”
I have to hold myself back from punching him because I know he has a point. I’m not a good person. Why should I expect Taylor to be any better than I’ve been?
“So forgive me if I didn’t realize that I needed to tell you everything that was going on in my marriage, Zac. It’s not like you would understand it, anyway.”
“You’d be surprised how much I would understand staying with someone who made you miserable,” I reply, and I’m not even talking about Kate anymore. Whether Taylor realizes that or not, I don’t know, but this conversation is giving me too much of a headache to stick around and explain it all to him in detail.
Besides, he’s already proven that he doesn’t think I need to know everything about his life. So why does he need to know everything about mine?
I can hear the fireworks going off outside and I know we’re missing a lot of the party. Right now, I just really need a drink. A strong drink. I wrench my arm free of Taylor and continue on to the kitchen, not caring at all if he follows me. If he does, I’ll just ignore him. There’s nothing more we can accomplish with this conversation. I’m leaving Kate, he’s never leaving Natalie, and that’s that.
After filling a plastic cup with Jack and Coke, I make my way back through the house. Taylor is nowhere to be seen, and I guess that shouldn’t surprise me. Things got tough, so he ran. In everything ever, except his marriage, that’s just what he does. He can act like the band’s leader all he wants, but when the going gets tough, he tucks tail and runs. Taylor’s the first person to hide from the even tiniest sign of real drama.
So why am I at all surprised that he’s running away from this thing that’s happening between us?
I guess I’m not. I might hope for more and delude myself into thinking Taylor won’t disappoint me, but deep down, I know he will.
I down half my drink before even setting foot into the backyard, and for a moment I consider going back and refilling it. As much as I want to get drunk, I’m not sure it’s really going to improve my mood. Getting drunk inevitably leads to doing stupid things. Things like… well, Taylor. With Natalie once again hanging all over him, I don’t think I have to worry about that, but I should probably still stay relatively sober.
Looking around at all the party guests, I really start to feel like the odd man out. Okay, not everyone else here is paired off, but there are enough happy married couples to make me feel pretty sick to my stomach. Then there’s Carrick. He seems to be the only person who has even noticed my return to the party.
“Hey,” he says, flopping down into a lawn chair next to the one I’ve decided to make my home for the night. “Haven’t seen your pretty face in a while.”
My only reply is an eye roll.
“Seriously, though… I missed you around here. Tulsa kinda sucks when you’re gone.”
I sigh. I know I’m being unfair to Carrick right now, taking my anger with Taylor out on him. I don’t quite meet his eyes, but I at least manage to look in his general direction and reply, “Yeah, well… I missed you, too. I’m sorry I haven’t been around.”
He just shrugs. “Hey, I know you had a concert to do. No big deal. How did it go, by the way?”
“Oh, the concert went well…”
“But?” He asks, raising an eyebrow. “The concert went well, but I’m guessing something else didn’t.”
Before I can stop myself, I’ve glanced in Taylor’s direction. He’s waving around a sparkler like he doesn’t have a care in the world, like our fight didn’t happen at all. To him, it probably didn’t.
“Something happened with Taylor,” Carrick states.
I sigh. “I really, really don’t want to talk about it.”
Carrick nods, but I can tell he wants to ask more. He won’t, though. He knows when not to push my buttons, unlike certain other people. If I don’t want to talk yet, then I won’t have to. I can just sit here and finish my drink, content in the knowledge that Carrick is with me if I need him.
And I definitely need him.
Taylor seems to have suddenly remembered that I exist, and now he’s walking over here, a lit sparkler in each hand. Is he really going to offer me fireworks as a peace offering? I have a feeling that’s exactly his plan. As he approaches, he plasters a huge fake smile on his face and holds a sparkler out toward me like a child.
“Come on,” he says, practically bouncing up and down. “You’ve got to join the party.”
“I don’t feel like it,” I reply, not caring that I sound just as childish as Taylor.
“Please?” He asks, and when he gets no further response from me, he turns to Carrick. “How about you?”
Carrick shakes his head. “Nah, I think we’re about to leave.”
That’s news to me, but I’m not going to argue with him. The further from Taylor I can get, the better. Carrick takes my empty cup and tosses it in the trash can a few feet away, then stands up and offers me a hand. It’s just a friendly gesture to anyone else who’s watching, but I know to the three of us it means a lot more than that.
So I take his hand.
“Alright,” Taylor replies, taking a few steps back. “I guess I’ll see you guys later or something… maybe at the studio in a few days…”
No one’s really paying attention to us, so I grip Carrick’s hand tightly and keep it firmly in mine until we reach my truck. I’m reluctant to let go of it even then. Just being this close to him makes me wonder why I’ve ignored him so much lately. I need him near me.
I need him.