Boxes
Moving back into the apartment is way too easy. I can’t help thinking it’s the sort of thing that should take days and days and be kind of painful. But it isn’t. It just sort of happens in one long afternoon, and then it’s over.
I can only hope it’s a sign that this whole divorce process is going to be easy and painless.
Kate helps me some with the packing, but it feels like the sort of thing I should do by myself. I’m the one who got myself into this mess, after all. She still brings me a few boxes, and even offers to wash some of my clothes before I pack them, but I draw the line there. Maybe I’m treating this whole process a little bit like penance, but I guess it kind of is. Whatever it is, it definitely isn’t all that difficult. I might own a lot of crap, but the apartment isn’t that big, so for now I’m only packing up what I really need.
We haven’t really planned when I’m going to come and get the rest of my stuff. We haven’t really planned any of this. It’s just so new to both of us. I guess we’ll have to figure it out together.
The kids are spending the day at my parents’, so at least we don’t have to worry about figuring out some way to explain all of this to them. I know it’s awful that I’m leaving it up to Kate to tell them later that Daddy isn’t coming home, but I never claimed to be a good person. There’s no doubt in my mind that she can handle that conversation more gracefully than I can anyway.
Not having the kids here at least makes it easier to finish packing up my life. As soon as I have that thought, I feel awful, but it seems like these days I always feel awful for one reason or another. Still, it doesn’t take very long at all to pack up all the clothes, books, games and stuff that I think I’ll need. Kate makes sure to pack up one box of plates and stuff for me, although I’m pretty sure we both know that I’m just going to order takeout or eat frozen dinners.
When it’s all said and done, everything I need fits into just a few boxes that are pretty easy to cram into the bed of my truck. Kate helps me to hoist them up into the truck, even though they’re really not too heavy for me to move on my own. She’s trying to prove something by being helpful right now, but I’m not quite sure what it is.
Once all the boxes are loaded up, we end up just standing awkwardly beside my truck, staring at each other.
“You’re sure you don’t need any help unpacking? I really don’t mind helping…”
I shake my head. “No, I’ll be alright. You know me, I’ll probably just carry in my clothes and xBox, and worry about the rest of it later.”
Kate chuckles softly. “Yeah, that sounds like you. Anyway, I guess if you need help, you can just call Taylor or something.”
I hope Kate doesn’t notice how sick I suddenly feel just at the mention of his name. This is our third day back in Tulsa and I haven’t spoken to him at all. I don’t really know when I will. If it were up to me, maybe I never would, at least not until I absolutely had to. I’m not sure what I expected from him, but somehow it definitely wasn’t for him to sleep with me and conveniently forget to mention that he and Nat were back together.
“Yeah,” I finally manage to squeak out. “I guess I could call him.”
Kate gives me a small smile. “I know the band is kind of taking a break, but that doesn’t mean you guys have to as well. You can still hang out aside from band stuff. I mean, you’re still brothers.”
Still brothers. Yeah, that’s part of the problem. Of course, I’m not going to tell my wife that. She’s been pretty understanding, really, about the way our marriage has fallen apart, but that’s only because she doesn’t know the half of it. If she knew the rest… just thinking about it almost makes me shudder until I realize she’s still watching me.
“Well, I should probably get going,” I say, not even trying to return her smile. I really just can’t.
Kate nods. “Send me a text or something when you get settled in?”
“Sure,” I reply, although knowing me, I’ll probably forget or get distracted or something.
Our goodbyes don’t get any sappier than that, and I definitely didn’t expect them to. Even when things were good, we weren’t the sort of couple who got all emotional, in public or in private. We had our moments, sure, but those were mostly the result of our fights. It seems like we’ve always just been coasting long and trying to keep the peace, and that was enough for us. We didn’t need to get any more invested than that.
I guess that’s our problem. We never really had that much to fight for in the first place.
We never had a real romance like Isaac and Nikki. We just sort of fell together because we were both there and single. And by the time we had a family, we had practically given up fighting for something more. The kids weren’t a reason to stick together and make it work, like they seem to be for Taylor and Natalie.
As soon as I think about them, it makes me ill. Unfortunately, I think Kate would have a few questions for me if I ran back into the house to puke. So I suck it up and climb into my truck, not even glancing back at her before starting it up and pulling out onto the road.
It’s a pretty long drive, or at least it feels like it today, from the suburbs to the middle of downtown. Even though I’m moving closer to our office, it feels like I’m leaving everything behind. I might as well be in another state entirely, nowhere near any of the people I care about.
But who are those people, really?
I know the rest of my family would be there for me, if I could bear showing my face around them at all. But Taylor… it feels like I’m losing him. I have to remind myself that he was never really mine in the first place, even for the brief period of time when it felt like he was.
And then there’s Carrick…
I was so happy to have him in Tulsa, and now I’m moving farther away from him. I haven’t even spoken to him in a week, though. What could I possibly say to him after what he saw, what he took part in? I’m not sure I can stand to look at him now.
I seem to be burning bridges left and right. Pretty soon, I won’t have anyone left.
My pity part doesn’t end once I arrive at the apartment, but at least now I’ve got other things to do to distract myself. Even though I wasn’t really joking when I told Kate I probably wouldn’t unpack tonight, I don’t have anything better to do than lug all my boxes through the parking garage and up to my floor. The boxes seem heavier this time around, and the physical exertion is enough to occupy my mind for a while so that I don’t have to think about everything that led up to this moment. If I stop to think about all of it, I might just open a window and throw myself out.
Okay. Maybe I wouldn’t go that far. But I don’t really want to test myself.
Carrying the boxes into the apartment is about as productive as I have it in me to be today. It’s not like the apartment is an unfurnished box, anyway. It’s still full of furniture, appliances and other random stuff to make it livable if we need to crash after a late recording session. I’m pretty sure we even left some dishes and things in the kitchen, so I probably don’t even need the box Kate packed for me.
I do at least manage to get all the boxes carried in, though. After that, I dig out one suitcase of clothes and the bag with my bathroom stuff, and put those in the appropriate places. The only other thing I’m concerned with right now is my xBox. There’s no cable here and I’ll probably have to steal someone else’s wifi for a few days, but I can at least play a few games on the old tv we left here. I don’t even remember who it used to belong to, and there’s one spot in the corner where the color is all funny because some drunk—Taylor, if I recall correctly—threw a shoe at it for reasons unknown. But it works enough to play my video games and that’s all that matters.
And that’s how I spend my afternoon.
I only manage to pull myself away from the video games when I get hungry. I guess I really haven’t eaten all day, and that is neither good nor normal for me, but I’ve been busy. Plus, there’s no food at all in the apartment right now. I didn’t bother to stop and pick up any groceries on my way here, because I’m clearly not that much of a thoughtful, responsible adult.
So, time to find some place that will deliver a pizza here. If I’m going to be a bachelor, I might as well really be a bachelor. If I could order a case of beer with my pizza, I would.
Somehow, I have a feeling that pizza, beer and video games is about as exciting as my bachelor pad is going to get, and there’s probably something very sad about that.
In thirty minutes or less, I’m already halfway through my pepperoni pizza and feeling like a total failure at life. When my phone starts beeping at me, alerting me to a text, I have to talk myself into even checking it. I did manage to text Kate earlier, but I can’t imagine what she would be texting me about now. Is she really that concerned that I can’t make it on my own? If so, maybe she shouldn’t have kicked me out…
The text isn’t from Kate, though. It’s from Carrick, and that only makes me feel worse because it reminds me that I’ve been ignoring him lately.
I stare at the screen for a few minutes, the empty text box just taunting me and daring me to reply. The biggest part of me wants to say no, but there’s also a part of me that really misses Carrick. Still, a party at his house? Those have a history of not working out so well for me.
I only have time to take a few more bites of my pizza before he replies.
Low key? Even though he can’t see it, I raise an eyebrow at that. They might usually be low key, but I seem to remember him watching Taylor give me head at one of those parties. I’m very tempted to tell Carrick I’ll only come to the party if Taylor doesn’t. It probably doesn’t matter, though. Now that Natalie’s back in Taylor’s life, I can’t imagine he’ll be coming to very many parties. With that in mind, I text Carrick back.
The smile is only on my phone, not my face, but Carrick doesn’t need to know that.