Friendly Skies
Until Kate mentioned it, I had completely forgotten that we were going out of town just a few days later to play some festival in Wisconsin. It had been scheduled before everything happened with Natalie and Taylor, and I know there’s no way we could drop out of it now. Whether he’s ready or not, Taylor has to go and face the public again.
Kate took the kids to stay with her, which I supposed was a good thing in two ways; it meant that Natalie might have been recovering a little bit if she could stand to be around anyone’s children again, and it also meant that I didn’t have to wake them up early and shuttle them off to my parents’ house before our stupidly early flight to Milwaukee. The latter was a big relief, and the former worried me a little. I’d spent as much time as possible with Taylor for the last few days, and he hadn’t mentioned anything about Natalie’s condition. I wanted to ask, but I was afraid I didn’t really want to know the answer.
It’s only a three day trip, even when you add in the time spent flying, so I don’t have a lot of packing to do. All of our musical equipment, which is being packed by the crew, comprises the biggest part of our luggage. We got together at the studio two days ago to hash out a rough setlist and figure out what needed to be packed for those songs. Knowing us, though, it’ll change approximately five minutes before the set begins. Either way, all of those details are already taken care of the best that they can be. All I have to do is bring clothes and soap. Maybe a few other things, but that’s the gist of it. I’m a simple man like that.
And since I have so little to pack, I leave it all until the morning we’re set to leave. I couldn’t sleep last night, anyway, so I spent most of the night shuffling between the couch watching late night television, the laundry room washing the clothes I was taking with me and the kitchen for more soda. I managed to get just an hour or two of sleep in right before my alarm went off, and then I’m up shoving wrinkled but clean clothes into a suitcase.
I don’t know why, but I keep wanting to delay this. Something about leaving this time feels wrong to me, but I know I don’t really have a choice. I can’t back out of the concert now. Once I’ve taken as long as I possibly can to pack everything, I head outside to meet the cab that our ever so thoughtful manager already called for me, knowing I’d never remember a detail like that on my own. At the crack of dawn – literally – there’s no traffic, so it isn’t a long drive to the airport. I wish it was longer.
The cab deposits me right in the front of the airport’s main doors. It’s not a big place, so I’m not surprised that as soon as I step onto the sidewalk with my suitcase, I see Isaac and Taylor. I am a little surprised, though, to see all four of Taylor’s kids trailing behind him. I don’t recall any plans to bring them along on this trip, and it seems a little inhumane to wake them up so early, so I really have no clue what’s going on.
Before I can get out a single word to ask what’s happening, I see Natalie walking up, which only confuses me even more – and makes my blood boil just a little.
Okay, a lot.
“Are we having a fucking family reunion at 6am?” I mumble to no one but myself.
Isaac raises an eyebrow, then just shrugs. He seems more in the dark than I am, and I’m okay with that as long as he doesn’t start asking questions too. I’m sure he knows about everything that has happened with Natalie, but I’m fairly certain he has no clue about my involvement in Taylor’s drama. I’d really prefer to keep it that way.
“Fuck this,” I mumble even more quietly, then loudly, I add, “I’m going inside.”
Isaac just nods, and Taylor doesn’t seem to notice at all, too busy bending down to say something to Penny. It’s kind of cute, but the rest of the whole show makes me feel sick to my stomach, so I turn and walk into the airport before I get even more upset.
I check myself in, because I might as well get that over with, then make my way to the coffee shop. It isn’t Starbucks, and I don’t even like coffee, but right now, I really don’t care. There are ulterior motives at play here. Whenever Taylor finally peels himself away from his wife and kids, I know this will be his first stop. This might be my only chance of getting him relatively alone today and talking to him. It’s not exactly backing him into a corner, but it’ll have to do.
I order some double chocolate something, because I figure that will be the most palatable for me. It still tastes like chocolate covered crap, but I force myself to suck it down anyway. It seems fitting; I’m not sure that I really deserve anything enjoyable or fulfilling. What I have I done lately to earn any sort of happiness? Not a damn thing, that’s what.
I’ve barely drank a fourth of this foul stuff when Taylor finally walks up. He doesn’t even seems to notice me at all while he places his order, but finally, with a steaming latte in hand, he wanders my way and leans against the counter.
“I thought you didn’t drink coffee.”
“I don’t.”
“Oh.”
What can I say? We’re not morning people.
“It’ll be good to play again, I think,” Tay says with a smile on his face that looks far too genuine for this early.
“Yeah, I think it will.”
We haven’t actually played a concert since the Hanson day shindig, and that was before Carrick and Austin arrived. Almost two months. Somehow, it doesn’t seem like it’s even possible that much time has passed, but I know it has. At the same time, it all seems like a neverending nightmare. It’s funny how time go can so quickly and so slowly at the same time, isn’t it?
That appears to be the most small talk either of us is going to attempt. Now we’re both just staring into our drinks silently. I guess I’ll have to be the first one to talk again. Might as well take the plunge and ask the question that’s burning a hole in my mind.
“So, umm, why are all the kids here? A-and… and Nat?”
“Oh,” Taylor says, glancing up and blinking. “Well, I was going to drop them off last night, but they insisted – all of them, in agreement for like the first time ever – that they wanted to say goodbye to me at the airport, not before I left.”
He conveniently left someone out of that answer, but I don’t quite have the courage to call him on it.
“And… well, Nat and I talked about it, and she’s feeling up to keeping them for a while.”
“Oh.” Suddenly I have even less desire than before to finish drinking this chocolate crap.
“I figured Kate would have told you.”
“At which point, before or after she asked for a divorce?” It’s too early not to be a sarcastic bastard; I’m not even going to try.
Taylor blinks. “Oh. Right… sorry.”
I don’t know if he’s purposely being stupid or if it’s just because it’s so early. I don’t think I have the patience to keep talking to him about all of this. Luckily, Isaac walks up right then and informs us that it’s time to leave if we want to actually make our flight. Ike to the rescue, I suppose.
I toss the chocolate thing in the nearest trash can and try to ignore Taylor to the best of my abilities. It isn’t really that difficult. We’re making the switch into band mode now, not brother mode. Business mode. It’s time to get shit done, and shit, in this case, happens to be getting on the right plane with all of our belongings. For us, that can be pretty complicated, but we’re not taking many people on this trip. In fact it’s only us and Bex leaving from Tulsa; the rest of the band and crew are flying in from the various places they all live. It shouldn’t be difficult to get myself on the plane, but my mind doesn’t want to focus right now. It has other things to occupy itself with.
Namely, the fact that Taylor is apparently on speaking terms with his wife again.
I know I have no right to be jealous. It would be different if he and I had done anything other than one childish kiss before he met her. She didn’t steal him from me; objectively, I know that. But more subjectively, I can’t help feeling like she stole him from everyone. I know they were in it together, they both fucked up, but there were real moments of happiness in amongst all the bullshit he went through before she got pregnant. I haven’t seen him that happy since he was officially tethered to her for the rest of his life.
It might have been both of their actions that ruined his life – I’ll never be able to see it any other way – but I can’t help blaming her so much more than I do him.
So no, I don’t have any right to be jealous, even if I have been spending a lot of… quality time, shall we say, with him lately. But I still am. I can’t stop it, and the longer I think about her being back in his life, the more it upsets me.
I wonder how long they’ve been talking again. I wonder why he didn’t tell me. She’s only taking the kids while we’re gone. I have to reassure myself of that. Surely she’s not moving back in. Something as big as that… I’d like to think Taylor would tell me.
It’s possible that I put more trust in him than I should. But despite everything else, he’s my brother. My big brother. Who else can I trust if I can’t trust him?
I shuffle my way onto the plane, barely even aware of where I am or where I’m going. I only snap back to my senses when I notice that Taylor’s staring at me.
“Yeah?”
“I asked if you wanted to sit next to me.”
Did he really need to ask?
“Yeah, sure,” I reply, trying not to sound overly enthusiastic about it.
I don’t even know how my mood can swing so quickly, but it has. I guess the only answer is that it’s because of Taylor. Isn’t everything?
He gives me the window seat, even though I know it’s his favorite. With his newfound photography obsession, he’s taken pictures of nearly every take off and landing for the last two years. But he’s giving up today’s… for me. I don’t know what to make of that, except to give him a genuine smile as I settle into my seat and he eases into the one right next to me.
Soon, we’re in the air. I watch Tulsa fade away into nothing more than a big green grid, still covered in an early morning haze. After everything that’s happened recently, it feels good to leave. It feels good to know I have just a few days away with the music, and with Taylor. As Tulsa grows smaller and smaller, the weirdness that’s taken me over for the last few months seems to vanish as well.
I feel like me again.
I glance over at Tay and he gives me a genuine smile. Maybe he feels like himself again, too, if he even knows who that is anymore. Maybe this trip is what he needs to remember.