Talk
I’m not a breakfast person at the best of times, and it’s already getting closer to lunch. With Kate on her way here to talk, I’m not sure I can stand to eat anything at all, but I suppose I should try. After finally managing to get a grip on that can of soda, I rummage around in the cabinets until I find a box of poptarts. I’m sure Kate won’t be impressed if she sees me eating something so processed and sugary, but I’m really past the point of caring what she thinks of me.
That sounds a lot worse than I mean, but it doesn’t make it any less true.
Whatever she has to say to me now, I’m sure it can’t be good at all. But I’ve done so many things that she would hate me for if she knew about that I can’t really be bothered to care about all the bad things she does know about. In comparison, they don’t even come close.
I settle onto the couch with my poptarts and Dr. Pepper, hoping that I don’t have to wait long for Kate to show up. The longer I have to wait for her, the longer I have to think and make myself even more anxious about whatever it is she wants to talk to me about. I take a shower more to distract myself than to wash the smell of sex off my body, and I’m just getting dressed and pulling my hair back into a ponytail when I hear the tell-tale sound of tires crunching on gravel. Finally.
Deciding that it’s a decent show of goodwill toward her, I make my way to the door and open it. I watch as she helps Shepherd and Junia out of the car, knowing that I should probably go and help her, but I feel rooted on the spot. With everything that’s happening in my life lately, I’ve barely thought about how all of it could affect me kids. I know that’s horrible of me, and it’s that guilt that keeps me stock still in the door frame, unable to even muster up the courage to go help Kate unbuckle their car seats.
If I didn’t already feel like a horrible person, I really do know. I didn’t think I could sink much lower, but I guess I was wrong.
A moment later, I’m holding the door open for her. It seems to take all the energy I’ve got so that I can barely even manage to say hello to the kids before they’re rushing off to their rooms to play. Kate barely acknowledges me at first, either, but I guess I deserve that. I deserve a lot worse than that, in fact. And I’m sure that before long, I’ll get it.
I follow a safe distance behind Kate as she sets down her bags and makes her way to the kitchen. To be extra safe, I lean against the wall well out of her reach, as she pours herself a glass of water. I don’t know how long she’s going to ignore me, and I don’t like it. I can’t stand the suspense. I know whatever we’re going to talk about isn’t good, and I would really like to just get it over with.
Finally, she sets the glass down on the counter and looks at me.
“We really need to talk.”
“Yeah,” I reply. “You said that already. In your message.”
She nods. “I’ve done a lot of thinking, you know. While I was with Natalie.”
I don’t like the sound of that. I’ve never liked the two of them together. Kate was always the more reasonable, mature one, but Natalie can be a horrible influence on her. When they get together and start talking, nothing good can come of it.
“I’ve been thinking… maybe we really should call it quits, Zac.”
I know I should have expected that, but somehow, I didn’t. It hits me like an actual punch to the gut, knocking the breath out of me.
“Q-quits?” I repeat.
“Yeah,” she says, nodding slightly like she’s still trying to completely convince herself. “It’s just… I mean, we’re so different. And we always have been, but the last month or so it’s becoming so much more obvious and I just don’t know we can possibly find any middle ground again.”
It’s well thought out and reasonable, so I can’t really be angry with her. Even if it did surprise me to hear it right now, I knew this day was coming. I knew this couldn’t go on forever like it was supposed to.
“Are you going to say anything at all?” She asks.
“It sounds like you’ve already made up your mind,” I reply.
“But if… if you really wanted to try to work it out… maybe we could.”
There it is. I knew she wasn’t as resolute as she was trying to sound. As much as I want to soothe her worries, I just don’t see how we could work it out. She’s right. We’re too different. I shake my head, and sigh. “No… I don’t think we really could.”
Kate nods softly again. “Right… I guess you’re right. I just wish it could be different.”
“I wish it could be different, too.”
It isn’t a lie, but I have a feeling her idea of different and mine are, well, really different. I’m barely sure what I want at all right now, but it’s becoming increasingly obvious that being married, especially to someone like Kate, isn’t it. She’s just one of many people I’m hurting, but maybe if I get away from her, I can stop it. Maybe away from me, she can find some happiness.
“Right,” Kate says. “Well, I guess… I guess I’ll have to figure out somewhere to stay. I can’t stay with Pam and Natalie forever. When you guys get back from that festival, we can start figuring everything out.”
I nod. As uncertain as she sounded, it’s clear she has put a lot of thought into this. Once Kate makes her mind up about something, it can’t be changed. And now that she knows this is going to happen, she seems to already have it planned out in detail. She’s not going to waste any time getting out of my life, I’m sure. Or getting me out of hers. I’m not really sure which way she sees it.
“You can go play with the kids,” Kate says. “I told them we would be here for a while today. I’m going to call Natalie, though, and check on her.”
For a moment, I consider calling her out on the fact that she just gave me permission to play with my own children, but I decide better of it. What good could come of picking a fight with her now? All the things considered, this has been pretty amicable for the beginning of a divorce.
The cynical little voice in my mind says that it can’t possible stay that way.
I try to let that cynicism go and just enjoy a few hours of mindless play with Shepherd and Junia, but it doesn’t work. I know they can tell my heart isn’t really in any of the games they want to play, but I keep trying anyway, because I don’t know when I’ll get to see them again. Who knows how much I’ll even be allowed to see them after the divorce.
That particular line of thought does nothing for my cynicism.
By the time Kate comes in and tells the kids to get ready to leave, I’m just this side of curling up in the fetal position and crying. If she notices how upset I am, she doesn’t feel the need to comment on it. Her own emotions are impossible for me to read behind the blank stare she’s perfected. I can’t help thinking this would be easier for me if I could watch her fall apart, too. But it seems I’m the only person falling apart.
Except for Taylor.
He wouldn’t really let it show, but I know the miscarriage and Natalie leaving have taken a huge toll on him. When I’m this close to falling apart myself, he’s the first person that springs to mind. He may not have offered me any comfort lately, he may even be part of what’s causing me all this pain, but I can’t help thinking of him now. He’s the one person who might understand, just a little bit, what I’m going through.
Once Kate and the kids are gone, I make up my mind that I’m going to go see Taylor. I wonder if he’s already heard the news through the Hanson grapevine. That’s a good enough excuse as any to go see him, I decide – to see if he’s heard, and if not, to let him hear it from me first.
I know I look like hell – I’m surprised Kate didn’t comment on it – but I’m so far past caring about impressing Taylor that I do little more than run a brush through my still damp hair before leaving the house. The drive to his house passes quickly; I’m so determined to be near him that it’s all I can think about and I barely even notice the streets and houses that I pass by. I arrive at his door like I transported there, with absolutely no memory of the trip that brought me to it.
Taylor answers the door looking harried and holding a dish towel, and that’s when I remember that he still has all four kids with him. I suddenly feel stupid for intruding when he’s obviously too busy to deal with my problems. My voice and resolution leave me completely, and I end up just standing on his doorstep, rocking back and forth on my heels.
“Yeah?” Taylor finally says.
“I umm… well, I just… umm, Kate and I are getting a divorce.”
Taylor blinks. He doesn’t really look surprised, but I’m so bad at reading his emotions that I’m not sure what he does look.
“Oh,” he says. “You, umm, you wanna come in?”
“Yeah, I guess,” I reply, squeezing past him as he steps only a little bit to the side to let me pass.
When the hell did Taylor and I get this awkward? This isn’t how things should be the morning after our first time together, but then, our first time shouldn’t have been the way it was. I’m not even sure which of us to blame for that now. Taylor was drunk, after all, and I was just a fuckup as usual. Maybe we’re both to blame, but it feels like it was mostly me.
Taylor escorts me into the kitchen and hands me a beer without even asking if I wanted one. I should probably be worried about this new tendency of his to drink in the middle of the day, but right now, I need that beer too much to criticize him for it. I take a few long drinks of it, wondering if Taylor is just going to get me drunk and not even speak to me. Finally, he sighs and looks me up and down, as if he’s considering his words carefully.
“Look, Zac… last night was…” He sighs again and shakes his head. “It was just kind of crazy.”
I want to ask him if he meant good crazy or bad crazy, but I’m afraid of what his answer might be.
He shakes his head again and almost smiles. “Nevermind. It was just… whatever it was.”
“Yeah,” I manage to choke out. “Whatever it was.”
“Maybe this is for the best,” he says and I must make a really strange face, because he quickly adds, “I mean, you and Kate Maybe it’s for the best that you guys are getting divorced.”
“Yeah, maybe.”
Taylor reaches out a hand, at first just touching my arm gently, but seconds later, he pulls me into an awkward hug. I nearly spill my beer on the two of us, all balance and poise leaving me as we embrace. Taylor sighs into my hair and presses a soft kiss to my forehead.
“You’re gonna be okay,” he says.
I want to believe him. I really do. But I can’t help the nagging feeling that something about all of this definitely isn’t okay. Even hugging him right now doesn’t feel right. I wonder if he can feel it too. I try to let myself relax into it, though, to enjoy finally being with Taylor. It’s what I’ve always wanted, isn’t it?