Long Day
With me there to distract the older kids and the younger kids down for their afternoon naps, Taylor feels much more confident in his ability to cook us all dinner without burning the house down. I don’t doubt his ability at all. His cooking is the one of the few things he’s modest about, but I happen to think it’s also one of the things he’s best at.
It’s impossible to reach a consensus with six kids, so I’m not even sure what Taylor has decided to cook. I’m too busy helping Penny defend her Barbie castle against Ezra and River’s light sabers and Junia’s attempts to chew everything in sight to really worry about dinner, anyway. I’m sure Taylor can handle it.
When he finally calls us all to the kitchen, I see that he’s managed to lay out an absolute feast for us. Mashed potatoes, peas, macaroni and cheese and fried chicken. How he managed to cook all of that himself when he burned one grilled cheese at lunch is a mystery that may never be solved. Like so many things about Taylor, I suppose, it just makes no damn sense. I’m not surprised at all to see him pulling a huge pan of fluffy yeast rolls out of the oven
just as I walk into the room with Junia and Penny.
The boys all follow closely behind me, and soon we’re all sitting down at the table like a normal family. It’s funny how I feel more comfortable here with Taylor and his kids than I do basically anywhere else. Maybe it’s because I’m used to a huge, noisy family. Maybe – and this is the more likely option – it’s just because I’m with Taylor.
I don’t like getting so sappy over him, but it seems to just keep happening. There was a time when I would have sworn that what I felt for him was just lust. Or, if it was more than that, it was just a stupid, childish crush. It was definitely wasn’t love – at least, not any sort of love other than the sort you were supposed to feel for your brother.
Now, I’m not so sure.
I try not to think about that very much, because I don’t think it’s really good for my appetite. And this dinner looks amazing. It may be pretty simple, kid-friendly food, but I don’t care. Like I told Taylor, I never really stopped being a kid. I pile my plate high with heaping helpings of everything and graciously accept the second beer that Taylor offers me. It’s been hours since the first, so I highly doubt I’ll be even a little bit buzzed.
Dinner is full of so much chatter from all of the kids that once again, Taylor and I barely to get to speak a word to each other. That’s okay, though. Our silence, even if its surrounded by noise, is kind of enjoyable. The less we talk, the less we do, the happier I seem to be. There’s nothing getting in the way of us just existing together in the same space. It’s easy to pretend that things are simple, and not really weird and kind of fucked up, when we’re just together like this.
Neither one of us has said a word about the lost baby today. I wonder if the kids really even understand what happened. Ezra and Penny might be old enough to grasp the concept, but I’m not sure that the youngest ones would really understand. But who knows. Kids are a lot smarter and more perceptive than we give them credit for. They must be wondering where their mom is, at least.
It isn’t long before we’ve all demolished the entire dinner, leaving nothing in our wake but empty plates. Taylor and I both look utterly exhausted, leaning way back in our chairs and nursing the last few sips of our beers, but the kids are somehow still full of energy.
“Can we go outside and play?” River asks.
Taylor eyes him for a moment, probably trying to decide if he’s plotting some new way of getting himself into trouble. Eventually, with all the other kids joining in the begging, Taylor relents. “Yeah, alright. I guess you can play outside for an hour or so before you’ve got to get ready for bed. And Uncle Zac probably has to go home…”
He says the last part like he really doesn’t want me to, but I think we both know that I didn’t come over here prepared to spend the night. I wish I had, though. I’m just not that good at thinking ahead.
The kids don’t seem a bit deterred by the knowledge that they only have an hour outside or that their favorite uncle is leaving soon. Nope, not at all. They’re up and running for the door as soon as Taylor says the magic words – “yeah, alright” – their dinner dishes completely forgotten and abandoned on the table. Taylor glances at the mess and shakes his head.
“I’ll clean this up,” he says. “You go on out there and keep an eye on them, alright?”
“Sure,” I reply.
I hoist Junia up out of the high chair and balance her on my hip while I glance through the refrigerator for something that isn’t alcoholic or a kiddy drink. After a second, I manage to locate an iced tea. I’m surprised Natalie will even allow the canned stuff in her house; it can’t possibly be authentically southern, but here it is. I have to admit, I like this stuff better than the homemade, overly sugary version she and Kate insist on anyway. So, with my tea in one hand and my daughter in the other, I make my way outside to make sure none of our children have managed to injure themselves yet.
There’s a comfy looking deck chair that seems to have a nice view of the whole lawn, so I decide to claim it for myself. I let Junia go and soon she’s running off to chase after Penny. I know Penny doesn’t really love having a toddler mimicking her every move, but as the only two girls in the family, they do kind of have a bond. She lifts Junia up into the baby swing and pushes her, while the boys appear to be chasing each other in circles around a tree, armed once again with light sabers. As long as they’re happy, and they seem to be for now, I can just sit here and relax.
I sit out there for a long time, just watching our kids run around and play, before I finally hear the sliding door open again. For a brief moment, the loud sound of a dishwasher catches my ear, and then the door slides back into place again. From the corner of my eye, I see Taylor sliding another deck chair close to mine – so close that they actually bump against each other – and flop down onto it.
“Having fun?” He asks, a tiny smirk crossing his face.
“I guess,” I reply. “I think I was about to fall asleep, actually. Not that they’re boring to watch, but…”
“But it’s been a long day, yeah,” Taylor finishes for me.
That’s an understatement. It’s probably not even half of what Taylor really feels, but sometimes he’s not really the drama queen that he seems. Sometimes he bottles everything up so that you’d have no clue anything at all was wrong with him.
“Yeah,” I reply, nodding. “It has been. We got through it, though.”
“Only because you were here,” he says, sliding his hand over to rest it on my leg.
It’s a risky move, and I can feel myself blushing and my heart beating faster. I glance around at our kids. Of course none of them have noticed. We’re safely secluded on the deck, and they’re too busy having fun in the summer evening heat to care what their dads are doing. Still, it’s really, really risky. That doesn’t mean I’m going to stop him, though.
He doesn’t stop there, of course. He runs his fingers up and down my thigh like playing a piano. I make myself as still as possible and focus on the feeling to see if I can tell what melody he’s trying to play. I can’t. Maybe it’s nothing at all, just something he’s making up on the spot. Whatever it is, it’s my new favorite song.
“Tay…” I gasp out, not even planning to say it. I hope it doesn’t ruin this moment we’re sharing.
It doesn’t, as far as I can tell. Taylor continues playing his little melody on my thigh, finally coming to a rest on my inner thigh, dangerously close to my dick. I’m a little embarrassed to let him see how much of an effect he’s had on me with just a few fingers, but if he keeps going, he’s going to see – well, feel – it pretty soon.
Taylor sighs, his fingers just teasing me, not even really touching me there at all. “I wish you could spend the night…”
“I wish I could, too,” I admit. “Maybe tomorrow? Or the next night? We’ve got time…”
Although, to be honest, with Taylor touching me like that, I’m having trouble remembering why I can’t spend the night. Oh, right. I didn’t bring pajamas or anything for the kids. It’s a pretty flimsy excuse, but I know Junia can’t sleep without her favorite stuffed rabbit. I might be a horrible person, but I’m not going to force her to spend a sleepless night here just so that I can do sinful things with her uncle. I do have some morals after all, it seems.
“Mmm, aren’t Ang and Johnny having another barbecue tomorrow night?” Taylor asks.
“Oh… yeah, I think so,” I reply. It appears I’m having trouble remembering anything right now, and Taylor’s barely touching me at all. I’m pathetic.
“I don’t think I want to go,” Tay says. “Maybe we can pawn the kids off on Mom and Dad and just… spend a night in together?”
It’s tempting to give in to him. Really, really tempting. He’s still barely touching me at all, but I’m coming undone anyway. Still, I know that he’s really just looking for an excuse to stay inside and avoid the world. And while that might be what he wants to do, it isn’t what will ultimately make him feel better. I didn’t get the chance to stay inside and mourn after Kate’s miscarriages, but in the end, having to go on and play concerts helped me to move on.
“Or,” I say, “we could pawn the kids off on Mom and Dad and go get ridiculously drunk with our friends.”
Taylor sighs and his hand pauses on my leg. I fear he’s going to stop entirely and push me away or something, but he doesn’t. After seeming to consider my statement for a moment, he finally says, “Yeah, okay. I guess. But I know you. You’ll get stoned. I’ll get drunk.”
“Whichever,” I reply with a shrug. “Point is, it won’t kill us to go out, get fucked up, and enjoy some other people’s company.”
“Alright… but just this once.”
I give him a nod, but it isn’t a promise. This is just the beginning. Just one day. He’ll have to leave the house for more than just this one party, but we can work our way up to that. For now, he can’t leave very much, anyway, not while we’re both still trying to juggle all our kids without any help. But one party is a tiny, baby step in the right direction.
“It’s getting kind of late,” he remarks.
I glance around, and realize that it has gotten dark all around us. When did that happen? Has it been an hour? The way Taylor scowls at his cell phone when he pulls it out to check the time tells me that it probably has.
“Alright, kids,” he calls out loudly. “Time to go inside! You can watch a little tv, but then you’ve all gotta get in bed.”
There are groans all around, but reluctantly the kids start shuffling toward the door. Most of them, anyway. I walk across the lawn to help Penny remove Junia from the swing, and pull a light saber out of River’s hand just before it connects with Viggo’s head. With the two of us working together, Taylor and I somehow manage to herd the kids inside. I’ve never felt like more a sheep dog in my life.
Once his kids are planted in front of the television, Taylor walks out to my truck with me. He helps me buckle Junia into the carseat, because that seems to be a skill I have never picked up, and assures Shep that he will get to come back and visit soon. Finally, it’s just the two of us standing outside the truck, with the doors shut and no kids bugging us.
Taylor stuffs his hands in his pockets and stares at his feet for a moment. “Like I said… thanks for coming over.”
“It’s no problem,” I reply. “You know you just have to ask and I’ll do anything.”
There it is. It may not be the first time I’ve said it, but from the look on Taylor’s face as he nods, I think it’s the first time he’s truly understood what I meant. It doesn’t really change anything between us, but it does feel like a big deal to have the words actually hanging in the air around us.
“Well… I’ll see you tomorrow night,” I say, trying to find a way to end this moment before it turns into something the kids don’t need to see.
“Yeah, I’ll see you,” Taylor replies.
He looks like he wants to hug me or kiss me or something, but he doesn’t. He just turns and walks back into his house, leaving me standing there in the driveway like an idiot. Somehow, even though I’m the one leaving, it still feels like Taylor’s leaving me.