More Matter, With Less Art
“You and Donovan were totally on last night!” Whitley gushed, sipping on her lemonade. She, Justine and myself were enjoying a dinner alone, for once. It was strange how our boys had gone missing – I was pretty sure Evan had homework, but I had no clue where Zac was. I had to laugh at myself for thinking of them as our boys. Evan didn’t fit in our group, really, but as Zac’s roommate he often found himself hanging out with us nerds anyway. And Zac? Well, he was just Zac. And right then, that was far more than enough.
I smirked. “Funny you should say that. We had a huge fight yesterday afternoon. Apparently he thought we were more serious than I did, and he’s all jealous about stuff with Zac.”
“I’d be jealous about your stuff with Zac if I were him,” Justine said, twirling a noodle around her plastic chopsticks.
“Okay, okay. What I’m saying, though, is that Donovan had no right to be so jealous when I wasn’t even aware that I was supposed to be his girlfriend,” I replied.
Whitley nodded. “I told you that boy was sketchy. He is just so hot and cold, you never know what to expect from him. He really is a decent guy though, just… eccentric.”
“Ha, that’s a word for it,” I said, laughing, “Either way, I think we are totally over now.”
“Totally over? Are you sure?” Justine repeated.
“I don’t know. I really, really don’t know. I didn’t know what else to say! I know it’s going to be hell on the show. But it seemed to work out pretty well last night,” I replied, shrugging my shoulders.
“So I guess you’re out of a date for the homecoming dance,” Whitley remarked.
I rolled my eyes. “I’m not sure I was ever into one in the first place. He might have wanted it to be official, but Donovan sure wasn’t putting much effort in.”
“What about Zac?” Justine offered.
“What about him?” I asked. “I couldn’t tell you what about that boy if I tried. He’s so strange. I guess I could ask him, though. Somehow I don’t think he’s going to ask me – or, if he did, he’d manage to twist it into some insult about Donovan.”
The girls laughed a little at that, but their laughter stopped awkwardly and abruptly. I wasn’t sure why until I turned my head to follow their stares. Then I saw it. Zac, walking into the cafeteria with that little blonde thing from the party glued to his side. I felt the blood rush to my face so distinctly that I briefly imagined myself looking like a cartoon character, heat rising through their body like a thermometer until steam burst through the top of their head.
I was so angry that I hardly even realized they were walking straight for our table. As they got close enough to see the looks on our faces, I concentrated all my energy on relaxing. I could do this. I could handle this. I was an actress! If there was anything I could do, it was pretend that I wasn’t jealous.
As soon as the word jealous crept into my mind, I knew that I wouldn’t be okay. No amount of training could allow me to act like everything was okay when I was suddenly confronted with the reality of how I felt about Zac.
“Hey guys,” Zac said, and I thought he seemed entirely too proud of himself. “This is –”
“Christin,” Whitley and I both said at the same time. I blanched, but Whitley mercifully covered for me. “We know her from theatre. Sorry you didn’t get a part in this one, hun.”
I thought I heard a little bit of acidity beneath Whitley’s sweet words, but I couldn’t be sure. It seemed everyone was a better actor than me these days. Christin’s lip twitched a little bit, like she was biting back an equally sweet-but-sour remark, but the movement was so subtle that I doubt anyone else noticed. Within an instant, she had plastered on a fake smile. “Oh, I’m sure I’ll do better next semester. You guys don’t mind if we sit here, do you?”
It took all of my strength to keep my jaw from hitting the floor. We? They were a we? Everyone else murmured their consent while I stared dumbly, unable to believe that some girl I barely knew outside of class wanted to know if it was okay for my best friend to have dinner with me. Although, at that particular point in time, the honest answer would have been that it was very not okay for Zac to sit there.
But, of course, I couldn’t say that. Instead, I pulled my lips together tightly to keep any of my angry thoughts from tumbling out, and watched as Zac and Christin walked away, arm in arm, to get their dinner.
Once they were out of earshot, Whitley let out a huge laugh. “What the fuck was that?”
“That was yet another reason why I am not asking Zac to the homecoming dance,” I replied.
“She’s an actress?” Justine asked. “I figured he found her at a pep rally or something.”
Whitley laughed again. “Oh, she’s an actress all right. She’s not bad at it, either, which just makes her all the more infuriating. You know those overachieving types who just have to do every extra-curricular, and they’re better than you at all of them, too? Well, that’s Christin.”
“And she still finds time to party,” I threw in.
I could see Justine’s eyes light up as she made the connection, but Whitley stared blankly at me. “I guess I didn’t tell you. I saw Zac making out with Christin at the party last weekend. I don’t even know if he knows that I saw them. It’s none of my business, really, so I haven’t asked him about it.”
“If he’s going to bring her around here, then it’s all of our business,” Whitley replied.
“Why do you dislike her so much? I know why I do, but what’s your reasoning? Besides all the stuff you already said.”
Whitley shrugged. “It isn’t really. She just rubs me the wrong way. And she is so not good enough for Zac – even if she is little Mrs. Perfect.”
I thought it was kind of funny that Whitley seemed so personally invested in Zac’s choice of girlfriend – or whatever this girl was. I should have been the one freaking out about it. Truth be told, I was only barely holding myself together. My temperature rose even further when I saw them walking back toward our table, laughing at some joke I was sure Zac must have told her. I couldn’t help the thought in the back of my head, screaming that I should be the one by his side, not her.
Of course the only empty chairs were on my side of the table. Zac sat down right next to me, and Christin on his other side. I almost laughed out loud at the ridiculous picture we must have made. But I couldn’t laugh. Zac said something to me, but I was so angry that I couldn’t hear a word of it. My ears were filled with static and I could only shake my head while Zac stared at me incredulously.
“I’m sorry, guys. I need to get out of here. Homework.” It was a lie, of course, but I had to say something. I didn’t look back at the table once I gathered my things and left.
Once I reached the lobby, where it was quieter and the static in my head dissipated a little, I heard Zac calling after me. I didn’t turn around. Still, there was a part of me that felt a sense of smug satisfaction that he had run out on Christin to check on me. But I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of knowing that he could win back my favor that easily. I tuned out his voice and stomped on back to my dorm.
Yes, I was causing a scene. But I figured I’d earned the right to be a little dramatic. What’s the point of studying drama if you can’t cause a little of it every now and then?
I didn’t really know what to do with myself once I stormed off. So I sheepishly walked into Johnson Hall and took the elevator back to my room. I slammed and locked the door behind me, just for emphasis. With no other plan, I decided to do exactly what I’d said – I pulled out my script and ran through my lines. I was pretty sure I had them down, but I figured a little extra practice was always good, especially since the show was opening soon.
I honestly didn’t know if I was expecting Zac to follow me all the way, or if I thought he would give up and go back to Christin. I should have known he would follow me. I was still flipping through the first act looking for my first lines when a knock came at the door, and I knew immediately it had to be him.
“Toria. Let me in.”
Yup, it was him.
With a loud sigh that I hoped he heard, I flipped the lock and flung the door open. “What do you want, Zac?”
“Lots of things, but right at the moment, I’d like to know why you just stormed out of the cafeteria, and why your friends looked like they were trying to kill me with their eyes.”
I rolled my eyes and walked away, leaving him standing in the door. I couldn’t believe he had chased me all that way with no clue why. Was he really that stupid? I didn’t think so. I realized he just wanted to hear me say it. I wasn’t going to give him that satisfaction.
“Toria. Answer me. What did I do?”
Unfortunately, he knew I couldn’t stay quiet for long, even if I wanted to. I spun around to face him. “Would you like the entire enumerated list or just the highlights?”
“I’ll settle for the highlights.”
“Figures. Don’t want to take too much time out of your date to deal with me.”
He opened his mouth, probably to say it wasn’t a date, but slammed it shut again without saying a word. I guess he decided to save himself the trouble of lying. I waited to see if he was going to say anything, but he stayed quiet, so I forged on. “Okay. Let’s see… well, let’s start with how jealous you always act of Donovan. Then that whole business about kissing me yesterday morning. Did you even bother to tell your new girlfriend about spending the night in my bed? And that – that’s probably the worst part. In just over twenty-four hours, you’ve gone from trying to have your way with me to bringing this girl to our dinner table. Like nothing happened at all with me.”
“Are you done?” he asked.
“I haven’t decided yet,” I said, still feeling anger boiling in my blood. “I would like to ask how long this has been going on between the two of you. Did it start at the party or before that, and you just neglected to tell me about it? I guess you couldn’t find the time to mention her, what with all the time your tongue was doing down my throat, too.”
Zac stood unnaturally still and silent during my entire rant, and it really unnerved me. I had no idea what he was thinking, and he didn’t seem inclined to answer any of my questions.
“Well?”
“I think you asked more questions than you gave explanations,” he finally said. “And I don’t know why I owe you so many answers. I may not have been all that patient, but damn it, I’ve been right here this whole time. So forgive me if I’m starting to realize you’re never coming around to me.”
“I don’t even know what you’re trying to say right now.”
He sighed. “I’m not dating Christin, okay? To be honest, I hardly remember making out with her, but evidently she remembered me. But it shouldn’t matter what, or who, I do. You’ve got Donovan.”
The laughter I had been holding in all evening, the laughter over just how absurd this entire situation was, finally came tumbling out of my mouth. “No, I really don’t have him. If you’d been a little more patient, and not thrown yourself at Theatre Barbie, you might have known. I broke up with him yesterday, okay? Is that what you wanted?”
“I’m not really sure I’m the one who needs to figure out what they want.”
I winced. He was right. Everyone kept telling me to figure out which one of them I wanted. I knew now that it wasn’t Donovan, but I didn’t like the side of Zac I had seen that evening. His jealous side. I was certain my jealous side wasn’t any more attractive, though. The whole situation just frustrated and embarrassed me, and I couldn’t take any more of it. I hated for Zac to see me so emotional, especially when he was the cause.
“Can you just leave?” I phrased it as a question, but I shoved him toward the door as I asked it.
“Fine. Fine,” he said, as I backed him into the doorway “But this isn’t over. You know that. I might be impatient, but I’m still waiting.”