The Very Ecstasy of Love
I stared at Zac in shock. I couldn’t believe what I had just said. Or the realization that had struck me. I didn’t even have the strength to stammer, so I sat slack-jawed and wide-eyed, hoping he would say something.
He didn’t speak.
He grabbed my shoulders and pulled me to him, crushing our lips together in another kiss. This time I didn’t fight back. I couldn’t fight back. He wrapped his arms around me and I raised mine up to cradle his head, tangling my fingers in his shaggy hair. A tiny moan escaped my lips as Zac slid his tongue across them slowly, then applied a little pressure to part them. His tongue slipped inside my mouth and I could taste the fruity sweetness of bubblegum.
I wanted to be closer to him. Our tongues intertwined, desperate and searching. I climbed into his lap, tangling my legs around his, just to close the gap between us. Our bodies were touching all over. For a moment I forgot that I had taken off the tights I had worn under my dress earlier in the day. Zac’s hand sliding up my bare thigh was a sudden reminder of how exposed I was.
Pulling back from the kiss, I gasped. “Zac… we should…”
But I couldn’t finish the statement.
He pushed aside the drawing pad, pencils and erasers scattered around us in the floor and wrapped his arms around me again, pulling me down to the floor, his body on top of mine. His lips found mine again and his hand continued up my thigh. His hands were rough and calloused but I liked the contrast, the way they felt against my skin. My entire body seemed to tingle, yet he was hardly doing anything at all. I thought I might die from the pleasure of it all even before he had done anything to truly warrant that feeling.
He pulled back from my lips and kissed his way down my jawline, his lips finding my neck and suckling on a spot just above my collarbone as his hand crept onto my bare hip, his fingernails digging into my skin. His other hand slipped up my side to caress my right breast through my clothes, grasping desperately at the fabric like he was trying to feel all the way through it.
“Ohh, Zac…” I gasped out. I couldn’t articulate all the other thoughts I wanted to express. A million words tumbled around in my mind but no one of them seemed to make sense. I couldn’t even be sure they were all words and not just senseless collections of letters, none of which could capture the way his hands were making me feel.
I slid my hand up his shirt, pressing my fingers into his back, as I arched my own against him. I gasped again and kissed the side of his face, prompting him to turn his head and crush his lips against mine. This time, his tongue wasted no time sliding between my lips, probing my mouth. He ran his tongue across my teeth, then nibbled on my bottom lip.
Almost instinctively, without my mind playing any part in the matter, my legs wrapped around Zac’s and urged him even closer to me. It was as though our bodies couldn’t get close enough, couldn’t touch enough to satisfy our need. A need that I hadn’t even realized existed until I gave in to it and let my instinct take over. Zac trailed his hand down my side, then tangled it in the hem of my skirt and began pulling the fabric up, revealing more and more of my body. I was glad that the lights were low; I imagined that the lamp light shining down on my body looked like a stage light, warm and low, bathing us both in the perfect soft glow. Zac certainly looked beautiful in that light. One hand pushing up my skirt, he slipped his other hand between my legs, caressing the front of my panties. I knew he could feel that I was getting wet.
It was in that moment that the spell was broken. The gravity of everything seemed to drag us back down to earth and we were crushed under the weight of how wrong it all was. I felt myself drawing inward, wanting to sink into the plush rug I was lying on, the one Justine and I had scoured countless stores to find. Zac scrambled back across the rug, away from me, and I hurriedly pulled my dress back down and over my knees, curling my body up into a little ball.
For several minutes we sat like this, neither one sure what to say. I could still taste him in my mouth, fresh and sweet. And that boy smell. I always think that’s cheesy, but boys just have that smell. Like soap, shampoo and some expensive cologne they wouldn’t admit to owning. It would take an extra long shower to rid myself of all the reminders of Zac’s body on mine.
“We shouldn’t have,” Zac finally spoke. It wasn’t really a complete statement, but I knew what he meant.
I nodded. “We should just forget that that ever… just forget it. I’m just… and there’s Donovan.”
It would appear that all of my verbosity had departed me, leaving me a huddled, stuttering and pathetic mess in my floor. I felt ridiculous and I imagined that I looked it too. Suddenly and irrationally I loathed that lamp and the stupid light it cast on us.
Zac nodded his head dumbly and began gathering up his scattered art supplies. He shoved them haphazardly into his backpack, hardly even looking. His eyes stared off into the distance, not really looking at me or anything else in the room. I hoped he hadn’t wrinkled the drawing or anything else important in his carelessness.
“I’m just going to… I’ll see you…” Zac mumbled, his words trailing off before he had completed a single thought. But that wasn’t true. His thoughts were complete, and I imagined, just as demanding and frustrating as mine.
Maybe.
Okay, I had no idea what he was thinking. On the surface, we seemed to agree about this. It shouldn’t have happened and should never be spoken of again. If anyone asked, not that they would, I would lie and say I didn’t want it. That I didn’t need his touch like I couldn’t remember ever needing anything before. Because I shouldn’t want it. I shouldn’t need it. I had another perfectly good boy doting on me and no need to muddle everything by messing around with Zac. That’s all there was to it.
Right?
Right.
And if it wasn’t true, I could at least tell it to myself enough to make myself believe the lie. I could believe anything if I tried hard enough. I could play any part I needed to. And the part of a girl dating her co-star and cheating on him was not a part I wanted. I would play the perfect girlfriend to Donovan, and it would only be a minor challenge.
How did I get myself into this mess?
Zac finished gathering his things and turned to leave. He walked out of the room hurriedly, barely even looking at me. His eyes were still distant and cloudy like he was caught in some intricate daydream. I wanted to be inside his mind and know his thoughts, but at the same time, I was afraid to know what he really felt.
When the door slammed behind him, it seemed to reverberate through the entire room, maybe the entire dorm, and certainly underneath my skin. I collapsed onto the floor, feeling all the strength gone out of my limbs. I imagined that I looked as much like a rag doll as I felt, tossed aside and forgotten.
I don’t know how long I lay in the floor on the verge of catatonia, but I suppose it must not have been as long as I thought. A knock at the door gave me a jolt and I felt my heart jump but limbs would not do the same.
Justine’s voice rang out. “I finally finished my project! It’s not perfect, but it’ll do.”
I mumbled something that I hoped sounded happy enough, even if it didn’t contain any actual words.
“What’s wrong?”
Looking up, I saw Justine standing above me, a rolled up drawing in her hand and her head cocked to the side. She looked genuinely concerned but I had no words to offer her that would explain the situation at all.
“I saw Zac outside,” she forged on. “He didn’t look good, but he said he finished his project too. Why are the lights off? Seriously, are you okay?”
The onslaught of questions was too much for me. I covered my face with my hands and groaned loudly. Peeping out from between my fingers, I looked up at Justine once again. “I couldn’t explain it if I tried. Really. You don’t want to know. We should clean this rug.”
The next day I sat next to Zac in class. I mentally debated with myself about it when I walked into the classroom and saw him. He looked up from his desk and smiled at me. That smile would always win me over. So I sat with him. He leaned closer to me, as close as the theater seating would allow, and slid his hand onto my thigh. The gesture was simple but it sent a chill up my spine, the kind of chill that you don’t really mind feeling but is nonetheless disconcerting and unnerving. His face betrayed nothing. No emotion at all. It was just a friendly gesture, I supposed.
And that was it. Things were, to the best of their ability, back to normal.
We parted ways after that class, but I found him again in the food court later that day. He was sitting in the corner where I usually liked to sit, so I couldn’t have avoided him if I had wanted to. And truthfully by that point, I didn’t want to. I really wanted to just be his friend like before all this bullshit had happened. After buying myself a teriyaki bowl, I plopped down at the table next to him. He was munching on a gigantic slice of pizza and barely even looked up from his food to acknowledge me. Somehow that didn’t bother me. That lack of special treatment was exactly what I wanted from him.
Several minutes passed by in silence, and I wished for something to say that would make that silence feel a little bit more comfortable. I couldn’t think of anything. Then I saw him. Donovan, striding confidently as always, toward our table. For a moment I thought I saw a hint of hesitation in his eyes, when he glanced at Zac, but it passed quickly.
“Victoria… I haven’t heard from you for a few days,” Donovan said, his hands coming to rest on the edge of the table.
I bit my lip, trying to find the appropriate lie. “I’ve been busy with classes.”
He nodded, evidently accepting that. “Well I was hoping we could maybe get together after rehearsal tonight. At Starbucks? Just to chat a little, you know.”
I knew exactly what he meant. And I didn’t want it.
“Sure, I don’t think I’m called tonight so I won’t be at rehearsal, but I can take a break from homework to meet you over there.”
Even as the words came out of my mouth, I regretted them. I could see Donovan’s eyes boring into me, and Zac’s gaze on the other side burning into me. I wanted to sink below the table, into the ground. To disappear completely so that I would have neither of them pushing their expectations onto me. But that wasn’t possible.
Donovan smiled through whatever other emotions his eyes were threatening to reveal. “Great. I can be there around 10, I think. I’ll see you then?”
I nodded and offered him my best fake smile. “Yup, I’ll be there.”
“Great,” he repeated, then turned and walked away. For a moment, I feared he would turn back and give me another lingering glance, like in those cheesy movies. But to my relief, he didn’t.
I looked down at my rice and vegetables, but they had lost all their appeal. Reluctantly, I turned my head to Zac. He did not look back; instead, he stared mutely at his pizza.
“Zac…”
His head snapped up quickly and for a moment I was afraid of what he might say. I really didn’t know what I could say to him. There were no words that would make things better. He stared at me, still looking like he might speak.
But he did not.
Without a word, his lips sealed tightly, he picked up his plate and stood up.
I gaped. “Don’t do this. This is not fucking necessary.”
He still did not speak. In fact, he didn’t look like he had even heard my words at all. With his plate in hand, he walked away from the table. I watched his retreating form, wishing I had been able to say something else to him. Anything else. But I didn’t think it would have helped.