The Whirlwind of Passion
There was only the slightest chill in the air when we left the dorm and set off toward the party Friday night. Whitley had no trouble convincing Taylor to join us, and they skipped merrily down the street together. She knew the way to Kelsey’s house already, so Zac and I followed behind her. His house was, as I had heard her say several times, only a short walk from campus, but I was still glad to know I would have Zac with me for the inevitable late night stumble back to campus.
As it turned out, Whitley was right. I hadn’t kept count, but it seemed like we had only walked about ten or fifteen minutes when we arrived at the house. It was just a few streets over from the campus but it felt like a completely different town. We were suddenly in a very residential area, standing in front of an old red brick house that looked like it could have been around since the early days of Richmond. The muffled throb of some anonymous hip hop song filtered out of the house and into the street and I could see shadows moving behind the curtains. Whitley and Taylor, old veterans to college parties, had already gone bounding up the steps and into the din.
I looked up at Zac and he smiled back at me. He gave my hand a squeeze and said, “Well? Let’s get this party started. It’ll be fun, right?”
I nodded. After all, I had been to parties before. Sure, a college party would be different from a high school drama club party. But it wouldn’t be anything I couldn’t handle, I figured. I looked down and smoothed my tight t-shirt, adjusted my mini skirt and gave Zac another nod.
With a hesitant smile, I said, “Let’s do this thing.”
As we walked up the steps, he slowly let my hand slip out of his. I guess it made sense, knowing that we were walking into a party where my sort-of boyfriend would most definitely be. But I liked the comfort of having Zac by my side, at least for a while. He could let my hand go when I was with Donovan. As long as it was just he and I together, I wanted Zac as close to me as I could get him.
He reached over my head and pushed the door open and I was assaulted by the heat of the house and the thick smell of alcohol in the air. The music pounded at my ears, making my head swim even though I was still very sober.
Zac leaned in close to my ear and nearly yelled to be heard over the cacophony, “I think I see some guys from my floor. I’m gonna go hang out with them for a while. You’ll be okay alone, right?”
I nodded, figuring that was easier than trying to make my voice heard. With one last smile Zac turned away from me and waved his arm in the air, in the direction of a group of guys clustered around the fireplace. I saw one guy wave back and Zac walked away.
So that was it. All alone, at my first college party. I almost laughed out loud, realizing the irony in thinking I was alone in a room full of people. Many of them did look familiar and I knew a few of their names – other actors and members of the play’s technical crew, and various other members of the numerous arts programs at the university.
I stood in place for a moment, just taking in the scene all around me. A group of people gathered on a couch to my left were engaged in a very intense card game that I assumed involved alcohol in some way. All around the room were couples and clusters of people doing what I supposed passed for dancing, but mostly just looked like wobbling and occasional gyrating. No one was following the same beat, and I didn’t think any of them were anywhere near the actual beat of the song, which I thought was pretty impressive for a party that likely contained many musicians.
After a few minutes of people watching, I realized that I must look rather silly just standing still in the middle of it, and decided to head for the kitchen. It was at least a little less crowded in there and I could breathe much easier. The lighting was a little bit brighter as well, but only just enough to make sure that everyone could pour their drinks without too much spillage.
“Victoria! You made it!” Donovan’s voice called out, and I had to look around a while before I saw him emerging from a crowd of people in a hallway branching off the kitchen toward some other part of the house.
I found an open swatch of the kitchen counter and planted myself against it. “Yeah, I did. We didn’t know how to get here, so Whitley had to lead the way.”
The tiniest hint of anger flashed across his face, as I suppose he considered the implications of the word “we.” There wasn’t really any doubt as to who I could have been referring to. It wasn’t like I had that many friends aside from Whitley, Taylor, Justine and Zac. Thankfully, Donovan must have decided to ignore the obtuse reference to Zac.
“Have you had a drink yet? Want me to fix one for you?” He asked, walking to the fridge before I even had a chance to answer.
Donovan pulled out a bottle of something that looked like rum, but I couldn’t see the label, and another bottle of some sort of fruit juice. He turned to the counter next to me and fished through a cabinet for a plastic cup. He poured the two liquids into the cup and handed it to me, looking quite satisfied with his handiwork. I lifted the cup to my mouth and took a tiny sip, just to test the waters. Donovan had already turned back to the fridge to retrieve a beer.
With a second sip, I discovered that it was indeed rum – always my alcohol of choice at our little cast parties. The drink was very strong and I could tell that I would soon be very much not sober. Donovan turned back to me with a smile on his face and I took the chance to actually look at his face. His features were clouded over and I realized just how much he had had to drink. Something about his devotion to the theatre made him seem so serious and staid; I didn’t expect him to really be that much of a partier.
Then again, I supposed I wasn’t necessarily the type of person you would expect to see at a party, yet there I was. I relaxed against the counter, glad to have a solid surface to hold me up as I sipped on my drink.
“So is this what you guys do every weekend? It’s a nice place to party, I guess.”
Donovan nodded, setting down the beer can he had already managed to empty. “Yeah, Kelsey rents the place and a bunch of other guys from the theatre stay here too. We party almost every weekend like this. Sometimes it gets pretty wild, like this time. But it’s always fun no matter what, don’t you think?”
“I haven’t really been to a party like this before,” I replied, looking down into my rapidly emptying cup. “High school parties weren’t really like this. But I think I could get used to it.”
He reached a hand out and brushed a piece of my hair back off my face. A voice somewhere in the back of my mind commented on how much of a cheesy chick flick move that was, and I knew what was coming next. He wrapped his hand around the back of my head, the other hand sneaking its way onto my waist and pulling our bodies closer together. I had to quickly move my cup out of the way lest I spill my drink down his shirt. I closed my eyes and braced for Donovan’s kiss. He was sloppy, probably a side effect of the alcohol, and I tried to ignore the stale taste of beer in his mouth.
When his hand started to creep up my side, tugging at my shirt, I was thankful to hear a voice calling out his name. It saved me the trouble of having to push him away. Not that I didn’t want him to touch me, but it was just not the right time or place. Getting groped against the kitchen counter at a party? Not exactly what I had pictured when I thought about my first college boyfriend. If that’s even what he was.
“Donovan! Donny, hey! When did you get here?”
I tip-toed to look around him and saw some guy I didn’t know waving his arms around, sloshing beer all over the room, as he walked toward Donovan.
“Hey, Carter! I thought I said hey to you when I came in?” Donovan said, turning to face the other boy.
The boy, evidently named Carter, laughed loudly. “I don’t know, man. I don’t know. It’s good to see you. Did you know Layla is here? She came in for the weekend.”
I frowned, trying to remember where I had heard that name before. Maybe the other actors had mentioned her, someone who graduated the year before? I thought I saw a Donovan’s face tense a little, but he quickly turned it to one of the most fake smiles I’d ever seen.
“So who’s the chick, Donny?” Carter asked, giving Donovan one of those sleezy elbow nudges.
I fought the urge to roll my eyes at just how pathetic it was, and I looked up at Donovan instead. He looked down at me, then back at Carter, as though he were coming to some sort of decision. Finally, he wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me close to him.
“This is Victoria,” he replied. “My girlfriend.”
His words felt like a wave of hot water crashing down on me. I wondered if he felt me tremble, but he didn’t show any signs of reacting. His girlfriend? Was I? If that’s the way he wanted to think of me, I supposed I would let him. I didn’t know what else to do. I tried to focus, or at least look like I was focusing, on what the two boys were saying, but my head was spinning too quickly.
Donovan turned back to me and leaned in close to my ear. It was a little quieter in the kitchen so he didn’t need to raise his voice for me to hear. “I’m gonna go say hi to some people, but I’ll come back and find you later, babe.”
Something about his words, the way he slurred them or the underlying meaning that I knew was there but wanted to ignore, made me shiver. I wasn’t ready for this at all. He placed a wet kiss on my cheek and I felt my body relaxing a little even though my mind was still swimming. As Donovan walked away, I downed the rest of my drink in one gigantic gulp. I turned back to the counter and poured myself another one, this time with more rum. I took a big sip and was pleased to feel the soft burn of the liquor overpowering the orange pineapple sweetness of the juice.
The room had taken on a pleasing spin, assuring me that the alcohol was working its way through my system as it should. I stumbled out of the kitchen, deciding that it was time to do a little exploring. Maybe I could make a few new friends or get to know some of these people better. They were all the artsy types, so I was certain I’d be seeing a lot of them all during my college career. It was time to start making friends.
I turned the corner into the hallway, placing one hand against the wall to steady myself and gripping my cup in the other hand, doing my best not to tip it over. I stumbled my way down the hallway, just observing everything around me. There were several closed and likely locked doors, and I could only imagine what they contained. Everywhere I wandered through the house, I was greeted by smiling faces and looks of half-recognition.
“Victoria! I didn’t know you were coming!” a voice called out from somewhere on the landing of the second floor.
I swiveled around, trying to find the source, and finally pinpointed it to Cecily, the actress playing Gertrude. “Hey, I just got invited yesterday! It was kind of a surprise thing for me too.”
She squeezed past a few people I didn’t recognize. “Oh, who invited you? These parties are such a regular thing that I forget to ask the new people. Sorry, dear.”
“Oh don’t worry about it,” I replied, taking another swig of my drink. “Donovan invited me.”
Cecily nodded slowly and a small smile crept across her face. “Oh, he would. Sometimes I don’t know what we’re going to do with that boy.”
I tried to resist the urge to roll my eyes. How many times had I heard that comment or something similar to it? I didn’t know how to respond to it, especially not in my current condition. I looked down into my cup, hoping Cecily would say something else so I wouldn’t have to think of a response. It didn’t look like that was going to happen, so I just nodded and said, “Yeah, well… he seems like a nice guy, I guess.”
“Oh, he’s nice enough,” Cecily replied, that knowing smile still plastered across her face. “Well, I should go. I need a refill.”
I nodded, biting my lip. That had been exceedingly awkward, although I didn’t really think that was her intention. It seemed like no one realized what they were really implying when they made those statements about him. I was still staring into my cup, probably looking quite like it had just kicked my puppy. I took another large gulp of the drink, nearly spilling it when someone bumped into me.
“TORIA! I’m so sorry! I didn’t meant to do that,” Zac slurred, his hand coming to rest against my hair.
I relaxed a little, glad that it had been him and not some stranger who had bumped into me. “Hey, Zac. Are you having fun here?”
He grinned stupidly and I realized just how drunk he was. “Mmm, tons of fun. I’m so glad I found you, Tor. I feel like I haven’t seen you in years!”
“Zac, we’ve only been here for like an hour,” I replied, laughing softly. I shouldn’t have been so drunk after only such short a time, but my vision was blurring and my head felt full of static.
“I know, but I missed yoooouu! You’re my best friend,” Zac said, his words coming out in a slurred jumble.
He fell against my chest, giggling madly. I backed into the wall to keep my knees from buckling under the weight of his body. This only seemed to amuse Zac even more. His big warm hands clutched my waist and at first I thought it was only to help keep his balance, to keep the two of us from collapsing into one ridiculous heap of alcohol-laden limbs. I could see that he was leaning in close to me, his chest pressing tight against mine and his breath heavy on my cheek. But I couldn’t process the meaning of it. Not until I felt his lips against mine. They were soft and his kisses were almost gentle, nothing like Donovan’s. I felt myself relaxing against him, unable to resist it. His hands rested against my waist, pulling me even closer to him and I tangled my hands in his hair.
We bumped against the wall as Zac shifted to press his lips against my jawline. He laid soft but urgent kisses against my jaw and down onto my neck, drifting toward the neckline of my shirt. Barely, almost imperceptibly, he nipped at my throat, his teeth almost tickling my skin. He pulled back and laid his head down against my shoulder, nuzzling against the curve of my neck.
“Mmm, you’re my bestest friend ever,” he mumbled against my neck, his voice soft and low. His lips brushed against my skin as he spoke and it made me shiver a little.
I didn’t know what to do. It felt like all of Zac’s weight was pressing on me, holding me to the wall. Somehow, in a strange way, I was grateful for that. It kept me from toppling over, at least. I didn’t even try to understand what was happening. All I could be certain of was that he felt wonderful so close to me and that my drink was spilled on the floor, the rum and juice dripping on my feet. The party continued to move around us, bodies rushing by, not noticing us at all. And really, a couple making out against a wall wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. A couple. Making out. No. No. We weren’t either of those things, we couldn’t be.
Zac ran his fingers up my side, tickling my ribs. His hand came to rest just below my bra and he pressed his lips against mine again. I moaned a little as his tongue slid across my lips, gently but insistently parting them and slipping into my mouth. One of Zac’s hands started to play at the hem of my shirt, threatening to creep up my bare skin, and my knees felt turned to jello. I couldn’t breathe.
“Zac!” I heard Taylor’s voice call out. I had forgotten that one annoying thing about parties – every conversation or interaction would always get interrupted. Always.
Reluctantly, I pushed Zac away, and at first he seemed not to realize what was happening. He continued to place small kisses along the side of my mouth, his hands still tugging at my shirt.
“Zac, your brother…” I couldn’t think of how to end that sentence. How to acknowledge what we were doing, so I just let the words trail off and the thought hang in the air, unsaid. The elephant in the room.
“Hey Zac, Toria!” Taylor called out, slapping a hand on Zac’s shoulder. I could tell by the way he wobbled that he had been drinking quite a bit too. “How are you guys?”
Giggling, Zac leaned back against Taylor and replied, “I’m kinda drunk, Tay.”
“No shit,” Taylor said, laughing. “I’ll see you guys later, alright? I gotta go find Whitley.”
Taylor gave Zac another pat on the shoulder, then walked away. I wondered if he would tell anyone what he had seen of us, if anything at all. Maybe he had been too drunk to really care or notice.
Zac collapsed against me again, and nuzzled his face in my hair. “I think we should go back to the dorm… I may have had a drink too much to little. Umm…”
I giggled and squeezed his hand. “I think you may have. Am I gonna have to carry you back?”
“We’ll probably need to carry each other, but that isn’t really possible,” he said, laughing wildly and attempting to pick me up but ending up just tickling my sides and sending us nearly tumbling into the floor. I braced myself against the wall to avoid ending up in the puddle of rum that I had suddenly remembered.
“Okay, Zacky. Let’s get out of here,” I said, and wrapped my arm around him.
“Yes, ma’am,” he replied, offering me a mock salute and wrapping his arm around me as well.
We started down the stairs in a drunken version of lockstep, stumbling and doing our best to hold each other up. I thought we might have passed Donovan but I couldn’t be certain; neither my eyes nor my mind seemed able to focus on anything but Zac and the way it felt to be near him in that moment.
To be completely honest, the entire walk back to our dorm passed by in a blur of lights and traffic. I remember falling through the door into my room, thankful that Justine hadn’t locked it. Zac crossed the room in four large stumbles and collapsed onto my bed, attempting to wiggle out of his pants while laying face down on the mattress. With some difficulty, I unzipped and removed my skirt and pulled my top off, replacing it with a worn t-shirt plucked from the laundry basket.
Zac lay on the bed with his hands outstretched toward me and I briefly wondered how much of my unintended strip show he had seen. I shook my head to clear it of those thoughts and instead mused on how adorable he looked reaching out for me. I climbed into the bed next to him and curled up into his arms. He had somehow managed to remove his pants and I liked the feeling of our bare legs tangling together underneath the covers. I wanted to say something to him, anything at all. But I thought words might ruin the moment and when I looked up, I could see that he was already asleep, snoring softly against my forehead.