The Rest Is Silence
The only sounds were my pounding heart and Zac’s short, angry breaths. I couldn’t see a single thing and it took every bit of control I had to keep from screaming out loud. I glanced to my left, but it didn’t matter. Although I knew Zac was there, I couldn’t see him and I didn’t dare reach out to touch him.
“Toria? Are you okay?” He finally asked.
I nodded, then realized the stupidity of it. “Yeah, I’m okay… just a little scared, to be honest.”
“The storm must have knocked the power out,” he said. I could hear something rustling and feel him moving a little bit. A small light – coming from his cell phone, I realized – illuminated a spot just in front of him. “I’m going to call campus security. Maybe I can get through, if the cell towers didn’t go out, too.”
“Okay,” I replied, backing up carefully until I was leaning against the back of the elevator. Slowly, I let myself slide down to the floor.
None of this was going how I had planned it. I had Zac all to myself, but I couldn’t even find the words to speak to him. Who knew how long we might be stuck together in that elevator with tension so thick you could cut it with a knife?
“Okay, great,” Zac spoke into his phone. I could feel him sliding down the wall to sit next to me, his phone held out in front of him to shine a little tiny bit of light. “The backup generators should kick on soon, but it may take a while for the elevator to power up again.”
“So we’re stuck here for a while.”
“Yeah, but hopefully not for long,” he said. He fished around in his pocket for a second, then pulled out his key chain and turned on the small penlight attached to it. He placed it in the floor in front of us; it didn’t create a lot of light, but it helped.
“I guess I’m probably the last person you want to be stuck here with.”
He sighed. “I didn’t say that.”
“You didn’t really have to,” I replied, not even caring how pitiful and whiny I sounded. “You practically ran from me, you’ve been ignoring me for days…”
“Did you ever stop to think about why I might be doing all of that?”
I looked over at Zac, the penlight just barely illuminating his face, and I could see so much anger in his eyes, but also so much hurt. My resolve weakened, but only a little. “I’m not stupid, Zac. Maybe I’ve been acting dumb lately. I’ll concede that. But I get that I’ve upset you, okay?”
“You think?”
“Do you have be such a dick right now? I’m trying to seriously talk to you about this, and you’re just throwing everything I say back in my face.”
Zac rolled his eyes. “I’m sorry that I don’t have the patience to put up with you right now. But I just don’t, okay?”
“Well, I wish you would find just a little bit of patience,” I replied.
He sighed. “Okay. Fine. But not if you’re just going to accuse me again.”
“It’s not like you can get away from me right now anyway,” I pointed out.
“That’s true,” he said, smirking a little. “If I didn’t know any better, I would think you planned this.”
“Yes, because I love nothing more than being stuck in enclosed spaces with guys who are angry at me. I just love it.”
“Just say whatever it is you have to say, please? You’re as bad with the sarcasm as I am.”
I sighed, and tried to decide exactly where to begin. There just didn’t seem to be a good way to start, so I just said the first thing that came to mind. “Look, I get it. I do. I shouldn’t have asked you about Christin.”
“Because…?”
“Because I’m a fucking hypocrite, okay?” I said. “Isn’t that what you keep telling me? And you’re right. I was doing… whatever I was doing… with Donovan, and I didn’t have any right to treat you the way I did and then expect you not to be with whoever you wanted to be with, too.”
“You still don’t get it. You think you do, but you still can’t see the whole picture.”
“Then why don’t you explain it to me?”
Zac scooted away from me, as though I had actually punched him or something. I couldn’t see all of the emotions on his face, but I didn’t need to. His words said it all. “Okay. I’ll explain it. You act like I’ve wronged you so horribly, but what did I do? I kissed a girl. I was drunk, I was angry, and – oh yeah – I was single. Meanwhile, you couldn’t decide which boy you wanted to kiss, so you didn’t limit yourself to just one. And I may have been frustrated with you for that, but I never called you out for just how horrible it was.”
I stared at him – what I could see of him, at least – blankly. I was suddenly very glad for the power being out because it meant that Zac might not be able to see the tears welling up in my eyes. I knew he was right; I had had the very same revelations on my own. But to hear the words from him, with such venom in his voice, only made me feel worse. I took a deep breath just to steady myself and said, “I know that. I get it, okay? I don’t know how else I need to say it for you to get that I understand how horrible I was. What I did… what I did to you was so much worse than what you did. I know that.”
“Yet you still freaked out on me.”
“Yeah, I did,” I replied. “I can’t undo that, can I? I can’t undo any of the mistakes I’ve made. I freaked out because I’m an idiot. I thought that you… you…”
“That I what? That I was cheating on you?” He scoffed and shook his head. “You’re one to talk about someone cheating.”
“I didn’t – Zac, you kissed me. I’m not saying I didn’t have a part in it, but you started us down that path. And okay, fine, I did. I cheated on Donovan with you. Have you ever stopped to think about why I did?”
He didn’t say a word, but I could feel his eyes on me, waiting for me to continue.
“It’s because I wanted you more than I wanted him. I’m ashamed it took me so long to realize it, but that’s the truth. I’m not just… a cheater. I’m not like that.”
“And I’m not either,” Zac replied, his voice soft and low. “But you assumed I was, even though I never assumed that about you. But you didn’t give me a chance to explain any of that. You just jumped to the worst possible conclusions.”
Something in his voice, the sadness I suddenly realized was there, stopped me from replying. What could I say? But I didn’t have a chance to speak. A low hum started around us, and the lights flickered back on. The elevator gave a tiny lurch, then slowly began to rise again.
I blinked a few times to readjust to the light. When I opened my eyes again, I saw Zac looking off into the distance, away from me. His face was fixed with sadness – brows furrowed, lips pursed and his beautiful eyes glistening with tears. I nudged his shoulder so that he would look my way.
“Zac, I – I’m sorry. I really am.”
When he didn’t reply, only stared at me, I couldn’t help leaning up and kissing him. He didn’t respond at first, but I wasn’t deterred until he grasped my shoulders and shoved me away.
“Please don’t, Toria.”
My lip quivered and I could feel the tears threatening to fall. “Why? Don’t do what?”
“I just can’t… this isn’t going to work between us, okay?” He stood up and stared at the door as the elevator continued to climb to his floor.
“You don’t mean that, do you? You can’t,” I replied, grabbing his arm. He still would not look at me. “Zac, please… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have accused you, because I know I was even worse. I probably don’t even deserve you, but I just wish you would give me another chance.”
The elevator door opened and he pulled his arm free of my grasp. I yanked on his jacket and followed him into the hallway, not even caring that I might cause a scene on his floor. He spun around and stared at me.
“I’m sorry, Toria. My patience ran out. I waited for you, and I made excuses for how you could treat me like… like I was nothing to you… and I’m done. I won’t do it again.”