An Unperfect Actor
Hell Week gave me a perfect, all too easy, excuse not to spend much time with Zac. At the same time, I continued to beat myself up for it. There was just no way to win. If I told him why I was upset, not only would I sound like a petty bitch, but I was certain that he would just deny it all. And maybe that would be the truth, but how would I know? I wanted to trust him, but something kept making me pull back into my shell and refuse to get too close.
That fear of commitment would be the death of me, I was sure. But knowing that didn’t make it any easier to overcome it.
Despite our extra long Hell Week, Dr. Ansary conceded to let us still have Friday off, which just so happened to be Zac’s birthday. For the entire week, we had barely spoken outside of class, lunch and dinner. He hadn’t said a word, but I could tell that he knew something was wrong. He still came over after rehearsal almost every night, but we barely talked. I tried to blame that on my exhaustion from the grueling rehearsal schedule, but I’m sure he saw through that excuse. When I fell asleep on his chest the previous night, he crept out and left me to sleep on my own rather than stay in bed with me. Waking up alone left me feeling horribly lonely and the whole day seemed off because of it.
Zac and I didn’t have class together that day, so I didn’t see him again until I went into the food court for lunch. He was sitting at our usual table all by himself – everyone else was off setting up for his surprise party – sporting a ridiculous party hat covered in glitter and foil. It looked kind of funny to see such a cheerful sight, even though he was all alone. Only Zac, I thought to myself as I went through the line for a sandwich and chips.
With my tray of food in hand, I made my way to the table. Zac shot me a huge grin when he saw me approach and for a moment my fears and doubts subsided. I grinned right back at him. “Happy birthday, Zac.”
“Thanks,” he said. “Isn’t this hat awesome? Evan gave it to me this morning.”
“It suits you,” I replied, sitting down next to him. “I guess you’re having a pretty good birthday so far, huh?”
“Yup. It’ll be even better if I finally get to spend some time with you, though. I was thinking we could go out to Nacho Mama’s tonight. What do you think?” He nudged me softly.
I shrugged. “Maybe late tonight? I’ve got this big essay I need to work on… haven’t really had time because of theatre, you know.”
It was a complete lie, but I was pretty sure I had pulled it off. I didn’t feel bad about lying to him about that, since the truth was that I planned on spending the afternoon at Taylor’s apartment, setting up the party decorations.
He frowned. “Oh. Okay. Yeah, we can have a late dinner, I guess. I just wish we had more time together right now. This isn’t really a good way to start our…”
“Our what?” I asked, even though I already knew the answer.
“Our relationship,” he replied, blushing. “You know what I mean, lady. I mean, you passed out on me last night and I had to sneak out so I wouldn’t wake you.”
I frowned at his word choice. “Why did you have to leave, though?”
“Well, you keep saying you’re so busy and exhausted because of theatre… figured you didn’t need any distractions while you were trying to sleep,” he said, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.
“I guess you’re right,” I conceded, even though I still felt awkward about the entire situation. “I’ll make it up to you tonight, okay? I promise.”
“Okay, deal,” he said, the easy smile returning to his face.
Despite how easily Zac had relaxed, I couldn’t make myself calm down so easily. I was nervous about the party, for one, thing. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that Zac was right; our relationship just wasn’t getting off on the right foot. And I didn’t know how to fix that, especially with everything else that we had done while we were still taking baby steps toward each other.
“So, are there any balloons left in Richmond? Did you buy them all?” Whitley asked from her spot on Taylor’s couch, where she sat blowing up balloons for the party. It was the easiest job for her to do while the rest of us worried about hanging streamers and setting up the food and drinks.
“Well…” Taylor replied, scratching his head and looking sheepish.
As if on cue, Joseph walked through the door, holding onto an armful of helium balloons with various birthday greetings all over them. The entire room burst into laughter, and Joseph wisely chose to ignore us.
I finished arranging the shot glasses and bottles of nearly every sort of liquor imaginable – apparently Taylor was quite a lush – and walked over to the kitchen table to observe the array of food. It was almost as vast as the selection of alcohol, and the cheesecake Taylor had picked out sported impressive sparkler candles. Everything looked perfect there, and the streamers and balloons made the rest of the apartment look pretty damn festive. Zac was going to love it, I was certain.
“So, you think it’s time to call the birthday boy?” I asked.
“Yeah. I’ve got it covered,” Taylor replied, setting down the last bag of potato chips and fishing his phone from his pocket.
I sat down on the couch next to Whitley and sighed. Everything might have looked perfect, but to me, it definitely didn’t feel perfect. As much as I tried to hide that, I could tell from the way Whitley stared at me that she knew something was wrong. She nudged me with her crutch. “What’s up, girly?”
“Nothing,” I replied. “Just… everything with Zac is a little overwhelming, you know?”
“Yeah, well, I’m sick of it! I’m going to throw all your laundry out on the lawn if you don’t come over here right now and get it!” Taylor’s voice rang out, drowning out whatever Whitley might have said next. Despite his angry words, he was smiling and giving us all a thumbs up. Yeah, he definitely had things covered.
Whitley laughed and shook her head. “It may be overwhelming to you, but the rest of us saw it happening a long time before you did. Just give it time to sink in and you’ll be alright. You guys are kinda perfect together, if you ask me.”
“I didn’t really ask you,” I said softly.
Taylor shut his phone and let out a loud laugh. “Okay. That was fun. And not altogether an empty threat. He’s on his way over now, so everyone – except for the cripple – needs to find a place to hide.”
“I’m not too crippled to do this,” Whitley said, thrusting her middle finger in the air.
I shook my head and laughed as I rushed off to hide by the bookshelf at the door. Despite my frustration with Zac and our situation, I did want to be one of the first to greet him and see the surprise on his face. I didn’t think he suspected at all that all of his best friends – me, Justine, Whitley, Taylor, Joseph, Evan and a few guys from the band whose names I admittedly couldn’t remember – had all gathered just for him. Considering how much he liked being the center of attention, I knew he was going to love this.
Only a few short minutes passed before we could hear a key turning in the door. Since Zac did his laundry at Taylor’s apartment most of the time and occasionally slept there when Evan had someone over, he had his own key. A hush fell over the room as we waited for him to walk in.
“Tay, I swear to god if you –”
“SURPRISE!”
Zac blinked and stared around the room blankly. “What? You – what about my laundry?!”
I giggled and jumped out from behind the bookshelf, wrapping Zac up in my arms and kissing his cheek. “Don’t worry. Your laundry is safe. We just needed an excuse to get the birthday boy over here.”
“Did you plan this?” He asked, returning my kiss with one of his own.
“Yup. With a little help.”
“You’re the best girlfriend ever.”
There was that word again. My face flushed and my stomach turned, but I tried to keep a smile on my face so that no one would notice. Everyone was gathering around us, ready to begin the party, and I didn’t want to bring the mood down. But that one little word had reminded me of all my fears and doubts, and I knew my mood had changed for the worse.
Zac was quickly rushed from my side and into the kitchen, where a huge pile of presents waited for him in the floor. Most of them were pretty generic and predictable – art supplies of all varieties. Taylor bought him a fancy set of drumsticks that promised to be indestructible even in Zac’s hands, and Evan surprised him with the brand new Jimmy Eat World CD. I made sure to save my present for last; I had hid it behind the refrigerator, away from the rest of the presents. Sheepishly, I held it out to Zac.
Zac grinned and tore into the wrapping paper. First, he pulled out the more obvious present, a box of brand new crayons in 96 different colors. Beneath that lay a small volume of Shakespeare’s sonnets. I knew Zac loved to read, but I had a feeling he hadn’t made it through all of William’s works.
“Aww! Thank you, baby,” he said, pulling me to him and kissing me. Everyone around us cheered and I felt myself blushing. My previous desire to be more public with him seemed to have completely deserted me.
He didn’t seem to notice my hesitance, though. Or, if he did, there was simply too much going on around us for him to be overly concerned about it. Before we could say anything else to each other, Taylor was shoving him toward the cake and lighting the sparklers. Zac blew them out in one breath, then flashed me a wide grin. It was as though everything he said or did required my approval or comment. It was kind of cute but also a little smothering.
Zac insisted on cutting the cake, probably to ensure that he would get the largest piece. He piled his plate down with not only cake, but chips, ice cream and a slice of pizza, before rushing back to my side. He smiled at me between bites of cake. “Are you hungry? I should have gotten you a plate first. I’m sorry.”
I shook my head. “No, I’m fine. I’ll get a slice of pizza or something, but I’m okay for now.”
“You sure, babe?” He asked, frowning. I couldn’t help smiling a little at the way his brow furrowed with concern; his face was just so animated.
“Yeah, I’m okay. Just exhausted.”
Zac offered me a sympathetic smile, but didn’t have time to say anything before Evan rushed up to his side and slung an arm around his shoulder. “So, I think it’s about time we got some alcohol in the birthday boy! Tay’s setting up a game of spoons. What do you say?”
I shook my head. “I’ll sit this one out. Maybe I’ll have that pizza now.”
“Well, I think I’ll play a game or two,” Zac said to Evan, then turned back to me. “You don’t mind, do you?”
“No, go ahead.”
And I really didn’t mind. That wasn’t a lie at all. I was glad that the party was going well, but I just hadn’t been happy all week. Everything Christin had said, true or not, had brought me down and made me fear that this new relationship was doomed. It was all too easy to let Zac get swept up in the excitement of the party while I stayed on the sidelines with my bad mood.
Despite not having much of an appetite, I did decide to eat a few slices of pizza, mostly to occupy my mouth so that I wouldn’t have to talk to anyone. I stayed in the kitchen, watching the party go on around me, but not participating in any of it. No one really seemed to notice, and that almost upset me more than it would have if they had noticed.
When it became obvious that Zac was more interested in his drinking games than spending time with me, I wandered off down the hallway. Taylor’s apartment had two bedrooms, and I figured the extra one would be empty. I was right, and I tossed myself down on the bed. I could still hear the party going on around me, but I tried to ignore it.
“Toria?” Zac’s voice rang out, and I looked up to see him leaning against the door frame. “What are you doing in here? Why aren’t you partying?”
“Just didn’t feel like it.”
He walked across the room and sat down next to me on the bed. I could smell the liquor on him. “You haven’t even had anything to drink, have you?”
I shook my head. “Didn’t seem like a good idea. Drinking tends to lead to bad decisions.”
“That’s not always true. I kissed you for the first time when I was drunk.”
His comment tugged at my heartstrings for a second, until I remembered who else he kissed when he was drunk. I frowned. “Yeah, well…”
“Well what?” Zac asked. “What’s going on here?”
“Nothing is going on. You’re drunk and I wish you weren’t. End of story.”
Refusing to accept that response, apparently, Zac flopped down onto the bed and grabbed my face, forcing me to look at him. “That’s really not an answer. You’re upset with me and I don’t know what I did.”
“It’s more like who you did.”
“Who I…” Zac furrowed his brow. “I didn’t do anyone other than you, and I really don’t like putting it that way.”
“Are you sure? Maybe you were just too drunk to remember.”
Zac rolled over and stood up. “I don’t have to listen to this shit. You cheated on your boyfriend with me, and you care what I did when you were busy with him? Fuck that. It’s none of your business, and it is definitely not your place to judge me.”
I gasped. Maybe he wasn’t as drunk as I thought he was, because that was a pretty lucid outburst. And not entirely wrong, but it still only made me angrier. I didn’t like having it pointed out, if not exactly stated, that I had been pretty slutty. I didn’t need that reminder.
“I don’t have to listen to this shit, either,” I said, standing up and pulling myself to my full height to glare at Zac. I knew I still wasn’t intimidating, but it made me feel better.
“Why don’t you just leave, then? Go running back to him. See if I care.”
We stood there for a long time, just staring at each other. I searched Zac’s eyes for some hint that he would care if I walked out right then, but I couldn’t find it. All I could see was anger and that familiar drunken haze. None of the tenderness he had shown me before remained. Maybe this was the real Zac, and the sweet boy I had fallen for was only an illusion.
“Fine. Have fun drawing pictures of Christin with those new crayons.”
His eyes flickered and he balled his fists at his sides, but he didn’t say a word. His mouth was a tight line, his jaw clenched. If I hadn’t known any better, and I was beginning to doubt that I even did, I would have thought he was going to punch me. For just a second, his jaw loosened and he opened his mouth, but no words came out. He shook his head and slammed his mouth shut again, as though he had reconsidered whatever he might have said.
I couldn’t handle another second of this stand off. With one last glare, I stormed out of the room. Luckily, everyone in the apartment was too wrapped up in their drinks and revelry to notice me. I dashed through the crowd and out into the parking lot, hoping with each step that Zac would have followed me.
But he didn’t.