January 2009
Avery let out a small sigh as she sat outside of Taylor’s house that night after dinner. Having snuck outside because she hadn’t wanted to get wrangled into helping Natalie get the babies ready for bed.
While she loved her niece and nephews getting them ready for bed was tiring and she wasn’t ready for that fight. Not yet anyway.
So instead she had opted to sneak outside and stare at the sky. Trying not to get too lost in her thoughts because the last thing she needed was to feel sorry for herself again and the predicament she was in. A predicament she could have avoided had she not even came out at all since it seemed her mom was okay ignoring her being a lesbian until now.
Though Avery found even with this horrible predicament that she didn’t regret the fact that she was out now. Feeling a bit more free despite being homeless.
Knowing she no longer at least to her family had to hide such a big part of herself. But she wasn’t sure she was ready to tell everyone. Like her brother’s fans even if they had already semi outed her months ago.
“There you are,” a voice spoke and Avery turned her head, seeing her brother coming outside. A cigarette between his fingers and an ashtray in his hand. “Was looking for you for a bit.”
“Snuck out here because I didn’t want to help your wife put the kids to bed,” Avery whispered as Taylor sat down beside her. “Think you can keep my location a secret until the kids are all in bed?”
Taylor nodded his head as he rolled his eyes playfully. “Pretty sure we’re good on your location being a secret,” he said before taking a drag off his cigarette. “Not like I can blame you for skipping out on helping with bedtime. It’s probably the one time I try to ignore my daddy duties.”
Avery snorted a laugh at that. Having to bite her tongue from saying that sometimes it seemed like he ignored his daddy duties at more than just bedtime. But of course she knew better than to say that especially when he was letting her stay at his house for a few days.
The last thing she needed was to lose that when she really had nowhere else to go.
“I’m sorry,” Taylor spoke in her silence after her laugh and Avery raised an eyebrow in confusion. Something Taylor must have saw because he clarified what he meant. “I mean for the fact that I can’t let you stay longer than a few days.”
“It’s fine,” Avery told him as she shrugged her shoulders. “I know it’s probably because of Nat.”
“She doesn’t want mom to get mad at her,” Taylor told her confirming what she had suspected. “You know how mom is. Everyone just….they do stuff to make her happy or keep her in the dark when they know it will disappoint her.”
Again Avery snorted a laugh, “Don’t I know that,” she sighed because up until New Year’s that had been her. Hiding the fact that she was a lesbian just because she knew her mom would react the way she had. That she’d disown Avery.
But even in her worst fears Avery hated that she hadn’t once thought of the idea that her mom would actually kick her out. Maybe if she had she could have been more prepared in places to stay. More prepared to feel the things she was feeling which was mainly like a lost little girl.
A lost little girl who had no home.
“Yeah I guess you do know that,” Taylor agreed as he looked down and away from Avery. Taking a few more drags off his cigarette. “Better than anyone else in this family right now,” he added on after a bit. “Pretty sure if I could have kept her in the dark about Natalie I would have.”
“A pregnancy is hard to hide though sadly,” Avery finished for Taylor as she gave him a playful smile. “But you handled mom’s disappointment in you well.”
Now it was Taylor’s turn to laugh and Avery hated the fact that he sounded as bitter as she felt. “I think the disappointment I had in myself was the hardest to live with actually,” he told her and Avery was surprised by his honesty.
She was sure this was the most Taylor had ever opened up to her. Then again it wasn’t like she had ever opened up to him much either.
“Are you still disappointed in yourself?” Avery questioned him deciding to take advantage of the fact that he was being honest now.
“No,” Taylor answered quickly and Avery was left wondering if he was being honest. Partly because he didn’t sound too convincing. “Are you disappointed in yourself?” he mused turning the tables quickly on Avery. “Not for being gay because personally I don’t think that’s something you should feel disappointment over Avie,” he added on sounding like he was trying to reassure her.
As if he thought she needed reassurances on her sexual identity.
“I’m disappointed in myself on a lot of things,” Avery told Taylor honestly. Knowing it was true in some ways. She was disappointed on how many lies she had told over the last year, the fact that she was still telling them. She was disappointed that somehow she had missed how far gone Zac was in his eating disorder even if she had known he had one.
“But I’m not disappointed in being gay,” she finished with a shrug of her shoulders.
Taylor nodded as if he accepted her answer though Avery wasn’t sure he truly did. “Just….if you ever are disappointed in yourself for being gay or you know you…you feel really low and plan on doing something stupid can you…can you talk to me first?” he asked her sounding sincere. “I know you lied to me as well about your sexuality,” he said bringing up the time he had confronted her over the pictures. “But I feel like I’m losing one sibling in Zac and I don’t want to lose you either.”
Falling silent Avery just eyed Taylor curiously wondering where all this sentimental stuff was coming from. Especially the part where he cared about her mental health and if she did something stupid.
Avery knowing what he meant. He was referring to suicide more than likely. Probably because he knew the statistics. People who were gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender were more than likely to commit suicide. Even more so after being shunned by their family.
“You won’t lose me,” Avery told him as she pasted on a smile. Things once more falling silent between her and Taylor and for once Avery took comfort in the silence.
It was better than whatever heart to heart she had just had with a brother who was most often times a mystery to her. Someone she wasn’t sure she’d be this open with again.
It felt odd and like she was betraying Zac somehow. But maybe it was better she did have this moment with Taylor since she didn’t want to burden Zac.
After a while of just sitting in silence, Taylor must have deemed their conversation or bonding experience over as he finally stood. Heading inside without another word to Avery and she just watched him leave.
Not sure if she was ready to head back inside just yet. So instead she stayed in the place where she was sitting.
Hearing her phone ringing Avery who had came back inside some time well after midnight, opened her eyes as she saw the sun coming through the windows in the living room.
A groan coming out as she reached for her cell phone before the offending object woke anyone else in the house up. Because the last thing she wanted was Natalie mad at her because she woke one of the kids too early.
Avery being half sure Natalie hadn’t gotten much sleep last night. She had after all been awoken once when Viggo had, had a crying spell and when she had checked the time on her phone then it had been four in the morning.
“Hello?” Avery asked into the receiver without even checking the id or the time. Though it couldn’t be no earlier than six or seven in the morning if the kids or her brother Taylor hadn’t woken up yet.
“Oh Avie,” an all too familiar voice greeted her. “I’m glad you’re awake. I just had a brilliant idea and I thought I should tell you now instead of waiting until later and I got too chickenshit or something because I mean it’s me. I get chickenshit all the time with most things.”
“Cordy,” Avery sighed not even telling her that she hadn’t been awake until Cordelia called. “Are you drunk?”
Cordelia laughed softly, Avery having a vivid image of her shaking her head no. “I’m not drunk,” she denied. “Just sleep deprived and worrying about my girlfriend.”
“You don’t need to worry about me Cordy,” Avery told her again feeling guilt for the fact she had been with Paisley yesterday. “I’m fine, I’m at Taylor and Natalie’s now.”
“I know I know but I’m going to worry until you find a permanent place to stay which is why I am calling. I may have found you somewhere to stay.”
Avery raised an eyebrow as she sat up on the couch. “You found me somewhere to stay in Tulsa? All the way from California.”
“Well where you’d be staying isn’t in Tulsa,” Cordelia told her sounding sheepish. “I was thinking that you could come and move to California. Live with me. You can even go to college here. My college has an art department for god sakes or if not mine California has other art schools. Just come out here Avie.”
Swallowing hard Avery did her best to ignore the guilt which just kept building. Not going away at all, especially not when Cordelia had sounded so desperate in wanting Avery to move out there with her.
“That’s a huge step Cordelia,” Avery told her as she chewed on her lip. “We’ve only been dating since October.”
“But we’ve been friends for longer and it just seems right,” Cordelia countered seeming like her mind was made up.
Which Avery should have known after all it had to be really really early in California and she was calling Avery that early just to tell her so she didn’t chicken out.
Chewing on her lip Avery took several deep breaths as she thought over her next words carefully. Not wanting to upset Cordelia right now. Not when it seemed she didn’t have very many people on her side.
“C…can I have a few days to consider this?” Avery asked softly afraid that the words she had chosen in the end would send her girlfriend into a tail spin. “Please.”
Cordelia went silent at that, Avery wondering if she hadn’t expected this response from Avery. An idea which was crazy because surely she had to know Avery was practical. She wouldn’t just jump at an idea that seemed half thought of.
Then again she had numerous times with Paisley so Cordelia could have thought she would. But Paisley was different, she’d always be different.
“Yeah take all the time you need,” Cordelia finally said and after she muttered those words the line went dead. Avery frowning as she ended the call on her end too. A tiny sigh coming out of her mouth as she leaned against the couch even more.
Feeling awful now because it was apparent that even though she had tried to avoid hurting or upsetting Cordelia she obviously had anyway.
Keeping a hold of her phone Avery lifted it back up as she looked down at it. Going to her contacts and finding Paisley’s name, clicking to compose a next text. Her brain telling her she shouldn’t text her but her heart winning out in the end.
Cordelia asked me to move California and live with her. I’m actually sort of considering it even if I know it’s not truly the best option.
After sending the text Avery turned off her phone. Not wanting any contact with anyone else besides Taylor’s family. Hoping that if she secluded herself with her brother and his kids and wife that maybe she could fully make a decision on moving in with Cordelia.
Hopefully make the right one too and not the wrong one just because it felt right.