January 2009
Waking again a few hours later Avery opened her eyes slowly. Becoming aware of her surroundings and the fact that she had fallen asleep sitting up, her phone still clutched in her hand. A blush starting to work itself on her cheeks where she looked down at her hand, realization hitting her that she had fallen asleep while talking Ethan.
Well no, really she had fallen asleep while he sang to her. A request she had given and she was sure he had been singing one of his own songs because she hadn’t ever heard it on the radio. A song about a girl he had met once and he wrote a song about her. How she never saw herself as a west coaster.
It was lovely if she said so herself and she kind of hoped he put it on his album that he’d be making. She could see it being a hit. Maybe once he released his album she could even work her magic and get her brothers to listen to it or let him open for them at least once.
It would get him some hardcore fans as Hanson fans were well known to latch onto opening acts sometimes even with the same fervor that they latched onto her brothers.
Moving her hand so she could turn he phone back on she frowned seeing that the battery was almost dead. So she moved to plug it back in. Getting out of bed once she had because she may as well start her day.
That and she hoped that Cordelia was back and just had opted to sleep on the couch or something since it was apparent she couldn’t be around Avery right now.
A fact that hurt Avery but it was something she knew she deserved. She deserved Cordelia not wanting to see her because she had willingly cheated and not given a damn. She didn’t care that she was hurting a girl who loved her so much. Had loved her for so long.
A love Avery desperately hoped to return some day if they did stay together.
Leaving the bedroom, Avery headed down the hall coming to a stop when she saw Cordelia in the kitchen, standing at the stove. A small breath of relief leaving Avery because at least she was home now and Avery wouldn’t have to worry when she was coming home.
“What time did you get home?” Avery asked tentatively as she walked into the living room which was connected to the kitchen.
Cordelia shrugged not even answering which made Avery frown.
“Just I woke up at three and you weren’t in bed,” Avery spoke as she slowly made her way into the kitchen. Feeling a bit wary as well as afraid that Cordelia may throw a dish or something at her. Which was stupid because Cordelia wasn’t a violent person even if her words could be cutting.
“I crashed at a friends after I got a bit too drunk,” Cordelia spoke finally her tone harsh. “I got home a little after seven. Is that a problem for you?” she questioned as she finally turned away from the stove where Avery saw that she was fixing eggs. “Because if it is it’s kind of hypocritical seeing that you think it’s perfectly okay to fuck another girl while dating me.”
Swallowing hard Avery looked away from Cordelia’s gaze. “I never said I thought it was okay,” she defended herself because she hadn’t said that. Hated that Cordelia was putting words into her mouth.
“Really?!” Cordelia asked her voice raising. “Because not even thinking of me while you cheated says you thought it was okay. That you thought I’d be okay with that.”
“That’s not what I thought,” Avery shot back as she finally looked up at Cordelia. “I didn’t…I guess I….I didn’t think you’d ever find out,” she admitted because maybe she had also thought that too. Believed it at least until Jim had saw her with Paisley.
Then she had known it was a matter of time until she was screwed.
Cordelia only shook her head as she turned away from Avery. “Well then, is there anything else you’re keeping from me that you thought I’d never find out?” she asked sarcastically. “I mean the truth always comes out Avery. May as well spill all your dirty secrets that you’re keeping from me out before someone else tells me. Before I find out from someone else what a damn fool I am.”
“Ethan’s the person I slept with in New York,” Avery confessed not even sure why she was. She figured Cordelia had done the math and figured it out on her own but since Cordelia had told her to open up she did. Choosing to admit out loud that the person she was going to be moving in with in Los Angeles was the person she had sex with in New York to make sure she was indeed a lesbian.
Silence fell between Cordelia and Avery after that. An uncomfortable silence and Avery was afraid. Afraid that Cordelia hadn’t known and that she was now going to be more pissed and finally end things.
Which she was sure if any outside observer was watching her and Cordelia’s relationship they’d say Avery was trying to find any reason to give Cordelia to end things.
She wasn’t but she knew how things looked….or well she didn’t think she was doing that anyway.
“I knew that,” Cordelia sighed breaking the silence as she moved to put her eggs on a plate that was on the counter beside the stove. “Of course I knew that. It’s one reason I haven’t been fond of you deciding to move in with him when he comes to Los Angeles. I mean my girlfriend living five hours away from me with the man she has fucked once. Don’t think I haven’t imagined how you could fuck him again if the chance came,” she rambled as she walked to the table with her plate.
Avery only stayed silent and let her go off. Knew it was for the best.
“I’m not going to fuck Ethan again,” Avery sighed as she shook her head and walked to the table. Sitting across from Cordelia who refused to make eye contact with her. “He was just one time. To see for sure if I was lesbian or if I could be bisexual or not.”
Cordelia let out a bitter chuckle, “And what if his penis and him just suddenly become attractive to you and you decide to experiment again?” she asked as she finally looked at Avery. Settling her with a gaze that made Avery shiver as well as render her silent.
Avery staying that way for minutes as she just watched Cordelia begin to eat.
“He may be attractive but trust me his penis isn’t,” Avery muttered out with a shake of her head. At least that was the truth. She hadn’t found his penis attractive but then again she felt that way about every penis she saw. Not that she saw many but she had watched the occasional porn. “But I’d also never have sex with him again,” she said shaking her head.
“Never say never,” Cordelia countered bitterly. “Unless of course he was just that much of a bad lay. Maybe it’d ease my mind then to know my girlfriend was living with the attractive guy she fucked but she considered him a bad lay.”
Blushing Avery looked down because she hadn’t ever talked in depth about her sex with Ethan. Joked about it some here and there with him and had mentioned it in passing to Cordelia and Paisley both but she had never really discussed it.
Almost sometimes wanted to treat it like it never happened. It made things less awkward with Ethan if she did that she supposed. She could treat him like any other guy friend she had if she forgot that she had seen him naked. That he had been inside of her twice in the same night.
“He wasn’t a bad lay,” Avery sighed as her blush only grew. Because it was the truth. He hadn’t been bad. He had even gotten her to orgasm three times despite the fact they had only had sex twice. But that had only been because the second time had been much slower. Felt a bit like making love if she were honest with herself but she didn’t want to be. “It just wasn’t something I was into since you know I don’t like dick,” she spoke shaking her head. “I mean if I had to rate Ethan he is at the bottom of my list out of all three of the people I’ve had sex with,” she spoke though she hated to admit that if he had eaten her out she could maybe move him above Cordelia but he hadn’t and that was another thing she didn’t want to admit.
Hated that Cordelia had her even thinking about this in depth because it was way too early in the morning and she hadn’t had her coffee yet.
Cordelia only glared at Avery as she shook her head but she didn’t say anything. She just continued to eat.
“Does this mean I’m…that you aren’t breaking up with me?” Avery asked as she raised an eyebrow. Knowing she should leave well enough alone but sometimes she really was a damn Hanson. Kept going even when she should stop. “Just you still called me your girlfriend when referring to Ethan.”
Cordelia shook her head again as she sighed, “I should dump you. It would probably be best I know that but I love you too much even if you don’t love me,” she spoke with a sad sounding resolve in her voice. Like she had came to terms with loving Avery even if Avery didn’t love her back. “I am going to give you another chance but if you screw this one up we’re done. I can’t…I can’t keep being hurt by you.”
Nodding her head Avery reached out across the table for Cordelia’s free hand. Taking it in her own she squeezed it with a smile, “I won’t hurt you again and you won’t regret this,” she spoke but after the words had left her mouth she felt like someone lost at sea.
Really more like a ship and the ship needed to be anchored down because it felt lost. But as she looked into Cordelia’s eyes she knew Cordelia could never be that anchor. Not like Paisley had.
Knew in her gut she was making a mistake by staying in this relationship but again there was that need of wanting to love Cordelia. Of wanting to give her best friend what she had wanted for years which was just her love. To be in love with her and not just love her like a best friend.
Because right now as sad as it was she loved Cordelia like a best friend still. Like how she loved Ethan.
But of course she’d never tell Cordelia that.
“I hope I don’t,” Cordelia said with a wary smile as she squeezed Avery’s hand back.
Coming out of the shower some time later after she had ate and drank her coffee, Avery headed back into the room she was sharing with Cordelia to see if her phone was fully charged. Pausing to see a text message from her sister Jessica as well as one from Ethan.
Clicking the one from Jessica first she raised an eyebrow as she read it.
Not sure if Kate has contacted you yet but Zac should be on his way soon to a rehab in California. I forget where exactly but since you’re there maybe you could see him. I don’t think anyone’s told him what happened with you and he really needs to know. That and maybe seeing him would do you some good too even if I don’t really agree with the life you’re living I know how your bond with Zac is.
Swallowing hard after reading Jessica’s text Avery did her best not to cry. But also swearing to get in touch with Kate and find out where Zac would be at. As well as feeling grateful that he had decided to get help for his eating disorder.
A word she still didn’t really want to say out loud because it made it more real. That her brother like her was breakable and not at all put together.
Taking a deep breath she opened the text from Ethan next.
You fell asleep on me darling :-p. I also overslept and nearly missed a meeting because of you but I forgive you. Hope today works out well for you but in case it doesn’t I come with good news. We finally have a place in Los Angeles for sure and I’m coming in a week so you know I can help you move into our place. If Cordelia hasn’t killed you by then.
Letting out a small laugh as she reached the end of the text Ethan sent she also couldn’t help but sigh in relief. Knowing she only had to stay with Cordelia just a bit longer and then she could leave, which made her an awful girlfriend just like all her other actions did but well maybe she’d feel less awful if she lived apart from her girlfriend.
Maybe she’d also feel less lost too. Less like she was a ship about to sink because she had no anchor.