February 2009
“Is that everything?” Ethan questioned Avery as he shut the back hatch of his jeep. The last of her stuff in his car which really wasn’t much as they had been moving Avery out in small doses over the last week.
The majority of her stuff was already at their shared apartment in Los Angeles. Put away in the room that she had called dibs on when Ethan had taken her to look at the place the day after he had arrived in California.
“It should be,” Avery told him with a nod of her. “You really don’t mind driving it there yourself though?” she asked feeling a bit guilty that he’d be taking her last few boxes and unpacking them for her.
Yet again she also didn’t feel that guilty because she was going to see Zac. Had found out from Kate where he was staying at and then had called to arrange a visit with her brother. Knew she needed it. Needed to see him again because she hadn’t seen him since either of their mutual breakdowns and seeing Zac always helped.
Even if they were both hot messes right now. Though Avery knew she had no reason to be a hot mess. She finally had a permanent place to live and she was still dating the girl who loved her. But some tiny part of her still felt like a hot mess.
Like she was that ship drowning in a sea. Knew she needed an anchor but Zac as much as she loved him could never be that.
No, she needed something more than that and she just hoped she found it before it was too late. Before she drowned and took Cordelia down with her. Ruining whatever was left of the girl who had been her best friend for ages.
Ethan gave her a smile as he shook his head, “I don’t mind it,” he reassured her. “You need to go see your brother and he probably needs to see you too,” he told her before moving just a bit closer to where she was. His lips leaving a light kiss on her forehead.
The action making Avery close her eyes as her nerves eased away. Nerves she hadn’t even realized she had because why should she be nervous to see her brother?
He was still the same boy she had grown up with all her life. But maybe it was because she was afraid of what she’d see when she did see him again. To realize he needed help he had to fall pretty low and what if he was still there, even being in a place to help him?
Change took time after all wasn’t the saying, Rome wasn’t built in a day?
“I hope that’s the case,” Avery spoke as she pulled away from Ethan. Heading to her own car as he got into his finally. Avery pausing as she watched him drive away and after he was gone she turned to Cordelia who had been waiting by the door of her car.
Avery saving the goodbye with her girlfriend for last because she knew today was rough for her. They’d be five hours apart and she’d have a busy schedule and soon Avery would too since she was planning to apply to a college in Los Angeles as well as getting a job.
Neither knew when they’d get to see each other in the flesh again even if they’d keep in contact in other ways. Either by Skype or text much like they had when Avery had been in Tulsa still.
But Avery guessed this felt worse because now they were in the same state but still far away and distance sucked. Especially when things had been rocky just a week or so ago.
“I’ll call you when I get back to Los Angeles,” Avery promised as she looked at Cordelia who had tears in her eyes. Tears that Avery knew she was doing her best to keep in. “We can discuss things and set up Skype dates for the next week or so,” she nodded her head.
Her hands going to rest on either side of Cordelia’s cheeks after she spook. Without saying anything else she leaned in and kissed her briefly on the lips.
Feeling relieved that when she pulled away there was a smile on her girlfriend’s lips even if it was a sad one.
“I just wish you’d change your mind still and move in with me full time,” Cordelia confessed her words shocking Avery a bit especially after last week but well maybe she wasn’t too surprised.
It seemed Cordelia was just as willing to go down with a sinking ship as she was.
“I know but I really think living separately is what is best for us Cordy,” Avery said as she did her best to smile big. Her hands falling away from Cordelia’s cheek. “Even more so after last week.”
Cordelia heaved a sigh as she avoided eye contact with Avery. Avery noticing the tears going down her cheeks. “I know you are right,” she finally relented. “I just hate saying it out loud okay,” she said as she reached up to wipe at her eyes.
Avery wishing she could wave a wand and fix stuff but she couldn’t. Not yet anyway.
They needed this living separately. Needed space and not to be together so much. It may even help her fall more for Cordelia because wasn’t there a saying about distance making the heart grow fonder?
Giving Cordelia a smile she leaned in to kiss her cheek. Remaining silent as she got in her car knowing if she said more they’d both be crying messes and she didn’t want to cry before going to see Zac.
That and she’d really only be crying at her guilt that Cordelia was hurting while she wasn’t.
After buckling up and starting her car Avery turned to see Cordelia standing at the entrance of her apartment building and Avery gave her a small wave before pulling out of the parking space to get on the road. Needed to drive the almost hour drive to San Jose to see a brother she hadn’t seen since Christmas.
A brother who was or had been as broken as she was but at least now he was getting help. Avery almost wishing they had rehab for people who deliberately put themselves in wrong love situations.
Avery fidgeted with the necklace around her neck as she sat alone with Zac. She had been here for some time and since arriving neither had said much to each other. Which some people would probably see as a bad thing but Avery didn’t.
It almost felt like they were taking in each other and she could tell from Zac’s face he had questions like what she was doing here in California.
Maybe had already figured it out but didn’t want to ask just yet.
“Guess you were right,” Zac finally spoke up and Avery looked at him as she kept on messing with her necklace. “I did have a problem.”
Avery let out a small laugh, “I’m always right,” she told him with a shake of her head. “You would do well to remember it,” she teased him. “But I guess I saw it because I had problems of my own too you know. I had a huge secret that was weighing me down and somehow I could see you did too. I just…I wish I had told someone else sooner. So you could have gotten help sooner.”
“Even if you had told someone I would have just denied it to them too,” Zac shrugged and Avery could hear the sincerity in his voice. “I don’t think I wanted the help…didn’t think I truly needed it until what happened to me on New Years,” he said as he looked at her warily.
Like he expected her to judge him for that. She had no right too after her own melt down but he didn’t know about that. She still needed to tell him.
“Yeah well I had my own meltdown that day too,” Avery told him watching as he looked at her curiously. His brown eyes that had for the better part of a year looked dead finally having some semblance of life and Avery wondered if her own eyes looked dead now. “I got drunk and caused a scene at the annual church goers get together that our parents had. I came out to mom in the most dramatic of fashions,” she laughed because laughing was the only thing keeping her from being angry.
The only coping method she felt like she had right now.
“And I take it mom didn’t take it as well as I did?” Zac questioned though it was more of a statement.
Avery shook her head no. “Funny thing is she already knew Zac,” she told him with a bitter tone now. “Zoe told her back in July,” she said and she couldn’t laugh now. Only sounded angry because maybe right now she was still angry at her little sister.
Even if she knew Zoe was only ten and didn’t no better. Only knew what their mom made her believe was the right morals and values.
“Mom is the reason Paisley broke up with me and the day after I came out to her she kicked me out because I wouldn’t go back to being straight or playing straight,” she sighed as she moved her hand away from her necklace now. “So for the past month I’ve sort of been living in other people’s homes but now I…I am going to be living in Los Angeles,” she told him as she looked him over.
Had to make sure he was mentally okay with all this. She didn’t want to somehow set him back or something. It wouldn’t do wonders to help her already fragile mind.
“And you didn’t tell me until now?” Zac asked her and Avery heard the hurt in his voice. Like he felt slightly betrayed that something this big had been kept from him. She could understand that.
She’d feel that way too probably if she were in Zac’s shoes.
“I didn’t want to set you off even more Zac,” Avery told him defending her stance. “So I told Kate to make sure no one else told you and thankfully for me they kept their word. If it wasn’t for your breakdown on New Years I probably would have told you but you didn’t need that with the state everyone implied you were in.”
Zac nodded his head though a hurt look remained on his face. Avery only hoping that somehow he came to understand why she kept this from him for so long. Knew in her gut that he would. It would just take time and probably more healing on his part.
Things fell silent between both of them again and Avery looked down at the floor. Knowing now didn’t feel like the time to speak and that maybe she should go but she just wanted a few more minutes with Zac. Wasn’t sure if she’d get to see him again before his time here was up and then once he headed back home who knew when she’d see him again.
It wasn’t like she really wanted to go back to Tulsa anytime soon even if all of her family was there. Even if all her girlfriend’s family was there.
“Are you doing okay now?” Zac asked once again breaking the silence first. His question wanting to make Avery laugh for a lot of reasons.
“Do you want a lie or the truth?” Avery asked him with a raised eyebrow as she looked up at him. Knowing from the dead serious look he was giving her it was the truth he was after. “No, I’m not fine and not just because of mom and being kicked out. I’m not fine for a lot of reasons and I feel like I did when this weird journey of discovering who I am started. Like I’m a ship lost at sea and that I’m drowning. I’m afraid I won’t be saved or anchored down in enough time and the sad part is it’s all my doing.”
Without saying another word to her Zac reached over and pulled Avery into him in a hug. Avery letting herself be held by her older brother. Tears she didn’t even know she wanted to cry coming out and as she cried she became faintly aware of Zac humming some old tune.
The same tune they had danced too years ago when they had been kids. Before life got rough or maybe it was already beginning to get rough for Zac but it hadn’t been rough for a naive eleven year old Avery.
When she finally pulled away from Zac she wiped at her eyes quickly. Standing from where she was sitting because she knew now she should go. That and visiting hours would soon be over.
“You should come visit me at my apartment in Los Angeles before you head home once you get out of here,” Avery suggested. Though she was wary because he hadn’t yet met Ethan and she wasn’t sure how that would go.
Was afraid he’d pry and she didn’t want to explain to Zac that Ethan had started out as a stranger she met on a plane who she then had experimental sex with and how somehow he was slowly becoming the best friend she had.
Maybe he’d be a good replacement if things fell apart for her and Cordelia and Juniper and Calliope had to take sides.
“I’ll see what I can do Avie baby,” Zac told her with a smile and his eyes still seemed alive again. Even if she had told him something big.
It gave her hope that he could make it after all and maybe if he could make it then she would too eventually. She just had to hang in and keep trying. Keep fighting not to drown altogether with everything in her life.