January 2009
“No,” Avery answered after a few seconds of contemplating what to say. Deciding that a simple no was best. “But I will move out to California. Be closer to you that way,” she said doing her best to keep control of her nerves. “My friend Ethan is moving out there to Los Angeles and I agreed to be his roommate. I know it’s not San Fran but it’s California and closer to you than Tulsa.”
“And you’re rambling,” Cordelia butted in right after Avery had stopped talking. “Which means you are nervous on how I am going to react. You only really get long winded when you ramble Avie.”
Blushing Avery looked down knowing Cordelia had a point on her rambling. “I am yeah,” she confirmed because how could she deny what her girlfriend knew?
“I’m upset,” Cordelia told her after Avery admitted to being nervous on how she would react. “I guess it just feels like you don’t want to live with me because you’re ashamed of me and the fact that I’m not your precious Paisley,” she said her voice going soft and Avery was afraid Cordelia was crying.
Hated that somehow her insecurities on Paisley were rearing their ugly head. Then again maybe she had reasons to be insecure since Avery had cheated just days ago with Paisley. Had realized she’d never love Cordelia enough.
But Avery was also nice enough not to tell Cordelia the latter even if she did deserve to know about the cheating. Now though wasn’t the time to confess to that, not over the phone. No if she ever told that it needed to be face to face.
“I’m not ashamed of you or the fact that you aren’t Pai,” Avery told her not sure if Cordelia would believe her words. Why would she?
She had known how much Avery loved Paisley. Had been there to see it first hand which was maybe a downfall to everything when it came to their relationship. Her current girlfriend knowing just how much she loved her last one.
“I know that or I’m telling myself I do,” Cordelia sighed before letting out a bitter choked up sounding laugh. “But then I also keep telling myself if this were different and if Paisley were still your girlfriend and wanted you to move to wherever the fuck she is living now that you would. You’d jump and move in with her no matter how long you had been dating or how rash the idea was.”
Avery chewed on her lip hard as she fell silent. Knowing that Cordelia had her there and she couldn’t even try to deny it. If this were Paisley she’d jump at moving in with her.
“I’m sorry,” Avery finally spoke hating that, that was all she could say to Cordelia. That she was sorry because Cordelia had been right.
Cordelia let out another bitter choked up sounding laugh. “It’s whatever. Don’t be sorry Avie,” she told her which made Avery frown. “I’ll get over this and be fine about your decision before too long I’m sure. I just…I need to tell my parents so that they can get a hold of you. My dad he kind of agreed to help you move if you need it.”
Avery nodded her head though Cordelia couldn’t see her. “If it makes you feel better I could stay with you until Ethan gets to California,” she offered. “I mean my time with Natalie and Taylor is going to run out soon and I’ll need somewhere to stay before Ethan gets to Los Angeles and everything.”
“Yeah, I guess you can do that,” Cordelia murmured not sounded enthusiastic over that prospect. It was only temporary so Avery could see why she wouldn’t be too happy in the end. “I’ll talk to you later though Avery I am going to go.”
“O..okay,” Avery told her hearing the phone go dead the minute after she had said okay and Avery frowned again. Hating that Cordelia was upset but of course she had suspected as much.
Knew she would be but well this was the best option. Moving in with Ethan would be so much easier if things ever fell apart between her and Cordelia.
She was sure Cordelia would eventually realize it too. How this was for the best in the end.
Shaking her head though Avery moved to leave the bathroom, nearly jumping when she opened the door and came face to face with Natalie.
“Not go well with Cordy?” Natalie questioned her as she raised an eyebrow. Avery having to paste on a smile only because she could tell there was a fake sort of sympathy in Natalie’s voice.
Not the kind of sympathy Avery heard from Kate at times which was more genuine.
“You can tell just from looking at me?” Avery asked her wishing she had a more neutral face when it came to her feelings at times.
Natalie nodded her head as she too seemed to force her own smile. “Just this look you have. Taylor gets it too when things don’t go as he intended.”
“Guess I have more in common with him than I thought,” Avery muttered out knowing that sometimes she only seemed to see similarities between herself and Zac. Not her and anyone else in the family.
“Oh all of you Hanson’s have a lot in common,” Natalie laughed before moving to enter the bathroom. Only stopping once she was in the doorway. “But if you want to talk about whatever happened with you and Cordelia just know I’m here to listen.”
Avery forced her smile a bit more, “I know,” she said as she nodded her head. Though she also knew there was no way she’d talk to Natalie about things. Not when Natalie even with her offer didn’t sound genuine.
That and she half feared that whatever she and Natalie discussed that she’d go and tell her mom. Especially since it seemed with Natalie only allowing her to stay here for a short period of time as not to incur Diana’s wrath that she sided with her mom more so than Avery.
Natalie not being like Kate who despite her religion and her faith still seemed to be fine with Avery and who she choose to love. Kate not caring if Diana was angry at her or not.
Avery let out a frustrated sigh as she stood in front of the U-Haul that was parked outside of her parents house. A U-Haul that was almost entirely full of the things she had left at home and would now be taking with her as she headed off to California.
Cordelia’s dad Jim having gotten into contact with her a day after she had talked to Cordelia and they had decided to get her moved as soon as possible since he’d be driving her stuff out to California. So here she was almost four days later feeling tired and annoyed because she was almost out of room in the U-Haul and she still had a few more things to pack.
Knowing full well if she left something here it’d just have to stay because her mom wouldn’t allow her to come back. Hadn’t even really wanted to allow her to come today and get her stuff but she finally had. Though Avery had noticed the absence of her mom and Zoe.
Jessica and Mac having stayed at home to help their dad and Jim pack Avery’s belongings up. A fact that surprised Avery or well just Jessica being here because she knew Jessica hadn’t taken Jeremy’s coming out well and she hadn’t really talked to Avery much after her own.
Yet here she was today helping to pack Avery’s stuff away. Maybe just wanted to know the black sheep sister was leaving and never coming back….or maybe she realized how much she would miss Avery in the time they had already spent apart.
“You need me to help you make some space?” a voice asked bringing Avery out of her thoughts and when she turned her head she felt like she had stopped breathing when she saw Paisley standing in front of her. Leaning so casually against her car.
A car Avery hadn’t even heard drive up but then again she had been zoned out.
Looking away from Paisley finally Avery let out a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding when she didn’t see Jim around. Afraid of what Cordelia’s dad would do or say if he saw Avery’s ex here in her driveway, half suspecting he’d tell Cordelia which she also didn’t want.
“What are you doing here?” Avery asked her ignoring the question Paisley had given her. “I mean I haven’t heard from you in days…you never even texted me back when I told you about Cordelia’s offer. I thought you went back to New York.”
Paisley scrunched up her nose as she looked away from Avery, staring down at the pavement as if it was the best thing in the world. “Thought about going back to New York but decided to stay for a few days longer at my cousin’s house. I was…well my plane leaves in a few hours so I was on my way to the airport actually.”
“And you came by here?” Avery asked another question. “Why and how did you even know I was here? I mean I believe in luck and all that but this is a bit too much luck that I would be here when you happened to drop in on your way to the airport.”
“Your brother Mac may have told me you were packing up and heading off today,” Paisley answered as she looked back up at Avery.
Avery not sure why she was surprised by the news that Paisley and Mac kept in touch. Figured Paisley would cut off all contact with Avery’s family now that they were over or trying to be over for good now maybe.
Because that was what they were trying to do right? Have a clean break from each other even if Paisley was literally standing right in front of her.
“And I’m not really sure why I came by. I guess maybe to see you one last time. Know that this was what you really wanted even if you have found a way to not have to move in with Cordelia,” Paisley continued speaking in Avery’s silence.
Blinking several times to fight off tears that wanted to come out Avery sighed. Almost wanting to tell Paisley no, this wasn’t what she wanted. What she wanted was to be with Paisley maybe living in New York but Avery opted not too.
Knew that she couldn’t in the end. She had to think of Cordelia for once.
“Yeah, this is what I want,” Avery told her as she finally made herself force a smile.
“And you’re still an awful liar Hanson,” Paisley laughed though it didn’t seem genuine. “Just… I wish you knew you don’t always have to live to make other people happy. That you don’t have to run off to California or even stay there because you think it would make Cordelia happy.”
Avery shook her head, “I don’t live to make others happy,” she argued but knew it was no use because Paisley had a point.
She did kind of live to do that. First with her family who she had disappointed and now here she was doing it with Cordelia too, maybe trying to make up for not returning her feelings when she had first confessed how she felt. Even if now she still didn’t return them like Cordelia wanted.
“Yeah you kind of do,” Paisley told Avery giving her a look that told Avery not to bullshit her anymore. “But I hope one day you’ll finally live to make yourself happy. That’s all I want for you, you know. I want you happy Avery Laurel Hanson.”
Again Avery blinked to fight off tears this time she failed. Her tears that she was fighting finding a way down her cheeks despite her best efforts.
“I know,” Avery told Paisley and she did know that was all Paisley wanted for her. Because despite the fact that Paisley seemed to think Avery would just use her so carelessly she still wanted her happy. “And I want to be happy.”
Frowning Paisley moved from her car, walking over to Avery and pulling her into a hug. Avery burying her head into the smaller girl’s neck like she always did.
“Then be happy Hanson,” Paisley muttered to her as she squeezed Avery some. “Choose happiness,” she said and there was something in Paisley’s words that made Avery calm some. Her head lifting as she looked at Paisley through unshed tears.
“And how do I do that?” she asked her with a raised eyebrow.
Knowing in her gut as her brown eyes locked with Paisley’s greenish blue ones what she meant. How Avery could chose her happiness but she wanted to hear Paisley say it. Needed to hear Paisley say it.
Paisley rolled her eyes as she shook her head. “You can’t be that dense Avery,” she told her before leaning in and letting her forehead rest against Avery’s softly. Avery knowing if Cordelia’s dad came outside now she would definitely have a lot of explaining to do. “Come to New York with me. I’ll even drive that damn ugly U-Haul and let you drive my car. Screw the flight I have. Just come with me.”
Avery paused briefly as she took in Paisley’s words. Knowing they had been what she wanted to hear. But she still somehow felt like she was in a dream. Waiting for the cue to wake up at any moment though it never came.
But before she could open her mouth to answer Paisley someone cleared their throat from behind them and Avery moved away from Paisley’s embrace. Feeling like she had went ten times paler when she saw Jim standing in front of the open U-Haul.
Some of Avery’s stuff in his hands as he just stood there looking at Avery in a judgemental way. A way which said he knew every secret Avery was keeping from his daughter and he didn’t approve and a way that made Avery feel guilty for every secret she was keeping from Cordelia.
Turning to look back at Paisley, Avery shook her head no. “I..I can’t do that Paisley,” she spoke her words making her feel as if she were swallowing acid.
Mainly because they were the words she hadn’t wanted to say. She had been so close to agreeing to go with Paisley and choose that happiness but now with Cordelia’s dad standing here there was no way she could do that and maybe this was the universe’s way of telling her that.
Paisley’s face changed after Avery said what she did. A wall coming up so Avery couldn’t read her emotions which was probably for the best.
“Have fun in California then Hanson,” Paisley spoke her words sending a chill down Avery’s spine with how cold she had said them.
Avery feeling a lump form in her throat as she just stood there and watched Paisley walk back to her car. Getting in and soon driving away. Leaving what felt like an even bigger hole in Avery’s heart and all Avery wanted to do was cry again but she knew she couldn’t.
Not with Jim here. Not when he already suspected something fishy more than likely.