November 2008
Standing in the bathroom, Avery kept her pajama pants pulled down slightly as she eyed the tattoo she had gotten days ago. A tiny little camera on her hip bone and one that she could easily hide from everyone, except of course Cordelia would see it eventually when they had sex.
But for now it was even still a secret from her girlfriend, Avery feeling like she couldn’t tell Cordelia just yet. Knowing where her mind would go.
Who it would go too and of course maybe she had every reason for that to happen. A camera was such a Paisley thing since it was photographs she was into but well Avery could lie.
Not tell Cordelia about the words she had once muttered to Paisley in Paris. That she’d get a tattoo on her hip bone as a symbol of showing their commitment for Paisley just to see, while she wore a ring openly on her finger for everyone else to see.
Whereas Paisley had mentioned getting a tattoo on her ring finger, something she had apparently done. Which maybe it was why Avery went ahead and got hers.
Even if she knew deep down she’d never get back with Paisley. They were done and in each other’s past though it seemed both of them had some trouble in letting go of each other for good.
Like how they had, had sex in Charlotte or how Paisley had called her on her birthday. It was like neither were ready to say goodbye for real.
Avery knowing she needed too though for Cordelia’s sake. If she wanted the relationship with Cordelia to work that was and god did she want it to work.
Needed it to work because she did like Cordelia….could see herself loving her one day. Hating that she knew if Cordelia muttered those words to her right now there was no way Avery could say them back truthfully.
Not when she wasn’t in love with Cordelia just yet. She was just still in the liking stage. Liking her for making her feel better, for making her forget whenever they were together that there was a Paisley sized hole in her life. Liked that she had helped her cope with the break up.
But there was no love yet. No home feeling that Paisley had given her but well Avery figured it could just be because they were never in the same state often.
Cordelia being in California while Avery was stuck here in Tulsa.
Pulling her pants up slight Avery shook her head as she drug herself out of her own mind. Finishing her bedtime routine before turning to leave the bathroom.
Though on her way out she nearly collided with Jessica who must have just gotten in from being at Joe’s house for dinner.
“Jessie?” Avery questioned with a raised eyebrow as she looked at her sister. “Is everything okay?”
Jessica shook her head no as she eyed Avery, “Things went to shit at Joe’s tonight,” she told Avery softly. Avery knowing it had to be serious business because her sister usually never cursed ever.
“Went to shit how?” Avery asked hoping and praying that Jessica and Joe hadn’t broken up.
Not when they seemed to mesh so well together but well this season didn’t seem to be a good one for her family so a breakup wouldn’t have shocked her really in the end.
“Jeremy came out as gay and his family interrupted into a mess of arguments,” Jessica explained Avery doing her best not to give away the fact that she knew this news. That she had known for ages. “So I just sort of left because I wanted to avoid the drama.”
“Oh,” Avery muttered out softly. “And what did you think of him coming out as gay?” she asked curiously not wanting to seem obvious that maybe she wanted to know for her own reasons.
“I was surprised I mean he dated you for several months,” Jessica answered with a shake of her head. “But in the long run it’s him that is making a mistake.”
Avery raised her eyebrows at Jessica’s words, “A mistake?” she asked softly not sure what Jessica even meant by that because how could their be a mistake in being gay? You couldn’t help who you loved. Love was love regardless of gender.
“It’s a sin Avie,” Jessica muttered as if Avery was clearly stupid. “We’ve all had it preached to us for years. But it’s his mistake and he’s the one who’s going to have to live with the consequences.”
Avery went silent for a bit, swallowing a lump in her throat as she looked away from her sister. Almost afraid of what Jessica would say if she knew the younger sister she loved dearly was also gay. Had loved a girl and was now dating another girl.
“Right,” Avery whispered out hoping Jessica didn’t hear the catch in her voice. “It’s a sin but only according to people who go to church,” she added on. “You and I aren’t the biggest church goers in the family.”
Jessica laughed at that, “Maybe not but I believe what I was taught. When has anything ever been wrong?” she questioned with a tilt of her head.
Avery again went silent deciding to just play along for now, “Yeah, I guess you have a point,” she nodded her head with a tiny smile before moving to head to her bedroom.
Making it to her bedroom she reached for her cell phone and quickly dialed Jeremy’s number. Not sure if he’d answer or if his family was still arguing.
But after the fourth ring Jeremy’s choked out voice offered a hello which made Avery frown softly. Hating how devastated he sounded.
“Hey,” Avery spoke softly. “I heard from Jessie what happened,” she told him as she laid back on her bed some. “Figured you might want to hear from a friend or something.”
Jeremy laughed though it sounded strained, “Yeah I came out and it didn’t go well,” he muttered with a heavy sounding sigh. “They want me to go to counseling.”
“Counseling? For what?” Avery asked sounding shocked by that. “You aren’t messed up Jer.”
“According to them I am. Something has to be wrong in my brain to make me gay.”
Frowning more at that, Avery looked up at her ceiling, “So are you going to tell them to shove their opinions and go to hell?” she asked which made both her and Jeremy laugh, his laugh sounding a bit happier but not by much.
“I wish it were as simple as that. If I don’t go to counseling they are going to kick me out and I’m not eighteen yet. I have nowhere else to go.”
“So you’re going to go to counseling then?” Avery questioned feeling like that was such an insane idea.
“I don’t have much of a choice Avery,” Jeremy told her sounding a bit angry and the last thing she wanted was him upset with her. “It’s either that or being kicked out of my home.”
“And Tyler is okay with this?”
“I also had to break up with him,” Jeremy confessed his anger dissipating into something else like sadness. “Again I had no choice,” he added on like he knew Avery would have said something and yeah she would have. “I know you’re probably not happy with that decision but put yourself in my shoes Avie. What’s going to happen whenever you come out and your family does the same?”
Going silent Avery kept staring at her ceiling, “Yeah well hopefully even though about half my family think being gay is a sin that they aren’t heartless enough to kick me out. I mean my mom loves all her children,” she told him knowing that she thought her mom loved them.
Even if sometimes it felt her love came with conditions…an I’ll love you but type of thing.
“I hope for your sake they don’t,” Jeremy told her with a sigh again. “I have to go though. I’m not even supposed to be on the phone. Not without one of my parents in the room anyway.”
At that Avery had to bite her tongue. Wanting to retort with where his parents afraid someone would corrupt him even more on the phone.
Instead though she offered him a goodbye before hanging up and after she hung up she moved to put her cellphone on the bedside table before closing her eyes and drifting off.
Waking in a sweat Avery sat up in bed, her breathing hard as she looked around her. Realizing that she was in her room and not in the dream she had been having.
A dream in which she had came out to her family and it had went badly. All of them rejecting her and leaving Avery broken. Broken and feeling like a small child.
Enough that it had shaken her even in her waking state was she shaken. The dream making her feel like that could actually happen. That whenever she chose to come out her family would reject her and send her packing because they’d never understand.
They’d never know how right it felt being in love even if that person you loved was the same sex as you. They’d never get that how no matter who you loved that it felt the same.
That Avery got the same feelings for girls that all her brothers got with their wives or that Jessica got with Joe. That being with Paisley was like coming home for her. A feeling she still hoped to have with Cordelia one day.
Which at the thought of Cordelia she reached over for her phone and turned it on. Finding her girlfriend’s name and sending her a text.
I can’t do it…I know you want me to come out to my family but I can’t do it. Jer did it last night and it went horribly and I’m terrified it will be the same if I do.
After hitting send Avery moved to put her phone away but stopped when she got a response from Cordelia before she could.
Your parents may surprise you Ave. I mean you told me your mom was fine with Junie and I after she knew for sure we were gay.
Yeah but that’s because she considered you two safe. Apparently I looked at you the way I do my sisters. It was Paisley she hated because she saw something non platonic there.
So I’m just a sister to you?
Reading Cordelia’s text back Avery rolled her eyes feeling like her best friend had missed the point entirely of her text.
Not anymore but you were then. Thanks for missing the entire point of my text though which is my mom won’t accept this and I don’t wanna be disowned.
Pftt whatevs Ave. I’m sure if this was Paisley you’d come out for her. Show everyone you loved her. I mean you sure as hell had no issue hiding it around Juniper and I…yet somehow after we became official in Charlotte you wouldn’t even hold my hand in public and now you don’t even want to come out of the closet fully to your family for me. Show them you love me and are proud of me.
Rolling her eyes again Avery shook her head.
That’s not true but I refuse to argue about this over text messages Cordelia Marie.
Fine Avery Laurel. We’ll just argue about it in person when I’m in T-Town for Thanksgiving.
After that message Avery shook her head and turned her phone off before laying back down in bed again. The conversation with Cordelia doing nothing to ease her worried mind.
Especially when maybe she had been right about Paisley without even knowing that Avery had, had plans to come out while dating her.
But then things went south and Avery lost her rock and her nerve. A nerve she still hadn’t gotten back.