November 2008
Standing in the crowded kitchen Avery frowned to herself as she looked down at her phone. Not in the least bit surprised that Cordelia hadn’t texted her back yet.
All she had done was send a short happy Thanksgiving text knowing that she probably wouldn’t get a response but maybe she had hoped for one. Hoped that somehow Cordelia had gotten over the tattoo and the fact that Avery had it.
Gotten over that she thought it symbolized Paisley when well maybe it did but she was hoping she could convince Cordelia otherwise. Get her girlfriend back on her good side because arguing with her wasn’t fun nor was it what she needed.
Her whole life lately feeling like nothing but chaos. The only time the chaos had really stopped had been the few months she had with Paisley.
“You okay Avery?” Nikki asked bringing Avery out of her thoughts and she turned her head to give her sister-in-law a very forced smile.
“Why wouldn’t I be okay?” Avery questioned as she put her phone down on the table and walked to the stove to help her mom start to make some of the desserts that she had planned to fix.
Her mom of course outdoing herself this year in food, something she seemed to try every year. One up herself from the year before.
“Avie’s never been okay Nik,” Zoe piped up from where she sat at the kitchen table, not really doing much helping which didn’t surprise Avery.
It was no secret Zoe would have rather been outside with the boys playing football then in her with the women making the food.
Avery herself though always thrived in the kitchen. Baking and cooking being one thing she loved to do about as much as she loved art and maybe that was why. Because cooking allowed her to create things and make new creations from scratch just like art did.
“Funny,” Avery retorted with a playful eye roll. “Just too funny Zoe.”
Nikki only chuckled at the girl’s interaction, “You just seem off today. Been staring at your phone more than you have actually helping which is so unlike you.”
“She has a point,” Kate added on from where she was at one of the counters with Natalie, preparing a potato salad. “You usually love being in the kitchen but today you’ve just been so blah.”
Blushing at Kate’s words Avery looked down with a shrug, “Just having an argument with a friend,” she admitted to some of the truth.
Not telling that said friend was Cordelia who was more than just a friend now.
“Which friend?” Diana asked as she turned to look at Avery with an intense curiosity. “Please don’t tell me you’ve gotten back together with that Presley girl.”
Avery rolled her eyes again at that, “No not Paisley,” she said using Paisley’s real name. “It’s Cordy. We got into a stupid fight when I went to go see her last night and it’s just bugging me because she’s still mad at me,” she explained with a smile.
Thankful when her words seemed to shut everyone up for the time being. Avery doing her best to concentrate on the tasks of cooking.
Something that seemed to work for awhile though after Taylor came in to help the women Avery seemed to pay less attention.
Waiting until most of the men had found their way in and half the cooking was done to reach for her phone and head outside to the pool house.
Hoping that once she was alone in there that she could call Cordelia and maybe she’d answer if she wasn’t too busy with her family or something.
Making it to the pool house Avery sat down on the couch and dialed Cordelia’s number. Holding the phone to her ear as she waited for an answer. A frown finding it’s way to her face when in the end she got Cordelia’s voicemail and maybe Avery felt Cordelia wasn’t busy.
That she was just ignoring Avery instead which hurt because she didn’t want to be ignored by her girlfriend. The last time that had happened she had been cheated on.
“Hey Cordy,” Avery spoke after the beep once Cordelia’s voicemail greeting was over. “It’s me trying to call you and see if you’re available but I guess you aren’t. That or you know you’re ignoring me. Which I guess I can see why you are you know. But I’m sorry about the tattoo and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. That doesn’t change how I feel about you though or that I’m here willing to try. I mean it has to mean something that I’m calling you, trying to contact you. Not Paisley or anyone else. Just you my girlfriend who I care so much about. Just call me when you get the time or whenever you forgive me.”
After speaking her long rambling words to Cordelia, Avery ended the call and laid her cell phone back on the table as she stayed sitting on the couch for a bit longer. Her hands finding the hem of her skirt which she played with some.
Heaving a tiny sigh as she played with the hem of her skirt, Avery let herself get lost in her thoughts. Thoughts about how much had changed in her life these past months of this year.
A year that was almost over…how she had, had her first girlfriend and lost her. How she now had her second girlfriend and how she feared she was on the verge of losing her as well. Not wanting to lose two relationships before the fucking year was done.
Willing to cling to Cordelia like a fucking anchor if she had too. If that was what it took because maybe all she wanted was love and to be loved. After having it with Paisley..having someone who saw her and understood her. Got all her bad and good sides.
Someone who pushed her and changed her.
Avery though must have gotten too lost in her thoughts, not even having realized she wasn’t alone in the pool house. Not until she heard a familiar voice speaking to her.
“Hiding from the family?” Zac asked making her turn to look at him.
“Something like that,” Avery told him with a tiny smirk as she looked him over. A bit surprised that he was even skinnier than the last time she saw him. Which was a month ago now. “What about you?”
“Just getting ready to start the festivities, I guess,” Zac replied. “Wanna head back to the main house with me?”
Avery considered his offer all of a few seconds before knowing that maybe they needed to talk first. “I think maybe we should talk first,” she told him nicely but hoping even in her niceness that he could hear how serious she was.
“Okay,” Zac spoke sounding hesitant but even with the hesitance he still sat down on the couch next to her.
Looking away from Zac after he sat down, Avery did her best to try to think of a way to broach the subject as best as she could. Not wanting to make her older brother mad at her because she already had Cordelia angry with her and one person was enough.
“I’m worried about you Zac,” Avery finally told him as she looked over at him again.
“Worried?” Zac mused his eyebrows furrowing like he didn’t see a reason why she’d be worried.
“You’re so skinny lately,” Avery told him not sure how no one could have told him this before. “You’re wasting away.”
“Please,” Zac told her almost sounding sarcastic as he grabbed his stomach and pinching it.
Obviously trying to prove a point to her that he wasn’t that skinny. A point that fell on deaf ears.
“I can practically count your ribs from here,” Avery said as she narrowed her eyes at him. “I’m not surprised that you don’t see it, but the rest of us do. You’re losing way too much weight and you’ve lost it way too quickly.”
“So what are you saying?” Zac asked her though from his tone it seemed like he already knew what she was saying.
“I’m saying I really don’t think this is healthy,” Avery admitted honestly. “I think…I don’t know what you’re doing or how you’re doing it, so I’m not going to say…I’m not going to diagnose you here,” she sighed with a shake of her head. “I’m not a doctor, a psychiatrist, whatever. I just know that this doesn’t look good Zac. It scares me and if it scares me and I don’t even get to spend that much time with you then I can only imagine what everyone else sees and what they think.”
“No one else has said anything,” Zac retorted almost too fast.
Fast enough that Avery suspected it was a lie.
“I doubt that,” Avery mumbled under her breath some. “But even if they haven’t, they’re probably just too caught up in their own problems. Maybe it’s because I don’t see you every day that I can see the difference so clearly. To everyone else, it’s more gradual. But I see you here and I think back to the last time I saw you,” she told him her mind going back to Charlotte. “And you were barely eating even then and you’re so, so much skinnier. I don’t know how anyone else could miss it, but obviously they have.”
“People see what they want to see,” Zac replied Avery feeling like she could relate to that.
Because apparently people did that with her. They only saw what they wanted and what they wanted was a good little heterosexual daughter, sister, and friend.
“And you think that doesn’t apply to you, too?” Avery shot back at him a bit cross. “I mean, look at you. You don’t see how scary skinny you are, how you’re disappearing in front of our eyes when you didn’t even need to lose weight to begin with, and you don’t see anyone else’s problems either! You just see this imagined problem with yourself, and you don’t ask anyone else what they’re going through. You’re not the only one hurting here, Zac.”
After saying all that Avery took a moment to catch her breath, realizing that was probably the most open she had been with her brother in months.
“I know I’m not. I never said I was,” Zac told her but the guilty look on his face let her know that he knew she was right.
On some level she was right and Zac knew that.
“But you never ask anyone else how they’re doing, do you?” Avery asked him with a raised eyebrow. “We can all pretty clearly see how you’re doing, even if most of us are too scared to talk about. But I bet you have no clue what’s going on in my life,” she frowned with a shake of her head. “We used to be so close, didn’t we? And now you have no clue,” she muttered out.
A part of her hating that Zac honestly had no idea. Hadn’t even realized with as close as she was to Paisley months ago that she was a lesbian or how he had missed her breakdown after Paisley was gone. How he hadn’t even seen clues besides how weird she had been at the airport.
Again a side effect of him seeing what he wanted to see.
“Then tell me what I have no clue about,” Zac replied as he eyed her a true genuine concern in his brown eyes. “I’m listening. I really am.”
“Zac..” Avery started having to pause some as she felt a whole bundle of nerves hit at the admission she was about to make. “I’m..I’m a lesbian.”
After her confession, Zac fell silent. A silence she didn’t like and one that made her feel almost close to having a panic attack.
“Can you please say something?” Avery asked him softly her voice cracking as she did.
“What should I say?” Zac asked her. “Did you expect me to disapprove or something? Because that kind of hurts, if you did. But I just… I didn’t know. That’s all. So I’m surprised. I just hope you’re happy.”
“I’m getting there,” Avery muttered out knowing she was far from happy right now but she was trying. “And I’m sorry, I should have known you would be okay with it. I don’t give you enough credit sometimes.”
“Nobody ever does,” Zac replied with a smile on his face.
Avery laughing at that though her laugh came out more of a sob thanks to the fact that the tears that had been threatening to come since her voice cracked, chose then to come out.
“None of that,” Zac told her after he reached up and wiped away a few of her stray tears. “This is Thanksgiving. We can’t go in there crying and depressed and shit. This is a happy day, a good day, right?”
Avery nodded, “Right, it is a good day. I came out to one person and he didn’t hate me for it.”
Zac slowly wrapped an arm around her shoulder, “I could never hate you for anything, Avie baby.”
“I could hate you for still calling me that,” Avery told him a teasing tone to her voice.
“But you know that’s what you’re always gonna be. You just need to get used to it,” Zac told her before his face turned serious. “And while I don’t hit women, any girl who breaks your heart is still going to have me to answer to.”
Avery laughed softly at that, “I’m not sure how intimidating that really is,” she told him honestly. “But thank you. For…everything.”
“You’re welcome. Thank you for…for trusting me, I guess. I feel kinda honored to be the first person you’ve told,” he smiled and Avery decided that she’d let him believe that and well there was some truth to it sort of.
He was the first person she had told in the family which had to count for something.
“And as far as everything else goes, I’m sorry that I’m worrying you,” Zac sighed. “I don’t want to worry people.”
Avery pursed her lips at his words, “If you eat a big dinner and a massive slice of pumpkin pie, I’ll forgive you and I won’t worry so much, at least for right now.”
Seeing Zac pause slightly at her words Avery chewed on her lip.
“Deal,” Zac finally spoke. “Just promise me won’t lose touch again, and if you ever need to talk to anyone…about…about girlfriend problems or whatever..just let me know.”
“I will,” Avery replied as she stood from the couch and held her hand out to Zac. “Now come on, let’s go inside while there’s still food left and before they send out the search parties,” she told him feeling happy when she got a laugh from him.
Helping him up after he had taken her hand and after he was up she let his hand go. Walking side by side with him out of the pool house and back to their parents main house.
Feeling a lot less heavy now that someone else close to her knew her secrets. Knew that she was a lesbian. Glad that it was Zac of all people and that he had been so accepting when she had been so afraid that he would have been one of the one’s to hate her.
Want nothing more to do with her and maybe even if things went to shit with Cordy she’d be okay. She still had Zac and Juniper and Ethan.
Maybe she didn’t need to cling so hard to someone or force something. But then again maybe she did.