February 2008
Swallowing her food hard, Avery paused at Cordelia’s words feeling all eyes on her now and a part of her wished she had the ability to make herself invisible. Or that by some chance of fate she had an invisibility cloak like in Harry Potter or something.
Then maybe she wouldn’t feel so judged by all the lesbians who were looking at her wondering why her date with a boy had been just alright. Even if one of the lesbians here at the table knew the exact reason why.
“It just was,” Avery finally spoke as she moved to take a sip of her drink. “There was just no magic there like I always thought would be there on a first day and so it was kind of just alright. But we have a second date this Friday. A double date with Jessie and Joe actually.”
“Yeah and that one will probably be just alright too,” Cordelia replied a bit more snarkier than usual and Avery just raised an eyebrow, not sure why her dating Jeremy seemed to be a sore subject more so for Cordelia than it did Juniper.
Even if they both thought she was a lesbian, Juniper had taken it better when she found out about Avery and Jeremy.
But before Avery could open her mouth to object to what Cordelia said, Juniper’s girlfriend Calliope decided to speak up then.
“Wait, you’re straight?” Calliope asked looking at her with a look of pure confusion. “Because you’ve pinged my gaydar since I came over to the table.”
“I know Cal,” Paisley nodded her head in agreement as she looked at Avery with a smirk and a hint of something else in her eyes. “This girl has pinged my gaydar as gay too from the moment I laid eyes on her today,” she finished as she kept her gaze on Avery the whole time she talked and all Avery could do was blush.
She knew why Paisley was saying what she was. After all it was Paisley she had, had sex with last night. But for Calliope to assume she was a lesbian too. Maybe she just had I’m A Lesbian tattooed on her head and everyone else in the room could see it but her.
Taking a bit of her food to distract herself from talking for a bit longer Avery only heaved a soft sigh.
“Yeah I’m straight,” she answered finally and she hoped no one caught how unsure and uneasy her voice sounded saying those words.
Words she now knew were probably a lie because she was at least bisexual.
Juniper shook her head at that, “I think you’re still lying to yourself,” she stated as she finished off her food. “I mean I get why you are too,” she said and as she spoke Avery couldn’t help but look at Cordelia. “You’re so used to always doing what’s comfortable to you so of course you’d do someone comfortable regardless of the fact that you’re probably in denial of your sexuality. Though I also think you’d do this even if you weren’t straight. You’d probably end up dating a girl who made you comfortable,” she shrugged as she took a drink of what was left of her water.
“And that’s a bad thing?” Avery asked as she slipped her hand back under the table once she had finished eating and she wasn’t one bit surprised to find Paisley’s hand waiting for her own.
“Not entirely but I think for you, you’d be more happy dating someone who wasn’t comfortable. Someone who made you a bit uncomfortable and challenged you,” she spoke with a smile and after she finished Avery felt Paisley gently squeeze her hand.
Her heart thudding in her chest a bit faster because of the still very thin line they were teetering on by holding hands like that.
“And I think you’re wrong,” Avery countered though saying those words almost made her hurt. Like someone had made her swallow acid or something. “Comfortable is nice too,” she sighed as her mind instantly started weighing Cordelia in her mind.
Wondering if she was the comfortable option or the more dangerous one when compared to Paisley which was a silly comparison because Cordelia didn’t like her and wasn’t even looking to date right now and Paisley didn’t even do relationships.
So both women were off limits to her in ways anyway even if she were fully a lesbian who wanted or could date women.
“Stay in denial a bit longer if you want Avery,” Juniper said as if she was chastising her right now. “But one day you’re going to realize I’m right and I don’t want you hurt when you do.”
At that Avery just let out a huff, resigning herself to the fact that her friends would always disagree with her on things like her sexuality and how she dated and maybe even if she knew they were partly right she was also stubborn and not ready to fully admit defeat.
So instead she just sat in the booth quietly for the remainder of the time they were there.
Though she did speak up again to offer a goodbye to Juniper as she left with Calliope and Paisley and as Paisley walked out the door behind Calliope and Juniper, Avery hated how she kind of missed the feel of Paisley’s hand against her own.
The way their fingers locked together easily. Like they were meant to hold hands which was a fucking crazy thought.
Coming out of her thoughts though Avery heaved a soft sigh as she looked at Cordelia who was finishing her drink. “So how come Juniper was going to bring you a blind date if you supposedly told her you weren’t looking to date anyone?” she asked with a raised eyebrow.
Avery knew it was probably wrong to question Cordelia on something she had found odd, especially when she herself wasn’t being honest with her friends right now but she was curious. A curiousness that was there because it was an odd thing to do if someone had said they weren’t looking to be in a relationship.
Cordelia blushed under Avery’s gaze and Avery watched as she looked away from her. Almost like she wasn’t able to keep eye contact or that the words out of her mouth would be a lie and Avery was always able to tell when she was lying.
It was something that came in handy after being friends for years. Which Avery guessed was why maybe Cordelia and Juniper knew something was off about her too.
“I..I guess maybe I didn’t exactly say I wasn’t looking to date anyone,” Cordelia answered her voice soft and almost whisper like. As if she didn’t want Avery to hear her admission. “I told her the person that I like isn’t available right now and you know Juniper. She took that as her cue to do something to cheer me up.”
“Oh,” Avery spoke her own voice wanting to give out but it didn’t luckily. “Do I know the person you like?” she asked and she hoped Cordelia didn’t catch the hint of jealousy in her voice.
Jealousy that was unfounded because Avery had no right to be. She and Cordelia were just friends and she probably would never be Cordelia’s type regardless of Cordelia being into girls. But even in her own denial of what she really was Avery may have held out a tiny fragment of hope.
“No,” Cordelia shook her head almost answering too fast and Avery had the feeling she did know the person but for some reason Cordelia didn’t want her to know who it was.
Which probably hurt as much as her liking someone did.
Avery only nodded her head at that knowing she didn’t want to call Cordelia on lying. In fact she really didn’t have a right too because she was lying herself and it would only make her a hypocrite to expect the truth from Cordelia while holding back her own truths.
“I should get going,” Avery said as she reached for her purse to get money for a tip as well as her part of the check she had decided to split with Cordelia when they had ordered. “Promised mom I’d watch Zoe and Mac tonight while she and dad went out since they didn’t really get too for Valentine’s Day. They had some of the little ones over so the parents could have alone time.”
Cordelia laughed at that, “You’re parents are never really going to stop raising children are they?” she asked with a tiny smirk on her lips.
“Probably not,” Avery agreed as she handed her part of the check to Cordelia. “But at least the grand kids they get to return after awhile. There never is any returning their real kids though sometimes I’m sure secretly they wished they could no matter how much they love us.”
“Surely they would never think of returning you,” Cordelia replied with a wink to Avery. A wink that made her blush. “You’re the good little angel.”
Avery laughed when Cordelia said that, her head automatically shaking. “I wish I was,” she admitted but she knew deep down if she truly really was a lesbian she would never be the good little angel or the good perfect daughter that they wanted. That was why she had to at least be bisexual. At least then she’d be half good.
Cordelia’s eyebrows rose after Avery spoke and Avery knew Cordelia was probably wanting to say something. Ask whatever question was on her mind but instead she only shook her head after awhile before taking a long drink of what was left of the diet coke she had ordered.
“Call me sometime within the week and stop ignoring me okay?” she finally spoke again.
Standing up from the booth Avery chewed her lip, “I wasn’t ignoring you before,” she spoke as she slung her purse strap over her shoulder.
“Yes you were,” Cordelia spoke sounding sure in that and all Avery did was blush and fall silent. “Just don’t do it again.”
“I won’t,” Avery said her voice coming out like a whisper as she finally turned to leave.
She knew she probably wouldn’t ignore Cordelia again. Mainly because Cordelia didn’t deserve that but she also knew it would hurt in ways probably. Talking to Cordelia while knowing Cordelia was keeping a secret from her and she was keeping one from both Cordelia and Juniper as well.
It was like Avery was slowly feeling like she was going to combust with all these secrets and she still had even more to keep once she did finally contact Jeremy again too.
Because there was no way she could be honest with Jeremy about anything. He wouldn’t understand her sexuality crisis and he surely wouldn’t understand the fact that she had cheated on him.
Making it to her car eventually after she was outside, Avery slipped inside and slowly just laid her head on the wheel knowing she needed to collect her thoughts before driving off. Knowing if she didn’t she’d probably break down and cry and she didn’t need that while driving.
Things would just end badly then but hell at this rate in Avery’s life it felt every move she was making was going to end badly and somehow in the end she’d probably be the one that got burned the worst.