January 2009
The next day Avery heaved a sigh as she finished loading up what she could in her SUV. Her dad at least doing something last night in pleading her case. Getting her mom to agree to let her keep most of her bigger items at the house until she found somewhere permanent to stay.
Mac promising afterward that he’d look after her stuff. Make sure their mom didn’t do anything to it. A fact that made her love her brother a tiny bit more than she already did.
“So this is it then,” Walker told her as he brought her the rest of what she was taking. Looking at her sadly as she loaded it into the back hatch, shutting it once the stuff was in.
“Guess it is,” Avery told him as she blinked several times to fight back tears. “Pretty sure mom will be glad to see her sinner daughter leave,” she spoke harshly with a shake of her head. “Now she can try to fix Zac’s issues,” she muttered out.
Everyone having been informed last night via a phone call with Nikki that Zac had, had a freak out at the New Year’s Eve party. Avery feeling somewhat better because it meant not all the attention was on her now.
Even if she was sad for Zac and wishing she could help him but she really couldn’t. Not when for the time being she was technically homeless.
She had no physical place to really call her own because her mom couldn’t accept that she was a lesbian.
Walker frowned as he reached to pull Avery into him, “Your mom cares Avie,” he told her trying to reassure her. “She just….she thinks this is best,” he sighed like he didn’t think it but of course he wasn’t going to test her mom.
He was just going to go along and keep the peace. Something she wanted to hate him for but she couldn’t. Not when he at least accepted her being gay.
Had told her as much last night after dinner. Told her she was still his daughter and he’d love her nonetheless.
“I don’t see how this is best,” Avery hiccuped as the tears she had been blinking back came out. Causing her to bury herself into the hug with her father. “What am I going to learn from this? There’s nothing to learn about myself besides what I already know.”
“I know baby girl,” Walker told her as he held her tighter. But soon enough he pulled away leaving her feeling empty. “Where are you going to go? I mean you can’t live in your car.”
Avery reached up to wipe her tears away, “Pai is letting me crash at her hotel tonight,” she revealed with a blush.
Almost glad that somehow even in her anger and sadness she had sent a text to Paisley telling her what happened. Paisley offering to let her stay tonight at the hotel she was staying at.
“Then tomorrow I’m going to Taylor and Natalie’s to sleep on their pull out for a few days,” Avery shrugged her shoulders. Glad that Natalie and Taylor had came through with letting her stay there. Even if they had told her it couldn’t be forever.
Avery realizing that the main reason for that was because Natalie didn’t want to get on her mom’s bad side by providing Avery refugee for long.
“And after that?” Diana spoke up surprising both Avery and Walker who turned to face her. “You going to sleep in your car and realize that you can’t make it on your own? Realize it’s not worth being homeless for something that’s just a phase even if it is a sin?”
“Then I’ll figure something out,” Avery told her mom who gave her father a look which made him turn and head inside.
Leaving them alone in the driveway.
“You’ll come running back,” Diana told her like she actually believed her words. “Maybe before you even spend the nights at Taylor and Natalie’s. Going to Paisley’s hotel room,” she spoke rather scornfully. “Running to her like you think she loves you. She doesn’t because if she did she wouldn’t have left you just because I told her to. Told her to find a way to leave you so that you could correct your life and so you wouldn’t hurt her first when realizing this thing. The notion you have in your head is a phase.”
Rolling her eyes, Avery shook her head as she ran a hand through her bangs. Having worn her hair in a half ponytail.
“It’s not a phase,” she stated sounding confident. “Goodbye mom,” she whispered hating when her voice cracked though that was her cue to turn away.
Getting in her car and starting it up. Her tears once again starting up as she pulled out of the driveway and drove away from her house.
Leaving behind so many memories and the place where she thought she’d always be welcome. Now realizing how wrong she had been.
Avery’d never be welcomed there again as long as she didn’t go against what she was. Knowing she could never betray herself like that because she was done lying. Done denying how much she wasn’t straight. How much she loved girls and how proud of this aspect of her life she was.
“You know I don’t get why you and Junie think I’m gay,” Avery spoke as she sat beside Cordelia in the treehouse that had been built several years back on her family’s land.
A treehouse that fifteen year old Avery was probably too big to be using yet here she was. Sitting in one weeks after coming back from summer camp in Greece. A few days of good weather still looming and she wanted to take advantage of it.
Before it really truly turned into fall and it was too cold to come outside. Spend the night in this treehouse.
Cordelia raised her eyebrow as she looked at Avery almost flabbergasted. Leaving Avery confused as to why she would.
The answer to her question shouldn’t have been that easy.
“You really don’t remember?” Cordelia questioned her as if she were dumb.
Which made Avery feel slightly dumb of course. Even if she doubted that she truly was dumb at all.
Avery shook her head at that, “No I don’t remember,” she told her honestly watching as Cordelia’s face changed.
“That party the day after you got back from Greece,” Cordelia sighed as she moved a bit closer to Avery. “The one Junie was invited too thanks to her hanging out with the older crowd of people because she likes to pretend that she’s way older than her age when the real thing is she just makes people fall in love with her extroverted attitude.”
“Yeah I remember that party,” Avery laughed softly. “It was full of mostly gay people.”
“It was full of all gay people,” Cordelia rolled her eyes at that. “In the end though Junie and I…we saw you kissing that girl on the balcony. We were coming to get you because her parents had texted her having a freakout since she lied about where she was and we saw you kissing a girl and decided to wait until you were done.”
Avery blushed at Cordelia’s words as she looked away from her friend. Knowing that of course she remembered the kiss. It had been her first kiss after all even if the person she had kissed was slightly drunk and ranting over how they had gotten into the first fight with the girl they were dating.
But no that had been a boy..Avery was sure of that. Down from the baggy clothes and the way he had one side of his head shaved. It was a boy.
“That wasn’t a girl,” Avery defended as she made a face because surely she’d have none if she kissed a girl. Would have known if her first kiss had been with a girl instead of a boy.
Cordelia chuckled as she reached out to pull Avery into her, “Junie and I have never seen that person before Avie but trust us. It was a girl and we’re convinced you’re a lesbian now because of that. That and you were kissing them so naturally. Like it was what your body knew how to do.”
Blushing Avery only buried herself deeper into Cordelia. “P wasn’t a girl,” she told her not sounding so confident. Almost sounding ashamed now.
Ashamed and disgusted that maybe she had kissed a girl. Even if at the time it had felt natural. It was wrong a sin and Avery knew as much. Even if she knew she didn’t really truly believe it could be that much of a sin. Especially not since her two bestest friends in the world were gay.
But it had been ingrained in her brain since the time she was little that it was wrong. It was wrong and how could she have not known.
“P?” Cordelia questioned as she held Avery a bit tighter. Avery wishing that she could stay curled into Cordelia’s side forever.
Just to hide away from the shame she felt right now.
“That’s what he….they….maybe she said her name was,” Avery whispered as she felt tears forming in her eyes as she pulled away from Cordelia now. “It was probably short for something else but I never asked what,” she spoke not feeling relief that she hadn’t.
If she had she would have known it was a girl maybe but then again she had learned that the person’s name was P before she even kissed them so maybe if she had questioned it she wouldn’t have kissed them even if in retrospect the kiss had been amazing.
Everything Avery had felt a first kiss should be.
Cordelia frowned some as she looked Avery over, “You know it’s okay if you kissed a girl Avie. I mean Junie and I do and we’re still fine.”
“It’s not okay,” Avery frowned as the tears finally went down her cheeks. “I’ll get disowned by my entire family and maybe even sent to hell by God. So can we make a pact just to forget about that kiss. Just never talk about it again even if you are convinced I am a lesbian,” she spoke as she wiped at her eyes. “Please.”
Cordelia’s frown deepened but she nodded her head, “Deal Avie….anything for you,” she spoke Avery not missing how hurt she sounded.
Parking her car outside of the hotel where Paisley was staying. Avery stayed in it for several minutes as she pulled down her sun visor. Looking in the mirror long enough to make sure she didn’t look too much like a mess.
After all she had been crying most of the way here and the last thing she wanted was to look a mess. Even if Paisley had seen her in different states of being a mess before. In this moment Avery just wanted to appear strong even if she felt anything but.
Closing the visor Avery took several deep breaths before finally getting out of her car and heading to the backseat where she got the duffel bag that contained some of her clothes.
The clothes that she’d make due with for now.
Slipping the bag over her shoulder she finally headed inside the hotel. Going to the room number that Paisley had given her and knocking.
Not even having to wait that long until the door was thrown open and she face to face with the girl who it seemed was always going to be forever entwined with her life.
“Hey,” Avery squeaked out her voice cracking as a new set of tears went down her cheeks.
“Come here Avie,” Paisley muttered as she reached out for Avery, pulling her into a hug as she lead her into the room.
Avery once again finding a way to hide her head in the shorter girl’s shoulder as she cried harder. Half wishing she had been able to keep her calm composure.
“It’s gonna be okay Avie,” Paisley reassured her as she just stood in the hotel room holding Avery. “I promise you that.”
Avery closed her eyes tight at that. Not sure she believed her words. Not sure if anything would feel okay again because how could it?
“How can anything be okay when I’ve lost most of my family Pai?” Avery questioned with a slight hiccup to her words.
Her crying getting worse when Paisley didn’t answer her. Leaving Avery to know the answer wasn’t that immediate not yet anyway.