“J-J-J-J-J-Juuuunia…” I sang, to the tune of Juliet, as I helped Zac’s daughter get ready for bed. I couldn’t help but sing it sometimes, even though he had changed the name in the song. She smiled with delight at the sound of the melody.
“That song’s about me!” she exclaimed, reaching her arms up so I could put her nightgown over her head.
“I know! People think it’s just a silly love song but it’s actually about the prettiest little girl ever,” I said, booping her on the nose. She giggled, and I hoped that she would settle down and go to bed fairly soon. One of the reasons I loved babysitting for my brothers was the alone time I got once their kids went to bed. I was so used to being in a house (or tour bus) crammed with siblings It was nice to have a few hours to just watch TV or read.
Once I got Abe to go down for the night, I wandered back to the living room and flopped down on the couch. Zac had a huge TV, and I flipped it on, browsing through Netflix, but I didn’t know if I was really in the mood for a movie. I looked at the clock, seeing it was only 8:30 (Zac was pretty strict about bedtime). I wandered into his office and logged onto his computer. Maybe I would watch some youtube videos.
While the computer booted up, I spun around mindlessly in his office chair, looking at the pictures on his desk and shelves. They were mostly of Kate and the kids, barely any of them had him in the frame. There were none of the band, or of any of his siblings, including me. I was the first to admit that I had a bad habit of snooping. Most of what I knew about my family wasn’t even told directly to me, but overheard. I remembered having to act shocked when Avery came out to the family, even though I had eavesdropped enough to know exactly who she was in love with.
I liked knowing things. It made me feel like I was important, in some way or another.
I opened the browser on the computer and it automatically opened Zac’s inbox. I saw an unread email between him, Taylor, and Ike, whose subject was They’re at it again. Ike’s name was bolded, meaning that he was the last person to respond. I opened it before even thinking, my curiosity getting the better of me.
From: Isaac Hanson
To: J. Taylor Hanson, Zac Hanson
Subject: Re: They’re at it again
Yeah, I mean it’s not the worst thing that’s ever happened to us, but I don’t like it either. Maybe we can get someone from the office to contact them and have it taken down. It’s not like it’s a scandal or anything, but I would just rather not have pictures of Zac at that time or his personal business being circulated on the internet, even if they don’t mean anything by it. It’s just a respect issue. Let me know what you guys think and I’ll put the wheels in motion
-I
My forehead contorted in confusion. I scrolled down to the beginning of the email exchange and read what it was that Ike was talking about.
From: Isaac Hanson
To: J. Taylor Hanson, Zac Hanson
Re: They’re at it again
Hey guys, so I stumbled on some stuff online about Zac in treatment. There are pictures of him outside the center and information about his diagnosis. I probably shouldn’t have been looking anyway, but now I’m riled up.
-I
I knew that Zac didn’t like to talk about his time in treatment, at least not to anyone but Kate and Ike and sometimes Avery. It definitely wasn’t something I understood. When I had been about fourteen, I asked him about it, finally sick of trying to overhear conversations and piece everything together. It turned into the longest conversation I have ever had with my brother.
“I know I was young when it happened, and I guess Mom was just trying to protect me.”
“Yeah, but it’s nothing to sweep under the rug. It happened to me. I know I don’t talk about it a lot but it’s not something I mind talking about, I promise. But yeah, you were pretty young.”
“So like…what was wrong? You wanted to lose weight?”
I had heard the terms anorexic and restriction tossed around in the phone calls Zac had made from the treatment center in the spring of 2009. I would always scurry down to the basement and pick up the phone, catching the tail end of his updates. I, of course, knew what anorexia was. But I only knew it as some mythical disease from TV shows owned by dancers and waifish girls with razor sharp collarbones. It wasn’t something that affected boys, and definitely not my brother.
“No, Zo-bug, it’s a little more complicated than that. I learned a lot in treatment about how sometimes your brain makes you think things that aren’t true, like…sometimes it might make you think that the world doesn’t need you and it might be better if you disappear. Not eating, or making myself throw up, was a way to disappear a little bit at a time. If that makes sense.”
“Yeah…I think it does. I just…I guess I just never realized it was happening”
“Well that’s another thing that your brain does when you’re sick with this particular thing. It makes you really good at hiding it from the people you love the most. It tricks you into believing that it loves you more than your family does.”
It sounded terrifying. When Zac had come home later that spring, his face had filled back out and even his hair looked healthier.
“So you got better in California?”
“I did, but it wasn’t over, exactly. The center just gave me the tools to start the real journey, which is now. There are days that are harder than others.”
“Thanks for telling me.”
“Thanks for asking me,” he said, with a genuine smile.
I still didn’t really understand it, and maybe I never would. I didn’t understand how someone with girls screaming his name at every tour stop could ever think that the world would be better if he just disappeared. But I was grateful for the conversation, and for his honesty.
I clicked the link Ike had sent in the email, taking me to a corner of a fan website with pictures of Zac outside the treatment center. My breath caught in my throat. I guess I was just so used to how he looked now, and I had been so young and carefree when he left, that I had completely forgotten how different he looked. It wasn’t even that he was skinny, it was all in his face. He had dark circles around his lifeless eyes. I closed out of the site as quickly as I could, feeling like I had just seen a ghost.
I heard keys jangle and looked up at the clock, realizing it was 9:30 and already time for Zac and Kate to return home from their date night. I flew out of the office and flopped down on the couch with a book in my hand just as they entered the living room.
“Welcome home, guys!” I said, sounding overly cheerful.
“Thank you so much, Zoe, seriously, You’re a God send,” Kate said quietly.
“You know, that’s exactly what Natalie said to me the other day. Good to know,” I said with the brash over-confidence I had somehow acquired in my teenage years. Zac smirked before offering to drive me home. I had walked over earlier this evening, but now that it was dark out, I took him up on the offer.
“So…excited for summer?” He asked, breaking the awkward silence in the car.
“Yeah, I guess. I kinda want to take a trip or something.”
“That would be fun. I’m excited to get back on the road.”
“Oh right…tour.”
“Yep.”
I wanted so badly to bring up the emails I had seen on his computer, but there was no way to do that without admitting to blatant snooping. Zac pulled up outside the house and thanked me again for the last minute babysit.
I went inside, after noting that Mac’s car was not in the driveway, and went straight up to my room and opened my laptop. I clicked around the fan website that Ike had linked my brothers to until I found the pictures of Zac in San Jose again. I went back to the main menu and clicked the contact option. I’d get those pictures taken down.