I will never forget the night I saw Avery and Paisley having sex in Avery’s room. I would say it was an accident, but it wasn’t. I heard them, and I looked. I’m the one that turned the knob silently, a trick of the youngest sister trade, and peeked into the dark room, seeing my sister and another girl intertwined and panting, sweat on their faces. I regretted it immediately. My eyes wide and my hands shaking, I closed the door as quietly as possible, and scurried to my bedroom, pulling the covers over my head and shutting my eyes as tightly as possible. I never thought, in a million years, that my sister would be a sinner. I knew that she sometimes frustrated our mom. I knew that she was good friends with a lot of girls, and sometimes they seemed closer than any friend I had ever had, but I never knew that she would go against God so blatantly. In our house, no less.
I remember my ten year old brain weighing my options. If it had been anything else…If I had seen her sipping someone’s drink or seen her smoking with Zac, I probably wouldn’t have tattled. But I had to. Mom had to know.
It’s something that I have gone over again and again in my mind. What happened and why…why I felt the need to tell mom…why I put all of that energy into pleasing my mother just so I could ruin my relationship with my sister. I just felt like there wasn’t any other option.
And yet, here was my bubbly, charismatic sister, almost never without a smile on her face, ushering us into her apartment building and up the stairs. I couldn’t help but smile. Avery oozed energy. She was just one of those people that made you feel excited and comfortable all at the same time. She babbled slightly as we followed her down the hall, clearly just as nervous as I was.
“I don’t know how much time you’re planning on spending here but I was thinking, if you all hadn’t already eaten, we could all go to brunch. If you’re up for it! And only if you’re hungry. But there are a couple places around that we love to go, and I would love to take you guys.
We. Us. She used the words so effortlessly. I wondered what that felt like. To be so in tune with a person that you become a unit. To be able to wake up and turn to your partner and say “Brunch?” and have them nod with sleepy glee.
“That sounds good,” Mac said, looking at me for approval. I smiled, letting him know it was okay. “We didn’t really have breakfast and I’m starving.”
“Oh, awesome! It’s just a few blocks away so we can walk, too. It’s so nice out. So…here we are. This is our apartment!” She opened the door and I was immediately struck by how…Avery it was. It was a pretty small place, but she made the most out of it. There was art everywhere, of course. It was all colors and sunshine, with plants blooming in the windows.
“I’ll give you the grand tour! This is the living room…” she said as she led us around the small space. Right off the living room was the kitchen, with all sorts of letters and wedding invitations and birth announcements on the fridge. I lingered there for a moment longer than my siblings, looking at all the friends Avery had collected over the years. As Avery ushered Mackie into her bedroom, I heard the front door open.
“Avie, they didn’t the tea you like but…oh…hey Zoe.”
“Hi Paisley,” I said to my sister’s girlfriend, attempting to sound confident.
Avery rushed back into the kitchen and helped Paisley with the grocery bags she was holding, unloading them onto the counter.
“Pai, we’re all gonna go to brunch, so let’s just put this stuff away and then get going, okay?”
“Yeah, sounds good babe.”
I glanced around the kitchen, attempting to find something to look at other than Paisley. She hadn’t changed much since I saw her last. She had a young face that showed no signs of age, which made her seem even more like a ghost from my past. I fiddled with my phone nervously, Mackie nudging me and catching my eyes, making sure I was still okay. I smiled meekly up at him.
The four of us made our way to the little cafe a few blocks away and put our name on the waitlist. It was a saturday morning, so the need for brunch was strong. I wanted nothing more than to sit immediately and shovel eggs into my mouth, seeing as I hadn’t eaten much the day before. As we walked there, Mac and I fell behind Avery and Paisley, who held hands and fell in step with each other.
“Do you think she still hates me?” I muttered to my brother.
“Who?”
“Oh my God, who do you think??”
“Oh, Paisley? Nah.”
“She totally does.”
“Calm down, play it cool sis.”
“I don’t know how to do that.”
“You guys coming?” Avery called over her shoulder, giggling back at us.
When we sat down on the benches outside to wait for our name to be called, Paisley and Mac fell into a natural conversation (they always seemed to get along pretty well, now that I was thinking about it), leaving Avery and I to make awkward small talk.
“So, how’s T-Town?” she asked me.
“It’s fine, I guess. Pretty boring. Tour is in August so hopefully I can go to some shows and I’ll definitely have some babysitting opportunities.”
“Ah, yes. Tour time.”
“Yep.”
“How was H-day this year?”
“Crazy, as always.”
“I’m sorry I couldn’t be there it’s just…well…you know…”
“Hey, you don’t have to apologize to me. It was fine, we always make it work. And yeah. I know.”
“School going okay?”
“Yep, it’s fine.”
“Cool.”
“Do you like it here?”
“I love it! You guys need to come visit me more often, I mean…I’m only an hour away.”
“Hanson, party of four?” The hostess called, causing us all to turn and look. When we went up to be seated, she gathered menus and turned to look at us smiling. “You know, they were my favorite band when I was little. I always giggle when I see that name on the waitlist. I’m sure you get that all the time,” she joked.
“There’s a band called Hanson?” Mac replied sarcastically, and I elbowed him in the stomach.
“Yeah, they’re brothers…maybe you’re too young to know them.”
I snorted with laughter behind my hand as we sat down. “You’re terrible,” I said to Mac after the hostess had walked away.
“I’m hilarious and you know it.”
“Right.”
***
I woke up from a fitful sleep early the next morning, images of my sister and Paisley branded on the back of my eyelids, making real rest impossible. I got up and went downstairs to get a glass of water, and waited for my mom to appear. About an hour later she walked down to the kitchen to get breakfast going, and jumped at my presence.
“What are you doing up, Zo Bug?”
“I couldn’t sleep.”
“Oh no! I thought you would be tuckered out after the party yesterday. You were up pretty late.”
“I know.”
Mom started a pot of coffee and surveyed the contents of the fridge.
“Hey Mom?”
“What is it sweetie?” She asked, turning around and seeing my troubled face. She came over to sit with me at the table.
“I need to um…I need to tell you something.”
***
The flow of conversation, thankfully, became easier as the morning wore on. Avery and Paisley ordered a round of mimosas while Mac and I slurped down even more coffee. By this time I was shaking in my skin from too much caffeine with not enough in my stomach to soak it up. I felt wired and almost too aware of my surroundings.
Mac talked about his Tulsa friends and the music he was making out in LA. He mentioned Charlotte, throwing Avery a knowing glance, the meaning I couldn’t quite place.
“Wow, I can’t believe she’s pregnant. Is she married?”
“Yeah, she got married last fall.”
“Gosh. Time flies.”
“Yeah we’re all getting old, Avie Baby.”
Avery snorted and turned to me, trying her best not to leave me out of the conversation. “So what else have you been up to this summer, Zo?”
“Um not much really. Just like…church and stuff.”
I saw Paisley roll her eyes quickly, almost too fast for anyone to see. I furrowed my brown in her direction. “Something wrong, Paisley?” I said before I could stop myself.
“Nope, not a thing, Zo Bug,” She replied, taking a sip of her mimosa and emphasizing my pet name sarcastically.
“Um so yeah…I’m thinking about maybe doing a mission trip later this year. A bunch of my friends are thinking about it.”
“What is it for, to pray the gay away?” Paisley mumbled under her breath. I turned to her yet again.
“What was that?”
“Paisley, come on…” Avery urged. My sister never wanted to get in a fight, but she was surrounded by her most outspoken and stubborn loved ones.
“I just think it’s interesting that Zoe was even allowed to come see her lesbian sister when she still thinks we’re sinners.”
“I never said that…”
“Pai, come on, that was six years ago,” Avery attempted again. I could tell she didn’t want to cause a scene in the middle of a restaurant. “Can we just…can we just finish brunch and maybe talk about this later?”
Paisley took a deep breath and looked my sister straight in the eye. They were so in sync, that it seemed like merely looking at Avery calmed her nerves and allowed her to breathe deeply. “Sure, babe,” Paisley replied.
“Do you think that hostess would give me her number?” Mac said with a smirk, breaking the tension immediately.
“Ten bucks says she won’t,” Avery said with a sly smile.
“You’re on.”