“Whatchya doin’?” I asked my brother, as I flopped down on his bed.
“Just working on a new song. Wanna hear it?” Mac answered, looking up from his guitar.
“Of course!”
He cleared his throat and picked out the intro. It was a really lovely song. I loved singing and could play piano well enough, but it was my brothers who all got lumped with the musical talent of the family. Mackie included. His voice was killer and he could pick up anything with strings and figure it out within a matter of minutes. It was a shame that he was so much younger than our other brothers, because, in my totally biased opinion, he would have fit in perfectly with the band.
He finished up the last chorus and I applauded generously but genuinely. I was always so impressed by his talent. All I wanted was success for him.
“That was awesome.”
“Really? I’m not really completely sure about it yet. I like the verses but the chorus and the bridge…I’m not quite there yet. I don’t think, anyway.”
“I thought it sounded great…”
“Thanks but…I don’t know. I guess I’m my own biggest critic.”
“That’s probably normal, right?”
“Yeah, I guess.”
If I had been anyone but his little sister who had known him my whole life, I would have suggested he go to Isaac or Taylor or Zac for advice when it came to songwriting. But I knew better. He wanted to do it all on his own, and I couldn’t really blame him.
I sighed deeply and leaned back on my elbows. Sometimes, especially when I listened to Mac play or looked over at one of Avery’s paintings, I became frustrated with myself. All of my family members had passions, but nothing had struck me yet. I liked putting outfits together and I devoured the pages of fashion magazines, but it didn’t make me feel the buzz in my veins like music did to Mac (that was how he described it, at least). Just another reason to hate being a teenager, I supposed.
“What’s up?” Mac asked, noticing the exhale.
“Nothing just…you know…the daily existential crisis.”
He chuckled and put down his guitar, joining me on the bed. “Oh my God, you are so dramatic.”
“Tell me something I don’t know, Mackenzie.”
“No seriously, are you okay? You’re being weird.”
“I guess…I don’t know sometimes I wish I was good at music or art or something. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, ya know?”
“You’re sixteen.”
“Yeah, exactly! I mean…by the time Zac was sixteen he had already put out two major records!”
“You have three other siblings who didn’t do that by the time we were sixteen…”
“You know what I mean.”
“Yeah, of course I know what you mean. I’m the fourth Hanson brother, remember.”
I smiled, grateful that no matter what happened in my life, Mac would understand me better than anyone.
“Let’s not freak out about your future quite yet. Let’s just get our butts to California and have some fun away from Hanson central.”
“Yeah, maybe that’s just what I need.”
“I can guarantee that it is exactly what you need.”
I heaved myself up off of the bed and made my way to the door. I needed to get going. I was babysitting for Ike and Nikki tonight (with the promise of actual cash at the end of the night) so that they could have dinner out on the town.
“Hey…” Mac stopped me before I could leave the room. “It’s okay that we go see Avie, right?”
I sighed yet again. I wanted to spend time with my brother and I definitely wanted to get away from Tulsa, if only for a little while.
“Yeah, of course.” I resigned myself to the fact that we were going to see my older sister, whether I was ready to or not.
***
“He takes amazing photos, they are all around his room and I kind of maybe want to be his muse someday. He’s already mine even if I haven’t drawn him yet. God I sound like such a lovesick idiot.”
I stopped in my tracks on my way to my room. Avery was in her room with her best friend, Juniper. Avery was a talker when she got going, just like Ike, but I hadn’t heard her talk quite this freely in some time. I rolled my eyes. I was still too young to understand what love was and why it made Avery feel the way she did. Jeremy didn’t seem all that great to me.
“Yeah, you kind of do! Which means you should probably end this relationship with Jeremy before you really hurt him,” Juniper responded to my sister, and I could hear the smile in her voice. She sounded thrilled to be hearing such juicy gossip from sweet Avie, who never seemed to do anything wrong. My eyes widened. So the boy she was talking about wasn’t Jeremy? My sister was cheating on her boyfriend? This all seemed wrong.
Avery was never the one to get in trouble, or do anything wrong or questionable. That was Mac’s territory, or even my older brothers who had plenty of stories about their time in Los Angeles that I had overheard in my days as the snoopy little sister. And yet, here she was, talking about cheating on her boyfriend only days after getting in trouble for staying out all night. Something was changing in this family, and I didn’t like it.
“I know. But it’s complicated. I can’t hurt him because he’s a good guy and he seems to really love me, though I know cheating on him is going to hurt him too if he finds out.” Avery sounded like she was in real pain. This was affecting her, even if she was the guilty one.
“No kidding,” Juniper replied.
Avery and Juniper discussed how the break up would happen, and if the door had been shut, I would have scurried past to my own room. I was about to turn around and go back downstairs when something made my ears perk up yet again.
“Just going to some themed dance party at that gay club downtown. Figured you wouldn’t like it since you don’t do parties. Got be the good girl even if you are cheating on your boyfriend,” Juniper laughed at Avery, who I guessed was scowling playfully at her friend. My face contorted with confusion. My sister was cheating on her boyfriend and asking about a gay club downtown? What was happening to her?
“Oh hey Zo-bug,” Juniper said casually when she saw me right outside the door, pulling me out of my thoughts. I peered past her into the room and saw Avery’s face pale with worry. She knew how much I loved to eavesdrop.
“How long were you standing there you little menace?”
***
Hey sis. I’m driving back to LA with Mac and I think we’re gonna come visit you on the way. Is that cool? Just want to make sure.
I sent the text before I could second guess myself. I knew Avery, who was always complimented for being kind and forgiving, would tell me it was fine. But I wanted her to be honest. If it wasn’t fine, I wanted to know. I paced around my room, waiting for her response.
I flipped open my laptop, reflexively typing the fansite’s address into the browser. I scrolled mindlessly through the past few days, even going back over pictures I had already seen. I had been checking the website every day, sometimes twice. I clicked the “Zoe” tag, and was suddenly inundated by pictures of myself, some from when I was way too young to remember being photographed.
My phone buzzed with my sister’s response.
Of course, Zo! I’ll see you soon 🙂
My anxiety about seeing her loosened it’s grip ever so slightly. Maybe seeing her wouldn’t be so scary, after all.