“Nikki, you look beautiful,” Mom said as she hugged both of us. Nikki wore a long green dress and had her hair pulled up in a loose bun. She looked like one of those models in the fashion magazine. Everette, dressed in slacks and a pullover sweater, was placed perfectly on her hip.
“Thank you, Mrs. Hanson. You look lovely as well.”
“Good as I can look cooking for two days straight,” she said. “Come on in, there are snacks in the living room.”
“Thanks, Mom,” I kissed her cheek as I walked past and sat Monroe on the floor so he could play with his cousins.
“I’ll go get the presents,” I said, once I helped Nikki get settled on the couch.
“I’ll help you,” Taylor said, standing.
“Thanks, bro.”
Taylor followed me out to the car. “Zac is doing better. He’s eating snacks, not by the fistful like he used to, but he is eating. And he seems like he is in a good mood, so don’t start with him today.”
I loaded Taylor’s arms with presents before I replied. “I don’t plan on it. I’m glad Zac is happy. I want nothing more in the world than for my little brother to be ok. In fact, Nikki wants me to apologize to him in front of the whole family today. I’ve been an ass to him, and I know I have been. Maybe he is finally on the right path to getting healthy, though.”
I gathered the rest of the presents and closed the trunk with my elbow.
“I hope he is, Ike. But he is the only one that can determine what help he needs and when he needs it.”
“I know. I’ll try to be supportive and not give advice when it’s not wanted.”
“Thanks.”
I knocked on the door with my foot and Zoe opened it. “Hey,” she said.
“Hey, little sister. Whats up?”
“If you came around more, you would know,” she said.
“What?” I wasn’t sure I had heard her.
Taylor shook his head, reminding me not to get in an argument on Christmas Eve.
I decided to get the apology over with before we ate and everyone scattered. As they say, better to eat the frog first thing in the morning. Or something like that.
I poured a big glass of my dad’s eggnog to brace myself. Most of the people in the living room were the same ones from the party, so we could still keep this to a smallish crowd. Yes, I was trying to save face. But I also knew that we had a leak somewhere in the extended family, judging by some recent internet posts. There was no way that anyone but family or close friends could get pictures of Nikki and I in our own backyard. We didn’t need any more rumors about the band breaking up after what happened on tour.
“Everyone, I have something I would like say,” I started.
I saw the look on Zac’s face. I knew he thought I was about to embarrass him. But, I had what I intended to say planned out, and I even gave the speech to Nikki to make sure that I didn’t say anything stupid. Again.
“I would like to apologize for the way I acted at the Christmas party. Especially to you, Zac. You were all guests in my home and I was a sorry excuse for a host. You all know me and my tendency to be passionate about the things I care about. And there is nothing I care about more than my family. I love you all and I promise to do my very best to stop flying off the handle about things. From this second, you all have my absolute permission to call me on it.” I finished the speech by downing the rest of my eggnog so take the edge of my embarrassment.
I glanced over at Zac. He breathed a huge sigh of relief that I didn’t go into my usual full detail speech. I figure at this point, we didn’t need to tell everyone every single word of our fight. I sat down by Nikki and she rubbed my back. “Good job, darling. I’m glad you didn’t ad lib anything at the last minute.”
“Yeah, I didn’t want to start anything on Christmas Eve.”
“Ok, how about some tunes while wait for dinner?” Taylor broke the silence. He sat down at the piano and led us in a few rounds of Christmas carols until Mom announced dinner was ready. Her eyes were sparkling with tears.
“What’s wrong, Mom?” I asked.
“I just love the way it sounds when my family is singing together and everyone is getting along. It truly feels like peace on earth.”
I hugged her before sitting down. “Well, if our family can’t be peaceful to each other, how can we expect the whole word to be?”
“I’ll say ‘amen’ to that,” my dad said from the head of the table. “And, even though it’s out of the traditional order, please join me in saying grace.”
We ate our food in record time, then everyone wandered around to various parts of the house. I stayed behind to help clear the table before I wandered off. It wasn’t all due to my good heart. I was slightly afraid that after eggnog and whiskey I didn’t need to be around Zac unsupervised.
Several times I started to comment that he was only picking at his dinner, but I reminded myself that a few bites of food were better than no bites. I saw him head toward the kitchen as I was leaving. I hoped he had decided to eat a little more. Avery was there. He was close to her. Maybe she could help him.
I decided the best thing I could do at that moment was to go find Nikki and my boys. I saw Kate head to the kitchen a few minutes later in search of Zac. They started to say goodbye soon after.
I could feel several sets of eyes on me as he and Kate made their way over to us.
“Look how big Shepherd is already,” Nikki said to Kate.
“Oh yeah, he’s growing fast,” Kate said.
The ladies continued their baby talk, leaving me and Zac to our own devices.
“Hey,” I said, “We’ll probably get together after New Years, I think. If you’re up for it.”
“Yeah,” he said, “I think that” he paused “that sounds good.”
I nodded and no one said anything for a few minutes.
“Sorry, about uh . . . Well,” he said to his shoes.
“Yeah,” I said, trying not to lose my good behavior badge when I was so close “Just . . . Take care of yourself.”
Zac nodded, and took Kate’s hand like it was his very lifeline. I felt a little jealous. I remembered when he used to come to me for help. But, things change. Life changes and I wasn’t doing anyone any favors pretending Zac was still a kid, no matter how it made me feel. It was pure ego to want to keep treating him like a child just because it made me feel useful. I realized that now. I would be there for him every time he needed me, but I would no longer force my help on him when it wasn’t wanted. I promised this to myself. And promises made on the most holy of nights had to count for something, right?
“Alright, well, I guess we’ll get back to it in January, yeah?” Taylor twisted his ring around his finger. Out of the three of us, he always had to be doing something. Taylor never could just sit still. Even though the holidays were a busy time, he was ready to get back to work. I think in some ways he felt more in control in the studio than he did within his own family. Natalie was such a natural with the kids I think he sometimes felt left out. I knew, though, when they were older, when they were ready for cooking lessons and in depth talks a poetry and how to solve all of the world’s problems, he would be there for them. Natalie knew how to take care of their physical needs, but Taylor would open their hearts and minds to the world and truly prepare them to go out and conquer whatever small corners of it they could.
“Let’s just see how everyone is doing then, ok? Remember, we did talk about taking it a little easy this year. Our business is in good shape, we can afford to.”
“We’ve also got to keep it in good shape, though,” Taylor said. “I don’t want to leave it too long.”
“That is a good point, but maybe we don’t have to go so fast and so hard this year, either. The last two years were pretty dramatic, so I don’t think it’s wrong to rest for a bit.”
Taylor nodded, but I could see he wasn’t convinced. He was always the one leading the charge, but you can run a horse to death if you don’t let it rest. I would have to put my foot down and only approve a few projects and grand ideas this year. Hopefully the most lucrative ones. Work smarter, not harder, right?
A a beautiful little girl tugged on Taylor’s sleeve. She looked up at her father with mirror image blue eyes. “Santa?” she asked.
Taylor scooped Penny up. “Hey sweetie. It’s not quite time for Santa.”
She pouted and put her head on his shoulder.
“I think it’s time to head home so we can leave out milk and cookies for Santa,” He said, rubbing her back.
“Gotcha. We had better do the same thing.” I patted his shoulder since he no longer had arms free for a hug. “Merry Christmas.”
“Merry Christmas,” he said.
“Mewry Christmas,” Penny said.
I kissed her cheek, “Merry Christmas, Penny. Sleep tight.”
“Ready to head home, darling?”
“Just as soon as we collect our little ones.”
Monroe was in my Mom’s lap, enthralled in her reading of A Night Before Christmas. Everette was fast asleep on the couch, curled up by Avery.
“I’ll get our things together and warm up the car, then I’ll come back. That will give Mom time to finish the story.”
“Thank you, darling.”
“Of course.”
I gathered her purse, the diaper bags, and as many of the presents as I could carry in one trip without breaking anything. This was one thing tour life had prepared me for. The constant loading and unloading at each stop taught you how to carry a lot in one trip.
It was nice, loading my family into the car to drive to our home for Christmas. The feeling of being normal for a few moments was wonderful. It was truly peace in our little corner of the earth. Maybe next year we would have it all together. I wanted my wife to be happy and to know that I loved her more than anything, even if I had to be away from home so much. I wanted my sons to know that being their father was my most important responsibility but keeping a roof over their heads meant I couldn’t be under it as much as I would like to. I wanted Taylor and Zac to know that the band was still important to me, but I had other priorities and work needed to stay at work just a little bit more often. I wanted Jessica, Avery, Mac, and Zoe to know that I loved them and I wanted to be a good big brother to them. That was my Christmas wish. I just wanted my family to be ok. I looked up at the few stars shinning through the street lights and wished on every one of them that my Christmas wish would come true.