The One With The Weapon Of Mass Seduction
“Hey Zac, can you come in here and help me with these dishes?” I called out, attempting to juggle a few bowls and containers.
“Dishes?” He asked. A moment later he appeared in the doorway to the kitchen. “Oh, you just want me to do your heavy lifting.”
“Something like that,” I replied, shoving half of my precariously balanced load into his hands. With my free hand, I grabbed a big bowl of potato chips and followed Zac back to the living room.
I couldn’t remember any other time that the two of us had held a party at our apartment, but we’d done plenty of partying in college. This little poker party would be more low key than any of that, I was sure. Apparently Ruby had been deadly serious about that “male bonding” thing; she’d planned the entire thing for us, insisting that her four star performers simply had to become best friends.
“What’s in this thing, anyway?” Zac asked, peeling back the lid of the container he’d just set on the table.
“Spinach dip,” I replied, setting the chips down on the table. “I made it earlier while you were still getting your beauty rest.”
He glanced at me, then back at the bowl of dip, then shook his head. “Why couldn’t you just buy a can of bean dip like a normal man?”
“I’d like to think I’m a better host than that,” I replied, crossing my arms. “I made some little sandwiches, too. The tray’s on the counter; could you go grab that?”
He opened his mouth to protest, but was drowned out by a knock at the door.
I rushed to answer it before he could. “Sorry, Zac. Guests are here. Hurry up with those sandwiches!”
Before he could complain, I leaped to the door and flung it open to see Cade and Eduardo both standing there. It was almost strange to see them both fully dressed, not to mention while it was still somewhat light outside.
“Hey, guys,” I said, stepping back to let them into the apartment. “Come on in. Would you like a water, beer, anything?”
“Beer,” they both replied at the same time.
“Zac, grab us all some beers!” I called out.
I was certain I heard grumbling from the kitchen in reply to that, but I choose to ignore it as I led Cade and Eduardo into the dining room where we’d set up the poker game. I couldn’t help noticing that Cade smelled nice. That was a strange thing to notice, but unlike Zac, I didn’t really have a problem with acknowledging when another man was attractive. And Cade certainly was. It even looked like he’d put some care into how he dressed for the party; he was wearing dark jeans and a button-up shirt that seemed a lot nicer than what he usually wore to work. I wondered why he would bother getting so dressed up for a simple poker game.
Moments later, those thoughts were all but forgotten as Zac joined us and the game started. After distributing the beers and making everyone ante up, he sat down and began shuffling the cards.
“So, what are we playing?” Cade asked.
“Seven card stud,” Zac replied, making a show of his card shuffling skills. He took the game so seriously that I couldn’t help rolling my eyes.
Eduardo smirked. “Hmm, but I only count four studs here.”
“Only three,” I replied with a chuckle, nudging Zac. “At least, this one definitely struck out the other night.”
Zac shot me a look that could have killed, but I still giggled. With his lips set in a tight line, he began dealing the cards. Despite the threatening look on his face, I couldn’t help being curious about the date. He hadn’t even told me how it had gone wrong, and the two of us had very few secrets. If Cade or Eduardo could get the truth out of him, they were better—and braver—men than I.
“What happened?” Cade asked, evidently oblivious to Zac’s body language. “Was she fugly or something?”
Zac asked. “How would you even know if she was?”
Cade shrugged. “I can tell objectively if a woman is unattractive. Still doesn’t mean I would fuck her, even if she was gorgeous.”
“Tay,” Zac said, not even bothering to give Cade another glare. “You’re up first.”
A quick glance at my cards showed that they were all useless, so I tossed in the required dollar and hoped that not even Zac could read my poker face. Of course he could, though. He always could. Poker was one time when not even my acting skills did me any good.
“I’ll call,” he said, tossing in his own dollar.
With a sheepish shrug, Eduardo said, “I fold.”
Wordlessly, Cade slid three dollars across the table. It was my turn to fold then. Zac put his own money in, then began dealing out the next cards.
“So,” Cade said, his eyes twinkling as he watched Zac. “What was the deal with that date?”
“Just worry about the game,” Zac grumbled.
His mood lightened considerably when he realized he had a pair of kings showing. With a hint of a grin on his face, he raised his bet to five dollars. Cade tossed his money in, his eyes never leaving Zac’s. The two of them went back and forth for several more rounds, but in the end, Zac only came out with two pair compared to Cade’s straight.
The next few games progressed much the same; even with several more beers in our systems, we made it through a few more rounds. It turned out that Cade had a killer poker face, and damn good luck, too. Once Eduardo starting whining that he’d lost so much money he would have to borrow gas money from Cade to get home, we decided to call it quits on the game. The rest of us sat munching on the snacks while Zac sullenly shuffled and reshuffled the cards.
“So,” Cade said, leaning across the table and giving Zac a smirk. “You’re really not going to tell us about this date? Seems like a good story.”
Zac looked up at him and practically sneered. “Why are you all just assuming I struck out?”
“The fact that you were home before two,” I replied. “Oh, and the way you growled ‘fuck off’ at me when I asked how it went.”
Rolling his eyes, Zac mumbled, “Well, you should do it then. Fuck. Off.”
“Oh, come on,” I whined. “Just between us guys. What happened? No condom? Couldn’t get it up? That’s it, isn’t it? The love rocket couldn’t achieve lift off!”
“For fuck’s sake!” Zac growled, standing up and stalking off to the kitchen.
“Love rocket?” Cade repeated, one eyebrow raised. I just shrugged.
A moment later, Zac returned with another beer. Before sitting down, he said, “Okay, you want to know? It wasn’t even a date. That chick works for some porno company, and she wanted me. For dirty movies, and not the ‘I swear, I’ll delete them later’ kind.”
The rest of us sat in stunned silence for a moment before I worked up the nerve to ask, “So, when do you shoot the first one?”
“Fuck you, I’m not doing that shit,” he replied.
“When you think about it, it’s kind of a compliment,” Eduardo said.
“Totally,” Cade replied. “You’ve got to expect that kind of thing as a stripper. I got several offers at my last job, but my acting isn’t even up to porn standards, so I turned them all down.”
“But you would do it otherwise?” Zac asked. Before waiting for an answer, he slapped me on the shoulder. “Hey, Tay. You’re an actor; why don’t you do some skin flicks?”
I shrugged. “Never been asked. Guess I’m not as hot as you.”
“Damn right you’re not,” he replied, running his hand up and down his own chest. “That bitch only wishes she knew how good I was. You know she was even engaged? She still wanted some of this, though.”
“Yeah, but she wanted it on camera and in someone else,” I reminded him.
“Whatever, she still wanted it. Nobody can resist this weapon of mass seduction,” Zac replied. As if that needed clarifying, he punctuated the statement with some exaggerated pelvic thrusts, practically fucking the air in front of him.
After he finally stopped dancing and fell back into his chair, I grabbed the beer from his hand. “Alright, I am cutting you off. No one needs to see that again.”
“I dunno, I kind of liked it.” Cade snickered.
Choosing to ignore that, I said, “I think we can all agree it’s one weapon that needs to be banned.”
“You’re just jealous,” Zac huffed, shoving a handful of chips into his mouth. Still chewing he added, “Jealous that I could have gotten an acting job and you—an actual actor—didn’t even get asked.”
“Yeah, that’s it,” I replied, then turned to Cade and stage whispered, “You know why he really calls it a weapon of mass seduction? Because just like those nuclear weapons in Iraq, no one can actually find it.”
Cade chuckled, then shook his head. “Do you guys always talk about your dicks this much?”
“I dunno,” I replied honestly. “I guess. Why?”
He shrugged. “Just seems like an odd choice of topic for two guys who supposedly aren’t interested in any dicks other than their own.”
“And since you do like dick, why are you complaining?” Zac asked.
“Not complaining,” Cade asked. “Just curious. Maybe I don’t hang out with enough straight guys, but it seems strange to me. Don’t you think so?”
At that, he glanced to Eduardo, who nodded. “I don’t hang out with any straight guys—except you two, apparently. But not even the other gays I know talk about their sex lives this much.”
“Maybe we’re just open minded,” I offered. “Well, I am, at least. Zac’s a bit of a neanderthal.”
“Hey, I resemble that remark,” he replied with a pout.
“I know you do, sweetheart,” I said, giving him a pat on the shoulder.
Cade shook his head and laughed. “You two are something else.”
“Wouldn’t they be a cute couple?” Eduardo asked.
“I’m not his type,” Zac replied, a smirk spreading across his face. “I’m not inflatable.”
“Hey, you were the one who had that inflatable sex doll in college. What was his name again?”
“Her name was Betty,” Zac replied, pouting. “Why are you three all ganging up on me tonight?”
I feigned innocence. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“Yes, you do,” Zac replied, wagging his finger at us. “You three are evil tonight. I don’t appreciate this… this mean little threesome you’ve formed.”
“Threesome?” I repeated, glancing at Cade and Eduardo. “Are we having a threesome, guys?”
“Sadly, no,” Eduardo replied with an exaggerated sigh.
“Sounds like a Freudian slip to me,” Cade suggested. “Someone really, really needs to get laid.”
“Yeah, well, unfortunately none of you guys can help me with that,” Zac replied.
“Maybe if you asked nicely,” Cade replied with a wink. Zac only snarled in reply.
Eduardo leaned in a little closer across the table. “Have you guys ever actually had a threesome?”
“Like, together?” Zac asked. “No thank you. The only kind of threesome I’m interested in would be me and two gorgeous ladies. Absolutely nothing with the potential for swords to cross, if you know what I mean.”
I rolled my eyes. “Swords crossing? Please. Truth is, you’re scared you’re gonna love seeing me naked.”
“I can see how that would be a legitimate concern,” Cade replied with a sober nod. “I mean, what if he takes one look at your naked body and suddenly realizes he’s gay?”
“The more likely scenario is that I would take one look at him and barf. And I think we can all agree that is not sexy,” Zac said.
“Definitely not,” Eduardo replied. “But threesomes are fun. I mean, I’ve only had one and I was pretty wasted, but I seem to recall that it was really hot…”
Eduardo seemed to drift off then, apparently lost in the memory of the threesome he may or may not have had. Zac, meanwhile, was still grumbling about my naked body and making puking noises. Highly attractive, really.
“Okay, okay,” Cade said, chuckling. “As much as I would love to stay and talk about threesomes, barfing and how very not gay Zac is, I have to work at my other job tomorrow. You know, the boring one where they make me wear clothes.”
“You should just quit,” Eduardo remarked. “Once we start those private parties, you’ll be making plenty at the club.”
“I already put in my two weeks, so I’ll just have a few more shitty days of double shifts. If I’m even awake for my shift at the club tomorrow, it’ll be a miracle,” Cade said.
“Well, we won’t be there,” I replied. “We’ve got a private party.”
“Our first one is next week,” Cade replied. “Any advice?”
“Be careful,” Zac warned. “The girls are even more hands on than they are at the club. They’re always trying to get you to drink with them, too. Way too talkative and ballsy.”
I chuckled. “It’s not so bad. You just have to stay a little more alert and be polite when they cross the line.”
“Good thing we won’t be tempted, then,” Eduardo replied, grinning. He gave Cade a little nudge. “Come on, let’s get going. You’re filling up my tank with your winnings, right?”
“Did I agree to that?” Cade asked, feigning innocence. With a grin, he stood up and stuffed said winnings into his pocket. “I guess we should go, though. It was fun. We should do this again sometime.”
“Ruby will probably kill us if we don’t,” Zac replied.
It was a joke, of course, and we all laughed, but there was a hint of truth to it. None of us wanted to get on Ruby’s bad side. As we bid Eduardo and Cade goodbye, I couldn’t help wondering what other hoops Ruby would devise for us to jump through—and what the punishment would be if we stepped out of line again.