The One With The Cock Tease
“I can’t seriously believe I let you assholes talk me into this,” my grumbled, passive-aggressive protest was drowned out by the sound of “Sexy And I Know It” beginning.
Taylor, Cade, Eduardo, and I all took our places on the stage, a spotlight lighting up Cade at the first “yeah”. We were all lit up in succession, pulling our suspenders, licking our teeth, nodding our heads, and pushing glasses up our noses with our fingers. We did a few ridiculous dance moves–the sprinkler, the shopping cart, and Eduardo actually pulled off a successfully terrible running man. As the chorus hit, we all ripped off our nerdy get ups, tossing our high-water jeans off to the side.
A roar went up from the crowd as we all turned around to face away from them, a cool breeze from the air conditioning unit caressing our bare asses. I felt exposed and unsupported in the cheetah-printed banana hammock I had been forced into wearing. We spent the next thirty seconds dancing facing away from our audience, flexing our gluteal muscles before spinning around and getting to our individual solos. I watched Taylor–still wearing his grandpa-frame glasses–legitimately pop his ass and then do some kind of hip swivel, I watched Cade move his valuables in ways they shouldn’t be able to move, and I watched Eduardo do some kind of latin ballroom dance.
Then it was my turn.
One would assume that, being a male exotic dancer, one would need to actually be able to dance. This is not true. I have rhythm enough from being in drumline all through high school and college, so I can move my body in such a way that makes taking my clothes off look graceful and seductive. However, my feet do not like to cooperate when I legitimately dance, so instead of showing off how well I can gyrate my hips, I did a dead-fall to push-up position and began doing a set of them. I mixed up the routine, placing claps between each push-up, and then moving on to one-armed.
Cash of varying denominations was swirling around my head as I popped back to my feet; women were literally jumping up and down and waving their arms in excitement. I felt a huge smile spreading across my lips as a familiar rush of excitement rushed over me–it reminded me of being at a concert, the crowd going nuts after the band plays the fan-favorite, albeit otherwise unknown, song. A quick glance toward the other guys revealed similar looks of awe and excitement on their faces as what I imagined was on my own. I wasn’t quite sure exactly what to make of the rush of emotions I had felt, but I did know one thing for certain: I was liking the site of twenty-dollar bills landing at my feet.
We all gathered up a few handfuls of money, and then exited the stage and walked back to the ready room, scrambling around to get our things ready to go home. I had just taken a quick shower, and had rejoined everyone in the ready room as Ruby came scrambling in, her eyes wide. “OHmyGAWD you guys! That was genius. Pure and simple genius. I could kiss you all right now! That is precisely what this club needed!” She clapped Eduardo and I–the two closest to her–on the shoulder. “Taylor, I didn’t think you could do all that. Where’d that little solo dance come from?”
“Taylor fancies himself Patrick Swayze, circa Dirty Dancing,” I supplied.
“Oh, whatever. You wish you could move like I do.”
Even if I had wanted to respond to Taylor’s jab, Ruby wouldn’t have allowed it. She was quickly on to the next subject: “I think Eduardo and Cade just earned themselves some private parties!”
“Congratulations,” I rolled my eyes, unable to keep the sarcasm from pouring out of my mouth. A glance at the clock sent my heart racing; it was ten to midnight. “Hey, Ruby, are we OK to leave?”
Ruby looked up from the champagne bottle she was trying to open; I thought it was a little much for the circumstances, but give Ruby a chance to celebrate a tiny victory and out comes the bubbly. I tried not to roll my eyes again as she laughed. “What’s the rush, Zac? You got a hot date or something?” My eyes traveled from Ruby to the other three guys. Each was still waiting for the punchline of Ruby’s joke–me saying ‘no’–but it never came. When Ruby realized I hadn’t responded, her expression changed and she cleared her throat. “Um, yeah–you’re all free to leave, if you want.”
“Thanks. See you later.”
“Um, Zac?” I heard Taylor’s voice just before I slipped out of the room, and for a brief second thought about acting as if I hadn’t heard him. That thought led to the realization that he’d probably chase me out of the club anyway, and I sighed, turning around to face him. “How am I supposed to get home if you take the car?”
“A…taxi?” I offered.
“All the way to the valley? Do you know how much that would cost?”
“Oh, stop being such a baby, Tay. You just made quadruple, if not more, the amount it would cost to take a cab,” I countered.
“Yeah, but cabs out here always smell like piss and vomit,” he crossed his arms over his chest, pouting like a child.
Cade suddenly materialized next to Taylor, a friendly hand placed on his forearm. “I can take you home, Princess,” he offered, smiling.
“Great, it’s settled,” I said, my jaw tensing at the sight of Cade being so…Cade. “I don’t know when or if I’ll be home, so–don’t wait up for me,” I called to Taylor as I headed toward the car.
It took me twenty minutes to get from the club to the 24-hour diner Kimi had invited me to for our date. I ran my fingers through my hair a little before getting out of the car and walking inside the glass doors. The diner was quaint; typical. It was easy to spot Kimi, her bright red hair a stark contrast to the lackluster atmosphere of the diner. When I slid in across from her, a huge smile broke out on those lips of hers. “I’m so glad you made it,” she beamed. “I was afraid you weren’t going to show.”
“Sorry; perils of working in performance art, I suppose–poor punctuality.” I winked at her, flashing what I hoped was a flirty smile.
Kimi nodded, her eyes flicking to the menu. “So, how was your night, Thor?”
I felt my cheeks flush a bit. “Um, outside the walls of Double Entendre I usually just go by Zac.”
She giggled, glancing back toward the menu again. “Right, sorry.”
We made idle conversation as we looked over the menu, placing our orders–a juicy burger and fries for me and a salad for Kimi–and continued to chat as we sipped our sodas. We talked about where originally we were from and what brought us to LA; of course Kimi had dreams of becoming an actress when she was a little girl. As our food arrived, our conversation moved to how we wound up in our respective positions–me as a stripper, Kimi as a Talent Acquisition Agent for a some production company.
I was halfway through my burger when I noticed Kimi had pushed her salad to the side and was rummaging around in her bag. A moment later, she pulled out a pen and a pad of paper and slid it across the table. “There is a questionnaire I’d like you to fill out for me, if you don’t mind.”
Swallowing the bite of burger in my mouth, I pulled the notepad closer to me and flipped it open, staring at a print out of ten questions:
1. Are you a virgin? If your answer is “yes”, please do not continue to complete this questionnaire.
2. Have you ever had sex with more than one person? If “yes”, has it ever been at the same time? If “no”, would you consider it?
3. Have you had sex with both genders? If “no”, which gender have you had sex with, and would you ever consider having sex with both genders (either independently of one another or at the same time)?
4. Have you ever had sex with a transvestite? If “no”, would you ever consider it?
5. Do you now, or have you ever, had any sexually transmitted diseases? If “yes”, please explain.
6. How big, in inches, is your penis when it is flaccid? When it is hard? Please include length as well as circumference.
7. Are you circumcised?
8. Have you ever had anal sex? If “no”, would you ever consider it?
9. Would you be willing to participate in group sex?
10. Are there any fetishes you prefer, or anything that you refuse to participate in?
“What the actual fuck is this?” I inquired, manners and gentlemanliness suddenly absent.
Kimi blushed a little, biting her lower lip. “It’s a pre-audition screening questionnaire,” she pointed to the letter head at the top: Dual Sword Productions, Hollywood, CA. Talent Acquisition Pre-Audition Questionnaire. “I’m sorry if I mislead…I’m trying to find male talent for a few adult movies my company is going to be producing, and, well. I want you, Zac.”
My mouth was suddenly dry, all the moisture in my body escaping through the palms of my hands. I took a sip of my soda and a deep breath, then pulled out my wallet. “You know, Kimi. I’m flattered, but…I’m going to have to pass.” I shook out a twenty on to the table, took a handful of fries, and left the diner.
“Zac!” Kimi’s voice called from behind me. “Hey, wait up!” she was struggling to jog up to me as she stuffed her belongings back into her bag on the way. Despite the embarrassment I was feeling over attempting to be coy and flirtatious, I stopped and waited by the car for her to catch up. She stopped a foot away from me, brushing hair away from her face. “Look, I’m sorry I misled you; it was wrong of me. Truth be told, if I weren’t engaged I would–”
“Engaged? You’re engaged?” I laughed. “This is just perfect.”
Kimi’s shoulders pulled back slightly, her face losing some of its sincerity. “Alright, well–you have my number, if you change your mind.”
I smirked at her. “Yeah, unless you change yours about the number of people and cameras involved, I doubt that’ll be happening. But, I guess thanks for the offer.” I hung my head and climbed into the car, my spirit weakened, though my ego stroked.
I drove around for awhile, not wanting to show up at the house too terribly early for fear of crossing paths with Taylor. When I finally did pull into the parking lot just outside of our apartment building, I saw that his bedroom light was on, but the rest of the house seemed relatively dark. I figured I could take my chances and walked inside, a mixture of relief at being home and disappointment at the disaster that occurred at the diner.
Feeling confident I had snuck in without alerting Taylor, I reached for the knob on my bedroom door, just as the hallway flooded with light. “You’re home! Tell me all about it. Did ya get very far?” He made an exaggerated wink at me as he walked by toward the bathroom.
“Fuck off,” I grumbled, entering the room and closing the door behind me.