The One With the Clusterfuck of Awkward
As if things hadn’t been weird enough between Taylor and I since the threesome, now we had this gigantic elephant in the room regarding what happened in the parking lot. I tried my best to act as natural as possible, but it had occurred to me, in the most random of ways, that natural wasn’t an option around Taylor now. Now, there was that nagging feeling of impending doom as I blushed uncontrollably at the sound of my name from his lips. Now, my stomach churned in knots, terrified I would say or do something stupid in front of him. I could not stop it; every time I was in Taylor’s presence, I felt like a complete fool–clumsy and stupid.
If Taylor noticed, he didn’t let on. Instead, he seemed completely oblivious, continuing to find new and exciting ways to make me uncomfortable not only at my place of business, but also in my own home. Maybe it was the hyper-awareness of myself when I was around him playing tricks on my brain, but it almost seemed as if Taylor just knew…and that was messing with me.
With increasing persistence, Taylor would appear in the hall completely naked, or would walk into the bathroom while I was in the shower and want to talk. I would always shriek, scolding him for his inconsideration of other people in the house, and he would just laugh this creepy laugh and walk away. At work, and even in public, he’d stand too close, or make seemingly innocuous statements, dripping with innuendo. It always resulted in strange looks from whomever happened to be around at the time, and a very uneasy feeling in my stomach.
As early as I got up, or as late as I stayed out of the house, inevitably, Taylor would still find a way to just be there. Things finally got violent when I walked out of my room and came face-to-face with Taylor taking a piss with the bathroom door wide open. With an incomprehensible yelp that sounded extremely girly, even to my own ears, I stomped down the hall. A moment later, I heard a flush, the faucet running, and then Taylor rushing down the hallway to where I had wound up in the living. I gave him no time to breath, much less speak, before my fist collided hard with his shoulder.
“What the fuck, Zac?” Taylor protested, stumbling backward. His legs hit the arm of the couch, and he instinctively sat down, falling backward.
My eyes popped open in surprise, the reason for my outburst so obvious it should have gone without saying. “Are you serious, Taylor? You were just taking a piss with the door wide the fuck open, and you’re asking me ‘what the fuck’?”
“Oh,” Taylor’s voice was flat, and he had his confused face on. “I don’t understand why that was such a big deal?”
“You want me to hit you again, don’t you?” Despite my question, I made no move to actually deliver anymore punches. Taylor must have realized I wasn’t prepared to follow through, because his face fell into a mocking form as his eyebrows raised, his arms crossing in front of his chest. “Come on, man. That was just not cool, and you know it.” My voice came out sounding far more whiney than I had intended.
Taylor held his hands up in front of him, conceding. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize it would be such a big deal. I just thought that after what happened in the parking lot that you wouldn’t–”
“Nothing happened in that parking lot, Taylor. Nothing that matters, anyway. Don’t presume to know what I think or feel,” I cut him off.
His only response was to scoff, then stand up. “Look, I’ll allow you to have a ride on the High Horse today, Zac. Don’t think we aren’t going to talk about it eventually, though.”
Without another word, Taylor had turned and walked back out of the room, somehow winning the argument when it was he who had been in the wrong.
For the next two weeks, I did my best to keep my distance. Taylor had to sleep sometime–that meant I needed to be functioning opposite his schedule. We would cross paths, coming or going, and while at work, but I think he got the hint to keep his distance. Either that, or he was plotting some kind of diabolical plan. I couldn’t determine which outcome would be better: Taylor being decent and actually keeping his distance, or the very high probability Taylor’s version of diabolical would turn out to be only slightly disruptive to my day.
I didn’t have much longer to wait, as Taylor decided to break the sanity I had regained at seventeen days, three hours, twenty-two minutes, and thirty-five seconds into our new routine. I was standing at the mirror in the ready room of Double Entendre’s when Taylor walked in, followed closely by Cade, and then Eduardo. Cade and Eduardo stopped short when the saw me; Taylor pretended to ignore my existence. After setting his bag down on his vanity table, Taylor looked toward our co-workers and just nodded toward the door. Cade and Eduardo left–slowly–leaving me alone with Taylor.
“I’m not saying there is anything to talk about, but if there were, I wouldn’t talk about it with you here,”
Taylor just shook his head at me. “I don’t know why you are so vehemently against what is happening here, Zac.”
“I’m not…I’m not gay, Taylor, that is why.” I lowered my voice, knowing Cade and Eduardo were just on the other side if the flimsy curtain we used as a door. “So just stop trying to make me be gay.”
“I am not trying to make you anything but aware.” Taylor had left it at that, walking away from me with a knowing smirk on his lips, and with Ruby poking her head in and signaling my curtain call, I could do nothing other than take a few deep breaths and push it all aside.
By the time I arrived home that evening, the denial had slowly began to peel away and the truth had sunk in; it was just a matter of telling Taylor. Or not. He saved me the trouble, blocking the path down the hall to my room as soon as I made a move. “We’re talking,” he said, matter of factly.
“Can we just…not do this tonight, Tay?” I asked, softly. I knew the truth about my feelings, but I certainly wasn’t ready to admit them–as much as I enjoyed the chase, I rarely participated as the hunter if I wasn’t certain I would catch my prey. Even with Taylor’s past as a bi-curious college theater major, there was very little evidence to have me conclude any advances would be welcomed or reciprocated. For all I knew, this was just a game to him.
Taylor raised one eyebrow, shaking his head. “We’ve been dancing around this entire situation for weeks, letting it silently escalate and then silently agreeing to keep silent. I’m done, Zac.”
I sighed, dropping my shoulders. I had been fighting so hard inside my own head, I wasn’t sure I had the strength to fight against Taylor’s sixteen-year-old girly instincts. “I don’t know what this is, Tay. I don’t want to know, and I’m not ready to know.”
“You can’t keep pretending it isn’t happening,” he replied. “I can’t keep pretending it isn’t happening,” He stepped toward me, placing his hand on my shoulder.
“But what is ‘it’ that is happening?”
The creepy smile returned to Taylor’s lips, the hand on my shoulder moving to cup my cheek, as he answered my question: “Sex.” A shiver ran down my spine, and I instinctively shrugged Taylor’s hand off. He rolled his eyes, sighing. “Come on, Zac. It isn’t like we haven’t already been in a relationship for the better part of the last decade. Admit it. I’m your soul mate.”
“You’re my best friend, Taylor. In a way, of course you’re my soul mate.”
Taylor stepped toward me again; in response I backed away, my back colliding with the wall. “Ok,” he said with a shrug. “If I am only your best friend, tell me this doesn’t feel good.” Taylor placed a soft iss on my lips, brief and teasing. Despite a tingling sensation that overtook me, I shook my head ‘No,’ hoping he would leave it at that. “I don’t believe you.”
“It’s true.” I managed to choke out.
“So, if it’s true, you wouldn’t like it if I did this?” Taylor reached forward, one hand bracing him against the wall, the other reaching toward my goods. I grabbed his hand before it reached its destination, but my plan backfired on me. “Well, then you’re really going to hate this,” Taylor brought my hand to his goods, a large erection already raging.
A low moan escaped my lips, betraying my resistance, and I yanked my hand back from his grasp. “Fine, Taylor. I like that I turn you on. Are we done here?”
“No,” Taylor smiled, leaning in to whisper in my ear. “But it’s a start.” He stepped away from me, his normal smile back on his lips. “So, I don’t feel like cooking. Do you want to order Chinese?”
“Um, yeah…sure,” I blinked, a bit confused at his Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde display. My mind was foggy, and I could only watch as he retreated into the kitchen. Meandering back into the living room, I heard Taylor on the phone with our usual restaurant. He was in the midst of ordering my favorite dish exactly as I would, down to the extra Yum Yum sauce, when it all became clear.
Taylor was in love with me.