The One With The Major-League Yabbos
It was two o’clock in the afternoon when I finally decided to roll out of bed. Eduardo and Cade had been here until fairly late the night before, and after they left Taylor had somehow managed to get me to agree to cleaning up. By myself. I supposed it was only fair, as I had miraculously gotten out of doing any of the actual preparation, however I still resented him for sitting at the breakfast bar while I scrubbed dishes, occasionally pointing out that I had missed a spot, or materializing another pile of dirty dishes out of thin air.
With a yawn, I pulled on a pair of sweatpants and walked into the kitchen, in search of coffee. Something seemed off from the moment my bare feet hit the vinyl flooring, and it took me a few minutes to realize the delicious aroma of percolating coffee was painfully absent from the air. Normally, Taylor would have consumed an entire pot of coffee by now, and put a second on for us to share. I pouted as I walked up to the coffee pot, it’s empty carafe staring at me, mockingly.
Still a bit sleepy, and feeling lazy, I decided that I didn’t need coffee that badly, so I turned to leave the kitchen. It was then that I noticed the writing on our usually doodle-filled dry-erase board actually had words written on it.
Grabbing lunch with Cade, then running some errands. Will be back in time for work. DO NOT LEAVE WITHOUT ME. – T
Well, that really wasn’t going to be an issue; it would look kind of strange if we showed up to this party separately. Deciding to seize the opportunity of being alone and not having to worry about someone else, I made my way back down the hall and to the bathroom where I stripped down and enjoyed a nice long, hot shower. It was just what I needed to wake myself up and scrub away the still-lingering disappointment of the bait-and-switch date with Kimi.
The rest of the afternoon went by fairly quickly, despite the fact that I was actually extremely bored without Taylor around to harass. Out of nowhere, it was time to start getting ready for the party. Taylor still hadn’t come back and I was starting to get anxious when I had gathered all of our work paraphernalia in a duffle bag and had slipped into my costume. I was about to call Taylor to find out what was taking him so damn long when the door flew open and he stood there, his hair a mess on top of his head and his cheeks flushed.
“Where the hell have you been?!” I demanded, standing up from the couch and grabbing our duffle bag.
“Sorry. Ready?”
“I’ve been ready for the last half an hour, Tay,” I complained. “We’re going to be late if we don’t hurry.”
The pink of Taylor’s cheeks darkened to a deep crimson as he ran his hands through his hair. “Yeah…sorry. I, uh, got caught up with something.”
“Something, or someone?” I shot him a dirty look as I pushed by him to the hallway. I heard him lock the door, then his footsteps behind me, hurrying to catch up.
His long legs closed the distance between us faster than I’d have liked; his lack of regard for me or our clients really irritated me, and if Ruby wouldn’t have killed me, I probably would have given him a black eye for it. Either he really had got caught up with someone, or he just sensed that I wasn’t particularly happy, because the whole car ride to the private party he stayed silent, engrossed in his phone, instead of chatting my ear off about whatever he did today. By the time we arrived at the suburban home of the night’s client, he had only spoken to help locate the street and the house.
When we finally walked up to the door, Taylor had apparently put his acting pants on because he was smiling and commenting on the beautiful landscaping along the flagstone walkway. I rang the bell, and a few minutes later the door opened to reveal a busty blonde with piercing blue eyes and a wide smile on her cherry-colored lips. “Why, hello,” she said with a wink. She cleared her throat, then a little louder said: “Why, yes, you can use our phone to call for a tow truck!” as she opened the door for us.
Taylor and I stepped in to the upscale house and followed Blondie through a short hallway. It opened up into a large living room area to the right, which was decorated in a ridiculous amount of penis-shaped party favors: penis balloons, streamers with penises dangling off them, a penis centerpiece on the coffee table, which was littered with penis confetti. Taped on the wall was a large poster-sized cutout of a naked man, sans cock-and-balls, with the words “Pin The Junk on the Hunk” scrawled across the top.
Four additional women sat on various pieces of furniture, all of them turning and staring at us as we walked into the room. Only one looked confused, and judging by the lei she had strung around her neck with tiny penises stuffed in it, and the veil she wore on her head, I put two and three together to assume she was the soon-to-be-Mrs. Taylor began our introduction as he unloaded our iPod dock, a coy smile on his lips.
He walked over to the bachelorette, taking her hand in his and kissing her knuckles. “My name is Adonis, and this is my partner, Thor. Your friends told us there was going to be a celebration in your honor and we couldn’t pass up an opportunity to share our congratulations.” He bowed slightly, then asked one of the other girls to turn off the music in the background. Someone had already pushed the coffee table to the side.
Once it was silent, all five pairs of eyes on us, I pressed play on our party mix and I ran down some basic rules–please no grabbing, biting, or licking. We began our routine and, suddenly realizing what was going on in front of her, the bride-to-be began shouting embarrassed “No!”s. Her protests continued, despite the fact that she was now laughing as we both moved around the room dancing, obviously paying particular attention to her. At one point, Taylor and I were basically giving her a lap dance simultaneously. She kept up her embarrassed protests but stuffed a twenty in each of our waistbands.
The blonde with the huge rack was having the most fun, it seemed, dancing her way around the outside of the small circle we had created. She fell into her friend’s lap, kissing her cheek, before demanding we give her another lap dance. “These are the last two men you’re going to see strip before you’re tied to one guy’s naked body for the rest of your life, Isabel! You’re going to enjoy it, damnit!” she slid off Isabel’s lap to the couch beside her, eyeing me hungrily as I did my best hip swivels in front of her.
We had enough material to last about an hour or so, with a small ten-minute break in the middle. When the time came for said break, we excused ourselves outside for some fresh air. The girls were still cat calling and wolf whistling after us as we stepped out the door. I took a deep breath of the cool evening air and stretched my arms above my head.
“I think the one that answered the door really wants me,” Taylor remarked, taking a swig from his water bottle. “She’s been eyeing me up all night. Do you think Ruby would find out if I just…buried my face in her tits?”
“Really, Tay?” I rolled my eyes. “They do look like a nice place to just curl up and take a nap, though,” I remarked after a moment of silence.
Taylor just nodded, and we decided it was about time to head back in. When we got back inside, we began the second part of our routine, which was a little less bride-exclusive. “I want a lap dance!” the blonde announced, standing up. She tilted her head, eyeing both Taylor and I before pointing toward me. “You,” she said with a wink. She pulled her finger toward her, signaling me to go to her.
I obliged, indulging her in a lap dance. She slapped my ass when I turned around, and though it stung I did nothing about it; despite the whole no-touching rule, Tay and I were generally lax if it was just a brush, a soft squeeze, or a slap. Besides–I kind of enjoyed it.
The rest of the time was filled with more of the same–lap dances, small slaps or ass-squeezes, and women steadily getting drunker and drunker. The tips kept coming, though, so Tay and I stretched our usual one-hour to an hour and a half. For the last half hour, the blonde–whose name I had found out was Christina–kept shooting me glances, winks, and smiles. I was really starting to think Taylor had been imagining things about her wanting him; it was clear if she wanted either one of us, it was me.
Once we had finally completed our routine and announced we were finished, we received multiple protests. We insisted that we could no longer cater to their womanly wiles, and began packing up our things. I was just headed back from the bathroom, fully dressed, when Christina stopped me in the middle of the hall, holding up two shots. “One for the road?” she asked.
“Oh, no thanks; we’re not supposed to drink on the job.” I smiled.
She took a step closer to me, the corner of her mouth pulling into a teasing half-smile. “It’s a good thing you’re off the clock now, then, isn’t it?” She held the shot up.
I could see directly down her low-cut top.
“Um, well…I guess you’re right,” I smiled, taking the shot from her. She clinked her shot glass with mine and we both threw them back. “Thanks.” I handed the now-empty glass back to her.
“No problem…” She bit her full lower-lip, eyelids a little heavy from alcohol consumption. “Since you are off the clock now…why don’t you guys hang out for awhile. I promise we won’t demand any more lap dances.”
“Oh, I don’t know…” my voice trailed off as Taylor came bounding down the hallway, a bottle of beer in each hand.
“THERE you are!” He beamed at me. “Have a beverage,” he handed me one of the bottles before taking a swig from the other.
“Um, would you excuse us, please?” I asked Christina. She nodded, throwing me a wink, and then walked away. “What do you think you’re doing?”
“What?” Taylor asked, innocently.
“We aren’t supposed to drink on the job, or fraternize with clients,” I reminded him.
“Oh, lighten up.” He shoved the beer at me again, a huge grin on his face. “Look,” he lowered his voice. “I overheard a couple of these ladies, including Christina, are in the market for some string-free fun, if you know what I mean. Since your ‘date’ the other night was a bust, I figured you’re probably in need of a little satiation, so I told the brunette with way too much eyeliner that we’d have a few drinks with them. You never know–maybe you get lucky with one of them.”
“Or maybe Ruby finds out and we get fired.” I pushed the beer back at him and began walking down the hallway, headed for the door.
Taylor stepped in front of me, blocking my way. “When was the last time you got any?”
I opened my mouth to respond, but realized I couldn’t actually remember the last time I’d so much as touched someone’s tits, let alone actually put my penis in a vagina. It had been so long, in fact, that had it not been for my addiction to masturbation, cobwebs would have formed between my dick and balls.
There mere thought of a naked chick had the pipes creaking.
“Alright.” I took the beer bottle from Taylor. “But I am not going to try.”
“I doubt you’d have to try very hard, but suit yourself.” He shrugged before turning around and leading me back to the other room.
When we arrived back in, the others were dancing and singing along, horrendously, to “Don’t Stop Believing.” Foreseeing what would happen next, I prepared myself as Taylor thrust his beer bottle at me. He skittered into the room with a small squeal akin to a 12-year-old at a One Direction concert, holding his arms out before belting the chorus with the girls.
I felt my face flush as I watched him dance around, pretending to be Steve Fucking Perry. If it weren’t for the fact that he couldn’t sing to save his life, he might have been able to pull off the impersonation of a 1980s hair-band singer halfway decently. Unfortunately for my ears, he seemed to disagree with my assessment of his musical capabilities.
In order to numb my senses, I chugged my beer, and followed that up by immediately chugging Taylor’s. My trick worked, because within a few minutes I could feel myself loosening up all over. Taylor had rejoined me, pouting that his beer bottle was empty when I handed it back to him. I mumbled an apology, then wandered over to the couch while he went to “mingle.” It was a good ten to fifteen minutes before anyone came over to me, and when someone did, I was handed another shot.
“To damning the man and doing what we want.” Christina winked at me, holding her shot glass up; I clinked mine to hers and we tossed them back. She fell onto the couch by my side, close enough so the entire side of her body touched mine ever so slightly. Her eyes were sparkling, drunk but not wasted, and she smiled. “Are you feeling adventurous?”
The words “No, thank you,” formed in my mind, but I found that “I might be,” came tumbling out instead when I opened my mouth. Christina’s smile spread and she rested her hand lightly on my bicep. Something I hadn’t felt in awhile stirred in the pit of my stomach and I found I couldn’t help but to smile back at her.
“Meet me in the last room on the left in about five minutes.” She stood up and walked away before I had a chance to respond, leaving me on the couch a little dazed.
Finally, her words sank in and I scrambled up and down the hall, hoping it only looked like I needed to use the bathroom. I saw light spilling into the hall from under the door Christina had indicated and excitedly grabbed the doorknob. With a quick glance over my shoulder, I opened the door and stepped inside, gently closing it behind me. What I saw sitting on the bed almost caused me to turn around and walk back out: Taylor was lying on his back, hands tucked behind his head. He had one foot flat on the bed, his knee pointing toward the ceiling.
He was completely naked.
“What the actual fuck?!” I shouted, turning around. “Damn it, did you two plan this or something?”
“What are you talking about?!” Taylor shouted back–his voice sounded just as surprised and embarrassed as I felt. “What the fuck are you doing in here?” he lowered his voice to a whisper.
“Christina told me to meet her in here,” I replied. “What the fuck are you doing in here?”
“Christina told me to meet her in here,” he answered.
Either Taylor had convinced Christina to get me in here so he could trick me into seeing him naked, or Christina wanted us both in here for some reason. Considering I didn’t think Taylor was smart or suave enough to pull something like the former off, my money was on Christina. As that thought settled in, a new one formed: There really could only be one reason she wanted us both in here.
“Oh, hell no,” I said. “She wants us to have a threesome!” I said. “We gotta go, Tay,”
“A threesome?” Taylor’s voice didn’t sound offended or defensive, but rather contemplative. His mouth turned into an introspective frown; he bobbed his head back and forth a couple of times, then raised his eyebrows and shrugged.
“Oh, hell no,” I repeated, shaking my head. “You’re not actually considering this!”
“Try everything once, I always say.” He winked at me as the door opened and Christina stepped in.
“Oh, good…you’ve already started.” She giggled, clicking off the light.
I was frozen where I was standing, unable, or maybe just unwilling, to turn around. Taylor laughed behind me, and Christina giggled again. “Don’t be such a baby,” Taylor called out. “We won’t bite.”
“Speak for yourself,” Christina cooed.
My feet suddenly moved without instruction from my brain, and before I knew it, I was kneeling on the edge of the bed, stripped down to my boxers. As my eyes finally finished adjusting to the darkness, I saw Christina’s hand reach for my boxers; she tugged them down to my knees, and I managed to wriggle the rest of the way out of them, slightly embarrassed that I was already hard.
Christina’s petite hand circled around me, eliciting a soft groan from my lips. Slowly, she began to pump her hand up and down my shaft; my head fell back as her pace picked up, and I squeezed my eyes shut. A moment later she stopped, and I felt her shift on the bed to make room for me. I moved over so I wasn’t balanced so precariously, and sat down on the bed, my back against the wall it was pushed up against.
The next few minutes were a blur of hands, lips, and other body parts moving over each other. My movements were clumsy, unsure, and every time Taylor and I touched accidentally I cringed away. Christina didn’t seem to be be having nearly as much trouble navigating her way around this as I was, one hand wrapped around me again, the other around Taylor. I let my head fall against the wall, my eyes slipping closed as I lost myself to Christina’s movements. A few moments later, soft lips brushed over mine, and I felt Christina’s tongue parting my lips. I responded by running my own tongue across hers as it slipped by my teeth.
I whimpered softly when her lips pulled away, and my eyes opened slowly, but it wasn’t Christina’s eyes that I was looking into when I did: They were Taylor’s.