All Slutted Up
After Zac left, I retreated to my bedroom. The door to it wasn’t locked and neither was the main door to the suite, but a small part of me was hoping that I could just hide and Zac would forget about trying to bribe me with queso.
No such luck.
I was just staring at the walls twenty minutes later when I heard the suite door open and Zac’s feet shuffling across the carpet. I still jumped when he rapped gently on my door, but quickly recovered and scrambled to my feet.
“Can I get a hand?” He asked when I opened the door to reveal him, arms loaded down with food and a sheepish smile on his face.
Damn him for being so adorable. It would have been so much harder to forgive him if he weren’t, but just that smile had me halfway there.
“Yeah, sorry,” I mumbled, grabbing the drink holder from his hand and holding the door open so he could walk into the room.
He laid out the impressive spread, far more than I had asked him to order, down on my bed and sat gingerly on the edge of it. For a moment, I just stood and stared dumbly at him. Zac tore into a bag containing a taco and was about to take the first bite when he finally realized I hadn’t joined him. He raised his eyebrows in confusion and I took the hint. Keeping a little distance between us, I sat down on my bed and picked up a bag of tortilla chips.
“Queso and salsa?” Zac asked, nudging the two containers toward me. “The guac is all mine, though.”
I nodded, but didn’t trust myself to speak. We both ate in silence for a few minutes before Zac finally sat his food down and gave me a pointed look.
“So, listen,” he said. “I know I was drunk, but I’m pretty sure remember us… I mean… did we have sex?”
“Yeah,” I squeaked out. “We did. I’m sorry.”
“Why are you sorry?”
“Well, I mean, we were drunk, and you know… I mean, I’ve been with Taylor. Do you really want his sloppy seconds?”
Zac reached across the bed and grasped my hand. “George. Hey. I would never think of you that way.”
“I didn’t think you’d ever think of me sexually at all,” I admitted, my voice barely above a whisper. As soon as I said it, I hated myself for it. Of course he didn’t. Not the real me.
Zac stared down at our hands for a moment. “Look, I don’t know why it happened. But it’s not like it’s the first time we’ve… I mean, okay, we didn’t go all the way before. But you looked so pretty and I guess… I guess I was lonely or whatever.”
“So it was just your rebound from Bella?”
“No!” Zac replied quickly, his head shooting up. “No, I mean, it does suck that things ended with her. But not because it was her, and I’m all heartbroken over losing someone like that. Just because it sucks to break up with anyone.”
I chewed my lip for a moment and considered my next question. It had the potential to offend Zac, and the answer probably wouldn’t be one I would like, but I had to ask. “What did you ever see in her anyway?”
“What do you see in Taylor?” He shot back. “I know, it’s just sex between you two. But it’s flattering, isn’t it? That he’s popular or whatever and he wants you. Well, it was flattering to think that someone like Bella wanted me. Although now I’m not so convinced that she ever really did.”
“I guess I can understand that,” I replied softly, then turned my attention back to my food.
“Is something wrong?” Zac asked.
I shook my head. Of course there was, but he didn’t need to know that. And even if he could tell that something was wrong, he didn’t need to know what. How I could even begin to explain how much it hurt me to realize that he hadn’t wanted me, just someone to comfort him when he was drunk and lonely?
“Did I do something?” He prodded. He was getting closer. Surely he wouldn’t figure out what had bothered me, though. He wouldn’t understand. He couldn’t. “Is it… it’s because of last night, I know, but I don’t understand why.”
I sighed. There was no point avoiding the question. “I guess it was… I mean, what changed? Why last night? Did you just want… some Bella substitute?”
“What—no, why would you say that?” Zac’s eyes were wide and full of confusion.
“Well, because of the way I was dressed,” I said weakly, averting my eyes as soon as I said it and stuffing my mouth with tortilla chips. I felt stupid enough; I didn’t want to open my big mouth and say something even dumber.
“Because you dressed up for me?” Zac asked, brow furrowed. “George, I haven’t seen you in a dress since graduation. And yeah, you looked pretty. And I noticed that. But you look pretty right now, in jeans and an old t-shirt. What does the way you were dressed have to do with anything?”
“Would you want to have sex with me now?” I asked, then slapped my hand over my mouth. “I mean. I’m not asking to get down and dirty right this second. I just mean, it feels like… like you only wanted me because I was all slutted up.”
Zac shook his head. “That’s not… I wasn’t thinking that at all, Georgie, I swear. I told you; you’re pretty no matter what. But I won’t deny that it was kinda… flattering, I guess, that you put that much effort into dressing up for my birthday. I never thought you looked slutty.”
“I kinda did, though,” I mumbled.
Zac shoved the food aside and scooted closer to me. “Don’t talk about yourself like that. I didn’t think of it that way, and I don’t think of you that way.”
“You don’t?” I asked. “Not even after I slept with Taylor… and then you, too?”
He shrugged. “I slept with Bella. And okay, you did hold that against me. You know it bothered me that you slept with Taylor, but more… more because you lied to me about it than for any other reason. He’s my brother. He’s a whore but he’s not a bad guy. But Bella… well, she’s Bella.”
“That she is,” I replied, snorting a little with laughter.
“And I don’t want you to try to be like her,” Zac said. “I mean, you did look pretty at my party, but you didn’t look like you. And you… I like you, George. And to answer your question, yes, I would have sex with you just the way you are right now. Why wouldn’t I?”
“I’ve looked like this for years, and you hadn’t… until yesterday.”
“Not totally true,” Zac replied, nudging me. “What about freshman year?”
I snorted again. “I don’t think your hand down my pants for about two minutes really counts.”
Zac blushed. I wondered how he remembered that awkward night and what he thought of it, but I didn’t dare ask. Obviously it embarrassed him on some level; it took a lot to make Zac blush, even though he was practically a prude compared to Taylor. And there I was—comparing them again. It wasn’t fair, and I hated that I did it. It wasn’t right.
“Nevermind,” I mumbled. “I guess I’m just so confused about what happened… and why…”
“Well, I don’t know why it happened,” Zac admitted. “It just did. Why do we have to think about it so much? I don’t want what happened… what we did… to change anything. Or change us. And I don’t want you changing because you think you need to be like Bella to be attractive or whatever. Because trust me, you don’t.”
“I don’t?” I asked, feeling stupid for even doubting him and questioning his statement. But the truth of the matter was, no matter what we had done when we were curious teenagers, he had never shown any sexual interest in me until he saw me in a tight skirt and a pound of makeup.
“No,” Zac said decisively, leaning in and kissing my cheek. “You don’t, George. I promise.”
“And you like me just the way I am?” I was pushing my luck by asking him these questions over and over, I knew. But I couldn’t stop myself.
“I do.” He leaned in closer and kissed the corner of my mouth. “I do. Even though you’ve got salsa right there.”
He swiped his thumb across my upper lip, presumably to remove the offending bit of salsa, then sat back and wiped his hand on a napkin. I felt my cheeks burning up, both because I’d been sitting here having this serious conversation with food on my face and because, well, Zac had kissed me. On purpose.
“I’m tired,” he said, stuffing some of his trash into an empty bag. “Let’s put the leftovers away and lay down. What do you say?”
“It’s early to go to bed, isn’t it?” I asked.
Zac smirked. “Who said anything about sleeping?”
Was he… was he really suggesting what I thought? The smirk that stayed on his lips told me that he definitely was, and he almost seemed to be daring me to defy him and say no. As though it were even a possibility. The word “no” wasn’t in my vocabulary when sex with Zac was on the table.
“Yeah,” I said, grabbing some of the tacos we hadn’t eaten and hopping up. “Okay.”
Zac stood up and kissed the top of my head. “Well, somebody’s eager.”
Feeling bold, I just smacked him on the ass before scurrying out of the room to stow our leftovers in the refrigerator. Knowing my roommates, they wouldn’t be there by morning, but I really didn’t care. Food was the least of my concern right then, and so I was back in the room as quickly as possible, just in time to see Zac shimmying out of his pants. I didn’t even try to resist the urge to whistle.
He rolled his eyes, but smiled. With his pants now on the floor, Zac sat down on my bed and patted the spot next to him.
I wanted to ask what this meant. I wanted to ask what we were now. I wanted to jump up and down and squeal in delight that this was happening at all. But I didn’t do any of those things. I just sat down next to Zac and stared at him, waiting for him to make the next move.
That move turned out to be wrapping his arms around me and pulling me down onto the bed, my body awkwardly sprawled across his. He definitely wasn’t as smooth as—no. I was not going to compare them again. Even if it was a little awkward, it was Zac. The fact overshadowed the awkwardness, and I forgot about it entirely as he tangled a hand in my hair and pressed his lips to mine.
I didn’t know if we were a couple. I didn’t know if we ever would be or if that was even something Zac wanted for me. All I knew was that we were way closer to dating than we had ever been before. And for the moment, that was good enough for me.