Human Emotions
I didn’t see Zac at all the next day after his party. That wasn’t too surprising; it was a Sunday so everyone was recovering and getting ready for the week ahead. For me, that meant long hours in the library to finish an essay I had been putting off too long.
It was for my psychology class, which was far from my best subject. I barricaded myself in a corner on the quiet second floor, with all my references spread out around me and my laptop in front of me, but even hours later I felt like I hadn’t made any progress at all. I didn’t even know how long I had been in the library, but my head and eyes were both screaming with pain and my laptop battery was dying. I ducked under the table to wind the cord around to the nearest outlet. When I sat up again, I nearly screamed at the sight in front of me.
“Thought you might need a coffee break,” Taylor said, a huge grin on his face as he held out a steaming cup from the coffee shop on the library’s first floor.
“And a heart attack?” I suggested, actually clutching my chest. I hadn’t heard him approaching at all; he had just materialized in front of me.
“While I am flattered that I can stop your heart, that really wasn’t my intention this time.” He sat down in the chair across from mine and slid the cup across the table toward me.
I restrained myself from making any jokes about date rape drugs and just took a cautious sip. I definitely needed the caffeine, although I wasn’t even sure how Taylor knew I was here.
“Molly told me you had an essay to work on,” he said, apparently reading my thoughts.
“I didn’t know you even knew where the library was,” I replied.
Taylor smirked. “Where else would I go to pick up hot, nerdy chicks?”
“Well, why don’t you go do that and leave me alone? As you should have figured out when you talked to Molly, I’m busy.” I stood up then, leaving the latte behind, and walked off to the nearest stacks.
I didn’t really need to get a book from the stacks, and I couldn’t say why I was being so rude to Taylor when he had actually done something nice for me. But that wasn’t true. I knew why I couldn’t talk him or even look him in the eyes. Because I’d had sex with Zac. Had it been so hard to talk to Zac when I was hiding my thing with Taylor from him? I wasn’t sure. I was so angry with Zac for being with Bella then that my own guilt was usually pushed aside, smothered by that anger.
Of course, Taylor followed me. Once again, I nearly jumped out of my skin when I saw him peering at me over a row of books.
“We need to talk, Georgie Girl,” he said. “And you are not making yourself look any less guilty when you run from me. More guilty, in fact. So really, you’ve already answered my question, but I still want to hear you say it.”
“Do you practice sounding so creepy or does it just come naturally?” I asked, scurrying away into the next stack.
Unfortunately, Taylor’s freakishly long legs carried him there before I could escape, and he blocked my path. “It’s a talent, really. But you’re trying to change the subject.”
“And what is the subject?” I asked, doing my best to feign innocence. I was pretty sure I had failed entirely.
“The little birthday present you gave my baby brother,” Taylor replied, the worlds falling out of his mouth so casually, as though he were talking about nothing more interesting than the weather.
“What, the Star Wars books?” I asked, pulling a book off the shelf nearest to me and pretending to be completely disinterested in this line of conversation.
“Mmm, no,” Taylor said, leaning against the stack. “But nice try. I know somebody had sex in my bedroom, Georgie. I saw the used condom in the trash. By the way, eww. Now, I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, because I didn’t think you were that shameless, but I’m still not totally buying that it wasn’t you two. But you were both looking awfully guilty before you left the party.”
I slammed the book back onto the shelf and stared Taylor down. I had done a little theatre in high school; surely I could act my way out of this. After all, I had kept my thing with Taylor a secret for quite a while, hadn’t I? “Look, I don’t know why you assume that it was me. Or him. And especially that it was the two of us together. There were plenty of girls all over him all night; it could have been any of them. That seems a lot more likely than Zac finally showing any interest in me, don’t you think?”
“The way you were dressed, darling?” Taylor raised an eyebrow. “Every guy in that party was showing a little interest in you. You just only had eyes for my brother, so of course you didn’t notice.”
“What’s your point?” I asked.
“No point,” he replied breezily. “I just think the truth might be fun for a change. You lied to Zac about me, and now you’re lying to me about him? Not cool, Georgie Girl. Not cool.”
“Don’t compare the two situations,” I snapped. “Even if it did happen, and I’m definitely not saying that it did, it would be nothing like our little… little thing.”
“I’m not even going to touch the phrase ‘little thing,’” Taylor replied.
“Why am I still talking to you?” I took a few steps backward, putting as much space between us as I could. Taylor followed me, backing me up against one of the stacks. “I really didn’t think you were capable of human emotions at all, so the fact that you actually seem jealous right now is really shocking.”
“Jealousy implies that I think he’s actually better than me,” Taylor said huskily, leaning in so close that I could feel his breath on my neck. “And I know better than that. I know you’re in love with him or whatever, but let’s be honest—he couldn’t ever dream of getting you off the way I do. And I think that’s why you won’t admit what happened; because you don’t wanna rule out the possibility of being with me again.”
I hated him. I officially hated Taylor Hanson. I flinched back away from him, but it wasn’t like I could get very far when I was caught between him and stacks of books. “Or maybe nothing at all happened and you’re just delusional and jealous. Neither of which, by the way, are a good look for you.”
“I would say slutty isn’t a good look for you, but actually… I kinda like it.” Taylor grinned.
“Yeah, well, I already knew you were a total sleazeball,” I replied. “What’s your point?”
“No point, really,” he said, stepping back and shrugging. “Just wanted the truth. But it’ll come out eventually, I’m sure.”
“Just leave me alone, please?” I was starting to sound whiny and pathetic, but I really didn’t care. I just wanted this conversation to end.
“Fine,” he said, throwing his hands up in the air as if to plead innocence. “Consider the conversation over… for now.”
With that, Taylor finally turned and walked away. I let out a huge sigh, and practically collapsed back against the bookshelf. Why did I let him get to me and get under my skin like that? Because he was right, I supposed. He knew. I could lie to him all I wanted, but he knew. He saw right through me, and I didn’t like that.
Once I was sure Taylor was gone, having peered around the stacks just to be sure he wasn’t lurking anywhere, I made my way back to the table where my laptop and notes still sat, along with the latte Taylor had brought me. Was it supposed to be a peace offering? Something to ease the sting of his interrogation? It hadn’t really worked. But I did need caffeine, and it worked perfectly well for that purpose, even if it had cooled down quite a bit while Taylor and I were arguing.
As I sipped the latte, I realized what it was that made me so upset. It wasn’t Taylor’s accusations—okay, that was a part of it. But something had clicked in my head when he had called me slutty. I knew he was just teasing, but I had tried to change my image to what was arguably a sluttier look. And why? To impress Zac?
Well, it had worked, hadn’t it?
I should have been happy about that, and yet I wasn’t. Zac didn’t want me. He wanted the slutty, girly girl I was pretending to be. He wanted my body and nothing more. While I should have been flattered that he wanted even that—after all, wasn’t I flattered that Taylor did?—I just wasn’t. If it took an extreme makeover for him to take a purely sexual interest in me, I could only imagine how ugly he thought I was the rest of the time. And even if he didn’t, it wasn’t my personality he was suddenly falling for. That obviously impressed him as much as my lackluster looks.
It all boiled down to one obvious fact: he had no interest in me other than sexual interest.
And even that wasn’t good enough if I had to be tarted up for him to notice I was a woman. I could joke all I wanted about being his asexual best friend, but it was becoming more and more obvious that that really was how he saw me. Unless I changed everything about myself, I held no interest to him.
And I thought Taylor was the shallow one.
I felt sick, but I gulped down the rest of my latte anyway and forced myself to finish my essay. I had nothing else going for me—certainly no boyfriend to spend time with—so what else did I have to do but classwork?
Without even noticing, I worked all the way through dinner; when I finally emerged from the library, I was surprised to see that it was dark. Most of the restaurants in the student center would still be open, but I really didn’t feel that hungry, so I decided just to head back to the suite and find something to snack on in our kitchen.
It was a pretty long walk back, and I was exhausted by the time I made it into the building. I swung the suite door open and headed straight for the couch, plopping down on it and letting my bags fall to the floor in front of me.
“Hey.”
I nearly jumped out of my skin at the sound of Zac’s voice. “What the hell?”
“Molly let me in,” he said. “Apparently you were working hard in the library, so I wanted to see if you wanted to get some Taco Bueno.”
“What is with you guys trying to feed me today?” I asked. When Zac just gave me a blank stare, I waved a hand dismissively at him. “Nevermind. I’m really not hungry, but thanks.”
“Look, George,” he said, then sighed and ran a hand through his hair. I had a feeling I knew what was coming next. “I think we need to talk. I mean, my memory is pretty hazy, but…”
“Then let it stay hazy,” I replied. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Come on, please,” Zac said, standing up and holding his hand out to me.
Childishly, I crossed my arms to hide my hands from him. “I just really, really don’t wanna talk about it. But now that you mention it… I could go for some chips and salsa.”
“If I come back with chips and salsa will you talk?”
“It’s a definite maybe,” I replied.
Zac gave me a smile. “I’ll take it.”
He turned and walked away then, but I didn’t watch him go. Once I heard the suite door slam, I let out a sigh. What had I gotten myself into? Why did I agree to talk to him? What he had to say couldn’t possibly be good. It could only confirm my fears: that what we had done was nothing more than a drunken mistake that he didn’t wish to repeat.