Penis-Driven Feelings
Taylor froze, his eyes as wide as saucers.
My mouth opened to yell at Taylor for being wrong about his roommate being gone all night, but the look on Taylor’s face said that what had actually just happened was worse than that. I didn’t want to look, but I had to know. I was frozen on the spot, though, unable to turn around and face my fears.
“George?”
It was Zac.
Of all possibilities, that was the worst one I could have imagined.
“Oh, dear!” Bella cried out. “We should probably go.”
No, that was the worst possibility. Not just Zac witnessing this, but Zac and Bella.
I wanted to crawl down into the floor and just vanish into it, but I still couldn’t move. Taylor at least had the presence of mind to grab a blanket that was laying on the back of couch and drape it over us, concealing my body as I finally snapped back to reality and struggled to climb off of him. I was tempted to just bury my face in the back of the couch so that I wouldn’t have to face Zac, but I knew I couldn’t do that.
The door finally slammed shut behind the two of them as I wiggled around, the blanket pulled tight around my body. I curled into the fetal position, tears starting to burn my eyes. The look on Zac’s face made me feel even worse than I already did. He looked so disappointed in me. He looked how I felt when I discovered him and Bella.
And Bella? Well, she looked strangely pleased.
“Please tell me there’s some explanation for this other than the obvious,” Zac said.
“Afraid I can’t,” Taylor said softly, hardly a trace of his usual arrogance or sarcasm in his words.
“What the actual fuck?” Zac screeched. “George? Taylor? Why you would you—with him?!”
I sniffled. “I don’t… I don’t know.”
Taylor didn’t look offended by that, but in a way, he had reason to be. I really didn’t know why I was sleeping with him, other than a desperate desire not to be a virgin anymore. He had suggested it as a way to make Zac jealous, but I hadn’t wanted Zac to know. I wasn’t so sure jealous would be his reaction; I just knew it wouldn’t be good. I had been right.
“Zac, honey, we should really leave them alone,” Bella said, tugging on Zac’s arm.
He shook his head. “They can get dressed, but I need to talk to George. I’m not leaving them alone for longer than it takes them to stop being naked.”
“Why, are you afraid if you turn your head for a second, she’ll trip and fall on my dick again?” Taylor asked, sneering.
“I’m afraid if I have to think about that again, I’ll barf.”
I rolled my eyes, but in a way, I was glad that for the moment, they were directing their anger at each other, and not at me. As calmly as I could, I said, “If you guys will just go outside for like five minutes. Just let me get dressed, and then we can talk, Zac.”
Zac stared at me for a moment, looking like he wanted to argue, but finally he gave me a curt nod and turned around. He hurried out of the apartment with Bella hot on his heels, and I let out a huge sigh as soon as he was gone.
“Okay, not altogether how we were planning for that to go,” Taylor remarked.
“I’m sorry, were we planning that?” I asked. “Because I was hoping he would never, ever find out.”
“The whole point was to make him jealous, wasn’t it?” Taylor’s brow furrowed. “I mean, you couldn’t very well do that if it stayed a secret. He had to know.”
I stared at Taylor. I didn’t understand his obsession with making Zac jealous. I had felt betrayed by Zac, sure, but I hadn’t wanted to hurt him like that. I had only wanted some outlet for my frustration and anger. Had Taylor really thought all along that it was about making Zac jealous and that it was necessary for him to know?
I shook my head. “No. No, I never wanted him to know, Tay.”
“You know, it’s starting to sound like you’re ashamed of what we did.”
Before I could respond to that, I became aware of a lot of noise coming from outside Taylor’s apartment. Specifically, arguing. More specifically, Zac and Bella arguing. It wasn’t loud enough for me to hear, as much as I wanted to. But what could they have to argue about?
“Ignore them,” Taylor said, casting a glance at the door. “Focus on me. Or the fact that any minute now, they’re going to walk back in here and you’re just wearing my blanket.”
I glanced down and realized that Taylor was right. Blushing, I held the blanket in place and stood up to start scouring the floor for all my clothes. They had somehow gone all over the place, but I tracked them all down without losing my improvised dress. With all of them in one hand and the blanket clutched in the other, I stared at Taylor until he took the hint and covered his eyes. Still, I hurried to redress because I didn’t trust him to keep his eyes closed.
“Okay,” I said when I was done.
I smoothed my hair down while Taylor lazily pulled his boxer briefs and jeans on. He didn’t bother with any more clothes than that, and I wasn’t sure why I expected anything else from him. He had just sat back down on the couch, looking perfectly relaxed, when Zac flung the door open again, barely even bothering to rap on it to warn us.
Zac glanced at me briefly, then directed his attention to Taylor. “You, stay here. I’m going to deal with you later, trust me.”
“Whatever,” Taylor replied, shrugging.
“You,” Zac said, turning to face me. “You’re coming with me.”
It was ridiculous how he thought he could boss me around, but I felt too much shame over what he had seen to express that opinion. I just grabbed my cell phone and keys from where they had fallen and followed Zac out of Tay’s apartment. I noticed that Bella was gone, but I didn’t know what to make of that, and it didn’t seem like the best thing to ask Zac about right then.
He walked a few feet ahead of me and didn’t speak again until we were out of Sitlington. “I can’t fucking believe you, George.”
“What?” I asked, trying to sound clueless and innocent. “What, exactly, did I do that was so horrible? Am I not allowed to choose who I have sex with?”
He spun around to face me. “Of course you are. But so am I. Yet I seem to recall you getting royally pissed that I chose to be with Bella. If you don’t get how that’s just a little bit hypocritical, then I don’t know what to say.”
I stared back at him, somewhat stunned. I hadn’t thought of it that way. But then, I wasn’t stupid. I knew that in some way, I was stooping to his level by choosing someone so horrible to lose my virginity to. The difference was that he actually saw something in Bella, while my thing with Taylor was just sex. And yet… somehow that made me worse, didn’t it?
“Didn’t think of it that way, did you?” Zac asked, stepping a little closer to me. “But I guess you really didn’t think at all. If you would have, surely you would have realized you’re better than being one of his whores.”
“I’m not—” I cut myself off, because the truth was, that’s exactly what I was.
“What?” Zac asked. “Don’t tell me you’re actually dating him.”
I shook my head. “No. No, it’s just sex.”
“Why would you do that?” Zac asked, his voice softening a little. I realized he really was curious.
“Because I was sick of being a virgin,” I answered honestly. “I hate the stigma of it, and Taylor was there… and I was upset… so it happened. And it kept happening, because why not? Why does it matter?”
“If it doesn’t matter, why did you keep it a secret? Don’t tell me you weren’t ashamed.”
I hung my head. “Because I knew you would be upset.”
“Well, you were right,” he replied, the words spat out with such venom that it was obvious his curiousity was gone and his anger was back.
“But I don’t… I don’t really understand why you’re angry,” I added.
“Because… well because…” Zac stuttered out. “Why wouldn’t I be angry? You lied to me and went behind my back and—”
“No,” I replied, shaking my head. “I mean, sure, I may have lied about going to see him, but there was never a time that you suspected and I lied right to your face. I know that doesn’t make it much better, but it’s not like you ever told me not to be with him. You act like it’s just like me being mad about you and Bella, but it’s not. Sure, he’s your brother and you guys don’t always get along, but… well, he’s your brother. Bella is not my friend and she never will be. You knew how I felt about her, and you chose to act on some weird, penis-driven feelings you had for her anyway. So you really can’t compare the two situations at all, and that still doesn’t explain why you’re so mad. Be mad that I lied by omission, but don’t be mad that I found somebody who would have sex with me.”
Zac stared at me for a moment, then backed away and put his hands up. “You know what? Forget it. I’m not going to argue about this anymore. You admit you lied, so yeah, you should get why I’m mad.”
“I just don’t know why that makes you this mad,” I replied.
“If you don’t get it… well, I don’t know. I can’t explain it. It just does.”
“Then go be mad,” I said. “You don’t wanna talk about it, then we’re done talking about it. Get out of my face. It’s not gonna hurt me to add one more thing to the list of reasons why I’m not speaking to you right now.”
“Alright,” he said, backing further away. “Consider the subject dropped.”
I nodded, but didn’t speak. My lips were sealed tightly as I watched Zac walk away in the direction of our dorm. I stood on the spot, not really feeling like following him back to Zink.
It wasn’t as though I didn’t realize that Zac had a point. Yeah, I had lied to him, both by choosing not to tell him about my thing with Taylor and by covering that lie with further lies. But he had lied to me about Bella, too. Two wrongs might not have made a right, but they did make Zac the hypocrite for getting mad when I had done the same thing he had done.
But as I told him, it wasn’t the same at all. Bella was a horrible, horrible person, and Taylor was… well, slightly less horrible. He had always sort of been my friend, because of proximity more than anything else, but Bella had not. Bella was a vapid little bitch. Taylor was also pretty vapid, but he had shown me more consideration during our short lived affair that I thought was possible. He might have had some shallow, manwhore tendencies, but he wasn’t in Bella’s league at all.
Why did I even need to defend him, though? He was Zac’s brother. Zac was usually the one defending him to me. This wasn’t about Zac disliking Taylor. What it was about… I wasn’t entirely sure.