Used To It
For a long moment, Taylor and I just stared at each other. Zac barely stirred beside me. Considering how deeply he seemed to sleep, that didn’t come as a surprise at all.
“It’s not… We were… playing video games, and I guess… we just passed out,” I finally squeaked out, certain that Taylor would be able to tell it was a lie.
He nodded. “Well, you should, umm, get up soon.”
I stared up at him, not really believing that he had bought my lie. I tried to silently plea with him that if he didn’t buy it, he at least kept quiet about what he’d seen.
“Hey, whatever happened… it’s none of my business,” he finally said, throwing his hands up as a show of innocence. “But you guys should probably get up soon.”
“Yeah, okay,” I replied, adding a silent thank you as Taylor turned to leave.
A loud thump came from somewhere else on the bus, and it was that sound that finally woke Zac from his coma-like sleep. Although his eyes fluttered open and shut a few times, he only moved closer to me rather than farther away.
“Mmm, Katie,” he mumbled.
I froze and stiffened against him, and his eyes finally opened all the way. The look in them made it blatantly obvious that he knew he’d called me the wrong name. I tried to ignore the disappointment I was sure I could see in them.
“We have to get up,” I said, not meeting his eyes.
“Is it… did I stay back here all night?”
I nodded, biting my lip in anticipation of what I was sure wouldn’t be a good response.
“Oh,” he said, his voice entirely void of emotion.
“Taylor saw us,” I admitted.
I hadn’t wanted to tell him that, but I figured he needed to know. What if Taylor said something to him about it? Even the thought of lying to Zac by omission bothered me. It was silly, since I realized all the lies we would have to tell everyone else to cover this up. But lying to Zac… I didn’t think I could do it.
Zac stared at me for a moment, his eyelids blinking rapidly as he tried to both wake up and process my words. “Oh. Well, fuck.”
It wasn’t eloquent, but it summed up my feelings on the matter as well.
“I guess I should just go, then,” Zac said.
He untangled his limbs from mine and climbed off the couch before I could complain. And why should I have? We couldn’t risk being caught together again, and I certainly didn’t have any claim on him. I had to let him go.
“So, you’re really having fun on tour?” Avery asked for what felt like the millionth time. I knew she didn’t quite believe me, because I just couldn’t find it in myself to be very enthusiastic. “Where are you guys now—Texas, right?”
“Yeah, we just got to Austin this morning, and we’re going to Dallas tomorrow. We actually get to stay in a hotel tonight. What a luxury.”
Avery giggled. “Still not used to sleeping on the bus, huh?”
I hadn’t meant to lead us down that path, but it was too late. My mind flashed back to the night before, and the way Zac had touched me. The way he knew exactly which buttons to press to make me feel like I was going to scream… the way he curled up around me as though we’d shared a bed for years… the way he ran away so quickly after calling me by his wife’s name.
“Colby? You still there? I know signal is spotty in some of those venues…”
“No, I’m… I’m still here,” I replied, shaking my head to try to make those thoughts of Zac vanish. “Yeah, I’m not really… I don’t think I’m really cut out for sleeping on tour buses.”
“Few people are. The rest of us just have to get used to it,” she said.
“Well, who knows if I’ll even get the chance to get used to it?” As soon as the words left my mouth, I regretted them.
I hadn’t really thought past this tour. I knew the offer to move to Tulsa for an internship at 3CG was still on the table, and this tour was being treated as some sort of initiation or on the job training. But I still felt like I had the option to back out. Did I want to back out? Until I asked that question of myself, I hadn’t thought so. Now I wasn’t so sure.
“I mean, I just can’t imagine that I ever will get used to it, no matter how many times I’m on a tour bus,” I said, hoping to cover my tracks well enough.
“Just take it one tour at a time,” Avery replied. It was a strangely cryptic, but sage, reply for someone as peppy as her. I wondered how much she really could see—or hear, rather—through my facade.
“I guess,” I said. “Anyway, I’ve gotta get start setting up for the concert.”
“Okay, give me a call the next time you have a day off or some free time? And tell Ike and I said congrats on the new baby.”
“Yeah, definitely,” I replied.
We finished saying goodbye and I hung up as quickly as possible. While I did have to start setting up the merch booth soon, it wasn’t as urgent as I’d made it sound. The truth was, I just feared that if I kept talking to Avery, she was going to figure out that something was wrong. Even if Taylor had some suspicions now, no one else needed to know what had happened between Zac and I. Definitely not his little sister. She would hate me, I was sure of it. There was a reason she’d been so guarded about who her family was, after all. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust me in particular—she didn’t even know yet that I’d given her reason not to—but the possibility for someone to take advantage of her to get closer to her brothers had to always be there. So she couldn’t know about Zac. She just couldn’t.
I’d wasted enough time talking to Avery that I knew I was running late getting set up for the evening, and Annalee would no doubt be looking for me soon. Merch seemed to be the one aspect of the whole tour that kept to our schedule and rarely, if ever, ran late.
Despite Zac’s complaints about me, no one could say that I didn’t do my job well. I was starting to suspect that those complaints weren’t based on anything but feelings he didn’t want to have and had decided to take out on me.
I could worry about that later. Right then, I had a job to do.
Because we were in Texas, one of the few states where the band would soon be selling their beer, we’d been instructed to put out the t-shirts and glasses, just to remind fans they’d be able to buy the beer soon, too. Those had stayed deep in storage so far, and I knew it would take some digging to find them. Before heading out to do just that, I poked my head into the front of the venue to find Annalee and tell her where I was going. I couldn’t help but let out a sigh of relief that I didn’t see Zac.
It was odd not to want to see him after what we had done, but that was exactly how I felt. If I blushed just thinking about last night on the bus couch, I could only imagine how red my cheeks would turn if I were face to face with Zac. I knew I couldn’t avoid him for the rest of the tour, but I could throw myself into my work and hide until the memory of what we’d done wasn’t so fresh in my mind.
Of course, as soon as I stepped outside, I spotted Zac. He was several yards away, with his back to me, and it took me a second to realize he was on his cell phone. For a moment, I just stood dumbly and watched him pace the parking lot, head bowed as he talked to someone I could only assume was his wife.
His wife… every time I remembered her existence, I felt sick to my stomach. Even though she did seemingly hate my guts, she didn’t deserve this. She didn’t deserve to sit at home, Zac’s child growing inside of her, and be clueless about his infidelity.
Not that I wanted her to know, either. If it were up to me, no one at all would know.
I became so caught up in my thoughts that I didn’t even notice when Zac turned and began to pace back toward me. Even from a distance I could see the expression on his face change as his eyes locked on me. His smile vanished, replaced by a scowl I was certain I had done nothing to deserve.
Before he could do something stupid like hang up on his wife and come talk to me, I hurried on to the trailer and did my best to look busy. I knew I couldn’t pull off uninterested, but maybe busy would be enough to keep him away for the moment.
What I didn’t count on, though, was how heavy the boxes of Mmmhops merch would be. I hauled the t-shirts out with no problem and just barely made it to the pavement outside the trailer with the box of glasses. That was, to my great frustration, as far as I could go. I was certain that no matter how hard I tried, I wouldn’t make it into the building with that box.
I hadn’t even heard Zac approach, so I jumped a little when he swooped down upon me and scooped up the box like it was full of little more than air. “Here, let me help you.”
“I don’t need your help,” I replied stubbornly, in spite of the evidence to the contrary.
“Sure you don’t,” Zac said, then took off toward the venue doors.
I could do little more than pick up the box of t-shirts and follow him.
My face felt like it was burning as I trailed behind Zac. At least he couldn’t see my embarrassment as long as his back was turned to me. I still felt like a pathetic little puppy dug chasing after him.
He dropped the box of glasses a little more roughly than necessary, making me wince at the way they clinked and banged together. Annalee frowned, but didn’t say anything to him. Instead, she focused her attention on me.
“We should probably put out two boxes of shirts,” she said, then gave me a hopeful look. “Do you mind fetching another?”
“Not at all,” I replied. I was just glad to be away from Zac.
I handed over the first box to Annalee, then turned to make my way back through the venue’s backstage area and out to the parking lot. Zac had slipped away at some point, and I was perfectly fine with that.
That particular venue was laid out like a maze, and I struggled to remember the way to the back door. I counted off the turns in my head, hoping that two lefts and a right would take me where I needed to go. As I rounded the last corner, I thought I should have seen the door, but I didn’t see anything but someone’s broad chest.
I knew before I even looked up that I’d run into Zac. That was just my luck.
“Colby,” he gasped out, sounding just as flustered as I felt. Was it possible? Could Zac really be as shaken up by my existence as I was his?
I could only stare up at him. I didn’t have a single word for Zac right then. Vaguely, I realized that I was breathing heavily and my heart was pounding so hard I could hear it in my ears. But Zac’s chest was heaving just as much.
For a moment that seemed to last forever, we just stared at each other. I was only somewhat aware of Zac advancing upon me, backing me into some alcove I hadn’t even seen. I jumped a little, but Zac hadn’t left me much room to move. When he leaned down to kiss me, I could smell cigarettes on his breath, but I didn’t mind. Kissing Zac was worth putting up with that taste. Some voice at the back of my mind wondered why I didn’t know he smoked, but most of my mind and body was occupied with the way his tongue had snaked its way into my mouth.
I wanted to stay there and kiss him forever, but the sound of loud laughter forced us apart. It sounded far away, though, but Zac’s eyes still went wide. He chanced a quick glance out into the hallway, then looked back at me and mouthed the word “stay.”
I wanted to be offended by the way he’d given me a command, but as I watched him make a quick escape, I realized that I really was like a pathetic little puppy dog, chasing after him pointlessly and hopelessly.