Undertow
I spent the drive to Memphis hiding in my bunk. I didn’t want to face Zac after that drunken kiss. Even though his words had been slurred, he seemed to know exactly what he was doing when he kissed me. Still, I was sure that if he was sober, he wouldn’t have admitted all the things he did about his marriage. Although he still left a lot unsaid, I could read between the lines and see that things weren’t perfect, and I was certain he didn’t want me to know that.
If I could, I would avoid letting him ever find out that I did know.
I managed to successfully avoid him until well into the afternoon. Since we got into Memphis so early, Annalee and I ended up with a lot of free time. After a little sight seeing on Beale Street, we headed back to the venue to relax until the show. Minglewood Hall was in a strange sort of plaza with a bunch of other businesses, and I eventually found myself around the back of the building, leaning against the railing. From there, I could just barely see the river in the distance. It was such a cliché thing, but I’d always been drawn to bodies of water. My mom, who was into all sorts of new age stuff, said it was because I was a pisces. I wasn’t as into that stuff as she was, but I had to admit my sign fit me pretty well—that was why my fourth tattoo had been a set of fish, one on each foot. I was perfectly happy letting myself drift downstream, but I knew it was all too easy to let the current pull me under, too.
Although I hadn’t heard the door open or close, I suddenly felt the warmth of someone standing next to me. Somehow, even before I turned to look, I knew who it was. I remembered that warmth and his scent, even though the latter had been buried under several shots of rum the night before.
“Zac,” I said. “I didn’t know you were there.”
“I didn’t know you were here,” he countered. “What are you doing?”
I shrugged. “Just thinking, I guess.”
“About what?” He asked. There was something off about his demeanor, and I couldn’t quite put my finger on what. Something… distant. Unfamiliar. Nothing like the night before.
“About… water, I guess,” I replied, soliciting a confused look from Zac. “I dunno, I’m a pisces. It’s a thing.”
“Is that what the fish are all about?” He asked, pointing to my feet. Each foot had a slightly different koi fish, in shades of blue and pink. Together, they formed the symbol for my sign.
“Tay’s a pisces…” Zac replied, but I could tell his mind was elsewhere. A second later, he brushed back my hair, revealing my first tattoo, the three brightly colored stars behind my ear. “This one… what’s this one about?”
“Teenage rebellion,” I replied, trying not to tremble at Zac’s touch.
His head had rested right against those tattoos the night before, his hair brushing my neck. I wondered if he remembered. As he pulled back and stared at me, his eyes growing hazy, I had a feeling realization was hitting him right as I watched.
“Did you… were you in my room last night?” He asked, but I could see in his eyes that he already knew the answer.
“Yeah. You were shitfaced.”
Zac nodded, as though that explained everything, and I supposed it did. He gave a little snort and shook his head. “Well, whatever happened… like you said, I was shitfaced. That’s all.”
I could only stare at him, open mouthed. Even though I should have expected him make excuses and apologize, I didn’t expect him to brush me off so easily. He was so dismissive, so callous.
“I mean, I’m pretty sure I remember trying to warn you that I’m probably not to be trusted. Especially when I’m drunk.”
“That seems hypocritical, to warn me of that when you’re drunk,” I couldn’t help pointing out.
Zac just rolled his eyes. “You don’t know me. You don’t know my life, no matter what you think. Don’t go assuming shit or putting words in my mouth.”
I could only gape at him. When had I done any of that? He was the one who spewed his sob story to me. Now he was accusing me? It made no sense. This cold side of him chilled me to the bone, though, and I shied away from arguing with him. There was little I could do but stutter helplessly. “I didn’t… I wasn’t…”
“Yeah, well, don’t. Just don’t,” he spat.
As Zac turned and walked away from me down the street, everything that had happened the night before flashed through my mind. I knew he was drunk; I wasn’t stupid. That didn’t mean everything he said and did had to be a lie, though. Did it? Sometimes alcohol brought out the truth, I knew it did. The words he’d said, when they weren’t slurred practically beyond recognition, painted a picture of a lost, lonely boy. But sober, Zac has too much pride to admit to any of that.
Maybe. But maybe he was just drunk and did something he truly didn’t want to do and would never have done sober.
Some of his last few words before kissing me echoed in my mind.
“Why do you want to be my friend, Colby?”
I stared at the door his figure vanishing around the corner. The real answer to his question was that I didn’t. But it was too late. He’d taken hold of me already and pulled me under. I had no doubt at all that he would let me drown before all was said and done.
I did my best to avoid Zac for the rest of the night and on into the next day. If he didn’t want me to assume things or even do anything, then that was exactly what he was going to get from me.
Nothing.
When he was in the back of the bus playing his video games, I stayed at the front. I forced myself to sleep in my bunk, or at least lay wide awake in it, when I knew he was still awake. I wouldn’t let myself go anywhere near that back lounge if there was a chance Zac would be there.
On the way to New Orleans, though, a brief stretch of time passed without him hovering around and seemingly occupying more than his share of space. I found myself drawn to the back of the bus where someone had left a guitar haphazardly propped against the couch. It looked like one of Taylor’s, and that sort of ditzy carelessness was something I had already come to associate with him, even though I didn’t know him all that well.
I knew I shouldn’t pick it up and start playing it, but I wanted to. It wasn’t right, though. It wasn’t mine and I hadn’t asked. I was pretty sure he was still inside the gas station. I resolved to ask him when he came back out. If he said no, I imagined I would spend the rest of the tour hating myself for not bringing my guitar. For some reason, it hadn’t seemed like a practical thing to pack considering the fact that I would be surrounded by other musicians.
“Go on,” a voice said, making me jump.
I was caught by strong, unfamiliar arms, and I turned my head to see that they were attached to Taylor. He chuckled and placed me back onto the floor as steadily as possible. Blushing, I said, “Sorry, you scared me a little.”
“Yeah, and you were about to start drooling on my guitar, too. I think I got here right in time.”
I tilted my head as I stared at him, trying to figure out if Taylor was being flirty or not. I had already learned that it was hard to tell with him. Flirtatious words just seemed to fall out of his mouth no matter who he was talking to; it didn’t mean anything in particular if they were directed toward you. At the same time, of course, it made you feel special. Taylor was the perfect lead singer that way.
He nudged me toward the couch. “Go on, I know you play. If you’re good, maybe we’ll let you open for the next tour.”
“Well, guitar isn’t my specialty, but…” I said, taking a seat and picking up the guitar.
It was in tune, not surprisingly, but since it wasn’t mine, it didn’t really feel right in my hands. Still, it played just the same, and soon I was racking my brain for something to play that wasn’t just a few random notes. I landed on Layla, because I always fell back to classic rock; that was, after all, what my parents had raised me on and taught me to play first.
What’ll you do when you get lonely
And nobody’s waiting by your side?
You’ve been running and hiding much too long.
You know it’s just your foolish pride.
“Not bad,” Taylor said. He hummed along softly for a moment. “You alright, though? I mean, enjoying the tour so far?”
I shrugged, but the sour note I hit said it all. “It’s… taking some getting used to.”
Taylor nodded knowingly, which made me want to laugh. I doubted he even remembered what it was like to be new to touring, and surely he didn’t know what had happened with Zac. Once again, that was just Taylor. He knew how to connect with people, or at least seem as though he were making a real connection. Somehow, he still made me feel like I could spill my guts to him. But I didn’t.
I tried to give you consolation
When your old man had let you down.
Like a fool, I fell in love with you,
Turned my whole world upside down.
“You’ll love it eventually,” he said. “I mean, it’s tough being away from your family, but there’s nothing like being on the road, being on stage…”
“Well, I wouldn’t know about being on stage,” I replied.
“Maybe not right now, but don’t you perform at all?”
I shrugged. “A little bit. Plenty of recitals when I was younger, and the performances I had to be graded on in college. But I’m more of a behind the scenes person.”
“Well, then we’ll have to work on that,” Taylor said with a smile.
“Yeah, you do that,” I replied, rolling my eyes. “I’ll come out and play Mmmbop with you guys, how about that?”
“Why Mmmbop?”
Sheepishly, I admitted, “It’s the only one I really know. I mean, aside from a couple of the new ones, like Juliet…”
I trailed off then, hating myself for inadvertently bringing the conversation to Zac. Taylor couldn’t know what I was thinking, of course, but it didn’t matter. I’d already managed to lose my train of thought and upset myself, and surely Taylor could see that. I looked away from him for a moment, and when I glanced back his brow was furrowed.
“Well, why don’t you play me something else? Something you do know?”
After a moment’s thought, I decided on Gypsy by Fleetwood Mac. It had always been one of my mom’s favorites, and it still hurt a little to play. I didn’t know why I had picked it just then, when I could barely even bring myself to sing the words without choking up.
And it all comes down to you
Well, you know that it does
Well, lightning strikes, maybe once, maybe twice
Ah, and it lights up the night
And you see your gypsy
I had just made it to the second chorus when a shadow appeared in the door. My fingers slipped when I saw that it was Zac. When he saw me, his face darkened and I nearly stopped playing entirely. He turned and left so quickly that I almost wondered if I had imagined the entire thing or at least the strange expression on his face.
I turned back to Taylor, whose face mirrored my own confusion. He gave me a gentle nudge and picked up humming the melody again the urge me on.
Although I kept playing, my heart wasn’t in it. I didn’t understand what had happened at all. Zac was such a strange, brooding enigma to me. I didn’t understand at all what I had done to upset him now, and I didn’t trust him to ever tell me the truth about it. I wished I could just be done caring what Zac thought of me, but I knew already that time would never come.
And if I was a child
And the child was enough
Enough for me to love
Enough to love