Happy New Year
For days, I had been ignoring Avery’s texts and phone calls. I knew it was bad but I couldn’t stop myself. I had nothing to say to her. Whatever I did say was guaranteed to make me look guilty because I just wasn’t good enough to keep up this lie much longer. I knew I wasn’t. I could feel myself starting to go crazy already.
The one time we actually had spoken, I had waffled about whether or not I wanted to go to her brothers’ New Years Eve concert with her. My excuse had been that I didn’t know if Asher—who I’d felt forced to tell her about—was busy, and I didn’t want to go up to Syracuse without him. It was a flimsy excuse, and I think Avery knew that, but she didn’t press. At least, not until New Years Eve itself, when she called me while Asher and I were shopping.
“Avery, I just really don’t think we’re going to make it,” I said, slowing down to put a little distance between myself and Asher. I didn’t want him to listen to this.
“There’s still time,” she replied. “It could be really fun to go see them without having to work, don’t you think?”
No I didn’t. Not at all. But I couldn’t tell Avery that. “I just…. haven’t been feeling very well lately. I wouldn’t be any fun at a concert.”
“You’re not going to try to go to Times Square, either?” She asked.
“Hell no,” I replied. “I did that once, for you, and never again. Remember how much fun I wasn’t that night? Because I would be even worse tonight, trust me.”
Finally, Avery sighed. “Okay, okay. But we need to get together soon. I feel like I haven’t seen you for years.”
“I know,” I replied. “I’ve just been working a lot, and going to Asher’s concerts…”
“Yeah, well, you need to introduce me to this Asher guy,” Avery said. “You know I need to approve of any new man in your life.”
I almost laughed at the absurdity of it. If Avery had any idea… But that was the point. She couldn’t know, and that was why I kept hiding from her, until I could figure out how to explain this baby growing in my belly. Right then, I still didn’t know how to tell her. So I kept making excuses. Finally, after a few more minutes of back and forth while I wandered up and down the ice cream aisle, Avery relented and said she would come see me soon. It was the best I could do, I decided.
Once I finally got Avery off the phone, I grabbed a carton of cookie dough and shuffled down the aisle to find Asher. When I put the ice cream in the cart, he gave me a strange look, and I wasn’t sure if it was because of the ice cream or because of the phone call. I distracted him by asking if he wanted another flavor, and for the moment, it seemed to work.
We finished shopping a few minutes later and headed back to my apartment. Even though I had told Avery that we might have plans, we really didn’t—nothing that couldn’t be changed, at least. Since I couldn’t drink and I couldn’t handle the crowds even at the best of times, we had no plans to go to Times Square or any other big party in the city. We planned instead to sit in my apartment and watch the celebration on tv. If it wasn’t too cold, we might bundle up and sit on the roof. You couldn’t see the fireworks that well, but there would still be people on the streets and all sorts of celebration going on below us.
It was a boring plan, but Asher and I were like that. He was clearly a homebody anyway, and I was becoming more and more of one with every day that passed.
I fell into bed right after we finished putting away the groceries. I was too tired to even comment on the fact that Asher had paid for all of them. Like Zac, he didn’t seem to grasp that I wasn’t hurting for money. Sure, I didn’t have as much of it as either of them, but even college hadn’t put that much of a dent in the life insurance money or the money I’d gotten after selling everything from Mom and Dad’s house that Aunt Sus hadn’t wanted to keep. I certainly didn’t need Asher, or even Zac, to take care of me and this baby.
But Asher insisted. He ushered me off to bed, assuring me that I had plenty of time to nap before I would risk missing the celebration. So I did, waking up quite some time later to the smell of food. It made my stomach turn a little until I recognized it as the curry chicken we’d bought the ingredients for. Unlike me, Asher could cook. Apparently he had lessons from their maid when he was kid, further proving my point about just how rich he was. I didn’t really care how he’d learned to cook, though, as long as I could reap the benefits.
A glance at the clock showed that I had taken quite a long nap, so I pulled myself out of bed and straightened my hair—still not dyed, but getting closer to an almost fashionable ombre look—and clothes, then headed to the kitchen.
“You need to stop being so perfect,” I said when I walked into the kitchen and saw Asher standing over the stove.
“What? Perfect?”
“You know what I mean,” I replied. “You need to stop doing everything for me.”
He just shrugged. “I don’t mind. I want to.”
It wasn’t much of an answer, but it was an honest one. Maybe he had another motivation besides just being a good person, but I hadn’t figured it out yet. For the moment, I didn’t really care. This was easy and simple and it worked. He cooked, we ate dinner together, we washed the dishes together… It was boring, maybe, but I liked it. We were in a nice little routine that had seemed impossible for me to ever find just a few weeks ago.
Our only deviation from the routine that night was our New Years Eve celebration, if it could even be called that. Once dinner was finished, we bundled up in thick flannel pajamas, coats and scarves and carried a couple glasses and a bottle of sparkling grape juice up to the roof. For a long time, we sat in silence, but Asher finally broke it.
“Hey, Colby?”
“Hmm?” I asked, glancing down into my juice.
“I was just wondering… what was that phone call all about?”
“What phone call?” I knew I couldn’t play dumb with him, but I tried anyway.
“Someone named Avery,” he replied, letting me keep up the act at least for a moment. “It almost sounded like an argument, and I know you’ve been ignoring her phone calls… I’m sorry, it’s your business, forget I asked.”
“No, it’s… it’s fine,” I said, even though it really wasn’t. “She’s just been bugging me to get together lately, and I really don’t want to.”
“No offense, but… I mean, I haven’t seen you hang out with anyone else, aside from me, the guys and the guys you work with.”
“Yeah, well, I just don’t feel like hanging out with her, okay?”
“Okay,” he replied. “Like I said, it’s none of my business.”
I sighed. “No, it actually is. I’m just being difficult. It’s just, Avery wanted me to go to this New Years Eve thing, and… her brothers will be there…”
Asher’s brow furrowed. “I feel like I’m missing some important detail there.”
“You are,” I replied, glancing down into my glass again. “It’s… one of her brothers. He’s the… he’s the father.”
“Oh,” he said, almost dismissively. “Oh. And Avery doesn’t know, does she?”
I shook my head. “She doesn’t even know I’m pregnant yet. Which is going to be a problem if I’m still in her wedding party in few months.”
“Oh… shit.” It was the first time I had ever heard Asher say that word.
“I know,” I replied. With a tiny smirk, I added, “Seriously, you need to just run while you still can.”
He reached for my hand and clutched it tightly. “Well, I’m not going to. But that doesn’t mean I won’t try to give you some advice… which is that I think you probably need to talk to Avery.”
“And tell her what?” I asked.
“I don’t know,” he replied. “I really don’t. But you can’t just keep ignoring you friend like that.”
“Just watch me.”
Asher gave me a little glare. “Look, I’m not saying you have to tell her the whole truth, because it sounds like… I don’t know, but I’m not telling you to lie either. That’s bad, too. I just think you should try to talk to her a little. Don’t just keep ignoring her.”
“So, I shouldn’t lie but I shouldn’t tell her the truth?” I raised an eyebrow.
He shrugged. “I don’t know. I didn’t say I was going to give you good advice.”
“Obviously not,” I replied, smirking a little. As I continuing speaking, the smirk fell away. “Have you, umm, have you thought about… what’s going to happen when I have this thing?”
“What do you mean?”
I sighed. “I mean, I’m going to have this baby and they’re going to want me to put a name down. A father’s name. And I’m not putting Za—I’m not putting his name. But I can’t very well put yours, can I?”
“Can’t you?” He asked. “I don’t know, I honestly hadn’t thought that far ahead. Is that bad?”
“Maybe a little,” I replied. “There’s so much planning that I haven’t done yet, and I’ll admit I’m just… well, just procrastinating. Like if I don’t do it, I can keep pretending I’m not really having a baby.”
“But you are.”
I glared at him. “Thanks for the reminder.”
“I’m sorry.” Asher sighed. “It’s just, I don’t know… this is all kind of… overwhelming, and I know it’s even worse for you.”
I shrugged. He was getting too emotional for me and I didn’t like it. Even though I was the one to bring up the subject, I didn’t want to think about what would happen in six months. Other than the old things of my own that Aunt Sus had found, I didn’t have any baby supplies yet. I hadn’t picked out a name. I didn’t have a birth plan. And now I was realizing the serious dilemma of who to list as the father on the birth certificate.
There was a part of me that hoped the last one wouldn’t even be an issue by then. I wasn’t going to voice it to him, but there was the possibility that Asher and I wouldn’t even be together by then. I didn’t think he could handle it if I suggested that, though, so I kept that thought to myself and gave him the best smile I could manage.
“I’ll be alright,” I said. “I’ll figure everything out. Somehow.”
Asher smiled back, then pulled my hand up to his lips and kissed it. “I know you will. Doesn’t stop me from worrying about things.”
“Yeah….” I replied, sighing.
I was sure Asher wanted to say something else, but the sound of fireworks drowned him out for a moment. He pulled me closer, and I let him, setting my glass down on the blanket so that he could pull me practically into his lap.
During a lull in the fireworks, he kissed my forehead and said, “Happy new year, Colby.”
I could already feel myself tiring of his affection, but for the moment, I was still happy to have anyone’s affection. I just hoped he didn’t get any more clingy.