Still Looking Up
“I can’t believe we had to drive all the way to Saratoga Springs for a Christmas tree.”
“We didn’t have to,” I replied.
Zac rolled his eyes, but thankfully managed to keep them on the road–mostly. “I would have never heard the end of it if we hadn’t. Nevermind that driving a truck with a Christmas tree strapped to it through Brooklyn is ridiculous and just asking for trouble. Hell, driving in Brooklyn period is asking for trouble.”
“And yet you’re the one who decided to buy a house here,” I pointed out.
After a few more months of crashing on Taylor and Natalie’s couch (and no doubt seriously testing their patience), since he had given Kate their brownstone in the divorce, Zac had decided that he really did need a place of his own. I couldn’t have even imagined how living with them and their five kids must have tested his sobriety, but Zac swore that being surrounded by kids was good for it. He was also adamant that they could be just as good for it from a few blocks away.
The house didn’t have much of a yard, something Zac often complained about, but it did have a surprisingly Southwestern design and a built in studio on the lower level. As soon as we saw that, we knew it was the right place for us. Of course, I hadn’t agreed to move in right away, although I had nodded and smiled every time Zac commented on how each of the kids could have their own room, and how he wanted to decorate Layla’s.
But it was a foregone conclusion. We both knew it was. We were together now, no matter what anyone thought of that. The fans talked about what a gold digger I was, and I tried to ignore them the best that I could. They would never know the truth that we knew, but I wasn’t sure it would change their minds even if they did. In any case, they didn’t know that I had finally sold my parents’ home and nagged Zac until he let me use that money to redecorate. It wasn’t money I had earned myself, but it made me feel good to spend it nevertheless. I could never contribute as much to the relationship financially as he did, but that was okay. Thanks to the tiny bit of a splash I had made touring with Loveless, I was getting pretty steady work as a studio violinist, something I didn’t even know any bands might be looking for. The income from that was bigger than what I had earned at Sit and Spin, and although it still didn’t put me on equal footing with Zac, it made me feel better.
Of Zac’s star was always going to outshine mine. That didn’t bother me; I knew I wasn’t cut out for the spotlight and I didn’t want it. Being with him during the release of a new Hanson album and all the craziness that brought with it only further emphasized that point. Sure, I enjoyed standing side stage and watching Zac play old songs he’d feared he would never play again and old songs he couldn’t have even dreamed of, but I would never be fully comfortable even that close to the limelight. I was much happier at home in our new, shared home, taking care of the kids and working on music that I didn’t need or want to ever share with the world.
When we finally made it home from the Christmas tree farm in Saratoga Springs that I had indeed insisted upon, I was forced to get out and direct Zac as he backed into the garage, just to be sure he didn’t damage the tree. I knew it was a lot of work and he loved complaining, but the tree was just about as close to perfect as it was possible for a Christmas tree to be, and I thought that was pretty important for our first Christmas together in the same home.
Finally, we managed to get the tree up the stairs and into the stand. We were both already breathing stupidly heavily, while Layla with her little kiddie tablet didn’t seem fazed at all.
“Remind me again why this was necessary?” Zac asked, flopping down on the couch like a ton of bricks.
I sat down next to him and put my head down. “Well, I haven’t… I haven’t had a Christmas tree of my own in years, okay? I never put one up at my apartment, because it’s just sad to celebrate Christmas by yourself. And sure, Aunt Sus has one, but it’s not mine. Even when I did live with her and we put a few of my baby ornaments on it, it only just reminded me more that I wasn’t at home. And I guess I’ve never, in the last ten years, felt like I was home enough to have a Christmas tree. God, has it really been a decade?”
Zac pulled me closer, and I was sure he was prepared for the waterworks to start, but really I was in shock. It still seemed like yesterday that my parents had died, but realizing that it was a decade ago made me feel ridiculous for still letting their death affect every aspect of my life. Of course it was horrible and tragic, but wasn’t it time to move on? Wasn’t it time to be happy? That’s what I had told myself when I sold their house, and actually setting up my own Christmas tree in my own home—okay, technically Zac owned it—was another big step to prove that I really was ready to have a life.
“I didn’t think about that,” Zac finally said, his voice barely above a hoarse whisper.
“It’s okay,” I replied, running my fingers over his newest tattoo. On the one year anniversary of his accident, he’d gotten a third tattoo—a small anchor on his left wrist. “We both have our demons, you know? Our past. And that’s what it is—past. Of course it affects who we are, but we don’t have to let it totally determine who we are.”
“Well said,” Zac replied. “And you’re right. It’s one thing I have to keep reminding myself, but it’s true. I decide who I am. Not my past, not my genetics, not anything or anyone other than me.”
I lifted his wrist and gave the tattoo a kiss. Sometimes I wasn’t sure he even realized how far he had come in the last year and a half. I never truly wanted him to change; if he hadn’t been him, I wouldn’t have fallen in love with him. But the spark of something that I saw in him and fell in love with had dulled and been overpowered by all the darkness in him. Now, I could see him shine again. I could see him.
I could love him. And he could love me back.
I don’t wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I’m here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you’re still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work, we didn’t break, we didn’t burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I’ve got, and what I’m not, and who I am
I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up, still looking up.