Music Lives
“Colby! You guys made it!” Montana called out, clapping her hands together and standing up from the bar to hurry toward us.
A few weeks had passed, and Loveless was back in New York for the first time since the tour, playing an almost festival-like show with several other bands. I wasn’t on the bill, but Tobias and I had decided to come to support them anyway. We showed up early so the kids could have a little play date, and Layla was straining against the Bjorn, trying to practically claw her way out and into “Auntie Monty’s” arms as soon as she saw her.
“Alright, alright,” I said, helping Monty pull Layla out of the carrier. “How are you guys doing?”
“How are you?” She shot back.
We had kept in touch via social media, so she knew what was going on in mine and Zac’s life. I didn’t really like to talk about it, especially since Zac had been all over the tabloids lately and my name seemed to pop up more and more since the tour, but I appreciated her concern.
With a dismissive shrug, I replied, “I’ll survive. I’m not the one who really needs to be worried about, you know? I mean… I’m just here. All I can do is wait.”
“But you’re a part of his recovery and his success,” Montana said. A little softer, she added, “It’s not my place to talk much about it, but Connor had a rough time a few years ago. And it took Declan a while to realize that while he can enable him or support him, he can’t be responsible for his brother’s sobriety. That’s on Connor, but it still took his family—all of us, even his band family—to help him get clean and stay clean.”
I nodded. I hadn’t known that about Connor; I really hadn’t gotten close to any of the band members during the tour, just Montana. She had a point, though, and though I knew I was sometimes too harsh with Zac, I hoped he understood that I only did it out of love.
“Anyway,” Montana said. “Enough about that depressing stuff. Let’s get the kids settled in; the show starts pretty soon. I’ve got an extra set of headphones if you didn’t bring any for Layla.”
“Tobias wouldn’t let me out of the apartment without them,” I replied.
Montana led the way down a hallway to the green room where Atticus was already surrounded by toys and seemingly having a ball. Layla, now sturdier on her feet, took off toward him as soon as Montana set her down.
A few minutes later, once the kids were engrossed in playing with a big set of blocks, the band filtered in and things started to get crowded—and exciting. I wasn’t ready to go back on tour any time soon, but it did highlight how much I enjoyed being around musicians and live music. It just made me feel more alive, and even Montana commented knowingly on how I seemed to have lit up from the inside as soon as the first band hit the stage.
We bounced Layla around and danced with her, safely protected by her headphones but still enjoying the music, all through the show. If I had lit up, she was positively glowing. She was definitely her father’s daughter—and her mother’s, too, I supposed. Music lived in her.
As happy as that made me, I couldn’t help but worry about Zac. Would he be able to play again? If he could, would he be on a learning curve that would frustrate him and convince him it wasn’t worth it? I hoped not. I hoped that his love for music, his need for it, would push him through whatever stood in his way, but I just didn’t know. By that point, we hadn’t been able to talk much as a condition of his rehab. I didn’t like it, but I understood that this was something personal and private for him right now.
But I couldn’t let any of that bring me down right then. I was there to have fun, and for the most part, I was.
When the show began to wind down, we made our way to the front of the venue where the merch booths were set up. I wanted to pick up a CD from one of the newer bands there who I hadn’t heard before but quite liked, and I knew Montana had headed that way a few minutes ago. Sure enough, I found her at the Loveless booth, chatting happily with some girls I assumed were fans of the band. I felt a little pang of jealousy; I knew I would never be able to talk to Hanson fans so easily and I doubted any of them would ever accept me so readily either. Ultimately, their opinion of me didn’t matter, I knew, but it still bothered me. It was my own fault, though; no matter how unpopular his wife might have been with the fans, I couldn’t expect anyone to take kindly to the other woman, either.
“Colby, hey!” Monty called out, pulling me out of my depressing thoughts once again.
“Hey!” I replied, holding Layla a little tighter—I hadn’t trusted her to walk through the crowd but hadn’t taken the time to put the Bjorn back on either—and joining Monty behind the merch booth. “The show was really great. I’m glad you guys came out here so I could see a full show when I wasn’t trying to decompress from my own.”
“Well, you know you’re welcome any time we’re here. I think I can speak for the band on that, at least.”
“Oh, you were the opening act contest winner, weren’t you?” One of the fans cut in to ask.
“Yes, she was,” said some random guy who had just walked up. He had a definite hipster look to him, with his blue black dyed hair but he wore something of a suit with a vintage band tee underneath. “Jamie Gardner, EL Records. I caught your set at Irving, but I didn’t get a chance to chat with you.”
“With… with me?” I glanced at Tobias and Montana for some sort of explanation, but both just shrugged.
The guy, apparently named James, nodded. “Don’t get me wrong—Loveless is good. But I’m digging the acoustic girl singer thing. Very 90’s. I’d love to play the higher-ups your EP and maybe get you in the office…”
I shook my head, feeling dazed. “I don’t… I don’t think I’m really interested.”
“Hey, I know we’re just a small label, but we’ve been looking for someone just like you.”
“N-no, I…” I shook my head again. “I really need to focus on my daughter right now, and my—my relationship with her father.”
He smiled and nodded knowingly. “I can appreciate that, but take my card in case you change your mind. The offer won’t last forever.”
I took his card, but still shook my head in disbelief as he said goodbye to us all and walked away. Once he was gone, I looked at Tobias and Monty again and asked, “Did that really just happen?”
“It did,” Tobias replied. “And did you really just turn it down?”
I stared at him. “You know I can’t… I mean, there’s no guarantee I would even get signed anyway, but I just can’t. That’s not where my life needs to go right now. Fame? Being even more in the public eye? No thank you.”
“So you’re happy just to work in a store and only be known as you-know-who’s woman?”
“Is that so bad?” I asked. “I love music. I don’t love fame. So what if I just want a quiet life? I can’t handle the drama. That doesn’t mean I’m just settling for being with Zac or whatever.”
Tobias sighed. “I didn’t mean it to sound that negative. I know you could never just be somebody’s passive little housewife. I don’t mean it like that. I just don’t want you to miss out on something good because you feel like you need to sit here waiting on him.”
“But I do need to,” I replied softly, nudging Tobias away from the merch booth where we might not be overheard. At least the fans had wandered away when the label guy started talking to me. “I’m going to be with him, alright? At least, that’s the plan right now, and it seems to be what he wants, too. And I have to give him time to get clean. So yes, I do need to wait.”
He nodded a little. “I guess I just want to make sure that you’re happy with your choices. That’s all.”
“I am,” I replied. “It’s not easy, but that doesn’t mean it’s not what I want. But putting myself out there in the public eye again, even more than I am already am? That would be hard, too, but in a different way. Like I said, I just want a quiet life. And I’m ready to start making choices that will get me there.”
“Alright,” he said, a genuine smile on his face. “You want a quiet life, then it’s probably time to get the little one home and get some sleep, huh?”
“I think that sounds like a great idea,” I replied, finally relaxing again.
We shuffled back over to the merch booth and said a quick goodbye to Montana and Declan, who had wandered up to sign a few autographs and snap some photos with fans. Since they were both so busy, we kept it short and we were soon on our separate ways home.
By the time I made it back to my apartment, Layla was already asleep on my chest. I knew it wasn’t wise to keep her up so late, but she had adjusted well enough to the tour schedule that I didn’t think it was a huge deal to have one late night. Even as she got older, she was an easy, flexible baby; I could only hope the terrible twos were as smooth as her first year of life had been. She only protested a little, whining in her sleep without entirely waking up, as I eased her out of the Bjorn and into her crib.
Once she was settled in, I changed into my pajamas and plugged my phone into the charger I kept by my bed. It had nearly gone dead during the concert; once it started to charge, I checked my social media and email. At the top of my email inbox was a message from an address I didn’t recognize, but the subject line identified it as Zac. I doubted anyone who might pretend to be him would know my email address, so I assumed it really was from him. I opened it and read what he had to say.
Colbs,
Can you believe I have to have somebody standing over my shoulder when I use a computer here? I’m not some junkie (well, not really–you know), so it’s not like I’m going to email my dealer from the rehab computer. Whatever. At least they’re letting me email and check HNET now, although I don’t think I want to know what the girls there are saying. The gossip sucks, doesn’t it? I hate that I’ve made you a part of it. And yeah you can say that you were partly to blame too, but there would be no gossip if I weren’t who I am.
Anyway, I just wanted to see if you could come visit next week. The therapist thinks that I’m ready for some visitors, specifically the people I’m closest too. So he’s probably going to start picking your brain – fair warning! If you’re not up for that, I understand. We can probably talk on the phone for longer now, too. They’re slowly starting to trust me and give me some freedom, I think.
And I’m being told it’s dinner time now. Meatloaf again. Blech.
Love you, Colby. Hope you will come visit, but if not, just remember that I love you and I’m doing good. Don’t worry yourself to death. I know you will, though 😛
Love, Zac
He was right. Of course I would worry myself to death; it was what I did best, especially where he was concerned.
Even though it was late and I was sure he wouldn’t get to read my response until the next day, if even then, I clicked on the reply button and typed the longest response I could manage in my tired state.
Zac –
You kinda make it sound like you’re in prison 😛
Of course I want to visit you, though. Just let me know when and I’ll work it into my schedule. You know seeing you is more important than just about anything else. How pathetically romantic does that sound? You know what I mean. Just give me the date and I’ll do what I have to do to get there.
See you soon, I hope. And you know I love you, too 🙂